


everywhere the sun shines and the moon glows

by undeliveredtruth



Series: good to me [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: A LOT of kinks, A lot of sex, Alternate Universe - Corporate, Empires and the Mafia, High-key questionable emotional connections, Infidelity, Kind of dark, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of past sexual assault, Open Relationships, Violence, mentions of abuse, mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-01-06 01:19:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 123,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18378014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/undeliveredtruth
Summary: Hidden by the lights and the curtains in the ballroom, Jihoon takes the time to look over the sweeping mass of people from above. Over all the immensely wealthy people in immaculate suits and sweeping dresses; over the hanging chandeliers, the most expensive champagne served by waiters with perfect posture, gold walls, and red carpets. At Seungcheol above them all, with his back to Jihoon, looking down at them, knowing that at a snap of his fingers, they’ll all do whatever he says.So Jihoon looks down at them all too, and realizes that one day, at a snap of his fingers, they’ll all do whatever he says too.Because he is Seungcheol’s, and Seungcheol is his.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the third part of this story, the crazy one! I am so incredibly excited to share this with you, and I hope you enjoy it too! 
> 
> For the timeline, you can tell this starts where part 1 ended, before part 2, since it is the prologue. The next chapter will return to after part 2, so beware of that! Please click on the links in the story when they're there, I know it will help. Also, if you read the last part at night and when you can listen to music, I wouldn't mind, maybe it will make it better! Enjoy it! <3

Jihoon takes two steps in Seungcheol's apartment, and gets goosebumps. It's foreign and strange, not familiar anymore. It's not home for Seungcheol and not comfortable for Jihoon. It's a memory of a lie, with the walls of it having crumbled.

Seungcheol himself is different. When he came to their dorm he seemed happy, settled, cocky; Jihoon knows he came back from somewhere significant, his sweeping win. Now, as he drops down on the couch on the side opposite Jihoon's with a beer, he looks serious. Maybe it's because Jihoon kept his distance from him and kept silent until now, or maybe it's because he's not immune to the stress of it all.

But it's not all. He looks larger than life, like the smile and friendly attitude he used to put on his face to seem light and open to Jihoon is gone too. It's not even like the beginning, when he pretended to be a CEO and was all serious and thoughtful. Now, it's like his presence can't be contained by the room they're in, larger than the walls enclosing them. This is the real Seungcheol, he can tell. Jihoon struggles to not feel intimidated when he needs to be strong.

"Tell me everything. The whole truth now," he says, his voice flat, maybe not to betray how uneasy he's feeling. There will be nothing he will do or say until he knows it all.

"What did Wonwoo tell you?" Seungcheol sighs and leans on the couch. Jihoon tries to get comfortable too, takes his bottle and lets it cool down his hands.

"That you are a CEO doing real estate and investment but that you are running a prostitution business behind. That this, and me, was just to get to the entertainment industry and take over it."

"And you knew. How much did you know from before?"

Jihoon sighs, a large breath leaving him.

"I knew you were not a detective. That whole excuse was shaky," Jihoon says, and Seungcheol huffs with humorless laughter.

"Of course. In the beginning, I wanted you to believe it, but then I realized I didn't actually want you to, that you wouldn't say anything anyway. But I couldn't tell you yet because I had to be sure. What else did you know?"

"I knew that you had business not only with Pledis, but more than that since the event was not Pledis sponsored. I... looked up your birth names, and Jeonghan and Jisoo's, and your family tree, which checks out with your father's. I figured the line was too long to be able to fake. And then I saw the photos in your house and some other things and... I figured out your name and everything you told me in the beginning was real."

"That's true. I know you did that," Seungcheol says.

"You did?"

"I have connections everywhere in the police, of course they'll let me know if someone pulls out details about me. Especially through your father."

"You're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad, Jihoon?" He says in slight disbelief. "I lied to you; of course I thought you'd want to look into it. I hoped you would, and you didn't disappoint me."

Jihoon frowns.

"So what's the full story?"

Seungcheol takes a large breath in, takes a second. Jihoon prepares himself for it. He knows he's not going to like what he's going to hear.

"I am the CEO of that company that actually exists. It manages investment and real estate for some of the biggest apartment complexes in the north, especially Seoul. A lot of the land that apartment complexes are built on throughout Seoul is not actually public land; my family has owned much of it for centuries. We are old money in the largest sense of the word; unlike other chaebols that established in the colonial period or during the Korean War, our money and property doesn't start with industrial development or exports in the 20th century. My family was high up in the aristocracy as financial advisors of the king and ministers, which is how we owned the land. During the colonial period, some people collaborated with Japan, and some left to support the resistance governments in China or the US. My branch of the family happened to be close to Synghman Rhee in the resistance movement in the US, and so, after the colonial period, we got all the land we had owned back, and a lot of the developments that have happened after the Korean War and since have been on our land. That is when we moved from being advisors or ministers to being businessmen. My grand-grandfather established a corporation in the 1940s, and then passed it to my grandfather, and so on. The company served to help us manage the income from the land, and later turned into a real investment company.

That corporation became the one I lead today. But our influence... didn't stop there. My grandfather took the company and on the base of his power, during and after the Park Chung-hee era, built... something else. We call it an empire because that's the closest thing to what it is."

Jihoon's eyes widen.

"This company I am the CEO of is one part of my family's owned businesses. We are on the boards of and own many companies in many industries, mostly in Korea, China, and the US. Besides that... we control a lot of the illegal and underground businesses in Korea. The prostitution business was not actually ours until the latter part of my father's ownership of my company, which I continued on. But other things... drugs, weapons, gambling, whatever happens in the north, which is our area, we've controlled for decades through the larger family businesses and connections. We also have some sort of control over many industries, factories, and a lot of technology development. Nothing moves in the north, legal or illegal, business or not, without us knowing, and having approved it."

A shiver goes through Jihoon. This is... larger than he could imagine or picture. He doesn't even know how he should react to this, that there even is an appropriate reaction for this.

"Since we started to do that, everything has been way more peaceful, or at least we try to make it so. The thing is... our involvement is not necessarily for personal profit. There are a couple of other families like mine, which control different parts of Korea. Our role is to ensure that for the government to do their part, we maintain... a certain level of social order. Drugs, weapons, gambling can make people go crazy, and money especially so; what we do is make sure that what comes in is proper quality, that it stays away from children and away from people that could use it for worse things, that all illegal stuff is kept to appropriate levels, and that money is never in the wrong hands. Us taking over and working together with these other families means that we can keep everything controlled. On the surface, the government does not like this because they cannot like this. In reality, they depend on us to be able to rule. This is why we have control over the government as well, and we can dictate it regarding to what we want to see happen.

The thing is that not... everyone in the government knows. This is usually a matter kept to the president and a few other people, including the military. Heads of police do not know, ministers do not know, nobody knows the extent and what these families, including mine, do. Nobody even knows they exist, that this is all contained under one family branch or under one person or so."

"So you're saying you are... the head of this family?"

"Not yet. My father still is now. Me taking over... the entertainment prostitution business, which was a bit messy, was as much as a rite of passage as much as me clearing things up to be able to integrate the whole prostitution business in the larger empire. The way this works is that this company, this "original one" if you might, gets passed on to the first son when they graduate college, so they get increasingly familiar with what it means to rule something large. When the head of the family wants to retire, which for my father is fairly early, then the son advances to be the head of the empire and the family, and names someone temporarily to act as CEO of this company, taking the underlying business they helped build up and permanently integrating it into the family ownership. I will have to integrate the prostitution business into the larger family empire and pass this as a blank slate to... the next person that takes over."

"But you are not the first son."

"I am not. But my brother left right after he graduated college, broke ties with the family as I told you, so... everything has been mine even before college, actually."

Jihoon closes his eyes and shakes his head once, to take a moment to understand this.

"So... you are going to be the head?"

"Yes. It's now April, so probably by the end of the summer, I will have moved on to being the head of the family and acting on the boards of all corporations."

"And you'll be responsible for all of that? Everything?"

"Yes."

A shiver goes through Jihoon. This Seungcheol before him, the one that Jihoon thought could have fallen for him a little bit... is bigger than he could have ever imagined. How can he reconcile that with what he knew, even if Jihoon thought he let him know things? He knew _nothing._

"I know this is a lot, Jihoon. I couldn't have told you then, and even know, I do kind of regret I have to tell you."

"Why?" He asks, his voice weary. He doesn't know if he can seem strong and collected anymore.

"I don't think you should know this. This is not what you deserve, having to deal with this knowledge and with me attached to it. There are secrets that we hold from people for a reason, and not only because we are afraid they'll tell others, but mostly because of the heaviness of it all. I am sorry for getting you involved, and I always will be."

Jihoon nods slightly, bends his head.

"Look, I'll be honest with you," Seungcheol says and raises his head. "When I was walking back to your dorm, knowing that now you knew, I wanted to get back to you. I even told Jeonghan and Jisoo that, and I was serious when I said I wanted to add myself to the list of the people you care about," he chuckles, but it's humorless. There's no humor in this.

"But then as I walked into your dorm, as I saw your members, as we came back here... I don't think it's fair for me to want that from you. I... lied to you throughout everything, and the fact that you might have known some stuff doesn't change that. No matter what I might feel for you, because I think you also do know that I do feel things for you, Jihoon... now you can see how messed up everything is and how much of a responsibility I have to my family and to millions of people around. I think you have your own responsibilities too, to your members, your fans, your own family, the entertainment world in general, and I don't know if they connect. I don't want to force you to connect them."

Jihoon looks at him, blinks.

"Are you telling me you want me to leave?"

"I'm telling you I think you should, that it will be better for you to. But... a lot of people around told me this is not my choice to make. So I'm leaving it up to you, now that you know. I just have to say that if you decide to leave me, I promise that I will do my best to keep you away from everything even if you know."

"And if I stay?" Jihoon throws before he can think about what he's implying.

Seungcheol blinks at him in surprise.

"Then I guess... you join me in all of this. But Jihoon, I want you to think about this. I don't want you to make a rushed decision. I'd never make you stay, if you ever changed your mind, I wouldn't keep you next to me. But... this is a lot," he finishes, worries at his lips.

"Do you want me then? Next to you? Everything else aside, do you?"

Seungcheol looks at him, bites his lips like he does when he's thinking hard, and _nods._

"I do. I just don't want to ask it of you."

Jihoon blinks, his mouth dropping open the littlest bit. He didn't expect Seungcheol to admit it. Despite how big of a deal this is, maybe there was something right in how he read Seungcheol, as someone spontaneous and kind of open as well. He takes a breath, trying to figure out what to say, and squares his eyes to Seungcheol's.

“The reason I have to think about this is not you, Seungcheol. I understand you had to lie and in your way, you wanted me to find out the truth. The reason I have to think is... I don’t know if I’m alright with it. I know the fact that bad things happen in this world and this country and if you are keeping them controlled it’s better. I’m just... I’m just not sure that I want to be involved with that."

Seungcheol looks at him, nods slowly. There's defeat in his expression.

"I get that. It's okay."

He could walk away now. Jihoon could walk away, but something at that thought turns his stomach.

"But I don't want to say no. Can I think about it?" He rushes to say, because he does need to think about it.

"Of course. Take as much time as you need."

"Thank you," he tells Seungcheol, gets up from the couch. He needs to go and think about this.

"I'll drive you back."

"No, it's okay... I'll take a taxi," he looks at Seungcheol. There's too much to process, but he doesn't want to leave in bad terms at least. "Goodbye, hyung."

\---

He thinks about it so much, it's the only thing in his mind when he's not practicing, filming for the comeback, or recording, which is in reality not that much time. The members ask him about it, and he says he doesn't have an answer. He wishes he could talk to someone about it, to Soonyoung especially because he's trying his best to not let it influence him anymore, but it must come through. It's hard because this is their most important comeback to date, but he can't be fully there, when there's so much else.

He thinks a lot about what it means to leave Seungcheol, and what it means to stay by him, the fact that he would be part of a world larger than he could imagine, with people he cannot imagine being with. It's insane to think about.

But then again, even when he knew something was strange and he was not who he pretended to be, he was there for Seungcheol, and would have helped him. What he told him wasn't untrue, that he doesn't know if he could be part of controlling these things, but was that fair?

\---

It's 2 AM when he can't think anymore. So he picks up his phone, goes to the bathroom so he won't wake anyone up, sits down, leaning on the door.

He plays with the phone in his hands, swipes the screen so it lights up. Unlocks it, swipes left and right a couple of times. Sees the many Kakao notifications he has because it's almost comeback season and he doesn't have the time or the energy to reply to anything.

He opens his recent calls, and he's nowhere near the top because he didn't call in several weeks. When he opens the app though, Seungcheol's name is the only one there, because it's the only texting app he could use to ensure their conversations are kept secret and can't be hacked. He wonders if that's what he wants his life to be, a double life of secrecy and drama and everything else that would come with something of _that_ size.

But the thought of going to sleep is more dreary than anything else, because he can't sleep. He should rest before the comeback in less than three weeks, and he hasn't really slept in days.

So he calls.

 _"Hmm,"_ Seungcheol answers with a barely there noise. He sleeps so soundly Jihoon's heart skips a beat when he realizes he woke up for him. He remembers Seungcheol told him a while before that even though his phone is always on silent, he has an exception for the people he really cares about so he can hear whenever they call.

"Hi," Jihoon whispers.

 _"Oh, Jihoon-ah,"_ he sounds marginally more awake this time.

"I'm sorry," he says because it's almost 3 AM now and he called when this could've easily waited.

 _"No, don't be sorry. Are you okay, is there anything wrong?"_ He mumbles, and Jihoon closes his eyes, bending his head down.

"Can I come over?"

 _"Sure,"_ he responds one second later, like he didn't even think about it. _"I'll pick you up._ "

"No, it's okay. I can get a cab."

 _"I'm not... at the apartment though. I'm at home,"_ he says and Jihoon hears rustling, and he sounds almost fully awake now. _Oh._

"I don't want to... make you drive all the way. I'm sorry."

_"It's okay. Please don't say sorry. Give me a second."_

Jihoon nods but then realizes Seungcheol can't see him. But by then, saying of course is pointless, so he just waits.

_"Sorry for making you wait."_

"No, don't apologize. _I'm_ sorry for making you come here."

 _"Please don't say sorry. I waited to hear from you,"_ he says in a lower voice, like it's a secret between them. Jihoon gulps. _"I'll be there in a bit, want to stay on the phone?"_

"It's okay. I should go get dressed," he says, feels kind of bad for waking Seungcheol up and then not even keeping him company.

_"Okay. I'll text you? Should be there in less than half an hour."_

"Yeah. Thank you."

_"Of course, Jihoon-ah. See you soon."_

He hangs up, rests his head on the door. He feels peaceful with his choice, now that it's done. It's probably lack of sleep that's making him insane.

He gets dressed and goes down, texts Soonyoung that he'll meet them in the morning at the company. He waits for a while in the parking lot, sitting down on the curb, mask on and hoodie up, before he sees one of Seungcheol's cars enter the parking lot and he gets up. The door opens and he jumps up into the passenger seat, looking at Seungcheol. He smiles at Jihoon, soft and barely there.

"Hi," he says, and Jihoon purses his lips.

"Hi."

He's in sweatpants and a shirt, blinking slowly, sleepily, and Jihoon just... looks.

"We can go to the apartment if you want," he says, starting the car.

"No, it's okay. We can go to your house... if you'd like to. I don't mind." Maybe he doesn't want Jihoon to see his house, he didn't think about that. But nevertheless, he nods.

[Electronic music fills the car](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRy7c851C2A) but it's slow, almost nostalgic.

"Oh, sorry. Do you mind the music?"

"No, I actually... like it." It's the perfect music for a night drive, Jihoon thinks. Something raises in his chest when he puts his seatbelt on and then sees the lights of Seoul all around them, some kind of nervousness. With the music, it's almost like Jihoon's seeing another world. Or maybe it's just Seungcheol. 

At a stoplight, the red light illuminates the car, and he turns to look at Seungcheol. Takes him in, this low, kind of barred Seungcheol, his hands tapping on the wheel. Seungcheol must feel Jihoon's gaze and turns to look at him, minutely raising the corners of his lips. Jihoon drops his head on the headrest, meeting Seungcheol's eyes, without saying anything. The red light on his face suddenly turns green, but Seungcheol takes a second. A second that's longer than any in Jihoon's life before Seungcheol turns his eyes back to the road, accelerating.

The beat switches and he wants to say something. The prolonged electric guitar solo falls slowly into a deep synth bass sound, and maybe there's nothing he could say right now.

Seungcheol's keeping a hand on his thigh with one on the wheel, and Jihoon remembers that memory that seems to have been so long ago, of Seungcheol putting his hand on his thigh and leaving it there when Jihoon intertwined his fingers with his. There's a ghost of the feeling, like in the whole slow atmosphere, Jihoon remembers it or more like superimposes it on the present, almost sees Seungcheol's hand on him. It's maybe because the song says something about a hand, from what Jihoon can understand. But he doesn't do that either, figures he'll wait. He can wait a little more.

The lights of Seoul pass them by until they become dimmer and dimmer, and Jihoon figures they left the city. He's not surprised his house is outside of Seoul.

Soon enough, a gate opens, and Jihoon can see a guard at a post behind the gate. Is this their family house?

"Is this where your family lives too?"

"No. This is my house. My brother was supposed to live in the main house and me here. My father built it for me, I had insight into building it, and so I kept it even after he left."

"Oh... okay." So at least Jihoon will not have to meet any family members.

"Usually, there would be someone to open the door for you, but I hope you don't mind there's nobody now," Seungcheol chuckles as they exit the car, and Jihoon huffs like it's a joke. It's probably not.

He doesn't know if he expected one of those houses with columns and a whole roundabout in front of it like in dramas, but it is not. [Seungcheol's house](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFHVbYeWqds) is way more modern, but to say it is understated is a big mistake. It is not. It is huge and ornate and Jihoon almost faints.

His eyes turn to the left, and then he sees the back. A massive pool, what looks like a jacuzzi, and something that looks like a couch, plus tables and a garden. It's all just so much. And then they walk into a living room, Jihoon takes his shoes off when Seungcheol does. Even though Seungcheol's seen Jihoon in the most compromising positions, he prays there's no hole in his socks, that's the kind of house this is.

And then Seungcheol turns on all the lights, and _oh god._

"This is... your house?"

"Yes," he chuckles.

"Seungcheol... this is your house? And you stayed in that apartment? Why?" He looks around at the open space with couches and massive TVs and more tables than he can see. It's luxury. Just pure luxury.

"For you, obviously. Would you have believed I was a detective if I brought you here?" Jihoon's eyes widen.

"You're kidding me. You didn't live here for days, months on end... for me?"

"Yeah. It was also closer to work and it's in the same building Jeonghan and Jisoo live in, so... I kind of liked it, honestly."

"Jeonghan and Jisoo live in an apartment like that?" Jihoon raises an eyebrow. He thought the apartment was luxurious, but this is insane. If this is the level that they're at...

"Well, no. They live in the penthouse, but... Same building. They wanted to live in the city." _Of course._

Jihoon looks around and sees _a bird flying on the wall_ and almost startles.

"Oh, sorry. That must've turned on. It's a projector, don't worry."

 _What the hell,_ Jihoon thinks, takes a few steps around. Seungcheol doesn't say anything, lets him take it all in.

Jihoon walks around and passes the wall with the bird and then looks right and... it's Seoul. It's far away, but it's the entirety of it again, incredible lights in the background. It's behind the pool with the glass statues and... this is all too much.

"I can give you a tour in the morning if you want."

Does he want it? It's up to Mingyu or Soonyoung or Seungkwan to be dramatic usually, but now he can't seem to get over himself, the sheer level of this. It's like every time he thinks he's gotten used to something, processed it, something else hits, and Jihoon is back to square one, feeling lower than ever.

"I came here to talk and I don't even know what to say anymore," he tells Seungcheol who's leaning against a marble counter, arms folded over his chest, when Jihoon turns to him.

"I'm sorry for shocking you. I didn't know if it was a bad idea to bring you here. I didn't want it to influence what you were going to tell me."

"Did you think it would?" Jihoon says in disbelief, immediately sobers up. Is Seungcheol implying that he would say yes to him because of his _money?_

"Maybe," he says and switches his pose. Jihoon's eyes widen. "What if you wanted to say yes and then you saw this and then decided you really didn't want to deal with it?"

"You thought I would be _scared off_ by this? Not that I would say yes because of it?"

"No," he says, confused.

"I thought you meant that... I was after your wealth. And I was about to fight you."

"Oh. No. I know that. You're not like that, I know."

"Okay." Now that's out of the way, Jihoon actually has things to say, his expression now serious. "Can we talk though? For real."

"Yeah. We can go to the bedroom," Seungcheol says and takes him there, upstairs and by even more amazing rooms. Jihoon is still struck, but this is Seungcheol. He knows him, he guesses. He knows some of him, enough to tell him that behind his attitude, there is something familiar.

The master bedroom is nothing short of impressive, but Jihoon is not surprised. The intensity of the moment and his nervousness calms him down though, gets him grounded. Seungcheol points to the armchairs and the sofa on the side of the room and he sits down, Seungcheol making himself comfortable in one across from him, smiling at him.

It's intimidating, a little bit, being here, seeing the amazing view of Seoul if he just looks a little bit right. Seungcheol in this... fits. If before there was something off about him maybe, now he truly seems at home; there was something contained in his apartment, like there was too much of him and it almost burst out of the space he constrained himself in. He was too large for it. Now... he's not a part of this house, he owns it, but he fits in. It's clear. Jihoon looks at him and wonders if he'll ever be part of this life.

"I. I'm still sorry I called you so late. I just... I wanted to talk to you."

"Don't say sorry. I love hearing from you at any time of the day," he says, and he is honest. There's no intentional flirting, no pushing. He seems to be the kind of person to say to people exactly what he thinks of right then, and now, Jihoon trusts it's the truth. It emboldens him, to say some of the myriads of things in his head. He doesn't talk much usually, but maybe it is time.

"Okay then. So... uhm. I thought a lot, and it was not really fair for me to say that back then. But I did think of whether I wanted to be involved and I don't think it's okay for me to say I don't want to be involved just because. Maybe it's the wrong thing to do, but then maybe my moral compass doesn't land on right and wrong very well. I don't think what you're doing is wrong, if your goal is not profit, but people's lives. And it seems to be," he raises his shoulders but it's not careless, and he's looking at Seungcheol, who looks at least surprised. "I don't shy away from hard things if they make sense to me. And maybe it doesn't yet, but I am confident that I can have it make sense. And I... I care about you." He stops, gulps, takes in Seungcheol's expression. He wonders how to put forward everything he's thought about.

"I think that if you constantly think about the weight on your shoulders you'll crumble under it. It worked for me being an idol, not thinking about it, and I think here is the same. You have to comprehend the situation and your role in it perfectly, but not overthink about how much is on your plate or the magnitude of it. That's how you do your best without going crazy. And when I thought about it that way, it seemed, in a way, more manageable. Not like it's this insane idea I can't even wrap my head around. And I think once I got that out, I thought about you and the way I felt important and supported when we were okay and how it's made me be able to do so much more. So I'm here, and if you... if you still want me, I'm here, and I'm ready to do it. Whatever it means."

It's taken him weeks to even think like that, not even talking about the courage he had to gather to be able to say it. And he's happy to have been able to tell all this to Seungcheol. Obviously, there are still reservations and questions and insecurities, but the balance is leaning one clear way. With him, Jihoon feels... boundless. Strong. Feelings that even though he might not comprehend yet, he knows will carry him through whatever it is.

"Of course I do," Seungcheol smiles, wide. He seems happy. Jihoon is... relieved. "But... Jihoon. Are you sure? This is not light or easy."

"Didn't you hear me just now? I don't mind difficult. I'm not used to light and easy," he shakes his head.

"Okay."

"Okay," he nods. Seungcheol gets up and Jihoon does the same, hugs him tight, lets Seungcheol put his chin on his head. He feels comfortable. Finally, like he's made the right decision.

"Thank you, Jihoon-ah. I know it's not easy so... I respect you so much for that. And I'm really happy," he says next to Jihoon's ear, and Jihoon smiles. He feels this will be... a lot, but somehow, his quickening heartbeat tells him he might've stumbled upon something here. He's exhausted, but mostly... kind of excited. Now that it's all out in the open, maybe it's a good thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... I've watched _hundreds_ of house videos to find the perfect one for what I had in mind because I am a property nerd. It's immense, but also kind of homey and incredibly classy, and I hope you like it too. 
> 
> I've waited so long to be able to start this story, and there's so, so much ahead I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I will love writing this. I plan to update every Saturday, since I expect chapters will be longer. But I hope you're looking forward to a lot of things, no spoilers, but I think there's a lot of fun and exciting stuff ahead. Thank you so much for being here, and I hope you'll enjoy this ride. <3


	2. when walking by my side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! Just a few notes before you start: 
> 
> If you didn't read part 2 (the Wonwoo/Soonyoung story), please do. It has essential details for the rest of this story, so you totally should!
> 
> Also, this story will switch perspectives between Jihoon and Seungcheol, and very rarely other characters, in the same chapter. It will be fairly obvious whose perspective is whose, but if it's not obvious, don't sweat it. It's probably meant to be that way. I wanted it to be this way because now I'm not constrained by having to write one perspective only, which will make everything way more interesting.
> 
> For the timeline, again, it is on the dates of Seventeen's 2017 world tour, currently. I would have those dates open on Wikipedia so you get the timeline everything is taking place, I write with them open the entire time haha. 
> 
> This chapter mentions past sexual assault, but if you've read everything so far, you should be fine. If you want to skip it, please comment before reading and I'll tell you what to skip and what happened!
> 
> Thank you and I hope you enjoy it! <3

“Father... is it alright to admit I’m scared?”

“It would be strange if you weren’t. This is not an easy life that you have to start.”

Seungcheol leans back into the chair, bows his head. If there’s one person in the world he’s never been afraid to be vulnerable in front of when it comes to his role, it’s his father. It would be stupid to be.

“But you’re not doing this alone. You have to bring all your trusted people here, the ones you know you can fully rely on. You have Jeonghan and Jisoo, Junhui, Jaehwa, your heads of security, your managers, the people I have who would still give their life for us, even the board, when you make it to your liking. You should and will never be doing this alone.

I admit I have been selfish as a father, I had hoped that by now you would have someone next to you which you could rely on in a different way, like I had your mother. By when I took over the empire, I had already had a child and had another one on the way, I hoped it would be the same for you. I am entrusting this life to you early, as you know my health is worsening, but I regret not being able to wait until you had that kind of support. You are going to be the head of this empire, but you are also my only son, and I wish to see you happy.”

Seungcheol bites his tongue. Not yet. Not yet.

Soon enough, he needs to bring it up to Jihoon, that he needs to have children. At least two, as tradition dictates. Jeonghan won’t be able to have any either, so the future of their company is already questionable.

Except... Jihoon and Jisoo will never be the kind of people that usual husbands or wives of the heads are. They will never be the ones to raise children anyway or throw parties and act as the social links of the family behind the empire; their personalities are just not like that.

“What will I do, father? If there is nobody to balance me up there? If I can lead perfectly well, but there is nobody to draw everyone together?”

Right after his mother died, his father took another wife right away. Despite the the obvious fact that Seungcheol will have to clean her family’s entire involvement in the company, she acted as that link. In a way, Seungcheol hates to admit it, but it was better for the company. His mother would have never been acknowledged as someone worthy of being the wife of the head; without his step-mother to quickly stabilize everything after his mother's death threw things in question even further, his father would have been in real danger of strife and revolts all around.

Many people think that in big companies, in governments, or in places of the sort, the traditional wife’s role (rarely the husband’s role, as it has been the case when women have been the leaders in their company), is sexist, discriminatory, and unnecessary, that there does not need to be a man that leads with a strong hand and a woman that holds the reins in the social aspect. The issue is that it is necessary. Without that personal, family link, nobody feels connected to the purpose and to the family, there are no upsides to the immense amount of pressure put on people from all sides, and no sense of us against everyone else. A head’s wife’s or husband’s role in raising the children who are the future leaders properly and tying the family together is essential. There are no words to how much Seungcheol is worried that Jihoon will never be able to provide that, and he will not. He is just not like that. And Seungcheol does not want to make him like that.

“I have thought about this for a long time. It looks like you and Jeonghan, and Jisoo by extension, will have to present an even more united front, and change the old ways of doing everything a little.” It surprises Seungcheol his father is saying this, as he has never liked Jisoo on principle. “You should lose the emphasis on the traditional way of the role of the leading family in that way, give people something new: you throw the parties and hold the events, have your staff organize them, but be present yourself and make them unique. This should not be permanent, but it will work until you find a wife that can be who you need her to be. The novelty will hold you off for a while.”

Never. Seungcheol will never find a wife. Hopefully.

“Will it work?”

“Many old people will fight you on it. Many, I would dare say a strong majority, aren’t happy with Jeonghan, you know that very well. But you will change your board and your team, won’t you? Bring young people in. The old people will accept these new ideas, that’s the way it’s always been, until your ideas themselves become old-fashioned and someone else comes to change it. You have the power in here, Seungcheol, never forget that. Everyone knows that, and if you want to change things up a little bit, if you can convince them it’s the right one, they will not fight you on it. And I trust you can convince them.”

Seungcheol works his lip between his teeth, looks at his father, thinks about his words. There is a lot he needs to do here. And things he cannot tell his father.

\---

Jihoon walks with the snacks into their hotel room, sits on his bed. On the bed across from him, Soonyoung is on his laptop but he's not wearing headphones, determinedly ignoring Jihoon.

"I feel like I should almost thank you," Jihoon starts, opening a bag of jellies.

"For what?" Soonyoung asks flatly, not even taking his eyes away from where he's typing something on his laptop. It's new, Jihoon figures. Like the one in his own bag. It twists something in his chest.

"For convincing him to work with us."

"Hmm," Soonyoung says, and that's the end of it.

Jihoon is annoyed. He's never brought it up to Soonyoung, but now that they're in the same hotel room since they started their US part of the tour, it's impossible to ignore. It's been around a month and a half since that strange scene happened, and their estranged relationship has been driving Jihoon crazy. Usually, he'd be the one that would turn away during their fights and ignore him, but this time, it's Soonyoung. And he doesn't cave, like he usually would. All these weeks, he was comfortable ignoring Jihoon besides the bare minimum he had to since they're on a tour.

Jihoon's had it.

"This is it?" He asks, sitting on Soonyoung's bed, closing his laptop. "You're gonna let something like that get between us?" Soonyoung looks up at him, and Jihoon is almost struck by the intensity of his gaze, how unlike him it is.

"You don't need to thank me for anything. I didn't do it because I wanted to, and didn't do it for you or Seungcheol," he says and gets up, plugs his laptop in the charger and heads to the bathroom.

"Then why the fuck did you do it?" Jihoon raises his voice, gets up from his bed.

"I did it for him. Because he was miserable and I pitied him, hated seeing him like that. Don't mistake this for something it's not, I hate that world and everyone in it."

"So you hate me too, is that it?"

"Don't put words in my mouth."

"What words did I put in your mouth? You just said you hate everyone in it!" Jihoon exclaims. He's so irrational, and it's driving Jihoon insane.

"You put yourself in it?"

"Don't be like this, seriously." Jihoon gets closer to him, takes a few steps and tries to calm down. This is so stupid, but if he gets fired up too, it will go nowhere since Soonyoung is dead-set on being irrational. "Of course we are complicit in everything now. Don't try to ignore it. If you date Wonwoo, you're complicit in it. You know that too and you have to admit it. It's childish and hypocritical, trying to be the better person; you can't have your cake and eat it too."

"What if I don't want to admit it?" He says, angrier, clearly hurt at Jihoon's words. Jihoon looks at him for a second, thinks he maybe finally understands this for what it is, sees behind his facade. He's not refusing it just to be; he's conflicted about something.

"What's up with you?" Soonyoung looks at him with his eyes searching, like he has something to say. "Tell me. What's up?"

Soonyoung scrunches his nose, furrows his brows, averts his head. Jihoon sits there until Soonyoung's eyes are back on him, for the few minutes it takes for Soonyoung to breathe and collect himself.

"He... contacted me."

Jihoon's eyes widen. "Who?"

"You know who."

"What did he say?" Jihoon asks quickly.

"That... he'd release those photos, now that we were successful. If I didn't pay him or make it up to him. That it's because of me his life got ruined, and I owe him a lot for not doing anything."

"And what did you do?"

"I told Wonwoo, that I didn't know what to do," Soonyoung says, bites at his lip. "And he told Seungcheol. And you know what they did?" He pauses, his tone raising. "They got rid of him. Made him try to _kill himself,_ Jihoon. I looked into it, and he's alive, but he doesn't remember anything, he'll never be able to walk or do anything properly again, and it's _because of me._ " His brows furrow like he wants to cry. Jihoon wants to reach out to Soonyoung, but he feels no remorse for the guy.

"I would've done the same thing," Jihoon says, convicted, flat. Soonyoung's surprise at his answer shows on his face.

"What are you saying?"

"I would've done the exact same thing if I could have. Except maybe I would've not spared his life."

"Jihoon..."

"Soonyoung, you're insane. He _raped you,_ forced you into unimaginable things, almost ruined your life, and now came back and blackmailed you for it, when you achieved your dream? I almost killed him back then, Soonyoung, I almost _strangled him_ when I saw him after you told me, even when I didn't know why he did what he did. Even knowing that because he was careless with you, you almost lost everything, I wanted to kill him. I would have, if I had the chance."

Soonyoung bites his lip, conflicted and obviously surprised at Jihoon's words. Jihoon's not kidding.

"You don't see it, Soonyoung, but imagine if it was me. If it was me who had gone through all of that, if you had to see me almost ruined by that man and with trauma that I still hold because I know you do, would you not have wanted to kill him too?"

"I... I would have thought about it," he admits. Jihoon sees the disgust in his eyes, the fire at the thought, despite how he's conflicted.

"That's how I feel, and can you imagine how Wonwoo felt, hmm? He didn't know you back then but he's whipped for you, a blind man could see it. Don't mistake me, I am so annoyed you didn't tell me first and we're going to talk about that, but when you went to him and told him 'I don't know what to do,' did you think he wasn't going to do anything for you? You need to understand that you don't need to feel guilty. You need to move on and that's it, and others will do what they need to do to help you."

"So are you okay with this? With knowing that people need to and _will_ kill for you?"

"I'm still processing through a lot of things too, but... it's this world, isn't it? We've gotten involved with the people who will do that, and if they need to do that for us to be safe... They're not unreasonable and it's usually because there's no other way, so yes. I'm getting to be okay with it."

Soonyoung breathes in, blinks.

"I know what you're going through. I've gone through it before, and trust me, it's taken me a lot of time to work through it. But you will, and it will be fine."

"I don't know about that, Jihoon-ah. I don't know. I don't know if I can think like you in this."

\---

Jihoon closes his laptop, since he's only been ruining the lyrics already on his computer. He's not making any progress at all, that's clear. 

Since his conversation with Soonyoung a few days ago, he's feeling this strange combination between angry and anxious, and he doesn't know what to do about it. It disappears only during concerts, when he sees the faces of thousands of fans who came to see them and it all melts away. But then it comes back with a vengeance, to the point that everybody noticed he's way more snappy than usual. 

Soonyoung's still ignoring him too. Jihoon thought he convinced him, but it somehow seems like it's only shown them how different they are. Soonyoung doesn't rationalize things easily; even if he knows that it's not fair to pretend he's not involved, and that people would do anything for him, he still can't get used to the idea of "that world." He's not like Jihoon, who works through ideas until he makes sense of them, no matter how much time it takes, and then when he does, he files them away. 

Jihoon feels that if he has to talk to him again, he'll just get mad. So he doesn't yet. 

_\---_

_"Hi, baby."_

"Hi."

_"Isn't it late there? Like midnight? Why are you calling me? Everything okay?"_

"Yeah, it's midnight, I'm in Dallas. But yeah. Just wanted to talk."

Seungcheol hums, low and comforting, sounding less alarmed.   _"Did you have a concert today?"_

"Yeah, it just ended. We have nothing tomorrow so I'll stay in."

_"Mhm. Relax well, please."_

"I'll try."

_"Please do. You've worked too hard recently, you need to rest more. You don't have a comeback soon."_

"You and I both know I'm not in the profession where I can afford to do that. Plus we're on a tour," he says, a bit snappy.

_"I know, baby. Just let me say it."_

Jihoon's too exhausted to pretend he didn't call to hear Seungcheol's voice. Too exhausted and tense to fight with him, even though he feels angry at many things.

"What are you doing?"

_"Getting ready for the day. Having a meeting with Jeonghan and Wonwoo then heading to my company office. Got to finish up packing soon."_

"To move it into your new office?"

_"Yeah. Also got to take the files and move them into my house."  
_

"Wait, so you're not moving files to your new office?" The one Jihoon saw, in the fancy building in Gangnam, that's so big and sleek it's so strange for Jihoon to get used to.

_"No. All the files and documents are being moved from my father's house to my house, we don't keep those in any office. And then I'll move offices from my old one to the one that you saw. We moved the actual ceremony, but I figured I'd get everything ready anyway."_

"I don't know why you did," he sighs, turning on his back on the bed.

_"You know why. I said I want you there. Or if you can't be there, at least to meet my family after._

"Okay..."

_"2 more months is nothing, I've waited for more than 10 years. Are you coming back for a bit during the tour though?"_

"I'll be home in around a week for like ten days."

_"Oh, okay. Do you wanna go somewhere for a few days or just... stay in?"_

"Can we stay in? If you're free for a bit. I just wanna do nothing." He is so looking forward to just... being with him.

_"Sure. We can do that."_

"Okay," Jihoon says a bit quietly, lounges on the bed.

_"I miss you. You know that, right?"_

"Cheesy."

_"I do though."_

"I know."

 _"Rejection of the highest class. I see how this is, I see..."_  He sounds like he's pouting, Jihoon can see it even on the phone. What a child.

"I miss you too. Go to the meeting."

_"Will do in a bit, having breakfast now. Wish me luck."_

"Why do you need it?"

_"We have to convince Wonwoo it's a good idea to join us. I thought it was pretty much done, but I don't think it is now. He still has reservations, and I need to dispel them. I'm just not sure where to hit yet."_

"He's committed, don't worry. I just think it's hard for him to switch the idea in his mind. It's not easy."

_"Why do you think he is committed?"_

"Because besides the fact that his heart never quite left the family and all that, he also wants revenge."

 _"You think so?"_ Seungcheol asks, surprise coloring his voice. _"Revenge on who?"_

"On your step-mother. Because she's the one who convinced him, and led him to mess up his life and his loyalty to the family. No? That's how I saw it."

 _"Wait. You're right. Jihoon-ah, you're right. God,_ thank you. _"_

"You're welcome," Jihoon smirks, chuckles. "I hope it's helpful, but don't worry. He wants to be there too."

_"How do you know?"_

"I know Soonyoung."

\---

When they get back, it's late and he's exhausted, from the long flight to seeing their fans at the airport. He loves meeting them and seeing them, but after a 13-hour flight, his headache does not react well to screams and bright lights.

He texts Seungcheol at the airport that he's back but he'll see him tomorrow, and gets a text when he gets home.

_'Did you eat? All of you?'_

_'Nope. Not yet. We're gonna order something soon.'_

_'Don't. Just wait a few minutes.'_ Seungcheol answers and Jihoon huffs at his phone, but he waits, tells his manager not to order.

Less than ten minutes later, there's a knock on their door, and when he goes to open it, two delivery men with way too many plastic bags stare at him. Jihoon blinks, and then Seokmin and Hansol appear in the door too, helping Jihoon take the bags and put them on the table.

"Who did this?"

"Seungcheol," Jihoon grumbles, and they all stare at him.

"Well, you better thank him from all of us," Seungkwan says and starts taking stuff out. It's a lot of food, noodles and sweet and sour pork and soups and boiled pork, and grilled meat, and side dishes, and everybody looks like it's Christmas, except Soonyoung, who looks a little distressed at the show. Jihoon's too exhausted for that.

But it's been weeks and Korean food abroad doesn't compare to that at home, so between the eight of them and their manager, they finish most of it and put the (very few) leftovers in the fridge.

 _'You didn't have to order an entire restaurant for us.'_ He texts Seungcheol when he's in bed and completely awake, even though it's 1 AM; the jetlag is making him both exhausted and unable to sleep.

 _'I just wanted to congratulate you for finishing a bit of the tour and welcome you home. I hope you all ate well.'_ Seungcheol answers.

_'Yes, they devoured it. Why are you awake though?'_

_'Some things I have to go through before an important meeting tomorrow. Slept earlier today, it's fine.'_ He texts. _'Wanna keep me company while I take a break? I can call.'_

Jihoon hums for a second, debates. He's not sleepy anyway.

_'Sure.'_

Mingyu's listening to music with his headphones on, giving Jihoon a questioning look when he climbs down from his bed. Jihoon makes a call sign to his ear and leaves, heading to their balcony, and then turns around, realizing it's always a bad idea to be out in the open.

When he calls Seungcheol, he picks up, right after which Jihoon hears the sound of a lighter.

"You said you'll quit."

 _"I said I'd try."_ His tone is sharp, telling Jihoon he's stressed, and he might've hit a nerve.

"Sorry."

 _"No, don't apologize. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you."_ Jihoon can almost see him run a hand through his hair, rest his forehead on the bottom of his palm.

"What's wrong?"

_"Nothing. Just... some things not checking out."_

"Like what?"

_"Do you ever... do you ever believe you know a person and then it turns out that when it matters most, you don't?"_

Sadly, Soonyoung flashes through Jihoon's mind.

"Yeah. I think so."

_"So what do you do?"_

"Can you talk to them?"

_"No. He's dead."_

"Are you talking about..."

_"I'm talking about Wonwoo's father, yeah. He was like a second father to me, you know? When my father was too busy after my mom died, he taught Wonwoo and me a lot of things. He taught us how to shoot a gun, bought us those monogrammed ones actually. And then I remember also learning how to cook from him because he loved it. I remember sitting with Wonwoo at their kitchen table as Wonwoo's dad shooed his mom away from the food because she would hang around and bother him despite how good he was at it, lovingly though. I remember how kind he was, how gentle._

_But then I also remember my father shouting at him a while later, because he messed up. I was good at hiding, so my father didn't know I was listening in. I didn't know what happened, but it was bad. And yet, my father chose to keep him around, and I grew up with him, he helped me and he was one of my most important advisors. He's Wonwoo's father, but I am the one who grew up with him more."_

"Is that ever strange?"

_"It is. Wonwoo thinks I didn't care, but I did, a lot. He's the only person in the family, besides Jeonghan and Jisoo, Junhui and Jaehwa, who knew I also slept around with guys. When Wonwoo came to me and said he'll work with me to keep his family safe, including his father, I was almost maybe as revolted, because I couldn't imagine ever hurting them. They were like my own family. But it made sense, since his mother ran away to the enemy. I wouldn't hurt them, but others would."_

"I was actually curious. Why could she leave, why was she let go?"

 _"Because she knew she couldn't talk anyway. To save her children, she couldn't really talk much,"_ he says and pauses. _"But honestly... Jihoon-ah, can I tell you the truth?"_

"Yeah," he whispers. "Go ahead."

 _"I was actually supposed to kill them,"_ he admits, voice small, and Jihoon's mouth drops. _"When my father heard Wonwoo entered the police academy, which was a little while before my brother had to leave, he told me to do it. To kill all three of them,"_ he whispers, the memory of it obviously haunting him. Jihoon sighs. _"And I almost did it. Because he had always told me the second son should always be the ruthless one. The one that will do everything and anything asked of him, without asking why. That I'd have to be smart and experienced enough to be able to help the head make the right decisions, but that ultimately, I had to be a tool. Later I realized it was because then I was supposed to have no regrets when I had to die, and accept it as my fate."_ Jihoon breathes in, something ugly running through him.

 _"It was the first time I stood against my father. I think that's when it became clear to him things would never go the way they were supposed to. But I wonder... if I knew that Wonwoo's father killed my mother, even if he regretted it, would I have done it? Would I have killed his family in turn just to make him suffer as much as he made me suffer? Where would I be now? Where would everything be now? It's scary to think that the fact I didn't know the thing I've always wanted to know most maybe_ saved me. _"_

There are goosebumps on Jihoon's arms. Seungcheol's shaky, vulnerable voice, the magnitude of all of this. It is indeed scary to think of what would have happened. He's revolted for Seungcheol in a way because he can't imagine having to grow up with the knowledge of your inferiority, of your subjectivity being made into an object for another.

Jihoon also knows his life would have been different too in some massive way, he's sure that his destiny is somehow entangled with Seungcheol's. But then again, who lives in South Korea and isn't a subject of what they do?

"Do you think it's helpful? To think of the what-ifs?"

_"Maybe. It's making me think about to what level I have been shaped by things I knew nothing about and could do nothing about, and it's frustrating."_

"You just can't accept that there are things out there you can't control, can you?"

_"Yeah... maybe. I'm not used to that. I've been taught when I was young that I have to fight for good things, that nobody is going to give anything to me, not like they would to my brother. So I think I've decided that I have to bring everything good to myself, and not leave anything to chance."_

"Hmm," Jihoon hums. "Do you think I'm a good thing? For you?"

_"Of course. Why are you asking?"_

"Did you intend to fall for me?"

_"...No."_

"Do you ever agonize over the what-ifs? What if you didn't, what if something was different? What if you chose someone else to sponsor and not me?"

_"Sometimes, maybe. But I'm just glad to have you."_

"So then you shouldn't agonize over that either. It's essential to understand how something shapes you, and see how you would've been different with or without it, but ultimately, those need to be thoughts. It's useless to bring them over into real life, or to the present. You need to take the knowledge you have now with you into the future, not the what-ifs. You would've been different, but anything else, a step somewhere, a different road you took when driving one day, could have made you different. What's important is what you do with it from now on, and god knows you have enough to do without leaving room for what-ifs."

_"Jihoon-ah..."_

Jihoon lets the silence wash over them for a while.

"I don't think you would've killed them anyway. You're not a bad person, hyung. You would never take revenge just to make someone suffer. There are reasons for everything, and I think you know them very well, and would've acted in the best way you could."

_"Why do you always know just what to say?"_

"I don't. I just say what I think."

_"I want to see you. Will you come over tomorrow?"_

"I will. I'll text you."

_"Thank you, Jihoon-ah. Seriously, thank you. I've been owing you too much recently."_

\---

Seungcheol sends a car after him the next day, saying he has a meeting that he can't leave but he'll skip after and he'll be at the house around the same time he gets there. Jihoon feels bad for making him leave the office early, but he doesn't really. Seungcheol always works too hard, and Jihoon wants him to be able to leave sometimes. Especially when Jihoon has less than nine days left off from tour, and most of them he has to spend in the practice room. 

When he sees him, Seungcheol almost runs to him, picks him up in his arms and lets Jihoon wrap his arms around his neck.  When he kisses him, it's with all the longing Jihoon has admittedly felt too.

"Hi, baby."

"Hi," he smiles.

Seungcheol says they should eat lunch, and that he has to send a quick email so that they can have the whole day to themselves after. His staff has to leave soon too, he says, since Thursdays are cleaning days and they're all here now. Except right when he settles at the long table in the living area with his laptop, Jihoon with his own to his left, Seungcheol seems to have heard something and his ears immediately perk up, his head shooting up.

"What's wrong?"

"I heard something."

He leans slightly under the table, and 30 seconds later, a woman shows up in the living room, at the other end of the table, and bows. Jihoon's eyes widen.

"Yes, sir."

"Gather everyone here," Seungcheol tells her, and she bows again.

"Yes, sir."

"Who is she?"

"That is Mrs. Park, she's my chief of staff for the house. She runs all the chefs, cleaners, everyone who works here."

In less than two minutes, all his staff is in the room, standing straight at the head of the table. Jihoon sees Seungcheol's expression change, harden.

"Who brought their child here?"

They all freeze even more, if possible, their eyes widening. Seungcheol's eyes raise from his laptop to them.

"If nobody answers in the next five seconds, there will be consequences."

"It... it's me, sir. I apologize. He's ten and not in school right now, and... and I had nobody to leave him with, sir, I apologize." One of the staffers' voice trembles in fear, her eyes scrunching like tears will fall out. Jihoon feels terrible for her, wants to comfort her, but he wouldn't dare. Not yet.

"Hmm," Seungcheol turns his eyes back to his laptop, typing again. "Leave and do not come back. You'll get a payment for another year from Mrs. Park, as per the contract. Thank you for your work," he lifts his head to tell her. "You are all dismissed."

"Yes... yes, sir. Thank you," she says and bows 90 degrees, leaves the room. Everybody else also bows and leaves, Mrs. Park closing the door and leaving Seungcheol and Jihoon alone.

"Why did you do that?"

"Hmm?" Seungcheol hums, finishes typing and closes his laptop. "Do what?"

"Fire her," Jihoon says, a disappointed frown on his face. "You didn't have to. She just brought her child here because she couldn't leave him with anyone else."

"I moved everything here, you know. This house has secrets now, Jihoon. And when a house has secrets, it also has ears."

"He was just a child."

"A teenager now. I was much younger than him when I got my first gun." He looks into Jihoon's eyes. "The reason why this empire is still here, why it didn't crumble under its own weight, is because it had people who made the right decisions at the right times and kept the right people loyal. And one of these decisions is how we treat our people to keep them loyal." He crosses his hands on the table, leans a little towards Jihoon, who's a little unsettled. That Seungcheol is different from his Seungcheol.

"You see, despite what people think, loyalty is not necessarily a feeling, not for all people. You don't stay loyal to something only because you suddenly feel attached to it. Loyalty is built, and it can be built either because you understand that it is better for you to stay somewhere, or that it is worse for you to leave. For the people I work _with_ , I first convince them that the best place for them to be is next to me. That I can make them the money, give them the protection, the rush, the power. And then they realize that it's worse for them to leave, that they _can't_ quite leave.

For the people that work for me, they don't necessarily have the same large goals as the people that work with me. They usually want to be able to provide for their families, live better lives, exist comfortably. They also might not be able or willing the comprehend the scale that they work for or the goals, so they need to know first that it's worse for them to leave. So they need to be afraid of me. Later on, they realize that they have no reason to be afraid, because I will pay them fairly, I will not make them work hard, and they will be respected in turn. But then when that happens, some of them forget who I am, they get interested in other things, think they can break the rules and get away with it because I am nice.

If they do that, any little mistake could spell disaster, _especially_ since all the important documents are in this house now. A child stumbling upon a document they shouldn't, someone misplacing a letter, someone speaking up to a higher-up and causing a scandal or ruining my image. Firing her was not about what she did, but it was about setting an example that no mistakes or rule-breaking is accepted. That hierarchy needs to be maintained, standards need to be kept, and that there are consequences for when rules are broken. She will be fine. There's a large amount of money she'll be paid, and she can stay home with her child until he goes to school or he grows up and she can go work somewhere else."

There's indignation in Jihoon, and he's sure it is showing. He's not sure he agrees, not sure with the way he did it.

"Jihoon-ah... I need to have children. At some point," he switches the subject immediately, clearly testing the waters out. Now that he hit Jihoon with one thing, he might as well hit him with another.

"Do they have to be yours?"

Seungcheol sighs.

"Yes."

"Are we going to be over then?"

"If I say no, will you stand by me when it happens?" For that and for everything else Jihoon might not approve of, he can tell.  
  
"Do I have a choice?"

"You're the only person I will ever give a choice to."

"Then I will stand by you. But I can't guarantee I'll always agree with everything you do."

"You shouldn't," he smiles.

\---

For some reason, they don't mess around that day, even if they haven't seen each other in so long. Truthfully, after the day and after the things that happened, Jihoon kind of knows the reason, it just doesn't feel right, but there's something else. Something that's been bothering him since their phone call a week ago. So when they're heading to the bedroom for a decided Netflix session, Jihoon pulls Seungcheol to the couch.

"What's up?"

"Wanted to ask you something."

Seungcheol hums and sits down, and Jihoon makes himself comfortable.

"When we talked like a week ago about Wonwoo's father... you said something about him being the only one, besides some others, that knew you were also sleeping with guys. And... the way you phrased that is so particular. You didn't say you were into guys, just that you slept with them. Why?"

Seungcheol bites at his bottom lip.

"Cause I'm not quite... into guys per se."

 _'What the hell?'_ is the only thought going through Jihoon's mind, his eyes narrowing at Seungcheol. What the hell.

"Like... I was never _straight_ straight, don't get me wrong, and I've slept with some guys in college, and Jeonghan and Jisoo, but not more than that."

"Wait, what? You slept with Jeonghan and Jisoo?" _What the hell._

"Yeah..." he scratches his head. "Sometimes. It was fun and easy, I don't know. Never gave any thought to that really. It never needed any thought, because there's nothing there."

In a way, Jihoon can't judge him, because... well, Soonyoung. It's so strange to imagine, but not difficult. Jeonghan and Jisoo are... Jeonghan and Jisoo. Drop dead gorgeous. 

"So let me get this straight... you've slept with some guys, but never dated any or what?"

"Some guys is a lot to say. Like 4 in total. And no."

"So then why the hell did you start dating me? When you didn't _have to_ anymore?" He asks, confused.

"Because I didn't care about that?" Jihoon's eyes get even smaller, surely telling Seungcheol he's about to get some kind of way. "Not that I didn't care that you were a guy, I just didn't care I was mostly straight. It was just... I didn't care. We just fit well."

Is Jihoon overreacting? Maybe he is.

"So then... who did you date before me?"

"Didn't really date anyone after college. Not even in college much, honestly. There were some girls I was kind of into, but it didn't ever work out."

"Why didn't it ever work out?"

"I don't know. It was just sex and I never wanted more or it just never happened, I don't know."

"Just sex?"

"Yeah."

Maybe Jihoon _is_ overreacting, but this just feels so off to him, settles weird in his stomach. Knowing Seungcheol was probably the typical rich chaebol son, with the girls and the parties and the drugs, he bets.

"Do you ever feel like you wanna go back?"

"To what?" His head tilts in confusion.

"To the past, I don't know."

"To sleeping with random people? Of course not! What's up with you?"

"I don't know... the way you said that, I thought that if you weren't into guys, then why..."

"Do you think I'm not into you? Are you joking?" He huffs. "God, Jihoon, are you serious? I am into you on so many levels, all levels possible, and that includes the physical, _trust me._ I can barely hold myself back sometimes when I'm with you and you do something random and I just... it would not be appropriate for me to act on it, and you think I'm not into you? Did I ever do something to make you think that?"

"No. You didn't. I know you're into me, but I just thought...It's just that I was on tour and I'm away for a long time and I didn't know if it's enough, if you would want to..."

"Okay, stop. Stop. Did you think I would _cheat on you_?"

"Are we exclusive though?"

"Did you think we were not?" He asks, surprised. "I know I technically asked you to date me before... that whole mess, but I thought we were. If you don't want to, we can talk about it, but..."

"No no, I want to. I definitely do. I just wasn't sure if you did, I don't know."

"Listen, I might not be into guys as much as I am into girls, and there were girls I slept with and thought about, but..." Jihoon scoffs. "None of that matters. That's in the past, and a _long time ago_. I'm with you, and there's nowhere I'd rather be. No one else."

Jihoon nods, but slowly. Seungcheol looks at him, and Jihoon wonders if he found what he's looking for.

"Want me to prove it?" He smirks then, his expression changing in an instant. Jihoon rolls his eyes.

But truthfully, the sight of Seungcheol on his knees in front of the couch, taking Jihoon's cock in his mouth, is not one he gets to see often, so he won't complain. Not in the slightest.

\---

Seungcheol takes the time to look at Jihoon from his place on the bed, leaning on the headboard with his hands crossed behind his head. He's looking for his phone, wearing only boxers after their shower, and he's a sight. To say he's a sight is actually an understatement because sometimes, Seungcheol looks at him and gets blinded. He doesn't get how Jihoon doesn't see that. Perhaps Seungcheol should remind him more often.

When he's settled, he joins Seungcheol on the bed, and Seungcheol uses his phone to close the curtains and turn all the lights off except the lamp on the nightstand, bathing the room in a soft yellow glow despite it being only afternoon.

Jihoon looks up at him from his place on Seungcheol's chest, a question in his eyes.

"What's up?" Seungcheol asks, looks down at him, taps his fingers on his waist.

"Would you ever let me top you?"

"You want to?" Seungcheol chuckles.

"Maybe."

"Then sure."

"Seriously?" Jihoon turns on his stomach to properly look up at him, surprised.

"Yeah. What, you think my masculinity is that fragile it wouldn't survive you fucking me?"

"No, I... I wasn't sure."

"If you want to, then sure. I'm down."

"Fine. I'll remember that."

"Hmm. Do," Seungcheol hums, settles into the pillows and closes his eyes, draping his hand back over Jihoon's waist. Maybe he'll nap a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many conversations in this chapter, but I actually loved it a lot, so I hope you did too! Looking forward to your thoughts. <3


	3. everything is good if you are here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY. Okay. We're here. I really like this chapter, not because of how it's written because I'm never fully happy with that, but because I got to share some of the parts I've been waiting so long to, so I hope you feel the same haha. Enjoy! <3

"Do you know it's been almost a year since we met?" Seungcheol asks him one morning while they're perched on the kitchen counter and having breakfast. Jihoon has three days before he has to go back on tour for the last 4 concerts, so he's been spending a lot of time with Seungcheol.

Jihoon blinks at him. A year... and his whole life is different.

"That's not a long time."

"Does it feel like a long time?"

"Kind of. A lot's changed."

"For good, I hope," Seungcheol smiles, and Jihoon nods, letting Seungcheol kiss his cheek as he passes by to drop his plate in the sink. "Wanna bring your members?" he asks, leaning over the table in front of Jihoon.

"Where? Here?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't mind. I want to meet them properly, before the ceremony and stuff. Plus, Junhui is coming too, and since somehow it ended up that, you know..."

"That two of my members ended up dating people around you?"

"Yeah, pretty much. It would be nice."

"Are you sure though?" Jihoon drawls. "They'd go crazy, be super loud. Might break some stuff."

"I don't care," he smiles. "Look, I've always been kind of alone here. All the parties I've thrown were for the family, and I actually haven't thrown any in a few years, since we moved all our parties to the main house. So I don't mind people here, I seriously want to. It just feels like a waste of a beautiful space."

"Are you trying to win them over with this?"

"Nope. Will it work?"

Jihoon smiles despite himself.

"Sure. We have no schedules after one today, I'll tell them."

"That's awesome. Jeonghan actually wanted to meet them, if you don't mind. He suggested it actually, was being all motherly and stuff."

"Like how?"

"Said I should spoil you more, and them too. 'Cause you work hard enough and you've been through a lot already."

"Told you I don't want that."

"But I'm not buying you anything, am I? Just having you and them over."

\---

"You said what?" Mingyu asks, shocked.

"Seungcheol asked if you wanted to go over tonight. To relax."

"To his house?"

"Yes. He has a really nice space. Plus, Junhui and Wonwoo will be there, so if you're okay with it..." he looks at Minghao and Soonyoung.

"We're going. Let's go," Seungkwan says and in less than two seconds, they've all gone to change.

"Soonyoung-ah..." Jihoon starts, seeing him perched on the armchair. "Just come."

"I already said I would." But he doesn't seem happy with it. He's been warming up recently to the idea of being associated with Seungcheol and the family, Jihoon can tell, but he's still not there yet. Maybe it's a conversation Wonwoo had with him that Jihoon couldn't have that's made him a bit better, but it's still slow.

Minghao ends up driving their van, with Jihoon's instructions. Seungcheol told him to call when he's almost there, and Jihoon does so right when they get a bit of a view of the house and Seungkwan _yells._

"Told you they'd be loud," he tells Seungcheol on the phone, who chuckles.

 _"It's fine. We're excited to meet them,"_ he says right as the gate opens.

"See you," Jihoon ends the call.

"This is insane!" He hears Mingyu screech behind him. Jihoon looks at Minghao, who must be also somehow familiar with this level of luxury and doesn't let it affect him anymore. He is more excited to finally see Junhui than the house since they can't meet that often, Jihoon knows.

He instructs Minghao to park the car per Seungcheol's instructions, and it looks so out of place here, even if the company got them a nicer one after the comeback. They barely wait for the car to stop before jumping out, Mingyu, Seokmin, and Seungkwan being the main perpetrators. Not even Soonyoung is immune, he can tell, his mouth open in shock.

They gather themselves enough to greet the people at the door, quickly getting serious. Truthfully, even if he knows everyone and he's familiar with them, seeing them together, Seungcheol, Wonwoo, Junhui, Jeonghan and Jisoo, Jihoon is kind of reminded who they are, they make that imposing of a picture. He quickly shakes that thought from his head, walking up to them, trying to dispel the kind of awkward atmosphere his members got themselves in. But he doesn't have to, because Jeonghan frees himself from Jisoo's hold on his waist and almost skips to them.

"Ah, finally. You're so cute," he finds Chan first, squeezes his cheek, introduces himself to them, and effectively breaks the intimidating attitude they previously had in a second flat.

From the corner of his eye, he sees Minghao hug Junhui, and Soonyoung talking to Wonwoo and nodding, and so he finally goes to Seungcheol, lets him kiss his cheek.

"He was so excited for this," Jisoo comments, shaking his head to Jeonghan, who's effectively floating between his confused members. "He doesn't have enough people to squeeze love from, says everyone around us is too boring."

Seokmin looks positively enamored already, so it must be working.

If they were a little bit contained before, now Jihoon can hear everyone's shock as they walk into the house. Their gasps recall Jihoon's shock seeing it for the first time. And even so, he had some time to get used to it through getting used to Seungcheol and seeing his cars and his apartment, which they didn't.

"This is amazing," Mingyu comments, and Jihoon hears Seungcheol chuckle from next to him.

"I'm glad you like it. We really wanted to have you over," he tells them, and like they get reminded this is indeed Seungcheol's house, they turn to him.

"Thank you."

It's a bit awkward, he won't lie. Jihoon doesn't know where to be, if next to them as they walk around, or next to Seungcheol, introducing them to it. The choice is made for him when Jeonghan volunteers to take them for a tour and drags Jisoo too. Jihoon doesn't go, settles on the couches with Wonwoo and Junhui. Eventually, Seungcheol brings drinks and sits down next to him.

"It's pretty impressive when you see it the first time, right? Especially in the daylight," Junhui chuckles, and Jihoon turns his eyes to him. Out of all of Seungcheol's close friends, he's the one he's had the least interactions with, but Junhui always struck him as someone who's really nice, despite everything he does.

"First time he brought me here, I hoped I didn't have a hole in my socks," Jihoon remembers. "It felt like I would've dishonored the house, like it would be mad at me and I would never be welcome again."

"You did?" Seungcheol laughs.

"Yeah. I still feel like that sometimes."

"You don't need to."

"It doesn't change anything if you say you don't need to, Seungcheol. Even I feel shocked by it sometimes," Junhui comments with a smile.

"Your house in China is much worse than this," Seungcheol comments, raising an eyebrow.

"I know, but that one is not mine. Are we comparing family houses now?"

Seungcheol clamps his mouth shut quite comically, and Wonwoo turns to Jihoon. Wonwoo must also not be fully comfortable here, since he's still working through many issues himself, more than Jihoon can imagine. But he's a fantastic actor, so Jihoon can't really see it, more guesses it than anything.

"Have you seen the family house yet, Jihoon-ah?"

"No, not yet. Why?"

"Oh, you'll see when you see it," Junhui remarks.

"Is it more than this?"

"Oh, _it is,_ " he nods, his voice deepening in an exaggeration of the last words. "It's not a house. It's an estate."

"Stop. Please," Seungcheol mumbles, his head in his hand.

Jihoon figured, but just how rich could they be?

"Most expensive house in Korea," Junhui fake-whispers to Jihoon. His mouth drops open.

"Most?"

"Three times as much as the next one. Which is this one. Not a big deal," Junhui shrugs. "When he takes over..." he points his finger to Seungcheol, who interrupts him.

"Please, no," he pleads, but Junhui is unfazed.

"You'll be dating effectively the richest man in Korea, one of the richest in East Asia. And nobody will know it."

Maybe it's not right, but it makes Jihoon's heart drop a little. It's something else to know and to deal with, _again._

Everybody comes back from the tour, and they decide they'll go to the pool since it's too hot not to. They seem less awkward, probably something Jeonghan said or did, and Jihoon is glad to see it.

But that means Jihoon is left without a distraction from the sour taste in his mouth, which Seungcheol notices.

"You okay?" He whispers to him right before getting off of the couch. Jihoon gets up too.

"Yeah."

"You're not. Let's talk a little."

Jihoon throws a glance to his members and nods, and Seungcheol pulls him to the kitchen, tells everyone they'll be out in a second. Jihoon perches up on the bar like he's instinctively gotten used to doing, his back to the outside, and Seungcheol leans on the opposite counter, hands folded on his chest. It means everyone can see them from outside, and Jihoon is conscious to not talk too loudly or draw too much attention.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know, just..."

"Is it something Junhui said?"

"Maybe. I really don't know."

"Jihoon... does it matter to you?" He says, carefully, like he's trying not to push a button. Jihoon mentally berates himself because he hates that, having people walk on eggshells around him for any reason.

"You know it doesn't. Money in itself is never the issue. It's just that honestly, hyung..." He takes a breath in, thinks of how he can put his thoughts forward. He's never been not confident, insecure in how he looks maybe, but never insecure like how he has felt recently. It started with what Seungcheol had said in that phone call, and even if he got those thoughts squished, deeper thoughts were already unrooted.

"It just makes me feel low. It's not you, it's just... maybe it's this house or the cars or the idea of the ceremony in a few weeks and meeting your family, but I just feel awful. I know everyone wonders how the fuck I ended up with you, and maybe I wonder myself. You could have anyone, Seungcheol, and you picked me, and I just... I maybe just don't get why. I don't get how I'm supposed to fit into this glamorous world of yours, I don't have anything to show for it, and I don't know if I can get used to it. I know you said then I'm the only one... I just wonder why."

Seungcheol seems no less than shocked at his admission. It's been brewing for so long in Jihoon, that he feels almost anxious to let it out. He knows it's a poisonous thought, and he's afraid it will poison his world even more when it's spoken out loud.

"If you don't care for money, why do you think _I_ do? Or about etiquette or glamour or all of this? I've grown up with it, and realized just how much it doesn't matter. It's not made to define you, it's made to enhance who you are. To empower you to live as who you deserve to be. Jihoon-ah..."

He comes closer to Jihoon, resting his hands next to Jihoon on the counter.

"Look, baby. Me saying you shouldn't think like that won't help. I can just say don't underestimate yourself. Everything you see around here, you're not used to it, but getting used to it doesn't mean you have to raise yourself to it, cause this is not higher than you. It means just let it help you."

"It's easy to say, because you grew up with it. You don't see it."

Seungcheol purses his lips, the corner of his mouth dropping, and his eyes searching Jihoon.

"I know it's scary, coming into this life. And I'll tell you more after I get up there and know more myself, but for God's sake, please, never think you're not worthy. That's ridiculous, and I know you know it. I fell for you, Jihoon-ah, because I couldn't even comprehend just how much there is to you. And you know it too, that you're above. Don't underestimate that knowledge, don't consider it. Just let it push you, and you'll achieve more than you can think of. In time, this," he points around him, "will be nothing. You'll see."

"Hyung..." He stops him, but once Seungcheol starts, he can't be stopped.

"I don't think you know how it feels to wake up in the morning next to you, Jihoonie. It feels like whatever's out there, I can deal with, just because that's how I start my day. By seeing you. And no house or money nor anything I can see or touch or think of, nor anything else I do can give me a hundredth of that feeling. Do you get it?"

Seungcheol's honest, frank. How earnest he is reminds Jihoon of how he felt with him before he found out everything, how supported and powerful, and is that how Seungcheol feels? With Jihoon? Why didn't Jihoon see it?

"Okay... Okay. I just... I guess I kind of let things get the best of me when they shouldn't. It was dumb. I'm sorry."

"Just talk to me if you feel off. Whatever it is."

"I will. I'm really sorry."

"Don't apologize. Please don't. Just wait a second," he says and runs off to the second floor. Jihoon tips his head back, pinches the bridge of his nose, sighs. The ridiculousness hits him now; he messed up especially when he needs to be confident, put up a strong front when he meets his family. Seungcheol trusts him with that, and Jihoon needs to get his act together and show up for him.

Seungcheol comes back with a black, flat book-sized box, and Jihoon startles out of his thoughts. What the hell did he buy him.

Seungcheol hands it to him, and Jihoon hesitates to take it.

"What is this? Tell me before I open it."

"Open it first."

"Hyung."

"Do it. Please." Jihoon takes a breath, opens it, sees a card, and promptly closes it back up.

"Seungcheol. What did you do. Tell me." When he dares to call him by his name, it's probably serious. Seungcheol bites his lip, looks up at Jihoon with his eyes wide.

"I can add one person to my account, so I added you. That's the card for it."

To say that Jihoon is shocked is an understatement.

"You added me to your account?" He almost shrieks, before he remembers everybody is probably trying their best to listen in.

"Yes. I really wanted you to have it, just for emergencies or whatever you need. I don't want you to feel like you have to ask me for anything. It's unlimited, so you can do whatever you want with it. Well, unless you want to buy a car or something, then you should probably let me know or ask for approval."

"Seungcheol!" He snaps, almost way too loud. "I told you. I don't want your money. I don't want anything to do with it."

"This is not money, I swear. I know. I know you don't want me to buy you things, so I won't. You can just buy them yourself." Jihoon glares at him, and Seungcheol continues, puts his hands on his thighs, running them up and down in comfort.

"Look, I know. I know it seems like a lot, but I don't think it is a lot. It's exactly what I've said before. You shouldn't think that money is above you, or that it makes you; you shouldn't think that me giving you things or making you this card means that you are after my money. You are not. Everything is convenience, and everything is just so that you live comfortably and have what you need. You have to get used to it, you can't just ban the existence of money or things from your life. This is what I have, and I want you to have it too."

"I haven't worked for _this,_ and this is your hard work, Seungcheol. Not mine."

"You think I have? I've been given everything, I only worked hard enough to take it further. Having this card doesn't make you less honest, or less worthy. Listen to me. Us being together means that all of our hard work and everything we have is ours, not just one of us'. Get it? You can't only have what you like about me, so here you go. This is a piece of me. Take it, and for god's sake, if you don't use it out of principle, I'll be mad."

"That doesn't mean I approve."

"You don't have to. It's too late," he smiles, the motion of him caressing over Jihoon's thighs comforting. "I didn't buy you anything; it's not a matter of money, it's a matter of you being with me. I just want you to feel like it's something that's yours now, part of you too. Open it."

Jihoon glares at him some more for good measure, and does open it, looking at the card in the box. It's black, it has some sort of silver artwork lining on the edge, and something resembling a warrior on the center. And most strikingly, there's Jihoon's name on it. _His name._

"Nobody knows I added you to it or can make the connections. Don't worry, this is super private."

Jihoon picks it up, and it feels so heavy in his hand. It's metal, some sort of thick black material that just feels like it's burning through him.

"As I said, it's unlimited. Do whatever. Buy whatever. But also, more than that, you get access to my concierge service. I think you'll find that useful, because he can help with anything. Get stranded on the road with your members, you can get assistance right away. Need to change flights in the next minute because you missed it or something, but don't have time? He'll help. Want to go to a restaurant that's all reserved, he'll find a table for you in under an hour. Want to shop abroad but don't want to be disturbed by fans? He'll make sure they close down the shop for you. Seriously, anything you need, emergencies or not. Use it. Preferably don't lose the card too, I've done that when I was in college and they had to basically close down a club at 2 AM in the morning to look for it. But I know you won't."

"Seungcheol..."

"Part of it, remember? Part of it."

Jihoon closes his eyes, breathes in so he doesn't have a heart attack.

"Okay. I don't know, but okay." Seungcheol pulls on his hand then, interlocks their fingers.

"Let's go to my room for a second." Jihoon nods even though hesitantly, closes the box and hops down from the counter, follows Seungcheol up the stairs and through the door.

"Drop it on the bed, table, wherever." He leaves the box on the table and walks back to Seungcheol, who puts his hands on his hips.

"What is it?"

"Just wanted to kiss you here, without everyone watching."

Jihoon purses his lips, but he wraps his arms around Seungcheol's neck, going up on his tiptoes to kiss him. He's slow, lets Jihoon lead it and pulls away eventually, resting his forehead on Jihoon's.

"Thank you for trusting me. I know it's not easy."

"It's okay. I just wish you would run things by me before you do crazy stuff _for me,_ or at least warn me."

"I thought the shock factor would make you forgive me," he laughs, pecking Jihoon's lips again. "Better to ask for forgiveness than permission, right?"

"Nope. Permission always."

"Okay. I'll keep that in mind. I promise."

Jihoon glares at him until he thinks his point was made. Seungcheol kisses him again, bites at Jihoon's bottom lip and smooths his hands over his hips.

"We should go. They're probably thinking we're fucking or something."

"Right. Okay. Stay the night though?"

\---

"So what do you do in the winter? With the garden on the roof and the glass windows and the no walls on the bottom or so?" Seungkwan asks when they're all lounging in the pool or around it.

"It all closes, actually. There's a temporary roof I install over the garden so it's still usable, connecting with the side walls, and all the glass walls on the second and third floor cover with lightweight materials that keep the warmth in but are still able to move easily. They're retracted into the walls right now, but they stay there all winter. The bottom floor also has those materials even if it has no glass. The balcony is the only place that I actually install glass on, but it's heavy glass, and it manages to stay warm."

"It just seems like such an open house considering the weather in Seoul," he comments, and Seungcheol nods.

"It is. The architect actually designed it to be in Los Angeles, but I liked the architectural plan a lot, I loved the open first floor that connected to the pool and the back patio. Plus the balcony. It took around two years to figure how to insulate it before all the house architecture was done, and a few billion won. But it's worth it." He nods.

"Wow," Seokmin says in awe.

"Wait... this was built by you?" Mingyu asks, some of his formalities gone from the surprise.

"Yes. Kind of. We renovated an old house, but in reality, most of it is new."

"How long did this take you?"

"I started working on it when I was 15? Finished it when I was 22, and then it took me another year to do the interior design and the finishes."

"You directly worked on it?"

Seungcheol nods. "Yes. I designed a lot of it actually, worked on the architecture and the technical stuff, worked on building it sometimes, but also picked out most of the pieces inside it."

"That's insane," Seokmin comments, looking around at it. It's clearly Seungcheol's pride.

"Thank you for having us. Seriously. This is incredible."

"You should come more often," Jeonghan nods, determined. "It's too big, it's boring when it's empty. And it has the best guest suite ever, you should stay in it."

"Unless I'm here. Then it's mine, stay away," Junhui laughs.

Seungcheol backs Jeonghan up with a chuckle, nodding as well, saying they should come. Jeonghan really took to his members, it seems, who also seem comfortable with him and everyone else. Jihoon's heart kind of swells with pride, seeing that they're actually enjoying this.

It doesn't mean his predictions are wrong though. They move to the game room, where Seungcheol makes drinks at the bar and they split between playing pool and chatting. They're loud, for one, and then Mingyu messes up with the pool stick and hits a vase that drops to the floor and breaks into tiny, tiny pieces.

They all freeze, and Jihoon turns to Seungcheol.

"I told you. Told you they'd break something," he drawls.

"It's fine," Seungcheol smiles to Mingyu, pats him on the back when he starts frantically apologizing.

"I'll replace it, I promise, _I'm so sorry._ I'll start saving up for it, I swear..." Seungcheol laughs when he hears it, and so does everyone else.

"It's seriously fine. Trust me, everything is replaceable. Just have fun," he smiles, and it seems to work on Mingyu, who does stop apologizing. Maybe Jihoon falls for Seungcheol a little more, seeing how genuinely nice he is to his members. It feels like his two worlds are coming together.

Chan joins him at the bar in the corner, and Jihoon takes the opportunity to ruffle his wet hair.

"This is amazing, hyung. It's so beautiful. They're all great."

"It is, I know."

"You're seriously... dating him? It's serious? Do we have to threaten him? I don't think it will work. He'll send people after us," he shakes his head solemnly, entirely serious. Jihoon huffs with laughter.

"Please don't even try, Channie," he says to him, admittedly fondly. "But yeah. It's serious, I guess."

Chan nods, looking at the view before turning his eyes back to Jihoon.

"You're not fully happy though, hyung. I can tell you're a little off recently."

Jihoon looks at Soonyoung in his line of sight, who's with Wonwoo on the couch, chatting with Junhui and Minghao. His eyes just go there just for a second.

"Is it because of Soonyoung-hyung? He doesn't seem happy either."

Jihoon turns back to Chan, his lips pursing.

"It's a few things. But they'll be fine soon. He'll be fine soon too."

"Please don't hide things from us. We all see when things aren't going well."

"We're not. There's nothing to really say, Channie. I have to get used to all of this still, and Soonyoung does too. It's a lot to ask of someone."

"I couldn't do it, I know. What you two, you three, I guess, are. It just seems so much."

"It is a lot," Jihoon nods. "But it's worth it. We're doing well, and I want you to do well too. I don't want you to worry, 'cause there's nothing to worry about. Seriously."

He would've never had conversations like these with his members before, he knows. He would've just dismissed them, nipped them in the bud even before they could start, snapped at them and that would be it. But recently, he's been forced to. It seems like Jihoon himself is changing, starting to be way more open and way more in tune with feelings and others too. It seems necessary, but it's also scary. Looking at Chan now, being able to tell the trust in his eyes, it's different.

"Go have fun."

"Join us! Seungcheol-hyung has Just Dance on his console. Jeonghan-hyung said he could beat me, so I have to prove him wrong."

Hyung. It took Jihoon months to be comfortable enough to be able to call Seungcheol hyung, and his members did it in one day.

Jeonghan is a good dancer, but clearly not to Chan's standard, who's 20 and with boundless energy if it's about dancing.

And then before he knows it, Chan pulls him up, and makes him the third, with him and Soonyoung, in a kind of hard rendition of Despacito. Jihoon didn't know the song could be that difficult (he's an idol, he's sang and danced to songs way more difficult than that), but it gets them the applause and the cheers of everyone else.

"Why do you even have Just Dance in your house?" He points accusingly at a laughing Seungcheol, sweat dripping down his back and breathing hard. It's hot, that's why it's difficult. Jihoon is a good dancer with great stamina, thank you very much.

Seungcheol doesn't answer, just keeps laughing with everybody else. It was admittedly funny, especially since they all exaggerated their moves.

Everything then becomes like their dorm whenever the game is pulled out, a fierce Just Dance competition. Jihoon watches Seungcheol dance to Blackpink with Jeonghan, Wonwoo, and Junhui, and almost dies laughing. He's a good dancer though.

"Hyung... can I put that song? It will be fun. For you and..." Seokmin whispers to him.

"No," Jihoon immediately snaps back in a whisper, decidedly and a bit harshly. He's not going to [dance to Havana](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjNLPZmJIls) with Soonyoung now. It was a joke in their dorm, Jihoon trying to pick up Soonyoung and dropping him way too often, and barely a half one at that, but now... No.

He doesn't even know how they pretended their members didn't know.

Seokmin dances it with Seungkwan instead, and everybody claps and cheers. Soonyoung looks at him though, catches his eyes, and Jihoon keeps his gaze before Soonyoung turns around. It's weird and frustrating.

But today is not about that. So Jihoon puts it in the back of his mind, cheers and laughs when Seokmin manages to topple with Seungkwan to the floor.

Today is about bringing things together, not division.

"I got Just Dance because you mentioned it," Seungcheol whispers to him, perching on the arm of the couch Jihoon is sitting on.

"Seriously? When did I?"

"When we went up to the mountain, remember? I asked you what you were doing, and you told me."

"Oh?" Did he remember?

"I didn't do it to make you dance, don't worry. Just wanted them to have fun."

Jihoon smiles and turns to his members.

"They are. Thank you."

\---

When his members leave, and barely do, Jihoon settles on one of the chairs on the balcony to do work, and Seungcheol does his own thing in the study. A bit later, Jihoon hears him walk to him though, his shadow casting darkness over his computer from where he's blocking the light.

"If I tell you that I sent everyone home or away for the night too?" Seungcheol bends down, tilts Jihoon's head up to kiss him. Jihoon breaks the kiss, saves his file and closes his laptop, putting it on the ground to his left, knowing no more work is getting done tonight.

"Everyone? Why?"

"I was wondering if you'd consider something."

"What is it?"

"I've always wanted to have sex here. Like on the balcony."

Jihoon raises an eyebrow.

"You've had this house since when again?"

"Since 7 years ago or so?"

"And you've never had sex here? Seems like the perfect place to bring one of those girls," he drawls, looking up at him.

"Are you still on that?"

"You didn't give me any reason not to be."

Seungcheol crouches next to him, so his face is almost level with Jihoon's.

"What if I tell you I never brought anyone here for anything, hmm? Never thought anyone was worth it," he whispers, close to Jihoon's lips.

"And I am?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

Truthfully, Jihoon couldn't care less about those girls. After he got his answers, he realized that he's never really felt insecure in his relationship with Seungcheol per se, no matter who he fucked or did not fuck before him. Frankly, he got Jihoon to kind of not give a fuck; Seungcheol knows that too, but it's fun teasing him.

The insecurity came from how he sees himself as part of Seungcheol's life, what he can bring to the table between them. There's still a little bit there, but those are Jihoon's issues to work through now, and his only.

"What have you been thinking about then? Me?"

"Yeah. You riding me by the fire, the view in the background, the lights. You'd be prettier than the lights, bet I couldn't take my eyes off of you anyway. It would be background only."

"Cheesy," Jihoon teases but closes the gap between their lips, takes a long breath through his nose when Seungcheol slips his tongue past his lips, brings him closer by the side of his neck.

"So you sent everybody home?" Jihoon asks, breaking the kiss again.

"Yeah."

"And are you sure nobody can see us?"

"I mean, there's no way you could come up or take photos up here. I have an anti-drone system for around a kilometer around the house, not to mention alarms and other things. Nothing gets in there, records or transmits from here. Pretty much like the apartment, but much more advanced. And obviously, no people can."

"You have all that?" Jihoon says in surprise.

"Of course. Nobody can know anything that's happening inside here, or have any sort of access. If I have meetings or host things, then I have to be extra careful."

"Fine. Then I'll shower, and you bring a blanket."

"A blanket?" Seungcheol asks, curious. "Why?"

"It's chilly. I don't wanna be cold."

He does bring a blanket, and Jihoon wraps it around his shoulders when he straddles Seungcheol, bends down to kiss him. Seungcheol lets him, fits his hands over his ribs and is already so excited, Jihoon can feel it in the way he kisses. Jihoon almost wants to roll his eyes at him, but he kind of likes how Seungcheol seems to have seriously given thought to this.

He lets Seungcheol finger him, laying on his chest as he does all the work, Jihoon's head buried in his neck. Seungcheol kisses the top of his head, so gentle, like always. Jihoon was ready minutes ago, but Seungcheol is nicely crooking his fingers on his spot and he can't quite be bothered to move.

He eventually does though, lazy and slow, drawn out. The lights are off besides the fire and the pool lights, so everything is dim, dark. He loves it, loves the slow atmosphere, loves to see Seungcheol try to contain himself when Jihoon grinds down on him, teasing. Finally, he takes mercy on him and slowly takes his cock, the stretch hitting him like always. The blanket pools somewhere on his lower back when he puts his hands on Seungcheol's chest, slowly moving up and down.

"Fuck," Seungcheol exclaims, his mouth open in a surprised smile.

"Is it what you thought of?"

"Doesn't even compare. You're so beautiful," he whispers, his hands smoothing over Jihoon's hips on top his shirt.

Jihoon believes it, especially when Seungcheol is looking at him like that. He's not blind to it.

Not immune to it either. Jihoon doesn't pick up his pace, but he can feel his heartbeat quickening, the pleasure hitting. Seungcheol's hand grabs his cock, tugging at him, his other hand sneaking under Jihoon's shirt to tug at his nipple, and he is already _so close._

He comes when Seungcheol hits his spot a couple of times, making a mess of his shirt and Seungcheol's, the pleasure drawing through him in waves. He doesn't stop bouncing on Seungcheol though, determined to make him come too, whining a bit, putting on a show. His back arches and his head drops back, exposing the long arch of his neck, knowing it makes him look good. One of his hands touches his stomach when Seungcheol gets a little bit deeper, grinding inside him, because he can almost feel it.

When Seungcheol is almost there, his eyes never leave Jihoon's. He wonders how Seungcheol is seeing him now, how he looks with the sight in the background, with the lights of the city.

"So pretty, baby," Seungcheol whispers like he read his mind, and Jihoon moves more intently, drawing out Seungcheol's orgasm. Seungcheol's eyes never leave his for a second when he comes, his hands on Jihoon's hips burying himself deep inside him and coming with a moan.

When they're in the bed, showered and lazy, Seungcheol's head on his chest and Jihoon playing with his hair, Seungcheol starts to talk.

"You know, it wasn't just about the sex."

"What was it?"

"Tonight. Or in general, today with your members too. I think it's just the idea too."

"Hmm?" Jihoon prods, letting him continue.

"You being here. I never dreamed to have anyone here, never thought of it; this was my place, and I never thought of bringing anyone because I never thought they'd fit, or get it. Or I didn't want them here. Even if I hosted parties in the beginning, I never brought hook-ups or whatever here, and the parties were family responsibilities, not mine per se. I honestly kind of got used to the idea I'd be alone forever, and that this big place, no matter how cozily designed, would just stay weirdly empty. But then you came into my life, and even a few months ago, way, way long ago... I thought about it. What would it be if I came clean to you, brought you here. Thought you would fit in here, truly make it seem like home. And I was right."

"This house means a lot to you, doesn't it?" Now that Jihoon is kind of able to look past the money and the grandeur, he can tell. He ignores how Seungcheol's admission makes his heart beat faster, even though Seungcheol can definitely hear it.

"Yeah. A house has always been the present to the second son. Kind of a consolation gift. Most of them chose vacation houses in weird places, but I chose it here, in Seoul. They give it to you because you're going to always be the second one, probably will be killed too when the head decides you're too threatening to their power. So have this fancy house instead," he huffs.

"Killed? I remember you told me about it."

"Yeah. It happens often. The second son, or daughter, helps the head, their brother or sister, for a while, but then there's always a rift or something, and they die or disappear. Coincidentally," he says and pauses. "I think it's when I was planning this house with my father that I realized that was the case. And that it wouldn't work for me, that I needed to do something."

"So... did you oust your brother?"

"I did," Seungcheol nods, maybe kind of surprised Jihoon could tell. Jihoon could tell. It was obvious, from his words and his attitude. Jihoon's fingers in his hair move, playing with a few strands. "I wish I could apologize to him for it, that I had to do it by outing him, because I understood him, in a way. But if I didn't do that, I couldn't have done it any other way. I would've had to do things I couldn't have done."

"Why did he have to leave? I don't think you did it just for yourself."

"No, I didn't. My brother is... or was, I guess, I don't know... He was too sensitive and also too short-tempered and very, very egotistic, very stubborn with his beliefs. He was that combination that would never be able to take defeat, but also would let his short temper and his inability to change and adapt get in his way. He would never take feedback, would take it personally, would be too stubborn, but also be too kind where he shouldn't have, like with staff or so, and too hateful of people that we need to be able to maintain power."

"You're a bit like that too. You're fairly soft-tempered by nature, but you have a short attitude too. Get fired up quick, and are very stubborn as well," Jihoon remarks.

"I know. But I learned not to be like that when it matters."

"That's true," Jihoon admits. From what he's seen, it's true. Seungcheol can be awfully cold and stoic when he wants to.

"That's why everyone supported me. Because I gained their respect when I grew up to be tougher than my brother. It meant they wouldn't be able to manipulate me, but I was more rational. I wouldn't get rid of them because I hate who they are and what they stand for, even if I do, even if I don't. So they picked their losses and supported my father's decision to make me the head. I had to because otherwise, things would've gotten nasty, I know. He wouldn't have been able to rule with a clear head. So I had to."

"Do you regret it?"

"Do you remember asking me that? The second time we met."

"Yeah. You said it was not a choice you made, but it was given to you."

"It was the truth. In a way, if he got himself killed or messed up, which I'm sure he would have, I would've had to come back, but I would've started from zero. So it was a matter of me taking over early, or doing it later, trying to salvage a mess. Or he could have killed me before he did mess up, and this entire family would be over. He actually did mess up, you know?"

"How?"

"You might not know, actually, because it was contained in the company. But there was a scandal with a promising idol trainee around 11 years ago taking cocaine at a club and overdosing on it. She lived, but it almost got to the prosecution and they almost got to the source of it, which would have been terrible for us, and could have brought inquiry. We could have solved it by paying them off, but we prefer not to get into scandals from the start. We actually keep drugs away from entertainment or celebrities or anything that can be public because it's just messy and terrible for them, and not a great example. It's easy to get convinced to use in that atmosphere, so eventually, the family kind of pulled out of it. Of dealing for clubs as well. But he liked the son of a businessman, who used him along with his father to get permission to bring drugs into their Gangnam club, which is where it happened."

"So that's when it was clear to you it was not going to work?"

"Fairly, yeah. I was almost 19 then, and my father made me stop training and sent me to college, and then to the military academy. He knew too, even though he'd never admit it, waited for me to do it. Soon before I entered college, I hired someone to take photos of my brother on a holiday with a man. The fact that he was on that holiday with the same dude who screwed him over was the last straw for everyone."

"That sounds awful. And to be honest, stupid of him."

"Yeah," Seungcheol huffs with a laugh. "Kind of. So yeah... I don't regret it. I was born into this life, and this is who I am."

Jihoon looks at him, at his peaceful expression despite their conversation, at his hair that's now a mess because of Jihoon's need to do something with his hands. The fire at the window, the low music Seungcheol put, and the knowledge that they have a weekend together with nothing much to do, it's different. That Seungcheol now trusts him and has enough time to tell him about everything helps, no matter how twisted and strange. It speaks to how used Jihoon got to it, that he can hear what he just did and still consider this moment soft.

"Jihoon-ah."

"Hmm," Jihoon hums.

"If I tell you something, you won't be mad at me, right?"

Jihoon's fingers pause in his hair, just for a second, before he fiddles with another strand of hair. "What is it?"

"A while ago... right after you told me you'd date me and before that whole mess, that night. Do you remember?"

Jihoon thinks he knows what he's referring to, and his cheeks instantly redden. _No._ He's blocked that memory from his mind.

"You do, right?"

"Hyung. _Please_ don't."

"I just..."

" _Please don't._ Don't remind me."

Seungcheol's head tips up, and he's smiling at Jihoon, the asshole. Jihoon glares at him, but he bets the redness of his ears gives him away.

"I don't think it was fair for me to say it then, so I'll say it now."

Jihoon scrunches his eyes closed so he doesn't have to look at Seungcheol, ignores him so he gives up. Instead, Seungcheol raises a hand to his cheek, smoothing a thumb over his cheekbone, and Jihoon eventually has to open his eyes and look at him.

"I love you too."

Jihoon's heart skips a beat, or maybe two, stumbles in his chest. That's not something he was ready to hear, nonetheless to say again, fully conscious this time.

"You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to tell you." Jihoon nods, swallowing. Seungcheol's eyes are warm, and his smile is genuinely happy. _Fucking hell,_ Jihoon thinks. He's in love too.

But he's not ready to admit to it yet, maybe, so he doesn't. His hand traces the path it did seconds ago in Seungcheol's hair, when things were so different. Maybe Seungcheol really wasn't expecting him to say anything, because he closes his eyes with a contented smile, leans into Jihoon's hand. The fact that Jihoon doesn't feel forced to say it back really tells him Seungcheol said it just because he felt it, not expecting anything in return.

Jihoon's heart skips another beat at that knowledge. He feels comfortable. So comfortable.

\---

Jihoon doesn't get to see [the entire house](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8SGvjAcI58) before the party thrown for Seungcheol's inauguration, but just by seeing it from the back, he can tell how grand it is. It's too much. Too much, and Jihoon won't process that now.

He doesn't even get to say anything to Seungcheol since he has to run the event, and he can't go see him right now unless he wants to risk being seen. Wonwoo actually joins him in hiding behind the curtains, where people can't see them, since he says he doesn't want people to know yet either. Jihoon gets it. It's scary, even for him.

"Are you excited?" Wonwoo asks.

Is Jihoon excited?

"How should I even feel?"

"How do you feel?"

"Confused about how I should feel."

"Not excited? Not scared?"

"I think both... And a bit overwhelmed. I... there's a lot of people down there."

Hundreds, hundreds upon hundreds, maybe even a thousand.

"Hmm. Seungcheol has control over 2 provinces and two metropolitan areas, including Seoul, and shares in many businesses. Of course everyone is going to be here."

"But he said there's only the people who know about the family."

"Yes, but also not quite. The Choi family is not only their business, and they are not as secret as their illegal business; they are also a historical family, with many connections. And it's not only people from Korea or people who are part of the business here. There _are_ the heads of the companies abroad there are shares in and people under the main family, but there are also the heads of important Korean companies and families, not only the ones we control, government officials, and so on. Because they all have something to do with him."

Jihoon shivers. All of them... are here for Seungcheol. For his Seungcheol, that woke up this morning with his hair a mess and grumpy before Jihoon kissed him, stubbing his toe when trying to pick Jihoon up in the kitchen. Once again, back to the start. How does he bring those worlds together?

"I remember when Seungcheol's father got re-married. I was 9 back then, I remember most of it. It was _massive._ Huge, and with so many powerful people you could barely breathe from the energy and the kind of oppressive environment. I think more deals got closed then than in an entire year in South Korea."

Jihoon looks at Wonwoo, breathes in to calm down. And then he peeks in the room, and sees Seungcheol on the stairs, looking down at the people in the room... and there is a flash of something, maybe a flash of an image, of an idea, but Jihoon...

Jihoon sees himself next to him.

So he takes the time to look.

Hidden by the lights and the curtains in the ballroom, Jihoon takes the time to look over the sweeping mass of people from above. Over all the immensely wealthy people in immaculate suits and sweeping dresses; over the hanging chandeliers, the most expensive champagne served by waiters with perfect posture, gold walls, and red carpets. At Seungcheol above them all, with his back to Jihoon, looking down at them, knowing that at a snap of his fingers, they’ll all do whatever he says.

So Jihoon looks down at them all too, and realizes that one day, at a snap of his fingers, they’ll all do whatever he says too.

Because he is Seungcheol’s, and Seungcheol is his.

There's never been a feeling that gave Jihoon goosebumps like this, none that made his mind rush like that. It's not because he wants it and he doesn't have it; but because he's almost there, and can't imagine being anywhere else.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Seungcheol starts from the stairs, and everybody turns to him. Jeonghan appears at his side, effortless with a glass of champagne he hands Seungcheol.

It feels like everyone can see Jihoon. He knows they can't, but they all seem to look up towards him.

"Thank you for joining us here tonight. It is an incredible honor to be able to host everybody who came from all corners of the world." He pauses.

"So I have quite the story for everybody here tonight," he chuckles, but it's perfectly executed. Jihoon hasn't been with him too much the past weeks because of concerts and comeback preparations, but he doesn't even want to imagine how much control Seungcheol needs over himself for this, and how much he practiced. "Apparently, the combined net worth of everyone in this room is more than 1 trillion dollars. When you entered the house, if you were asked what is your net worth, that was what it was for."

They gasp, and Seungcheol waits. Jihoon can imagine his confident smile.

"If you weren't asked, it means you were probably considered negligible."

Everybody laughs, and that's when Jihoon figures nobody was actually asked. Making a joke about rich people for their wealth that they're onto, it's not a terrible move. It's not anything they'll ever feel self-conscious about, and it establishes Seungcheol not only as charismatic, but a bit as able to play with them.

"In all seriousness, ladies and gentlemen," Seungcheol's tone switches to serious, imposing, overarching. It gives Jihoon goosebumps, how large Seungcheol seems to be all of a sudden. And Jihoon can't even see his face. "If you are here tonight, it means you are people incredibly dear to us, which we not only trust, but immensely value. If you are here tonight, if you took a step through that ornate door and came into this room, I take that to mean that you have joined me in believing in a better world, one that we create together. Ever since I knew that I would step into this role," he starts, and Jihoon's a bit taken aback. Bringing that up now... is an act of courage. Even Wonwoo huffs behind him.

"Ever since I knew, I thought of what I would say when this moment came, when I would be sitting here, having the honor to celebrate with you. What I would say that would be worth your listen, and that would raise in you some of the same passion I hold in myself for the world around me.

The truth is, it took me almost ten years to come to something I felt was right. When it came to me, I was sitting on the grass on a mountain that overlooked Seoul, letting the night view calm me down after I had messed up many times that day. There was someone else with me, and somehow, the idea of mistakes came up."

Jihoon's eyes widen. No... he isn't.

"Is that you?" Wonwoo asks, but Jihoon can't really answer but slightly nod.

"I told them back then that sometimes, making mistakes does not mean exerting a negative influence on others. I didn't quite believe it then, but isn't it always the case that the advice you give to others is one you never keep? I didn't believe what I said. I believed them more when they told me that making sure we do our best with the influence we have is essential; the fact that we must make no mistakes was implied.

Over time, however, I understood more about mistakes. I understood that I may not always be balanced, and wise, and thoughtful, and correct. And you know why? Because those are the definitions of others of what is balanced, and wise, and thoughtful, and correct, and what another might call a mistake, we might call our truth. So I understood that at its core, humanity does not mean perfection, the absence of mistakes: it means that I take what is inside me, mistakes or not, and carry it with me to the decisions I make to the world. It would be foolish to deny a part of yourself that will be there no matter what you do; control and being right in the eyes of others is not always fun, it is not always right, and more importantly, it will drive you to make incomplete decisions. Change is essential, and yet, when we change, we must keep on to our morals, our ideals, and the core of what is us; change how you react to things, change how you see others, change what you want to do in the world, but don't change who you are.

The reason I am telling this to you is that I have not yet internalized this knowledge. I do not believe anyone has, especially not when the weight on our shoulders requires ultimate perfection, when so much is at stake. I am sure that if you stop to think about what you do, you will agree with me.

The reason I am telling this to you is not, however, to trivialize mistakes or to strive for them, to accept them either. The reason I am telling you all this is for you to reach inside yourself, and pull out the parts you may have consciously or unconsciously buried to not make mistakes, and let them out to form your humanity. Because you are not only responsible to yourself to do so, but to the world at large. We are. We must let our wealth, our influence, our knowledge, our wisdom, complement our humanity so that we can go out there and fight for the ones which need to be fought for, and make those decisions with a full and complete us. Otherwise, we risk making the wrong ones under an incomplete frame of mind, thinking we are wise and controlled and ultimately perfect. Those decisions are not only ours, remember; they are decisions which make or break the world around us.

The reason I am telling you this is that it might be that the 1 trillion dollars mark is maybe not too off from reality tonight. Disregarding the perhaps faulty numbers behind this, the United Nations calculated that the cost to ending world hunger for a year is 30 billion dollars. That is more than 30 years only the people in this room could end poverty. That is one statistic, and we are not even the richest," he chuckles, but everybody seems too shocked to truly laugh with him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you walked into this room tonight, it means you have joined me in believing for a better world, one that we create together. I hope that when you walk out of this room tonight, you look back and think of the mistakes you made; think of which were a part of you and which were not, which were born out of hate, jealousy, misjudgment, and which were born out of others' hate for your truth and you being convinced to internalize that knowledge. You are not too young or too old, too powerful to consider that. Think of how you can accept yourself and change for the better at the same time, think of what it means to be a complete human. The ability to reflect and change is the most important thing we have, but we need to see our mistakes first to see what we need to change.

Once you have found an answer for yourself and who you are, I hope you take that humanity to others who do not yet know what it is, and empower them to accept themselves and empower others. It is never too late, and certainly never too early, ladies and gentlemen. I raise my glass to you, and to the incredible future we will build together."

He raises his glass of champagne, and everybody does the same, claps like in a trance after they all take a sip.

Jihoon is crying. He didn't realize it, but his eyes are teary.

He doesn't know what he thinks; what can he think, besides reflect on himself? On how he got here, on what mistakes he made that might have been his truth and for which he blamed himself all along, and which not.

He doesn't have too much time to think though, before someone pulls at him and he turns around, immediately being hugged so tight he can barely breathe. His arms wrap around Seungcheol and his head buries in his neck, hugging him as tight, pouring everything he's feeling into him.

"Oh god," he hears Seungcheol whisper in his hair. Jihoon doesn't let go. _"Oh god."_

"Who are you?" Jihoon asks when they disentangle, Seungcheol's hands still around him. It's maybe a joke, and maybe not.

"Did you like it? Did it work?" He asks, but it's not like he knows it and is teasing. He's actually asking, insecurity in his eyes.

"Are you doubting it?"

"I... I didn't know if it was too much or... I wanted to make them feel young, not boring and old, but I don't know if it was trivial, or..."

"Stop. Seriously, stop. It was great. I think it made an important point."

"Oh. Okay. I'm so glad."

Jihoon smiles at him. Looking at him out there, Jihoon realized he has a lot to think about, but there's maybe one thing he knows: that Seungcheol out there, that Seungcheol is his Seungcheol too. And by extension, there is one Jihoon too; the Jihoon in Seventeen is the same Jihoon that is here, in a fancy suit and with Seungcheol's arms around him.

\---

"Are you sure you want to do this? Not too late to back out,” Seungcheol whispers to him, his hands gripping Jihoon’s waist. He’s nervous.

When seeing Seungcheol up there, after hearing him talk... Jihoon felt like right before going on stage. Nervous, but the kind of nervous that drives you, rushes the blood in your veins and leads you to take that step in the spotlight. After seeing him there, thinking of how it would be to be next to him... his mind was made.

“Never. I want to do this. Are _you_ sure?”

“Yeah,” he whispers, but his voice is cracking and the deep breath he takes in is staccato, almost to the quick beats of Jihoon’s heart.

“Are you sure you are sure?”

“Yes,” he says, and stops, swallows. “Yes.”

And this time, Seungcheol finds the conviction in his voice. Jihoon puts his hands on the sides of his neck, and looks into his eyes.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Seungcheol says, his eyebrows furrowing like he wants to cry, before his lips turn up. It's not a smile and not a grimace, it's somewhere in between. It's vulnerability. But even if he shows it to Jihoon, he can't show it to them.

Jihoon kisses him, a long peck on the lips, breathing through his nose, telling Seungcheol to breathe with him. When he pulls back, Seungcheol steels himself, looks different. His Seungcheol is gone, but this time, compared to many times before, Jihoon can see him, hidden only in the depths of his eyes, where maybe _only_ Jihoon can see him.

He puts his hand out for Jihoon to take, like he was taught, and Jihoon pushes back everything, all the nervousness, all the panic, all the questions, and follows him into the room.

Nobody gasps when they enter, but Jihoon feels the stab of dozens of steel gazes on him. He immediately looks for Seungcheol’s father and recognizes him in an instant, except he’s not looking at Jihoon. He’s looking at Seungcheol, who takes a deep breath, almost imperceptibly.

“Thank you all for being here tonight. I asked you all here, even if it is not customary, as I have something to share with you," he says, turns to the man Jihoon assumes is his father. "In one of our conversations, you told me that you regret me not having anyone next to me while I take this on. I am here to tell you now that I do.”

Now Jihoon can hear gasps, but they’re almost far away. They waited for the confirmation, and now they have it.

“I would like you all to meet my partner: Lee Jihoon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ba dum tss*
> 
> This is the first time Seventeen is all together, I miss writing them as a group so much. :( But there will be more of that coming soon! (Also don't worry, not everything is going to be nice in the future. ;) )
> 
> [Seungcheol's (and Jihoon's) card](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt107IoY9AQ) is the American Express Centurion card, probably the most exclusive, if not the most, exclusive card in the world. Watch the video, it's fun to hear about it! The estate is just an animation, it doesn't actually exist, but I find it quite awesome, so I hope you liked that too.
> 
> Thank you for reading and I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts! <3


	4. 숙여

Jihoon bows 90 degrees, moves his eyes through the crowd and yet making eye-contact with nobody, as he is used to, to take everyone in.

“It is an honor to meet you.” He stands up straight, his tone flat. He hasn't gone through high-intensity moments all of his life to not be able to deal with something like this.

Nobody says anything. Jihoon didn’t expect them to.

“Office. Right now,” Seungcheol’s father says, not sparing Jihoon one glance. Like he doesn’t exist.

He gets up and leaves the room, some people out of the dozens following, and Jihoon cannot even react. He more feels than sees Seungcheol slightly squeeze his arm and whisper to him.

“Wait for a little bit,” he says in a rush and walks out. Jihoon feels somebody else squeeze his shoulder, and when he turns, it’s Jeonghan, who follows Seungcheol. At least he will have somebody in there, Jihoon thinks.

"Let's go," he hears Jisoo next to him, feels him grab his elbow. "Let's get some air."

"Is that a good idea? I don't wanna leave if..."

"If we don't go, you'll get eaten alive. Let's go.

\---

"Seungcheol-ah, you're making a _huge_ mistake here," his uncle says to him when the office door is closed. Seungcheol looks around, at his father and his step-mother, his uncle, Jeonghan's mother, Jeonghan who he keeps his eyes on for one second longer and who nods in encouragement. Barely there, but Seungcheol moves his eyes to his father.

He's making a huge mistake. Funnily enough, that's what his father was told when he decided to marry a prostitute. What he was told too when he decided to keep her brother around after her death. And yet he's standing in front of him. Because his father decided he didn't care about what he was told.

"Hmm. Do you think so?" He asks, sitting in the office chair behind the desk, crossing his legs and leaning back. He won't take their shit, and he wants to make sure he looks like it too.

"This is absurd, child. This is a joke," his father throws, his tone icy. Seungcheol breathes in to stay calm.

"You told me I have the power now and I can convince them it's the right thing."

"It is not the right thing. I think you are forgetting who you are, Seungcheol. And the amount of responsibility that is now on your shoulders," his father throws, leaning forward on the desk, his palms flat on it. Seungcheol looks at him again, at his uncle to his right, at Jeonghan on the arm of the armchair his mother is sitting in. At his step-mother to the left of his father. Takes in their expressions, their mix of shock and disappointment, anger and hate for this.

"What if it is? What if he is absolutely the best person to help me lead this?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Seungcheol. There are millions of women out there who are better than a _boy_ who barely looks like he can drink, for God's sake. You can't. You simply can't do this."

"You married a prostitute, didn't you?" He throws at his father, leaning on his desk and crossing his arms. He can't stand that judgment coming from him.

"She was a _woman._ Who could bear me _children._ That you need to have. Or you forgot?"

"I can have children from someone else."

"Is he going to raise them then? Is he going to throw all the parties? Know all the gossip? Threaten the women and hold an iron grip over the family?" His uncle bellows, way too loud. Seungcheol doesn't flinch.

"I think it's time those stereotypes are gone," Seungcheol throws.

"Also aren't you a bit of a hypocrite, Seungcheol? Taking those photos of your brother with that whore he had for you to bring your own whore here?" His step-mother intervenes, her tone mocking.

Seungcheol grits his teeth, glares at her. He hates that woman. Hates her with a burning passion. Soon. Soon.

"You and I both know those stereotypes are there for a reason, Seungcheol," his father says, his voice calm all of a sudden, cold. "All those years ago, when I sent your brother away and put you up there, it was for a reason. Or did you forget? Don't make me regret it."

"Then bring him back," Seungcheol drawls, holds his father's stare, leans forward. "Bring him back, if you regret it. But you and I both know that is the _worst_  mistake you could _ever_ make."

His father stares back at him. Unfortunately for them, Seungcheol is the head now. And he won't be trampled on.

"Wake up, child. If this is you spiting me, then what is it? What do you need to realize what a huge mistake you're making?"

"If it's a mistake, it's my mistake, and I will be the one to fix it when I decide it is. But until then..."

"Fine, Seungcheol. But you are not going to fall back onto me when it comes back to bite you in the ass," his father says and leaves, his uncle following with a glance at Seungcheol. His step-mother leaves too, but Jeonghan's mother waits until they're gone.

"Think once more about this, and then once more. And then ten times more. And if you still think it's the right decision, then it's your right decision. But you better be prepared to defend it. You and him both," she says and closes the door, leaving only Seungcheol and Jeonghan in the office.

"They're right, you know?" Jeonghan says from where he's been perched on the armchair, arms crossed on his chest. "It's probably the wrong decision and you could do much better. But in my opinion, it's still one worth making."

Seungcheol looks at him.

"Is it worth making? Even if I fail?"

Jeonghan lifts up a corner of his mouth, huffs.

"You won't fail. I won't let you fail, nobody will let you fail, Jihoon won't let you fail. Teach him and then let him charm them; Jisoo and I will help him with that too. The secrecy, his personality, the uniqueness of it... he'll manage, he's more than capable of not letting himself be stepped over. Also, just seeing him at your side when the time comes, just think about it. It's going to be so much more powerful than having a woman next to you, I can see it. Trust me, they'll fall eventually. You just need to be able to defend it, like mom said."

\---

Jihoon follows Jisoo outside, sits down on one of the chairs hidden in the dark when Jisoo does the same. The fire is the only thing keeping them warm.

"Are you okay? It's not easy hearing all that."

"Yeah, I'm okay," Jihoon answers, looking up at the sky. The mansion's far enough from the city that you can see stars. "Will his father give him trouble?"

"Maybe. We'll see," Jisoo answers, looking at him. "I know how you feel. I've been exactly there."

"What do I do, hyung? Is it because I'm an idol that they don't approve? Or that I'm not the child of a powerful businessman? If I wasn't, would that change anything?"

"They don't care about that. They don't need alliances with other powerful people, and Seungcheol's mother was an escort. They just care that you're a man."

Jihoon turns his eyes to him.

"Did Seungcheol ever tell you about his older brother?"

"Yes. He told me the story."

"So then you know why it happened. This country is homophobic, Jihoon-ah, but these people are not homophobic just for the sake of it, or at least his father is not," Jisoo explains. "You can't get married in Korea; if you do get married, like Jeonghan and I, you will have to do it in the US. You can't give him children, which is the single most important thing that has kept this family going for so long. You won't be able to raise them as yours if he has children with someone else; in their view, you will never be seen as a legitimate consort when you're taken to events, you won't be friends with the wives, you won't throw those events in the main house. Sooner or later, this will also have to go public, which will also be an issue since you're a celebrity.

When Jeonghan announced he was marrying me, there was an uproar, because he will be the second in command after Seungcheol. You can only _imagine_ what the reaction is to Seungcheol, who is the head. He will be for at least the next 30 years or so. But when he is not anymore... if he doesn't have children, there will be a power vacuum, and it's very likely that everything will crumble. If they're not legitimate children that come from his marriage, it's almost as hard. Seungcheol's father married his mother as soon as she heard she was pregnant with Seungcheol's older brother despite the opposition because he needed the children to be legitimate, you see."

Jisoo stops, slowly blinks at him. A shiver goes through Jihoon, and it's not only the chill in the air.

"Seungcheol has made and is making a huge sacrifice for you, and will protect you to hell and back no matter what, because of what happened to his mother, and because he cares about you more than he's ever cared for anyone. But Jihoon, I'll be frank with you. You have a choice here; Seungcheol will not ask it from you and he will not make you choose one thing or the other. But you do. You can leave, and you'll make not only yours, but Seungcheol's life much easier. Or you can stay, and understand that there might be sacrifices you have to make for him, and that your life will never be normal.

A lot of people will tell you that if you love him and want the best for him, you'll leave. And they are right, but I was told the same thing and chose to stay. It's up to you."

Jihoon's head drops in his hands. It's a lot to know and to think about, and it feels like he might even have to rethink talking to Seungcheol about it.

“Why did you stay? If it's better for you and for him to leave, why did you stay?”

“Because I did think about the fact I was told that leaving would be best not only for me, but for him too. What did that mean? When they said it’s best for him, they meant best for him as the second in command in the family, as a representative of his family. Not best for Jeonghan as a person. Me leaving would have made him feel terrible.

You see, Jihoon, I do help out with the company in strategy sometimes, and I am involved in it, quite a lot actually. But that is not my main duty. My main duty is to make Jeonghan happy, and to let him make me happy. You have to understand that early on, that Seungcheol will have to think about what’s good for the company, and will forget about what is good for himself. You need to be that balance, the one to see the larger scheme of things, that if he is not doing well, nothing is actually doing well despite how he thinks that. The people at the head, they need to be alive and healthy for the empire to be well. They don’t realize that, but we have to. And that’s why I stayed; because I thought of what’s good for Jeonghan as a person, not Jeonghan as the head of his family and all the people he is responsible for. Those people in there, they don't think about that, that's why they say it's good for him for you to leave; their interest is in having you leave so he can marry someone that's good for the company.

I’m not trying to sway you into staying, Jihoon, but this is something you should understand if you choose to stay. The company and its wellbeing is your duty and your friend only through supporting Seungcheol and the people he trusts: Jeonghan, me, a few others. Those people in there, they are your enemies even if they work for the company and for Seungcheol, and you have to care for them in as much as you sway, manipulate, keep control of them at all times to help him. Their wellbeing is not your problem, and this,” he points to the house, “their opinions about you are just the beginning of the things you have to work to change and fight so you can ensure Seungcheol does his best. If you stay, your work is not to placate them and listen to them, but to manipulate them into agreeing with your opinions. You, as the partner of the leader, have to ensure that they are well aware of their role in the family besides the company, and that you are friends in as much as they are forced to be loyal; if they are loyal, then they have it all. That is your work, and trust me, that is as important for the empire as Seungcheol's work is.

And you can't do that if you let them sway you from the beginning or put thoughts in your head. You are important even if they oppose you and before anything you learn, you need to know that the only opinions who are valid are yours, Seungcheol's, and maybe those of the people who he trusts but not even all of those sometimes. _They_ don't see you as valid, but you are, way more than they know. So why would I listen to them when we're not even talking about the same thing? That's why I stayed.”

Jihoon's mouth opens a little in shock at Jisoo's words. That's a lot to take in, but... he gets it. He's thought about that, about the roles Seungcheol's partner must have after the scene in his living room back then. Jisoo putting them out in front of him like this... he's somehow scared at the magnitude of it, but does he want to leave? It feels like he's already involved, that he's already assumed all of this.

"If I stay... Will you help me?" Jihoon looks at Jisoo, judges the look in his eyes.

"If Jeonghan is here to help Seungcheol, I'm here to help you. Especially since you're an idol... none of us expects you to do the kind of work previous people in your position have done yet. So I can help you with that."

"Thank you. I have a lot of thinking to do, it seems," he tells Jisoo, who smiles at him in understanding. When he met Jisoo for the first time, he thought him rather unassuming, kind and sweet, a gentle presence. He later realized that there would have to be a certain type of person who could manage Jeonghan and make his way into the empire, gain approval like Jisoo has despite being a man. He's the one person Jihoon completely misjudged and underestimated, and tonight was just one more confirmation.

The back door opens then, and like they were waiting, Seungcheol and Jeonghan walk to them. Jeonghan drops in Jisoo's lap, who huffs but puts his hands around him, and Jihoon feels a hand on his shoulder.

"Everything okay?" Seungcheol asks, his gaze inquisitive.

"Can we talk tonight?" Jihoon asks in turn, looking up at him.

"Of course. Can you stay over?"

"Yeah. I have a meeting in the morning though."

"It's okay, I'll drive you," Seungcheol smiles, squeezing his shoulder and turning to Jeonghan and Jisoo.

"Thank you," he tells them, and they both smile.

"Of course. Let's chat later. Bye, Jihoon-ah," Jeonghan chirps like everything is alright, and pulls Jisoo up. They leave through the back door and Seungcheol is left with Jihoon.

"I'm sorry," he starts, crouching down at the side of Jihoon's chair, and Jihoon puts a hand on his resting on the arm.

"Don't be. Not your fault. I just... I just think I need some help and some answers."

"Of course. I'm sorry I wasn't too forward with you, I thought that maybe the reaction wouldn't be like this. I hoped, but... I overestimated them."

"It's okay. I don't blame you. Let's talk."

"Okay," Seungcheol smiles, but it's a bit empty. He seems exhausted, rests his head on Jihoon's shoulder, a soft sigh escaping him. Jihoon gives him this moment of silence and takes it for himself too.

\---

He says fuck it to the not talking to Seungcheol part. He knew he was not going to be able to hold it in anyway, and this is not a decision anyway. He's made his decision a long time ago.

"Can we get food first? I was so nervous all the food made my stomach turn earlier," Seungcheol says, dropping his suit blazer on the couch, unbuttoning his shirt. Jihoon doesn't because it was so expensive he doesn't want to ruin it. He nods though.

"Do you want to change?"

"I don't know if I have clean clothes here anymore."

"It was laundry day today so they should've washed your clothes, but take some of mine anyway."

Jihoon nods and goes to the bedroom, finds a hanger to neatly put his suit on, and steals a shirt and pants from Seungcheol's closet, rolls them up. He takes one more shirt and a pair of pants, brings them with him.

When he joins him in the kitchen, Seungcheol's in his barely unbuttoned shirt and suit pants, sitting on one of the stools at the kitchen island with his phone in his hand. Jihoon walks to him, takes the edge of his shirt between two fingers, unbuttons one more button, and then one more, and one more, until Seungcheol's shirt is completely unbuttoned and hanging off of his shoulders. That's when he finishes ordering and locks his phone, putting it on the kitchen island.

Jihoon slowly takes off his cufflinks from the sleeves of the shirt, puts them on the table and then drops the shirt from his shoulders, Seungcheol taking his arms out. Jihoon's hand goes to his right shoulder automatically, tracing the design.

He's noticed the new tattoo this morning but didn't want to ask about it before. Seungcheol hasn't told him much about the artwork adorning his body besides the flowers on his side, and Jihoon doesn't want to prod unless he wants to tell him. But this... this feels different.

"They're daffodils," Seungcheol explains, probably knowing Jihoon's wondering what it is. The linework is fine and subtle, the two pairs small on his shoulder. There's one pair standing straight, and one slightly tilted to the left, which looks to have two joined flowers of the same size. In the pair in the center, the one standing upright, there's a larger flower, joined with another one, one that's almost undetectably smaller. In the pairs, the two stems are connected, interlocked, with which stem belongs to whom a bit confusing to trace, and the two pairs cross each other at the bottom of the stems. The ink work is small, the watercolor feeling way more delicate than the bold strokes of the long flowers on Seungcheol's right side, as well as the artwork on his left.

"They have many meanings, but one is new beginnings. Not one flower though. One foretells misfortune, but more or a bunch can mean joy and happiness." Jihoon reaches out a hand to touch them, running his fingers over the pair in the center, from the larger one on the right to the smaller one on the left. Jihoon gets it. _He gets it._

"Maybe when I was alone... It only brought me misfortune."

Jihoon's eyes raise to his, his hands resting on his shoulders. Seungcheol puts a hand on his cheek, gentle, barely there, and Jihoon closes his eyes and hugs him, Seungcheol making room for him between his legs, his head burying between Jihoon's neck and shoulder. His arms wrap around Jihoon's back, hugging him close, and Jihoon feels like he's home. Even if he's not welcome anywhere but here.

He'll fight for it.

"If you had to choose... what would you choose?" He asks, tilting his head up so that his cheek is on the side of Seungcheol's head.

"Choose what?" He murmurs.

"Between me and your position."

Seungcheol pulls back, his eyebrows raised in a question.

"That will never have to happen."

"I get it. But hypothetically... if they make you. What would you choose?"

Seungcheol blinks, looks at Jihoon, who stays silent.

"You want me to be honest?

"Yeah."

"Right now? I'd choose you."

Jihoon's eyes widen. He can't mean it.

"I'd choose you, because I know you'd help me fight for it. And even if it wasn't possible, I'd still choose you."

"Why?"

"If they make me leave because of you, then even if I leave you, nothing will change; I will be the same. My position is my fate, but if I am not accepted somewhere, I will gladly go somewhere else. A lot of things can be temporary, but I want the good things next to me and inside me not to be. I trust you, and I know that wherever I'll be, if I'm with you, I'm probably in the best place I could be, and living my truth."

Jihoon blinks. He didn't... he didn't expect that. He expected an entirely different answer, maybe none at all.

Seungcheol's insane, for sure. Jihoon would never be able to say that, would never be able to give his life up for someone else, he knows. Instinctually, the idea of giving things up for someone raises red flags for him, no matter how different he sees it, but... Seungcheol just said it.

And he believes it too, he can tell. He would do it too, isn't saying it just because he believes it now. What he's only started to learn about Seungcheol is ultimately how spontaneous, how without regrets he lives his life. How easy for him it is to say what he feels for Jihoon while keeping his cards completely hidden for others who he needs to show a different facet of his personality to. How flexible he is, how confident in himself that he knows that wherever he goes, he'll build an empire. It's crazy, built from that kind of confidence where you know who you are, and you know the world is at your feet. Jihoon is maybe the exact opposite.

"What? You didn't expect me to say that?"

"Maybe," Jihoon blinks.

"Don't think about it. Nobody will force me out. They can't," he grabs Jihoon's hips, pulls him towards him and tilts his head up to kiss him. "This is ours now."

Ours. Jihoon still doesn't feel like it's here yet, that he's a part of this. He knows it, and he felt it today, that he's next to Seungcheol, but he hasn't _processed it_ yet.

"Let's talk until the food comes?"

Jihoon nods, follows him to the couch. When thinking about today, however... he feels a bit angry, unhappy. Because he was so off his game since he didn't know what to expect, and he couldn't do anything properly.

"I just..." he starts. "I know you said you didn't anticipate their reaction, but... You still didn't tell me much about your family. And I wish you did."

"I know. I'm sorry," he nods, and Jihoon purses his lips.

“You’re not shielding me from anything, you know that? I know you want to, but stop that because it’s not helping me nor you. You need to trust me more. I am here, and I know you want to protect me, but you shouldn't.”

“I know, but...”

“No buts. You told me how heavy it is to be in this position but even now that I told you I’m here for you, you refuse to let me in. I need to know everything so I’m never blindsided, and I need you to tell me everything that comes up. Are we clear?” Jihoon asks, his tone more assertive, trying to get it in Seungcheol's head.

“Yeah,” Seungcheol looks at him and smiles, a small smile that's almost surprised by Jihoon.

“I really want to help you. And not only with the company, but you. You have to tell me how you are.” Even if he wears his heart on his sleeve and is always willing to tell Jihoon how much he means to him, it doesn't mean that what he shows are his weaknesses and emotions. Because he doesn't think he has those weaknesses or emotions, Jihoon suspects, and doesn't know how to express them.

Love is not everything about them, and there are other emotions besides love that they feel. Seungcheol, even though open and loud with who he is, has always learned to be independent and in control of his emotions and while Jihoon doesn’t blame him, it won’t work. It’s hard for Jihoon to try to open up himself, and there can’t be two emotionally constipated people in a relationship.

“I know,” Seungcheol nods. “I know, baby. I trust you and I’ll tell you everything. I’m sorry.”

"Okay. And I'll make a point of it. For you to tell me about everyone and everything and how this all runs. I can't just do things without knowing."

"Okay. Want to start now? The food is almost here."

"Sure. You can tell me about the people who were there tonight while we eat."

They sit down with their plates, digging into the food, and Seungcheol looks at Jihoon.

"So... I guess the first person you need to know is my father. He took over when he was actually almost 40. My brother and I were late babies, actually. He is..." Seungcheol looks to his left, hums to show he's thinking. "He's very powerful. The classic type of the chairman of a company, I think. Maybe a bit calmer but... during his time, there was a lot of expansion, and a lot of alliances made and lost. He's willing to be open-minded, but only when it's on his own terms, you know? It will take a lot to convince him, but it's okay."

"Why are you taking over that early then? He's not that old."

"He's not, but... he has a heart condition. Has already had a stroke, and you never know when the second one could come and could be fatal. So... we needed the transition to happen quickly."

"Oh..." Jihoon nods. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Next... his wife. My step-mother, I guess. She is from a powerful business owner family from Daegu, and they wanted to ally with us because they wanted to set base in Seoul. She married him after my mother died; he doesn't quite love her, but they've worked well together. But as you know..."

"You're not going to want her around."

"No. Not at all," he huffs. "I can't wait to see her gone. I've never liked her, and she never liked me either. She knows her time is coming despite what she did to my mother or not. She also has a son from a previous marriage who is younger than me, and who has always tried to get higher in the company. My father tolerates him, but he doesn't necessarily like him, thinks he's a spoiled brat. He's a bit shrewd actually, my father underestimates him. I don't, so I know it'll take a while for him to disappear.

Next, my father's two main advisors were Wonwoo's father, and then my mother's brother, who in reality used my mother's connection to the family to become the owner and manager of a lot of real estate in Seoul. He's very smart, very powerful too, very similar to my father. Maybe a bit quieter, more secretive; he's never quite lost that capacity to move stealthily that you gain when doing something like advancing in a family based on relations. We're close, but not quite."

Jihoon nods, finishes his food and sets his plate aside.

"Then you have Jeonghan's parents. You should actually talk to Jeonghan's father, if you can; he's very kind, very nice. He is actually the partner I guess, since Jeonghan's mother is running the business with my father."

"How come?"

"Jeonghan's grandmother only had daughters. But even if she had sons... I don't think anybody could've stopped Jeonghan's mother," he chuckles.

"Really? People just approved?"

"Yes. She is... a woman and a half. You'll see, but... she is the one person I am genuinely afraid of, and not because she's obviously harsh. She's not unnecessarily so, but she gives off such an aura of power. Nobody messed with her, but if they did, they didn't come out unscathed, and it happened in the most dignified manner."

"You sound like you respect her a lot," Jihoon picks up from his tone.

"I do. My... relationship with my mother was great, but when she died, things started being complicated in my family. My step-mother and I don't like each other much, as I just said and you know why," his face darkens. "But I've had other people who took care of me like I was their son. Jeonghan's mother and her husband, Wonwoo's parents, my uncle more or less... And they taught me a lot about life and respect and love and power. So I do. I do respect them a lot, even if I don't agree with them. I know that when it comes down to it, they raised me, and when I truly need them, they will be there for me, no matter if they approve or not."

That's interesting. There's way more loyalty in Seungcheol's family than he would've thought at this level. He doesn't know if he believes in it necessarily though; he'll have to see it for himself before he chooses who he trusts.

"I'll want to talk to them, maybe. When I learn a bit more about the structure of the family."

"Really?" Seungcheol lifts his eyebrows. "You would?"

"Why would you think I wouldn't? I don't think hiding gains me respect or approval. And I'm ready to deal with them."

"Oh. Okay."

"You seem surprised?"

"No, I'm not surprised."

Jihoon's expression says 'are you fucking with me,' he's sure.

"Okay, maybe I'm a bit surprised. I... I don't know. I didn't know if you'd want to deal with them."

Jihoon rolls his eyes.

"Listen. I don't want to say this once more." He goes to Seungcheol, takes his face in his hands from where he's standing in front of him. "Didn't you tell me not to underestimate myself? You should not underestimate me either. I'm with you. I'm here, and I'm ready to do everything I need to do. I can't only be your partner when it's easy, and I don't want to be. Start trusting me, because I know what being here entails and I'm not hesitating."

"Okay," Seungcheol lightly grabs his wrists, holds on to Jihoon. "Okay. Let's do it."

\---

When he wakes up, Seungcheol is awake, blinking at him.

"What time is it?"

"A bit before 7. When's your meeting?"

"10," Jihoon answers and turns on his back, stretching his arms above his head, and turning back on his side to face Seungcheol.

Seungcheol kisses him, a barely-there peck of his lips, and one more, and one more, until Jihoon closes his eyes and presses his lips more on his.

There's no rush and no end goal. Seungcheol takes his bottom lip between his, and Jihoon glides his lips on Seungcheol's, puts a hand on his arm. Their noses press together quite uncomfortably, before Jihoon tilts his head, licks over Seungcheol's lip and lets his tongue tangle with his.

They kiss for what feels like hours, Seungcheol letting him lead and explore, Jihoon ignoring the fact that he has to go to the bathroom and his breath probably smells bad and god knows what. He doesn't think about that, doesn't think about anything in reality, just how relaxed he feels with Seungcheol's lips on his.

When they separate, Seungcheol kisses his temple and rests his chin on top of his head, Jihoon wiggling for Seungcheol to hug him to his chest.

"I have to go soon."

"I know. Wanna work out and have breakfast?"

Jihoon hums in approval, the vibrations traveling through Seungcheol's neck and making him chuckle. He doesn't move though. He doesn't need to leave _that_ soon.

"I have to travel a lot soon, to meet the presidents and important firms I'm on the board of. For a couple of weeks, maybe a month."

"It's okay. We have a comeback in almost three weeks, so I'll be busy too."

"Okay. Ideally, you'd come with me, but even if you had time..."

"Nope. As less public as possible, for now."

"I know," Seungcheol admits, stretches and hums. "Let's get up?"

Jihoon nods and gets up, follows Seungcheol to change and go to the gym.

\---

Seungcheol hears two knocks on the door of his office. Why would Wonwoo knock, he doesn't know.

But he does, comes in, sits on the chair across from Seungcheol's desk. Seungcheol locks his computer and looks at him.

"You wanted to talk?" Wonwoo asks.

"Yeah, before Jeonghan and I leave to meet with people. How's it going? When are you quitting?" He asks, leaning back in his chair.

"I put my resignation letter in today. I have 30 days left."

"Oh," Seungcheol exclaims. "I'm glad."

Wonwoo nods, some of the militarism embedded deep inside him showing. Seungcheol doesn't get how he can be so emotional and so closed off at the same time. It's a mystery for him.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"I wanted to talk to you about that night."

Wonwoo's eyes darken, narrow at Seungcheol.

"I've been going insane over this. Can I tell you about it?"

Wonwoo nods again, despite the fact it must hurt. Seungcheol really needs to tell him though.

"We went on a mission to talk to a CEO a bit further south, in Chuncheon. I wanted to take people with me cause it was not in our territory. And the day of, I noticed my security personnel got shifted. It's not an uncommon thing, some people can't make it anymore, or whatever, so I clearly didn't give too much thought to it. But then we got there, and it was an ambush, and you know..." He stops. Wonwoo's jaw tenses.

"The thing is... Your father was not in my original security. I look at my security well in advance of a mission, and then on the day. The day of, my security got switched to him and some other people. And considering it was an ambush..."

"What are you saying?" He demands in a low, calm tone.

"I'm saying I think your father worked with my step-mother for a really long time. Longer than 20 years ago. Up until that night."

Wonwoo breathes in, grits his teeth.

"So then what?"

"I don't know. Maybe it was a fluke, and I'm wrong."

"Or maybe what?"

"Or maybe they planned to kill me," he throws. "And then your father felt guilty, and sacrificed himself so I would live."

Wonwoo pauses.

"Why do you think so?"

"Because it was in Chuncheon."

"You're saying he was a traitor."

"I won't pretend that's not what I'm saying. But it also doesn't matter now; I still think well of him and he saved my life. But... that means she's planning something, or wanted to plan something and then he got in her way."

"Hmm."

"When I come back... They all need to disappear. All her family, and everyone involved; I won't rule over a family I don't trust, one that will wait for my smallest mistake to destroy me. And I'll need your help."

"I'll be back here, you know I'll help you. Plus... I want her dead as much as you do."

"Good. That's what I was hoping to hear."

\---

Being in his studio now is different. Something is different. Maybe it's because he's been on tour for so long, maybe it's because he's been with Seungcheol, working from his house when he had a little bit of time, switching between his dorm and his house constantly.

But now Seungcheol's gone, probably in New York now, and Jihoon has to get to work. It's so late for them not to have all their recordings done. So he sits in his chair, two hours before the members are supposed to come record for like ten hours, and gets to work.

No distractions. Just what he has to do, what he's only ever needed, music and himself.

\---

"I gotta leave early in the morning though for practice," Jihoon whispers to him while Seungcheol's too busy taking all of his clothes off and stumbling to the bedroom. It's not like Jihoon's fared any better, since he almost ripped Seungcheol's shirt off. Not like Seungcheol would complain.

"That's fine. I'll take you," he whispers, placing hot kisses down Jihoon's jaw, finally wiggling him out of his shirt and pushing him down to the bed. The look in his eyes is so intense, exactly like when they took a step in his house and Jihoon immediately pounced on him.

They haven't seen each other in almost a week and a half, and since Seungcheol is going back the day after for his trips, they plan to make the most of it. In different ways.

Jihoon hums in disapproval when Seungcheol bites at his collarbone. "No marks. Comeback soon."

When he pulls away and looks down at him though, he figures that fucking Jihoon would probably not be best for him, especially if he has practice. But he would protest if Seungcheol says it, saying he doesn't have to coddle him, so he gets another idea, waits for the mood to be less heated so he can ask it.

"Do you trust me?" He asks him, sees Jihoon roll his eyes.

"What do you want to do?"

Seungcheol grins, gets up from where he was straddling Jihoon to go to his closet, to that shelf. When he pulls out a vibrating plug and shakes it, showing it to Jihoon, seeing him rolls his eyes again.

"Bring it here."

Seungcheol does, picks up something else and drops on the bed, the mattress bouncing. He tries to take off Jihoon's underwear with his teeth, which fails spectacularly and makes them both laugh, before Jihoon helps him and spreads his thighs for Seungcheol to kneel between them. Seungcheol thinks it's definitely one of his favorite places to be.

Jihoon is so sensitive, twitching at every move of Seungcheol's fingers inside him. He's clearly strung up, and Seungcheol wonders if he did get himself off, if he had time or the privacy to. If he thought about him or not. But before he gets to ask, Jihoon begs him to _do something,_ and Seungcheol obliges, slipping the plug inside him.

Seungcheol drops on his side, putting his mouth on Jihoon's nipples, tugging at them for minutes on end, until Jihoon is wriggling in his hand and grinding on the bed. He finds the remote, turning the plug on, and Jihoon's back immediately arches with a high moan, almost pained. He must be _so strung up_ even that little stimulation got to him.

"You okay?"

“Yeah. Just turn it down a little bit.”

Seungcheol obliges, turns the plug down to its lowest setting, watches Jihoon settle into the pillow, looking calm, his eyes boring into Seungcheol's. Seungcheol drops to his side, faced towards him, runs a hand over his stomach, his chest, his neck, just to comfort him.

When Jihoon starts grinding in little circles on the bed, his abs tightening and letting go like he’s tightening around the toy inside him, Seungcheol takes the other thing he got from the closet, a little vibrator, and turns it on, drags it up his thigh, on his navel, and down his other thigh before he lightly touches it to his cock, seeing Jihoon twitch.

“Oh,” he exclaims and turns into it, Seungcheol seeing a little bit of precome sliding down his cock. He drags the vibrator over him slowly, watching him react, his closed eyes furrowing like he’s going to cry from the stimulation.

When Seungcheol drags it over the top of his cock, teasing his slit with it, Jihoon curls in on himself, his abs tightening and his mouth opening with a soft gasp and little _ahs_. Seungcheol keeps it there, teases him with it, hearing Jihoon whine.

“Too much, too much. It hurts. It hurts.”

Seungcheol moves away, knowing he’s touched Jihoon where he might be too sensitive for now. When he gets the vibrator away from him, he sees him relax, tighten around the toy inside him.

“Should I turn it down?”

“No, keep going. It’s okay. I don’t mind if it hurts. Just not too much.”

So Seungcheol takes the little remote and turns the plug back up to its second setting, and Jihoon immediately moans and twitches before Seungcheol even puts the vibrator on him.

When he does, he starts from his balls, slowly drags it over the bottom of his cock and up, getting Jihoon used to the feeling again.

It doesn’t mean that he gets used to it completely; when Seungcheol reaches the tip of his cock with it, he shudders quite strongly, spasms with the intense pleasure, biting his lip in his mouth and furrowing his eyebrows. His shudders don’t stop, but he doesn’t tell Seungcheol anything, so instead of moving back down, Seungcheol takes the little vibrator away just an inch, and puts it back on him, repeating the motion and seeing how Jihoon twitches with every little touch of the vibrator on his tip.

He leaves it there, lets Jihoon move how he wants to, grinding until he finds a place where he’s comfortable at, and then moving a little and starting to twitch with little whines again.

Seungcheol can just admire him, look at him, feel the love he has for this boy in his bed who trusts him so much, with everything he has, enough to let Seungcheol do anything to him. Because he knows Seungcheol trusts him in return.

When Seungcheol thinks he’s ready enough, he drops the tip of the little vibrator right into the slit of his cock, and Jihoon doesn’t tremble, just curls in on himself and breathes hard, whines. Seungcheol knows the feeling because he’s edged himself quite a couple of times, knows the sharp pleasure that comes like you can’t hold yourself back, like it’s too much and not enough at the same time.

Seungcheol takes the vibrator away, drags it down his cock and back again, and presses it slowly on his tip again, seeing Jihoon grind his teeth and breathe hard. That’s when he turns the plug up to its highest setting, and Jihoon’s mouth drops with a long moan.

Precome dribbles steadily down his cock, Seungcheol knowing he’s so highly stimulated the thought of coming isn’t even on his mind. It’s continuing that pleasure, grinding down so that the little vibrator catches in all the right places on his cock. Seungcheol helps, puts his mouth on his nipple and tugs, reminding him how they started, and Jihoon moans, steady and long.

He’s so calm Seungcheol thinks he’s finally reached the phase of almost coming, enough to let go into the pleasure, but then he drags the little vibrator up his cock again and over his tip, and Jihoon twitches so hard Seungcheol has to hold him so he doesn’t get away.

He’s sobbing now without any actual tears coming out of his eyes, and Seungcheol takes mercy on him, drags the vibrator in tiny little motions and puts his other hand on his cock, jerking him off, dragging him to come.

When he does, he almost shouts. His mouth drops open and cum shoots across his chest, coming so hard even Seungcheol is surprised. It makes sense, since he’s teased him for so long and it's _been_ so long, so Seungcheol keeps going, strokes him through it until he's completely done.

When he’s relaxed after the longest orgasm Seungcheol’s probably ever teased out of him, Seungcheol turns the vibrator off and puts it on the nightstand, Jihoon flinging himself into his arms on his side. Seungcheol hugs him tight because he needs it, he knows, and slowly puts a hand on his hip to move and turn his plug off, the remote lost somewhere.

“No, no,” he says. “Leave it in, leave it on. Wanna suck you off and come again.” His voice is quick, but he didn’t drop, as Seungcheol suspected. He sometimes marvels at the level of Jihoon’s self-control, because he never expects it.

So he lets Jihoon turn him on his back and kneel between his legs, looking up at him with his mouth open and clear eyes. Seungcheol is so hard that at the first touch of Jihoon’s mouth, he moans. He always ignores himself when he makes Jihoon come like that, but he’s so gorgeous and Seungcheol loves seeing him in pleasure so much, that he’s always beyond turned on.

And Jihoon doesn’t play, sucks his cheeks in and bobs his head quickly on Seungcheol’s cock, sloppy and fast, and absolutely driving Seungcheol mad. He loves blowjobs like that as much as he loves slow ones, and Jihoon’s gotten unfairly good at them.

Jihoon takes him almost too deep, pulls off to catch his breath and jerk Seungcheol off before he dives back in, and goes slower. He’s trying to deepthroat him, and Seungcheol moans at the realization, his hand immediately locking in his hair to pace him if he goes too quick. But he manages, relaxes enough to take Seungcheol all the way without choking, the tightness and Jihoon’s eager eyes on him making Seungcheol think this is it for him.

And then Jihoon tries to swallow around him instinctively and chokes, and despite how much Seungcheol might like that, he’s careful to slip out of his mouth and caress his hair.

“Are you okay?” He asks him, and Jihoon nods, catching his breath.

“Yeah. I don’t mind it, I don't have to record or anything. Let me.”

Seungcheol doesn’t know how he can be this collected and determined with that damn vibrator still inside him, but he is. This time, when he goes down, Jihoon keeps him there, buries his nose in Seungcheol’s crotch, and swallows around him again. He chokes a little, but he doesn’t pull back, and Seungcheol thinks this is really it. Jihoon hums around him, and Seungcheol feels the pleasure build up way too quick.

“Gonna come,” he warns him, tries to pull him off, because even if he’s clearly gotten better, Jihoon doesn’t know how to take Seungcheol actually coming down his throat without potentially really hurting himself.

Jihoon obliges, pulls off and jerks Seungcheol’s cock with a quick hand and his mouth open, and Seungcheol loses it.

He cums all over Jihoon’s face, thick ropes of cum landing on his nose, his cheeks, his lips, his tongue, some dripping down his hand, while Jihoon’s eyes burn into his. He smiles. Jihoon _smiles_ with Seungcheol’s come painting his face, swallowing what’s in his mouth, and Seungcheol really thinks he’s really reached heaven, that this can't be true.

And then he straddles his hips, quickly getting the same hand on his own cock, lubing himself up with Seungcheol’s come, and frantically tugs at himself, the vibration of the plug still inside him, along with his quick breaths, ringing out in the room. His thighs quiver, so Seungcheol turns him around until he’s on his back and Seungcheol’s above him. The movement makes the plug slip out of him, and Jihoon quickly slides it back inside himself, arching up on Seungcheol’s hand now on him.

It won’t take him long to come since he’s red and aching, Seungcheol knows, so he tugs at him, and bends down to kiss him, despite the fact he’s still covered in his come. Jihoon takes his kiss easily, arches up into him even more. Seungcheol feels when he comes, pulling away, Jihoon twitching in his grasp and coming on his stomach and on Seungcheol’s hand, less intense this time, but still as hot.

And then Seungcheol can truly take in what a mess they are, and what the hell just transpired.

He first takes the plug out of him, Jihoon not protesting this time, and turns it off, leaving it on the bed. He’s going to need to boil these sheets anyway, probably.

Jihoon’s breathing hard, his chest rising when Seungcheol drops down at his side. Jihoon turns his head to him, looking into his eyes, and he’s still covered in Seungcheol’s come. Seungcheol’s gonna have a heart attack.

“Jihoon-ah... _What the hell.”_

"I'm gonna shower. Can you order food?" Jihoon's tone switches like nothing just happened, hopping down from the bed. Seungcheol blinks after him for two seconds, finding his wits, and finds his phone.

\---

"Are we not going to talk about it?" Seungcheol asks when they're almost done eating after finishing their showers.

"About what?"

"About what sex demon just possessed you."

Jihoon purses his lips at him, his expression slightly annoyed.

"No sex demon possessed me. Everyone always thinks I'm innocent and cute, and even if I play it up for fans, I'm not. You know me. I don't always want it soft and nice."

"Yeah... I do."

"Good. So don't always be soft and nice. Plus, don't think I forgot about _that_ , I'm just waiting for my time to get you." Jihoon says, putting his dish away, and grabbing Seungcheol's face in his hands, climbing in his lap. "Seriously. You can fuck me harder. I won't break," he looks into Seungcheol's eyes.

"You want me to do that to you?" Seungcheol asks, his thumb tracing Jihoon's bottom lip, dragging it to the side and letting go.

"Don't try to overpower me. You know I don't like that. Just go harder. Be rougher," he throws at him. "Look... I know back then you slept with me for a purpose, and it was easy for you to be rough cause you didn't care. But I'm just saying, now that you're not, it doesn't mean that if you're rough or whatever now you don't care about me. I know you do. Just... let go. It's fine. Not saying you have to wreck my brains out every time, I love it soft too, but you don't have to hold back when we both feel like it. I know you care."

"Okay. But like... I don't particularly have to. Like, I like it, but... if you don't want to, don't feel forced to tell me to let go."

"I think you didn't hear me. I said I want it. What, are you a gentle lover?" Jihoon teases him, and Seungcheol pouts.

"Yeah. You don't think so?"

Jihoon puffs with sarcastic laughter.

\---

Sound echoes very well in chapels, Seungcheol has always thought. He remembers the preachings from when he was very young; his father always had to go, and made Seungcheol and his mother come with him. The preachers were loud and noisy, and Seungcheol hated how they made you eat things and kneel in front of them and tell them your secrets.

His shoes click on the concrete floor, ring out in the large, empty space. She doesn't turn.

She's always been a pious one, this one.

"What are you praying for? Redemption? Salvation? Deliverance?" He whispers when he reaches the bench behind hers, smirks. "Isn't it too late?"

She bends her head just the littlest bit; Seungcheol can't see her expression.

"Seungcheol."

"You thought the secret would die with him, didn't you? Or did you think I wouldn't notice my security got shifted?" he scoffs, puts a hand on the back of her bench. "You wanted to get rid of him, maybe, I bet it actually must've been the same thing for you, if he betrayed you in the end or not, if I died or not. Or it wouldn't have? Maybe you would've actually been happy if I died. Your son would have been first in running for the CEO spot, I bet." He gets up, his shoes clicking for the two steps until he's at her side, crouches down next to her. She won't look at him.

"You and your family are over. There's nowhere you can hide I won't find you, _mother."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I am a bit more like Seungcheol in this situation personality-wise, writing this led me to think about a lot of stuff. Like is there anything inherently demeaning about being a mother? Or being the wife to a powerful man? Or being the empathetic one to someone’s strength, the warmth to the coldness? It’s demeaning when it’s assumed to be so just because a man and a woman are in those positions, but is it demeaning when people truly are so? I think it is a lot about social constructs, and very often those do not consider people's actual feelings regarding subjects; but actual feelings are also created by society, so what do we make of that?
> 
> And what do we do when it’s the opposite? While these stereotypes don’t apply to Seungcheol and Jihoon, I think it is because Seungcheol is inherently more emotive, open, and Jihoon less, so it’s interesting to think about how these roles fit when they have to switch them to fit the stereotypical ideas of their roles, being two men as well. Or maybe it is that women are always the more controlled ones, and men the ones less controlled in those positions anyway. These dynamics are very interesting for me to write, so I hope you enjoy looking at that and thinking about it! 
> 
> Seungcheol's tattoo is hard to explain, but imagine two pairs of two of flowers like [this](https://tattooblend.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/tattoos-for-women-97.jpg), each of the stems intertwined and done not that minimalist, and with the flowers in watercolor. The two pairs cross at the bottom of the stems, creating the appearance of a bunch, and the second pair is tilted to the left. The center pair has a slightly bigger flower and a smaller one. ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3


	5. be careful, be careful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this needs a warning, but there is slight name-calling during sex in a scene here, so be aware of that. 
> 
> Also, to clarify something I was asked about: I switch perspectives in a chapter, but I will never switch perspectives in the middle of a scene, because I find it confusing even for myself, not even to say for readers. So I hope that helps, and I hope you enjoy this chapter! <3

"I'm glad you came," Seungcheol smiles, turns back to the computer, and from his place opposite him, Jihoon hums. "Do you have a break today?"

"Yeah, today and tomorrow we're only doing shoots and vocal practice, no actual dance practice. Soonyoung and I forced them to give us one. The kids almost collapsed yesterday."

"When's your comeback?"

"Album comes out in six days."

"Are you excited?"

"Hmm."

"You're not?" Seungcheol asks, turning to him.

"I am, I guess. It's always fun to be back on stage, but..."

"You're exhausted."

"Kind of," Jihoon nods. "It's always a lot. Always a rush, never good enough, too much to do. Now even when I have a break, I can't relax. I slept seven hours for the first time in weeks and it feels like too much."

"That's not enough," Seungcheol admonishes him, because he really doesn't sleep during comeback season. Seungcheol's been gone for barely three weeks in total where they've seen each other once, and Jihoon is noticeably skinnier, the bags under his eyes way more obvious. Seungcheol wants to pick him up and feed him and tuck him under the covers for a good sleep, but he doesn't want to coddle him. It wouldn't really help him, and Jihoon would just get annoyed.

"I know, I know. Please don't patronize me, I've had enough of it," Jihoon sighs. It's his life, Seungcheol thinks; he can't change him, he can just help.

"Okay, I won't. I... actually wanted to do something today, if you're free."

"What is it?"

"Just let me finish this email. I have to go back to the US to meet with one more CEO, and I want to finish it up."

"Are they important?"

"Mhm," Seungcheol hums. "One of the most important, if not the most important people we work with in the US."

"Who are they?"

"It's a consulting firm. Remember how I told you my family was connected to Synghman Rhee?"

"Yeah."

"When they were in the US, my family worked in investment and financial policy. They were there during the Great Depression; it's a lot because of them and their relations that Syngman Rhee had the resources to come back and win the presidency. And they were friends with the founder of this firm, which is one of the most influential consulting firms in the US."

Jihoon nods, takes a peek at Seungcheol's screen, probably to see if Seungcheol will let him. He does, except Jihoon wouldn't understand because it's in English. Seungcheol needs to teach him at some point.

"I started reading the list you gave me. Of the firms you work with."

"You did?" Seungcheol asks, surprised, turning his eyes to Jihoon for a second.

"Yeah. When we're done with the comeback, I'll go through it more thoroughly. We'll talk about some stuff too."

"Okay. We will," Seungcheol nods, sends the email and turns to him. "I'm done."

"What are we doing today?"

"This is for my peace of mind more than anything, I guess, but..." Seungcheol starts, swallows. "I want to teach you how to shoot a gun. And get you one."

Jihoon's eyes widen. Seungcheol can see the surprise, the shock in his eyes. He wasn't expecting it.

"I..."

"Please. I just want you to know how to use one."

"Okay," Jihoon nods, although hesitantly.

\---

It doesn't hurt to know, Jihoon guesses. More knowledge is never bad. So he psychs himself on the way over to wherever Seungcheol is driving them, his hand on Jihoon's thigh. Jihoon puts his hand on his, plays with his fingers, lost in his thoughts.

He remembers seeing it on Seungcheol's desk back then, the cold metal feeling unfamiliar under his hand. Having something like that, something that can take a life in the space of less than a second in his hands, Jihoon doesn't know how he feels about that. Doesn't how to feel about the idea, even if it will probably never happen, of someone dying _because of him._

He remembers what he told Soonyoung back then. That he's maybe alright with the knowledge that people would kill to protect them. That this is the world they live in, and they wouldn't do it for any irrational reason.

But now that he's faced the idea that _he_ might have to do it, it's scary. And also hypocritical. The problem of the train heading on a track straight for 5 people, with the lever that you can pull to derail it on a track with only one person, comes to mind. Everyone would do it. One instead of five. It sounds rational.

But pulling the lever means you made a choice yourself, to kill that one person. And that complicates it all.

Ultimately, Jihoon strives to be a rational person. If someone would want to hurt him or worse, his members, he has to know how to defend them. So he gulps, puts his thoughts away and looks at Seungcheol in the driver's seat, who turns to him at a red light. He squeezes Jihoon's hand in his, angled in a weird way from where Jihoon made himself busy with it, and Jihoon bites his lip, somehow unsettled.

Seungcheol's eyes tell him it's okay, and Jihoon knows he has to do it. He has no time to hesitate, and no space to do it either. It's maybe a metaphor.

\---

Jihoon enters the building in front of Seungcheol, and immediately sees a man bow 90 degrees to him. Jihoon goes to do the same, used to reciprocate, but Seungcheol stops him with a hand on his shoulder, so Jihoon only bows his head, sees Seungcheol do the same.

Of course. Jihoon forgot the image he has to put out.

"Welcome."

"Did you close down?" Seungcheol looks at him.

"Yes, we did when you confirmed you would be coming. Everything is ready."

Seungcheol nods, takes his hand off from Jihoon, and the man turns around, leading them to somewhere. Seungcheol doesn't go though, nudges Jihoon.

"Don't act coupley. They'll gossip," he whispers, slightly bending down to Jihoon.

Jihoon snorts. "I don't think that's an issue for _me._ "

"Fair," Seungcheol chuckles, gestures for him to follow the man who's stopped, looking at them. It's usually Seungcheol who's with his hands all over Jihoon, not the other way around. Jihoon wouldn't even think of it.

He leads them to the safety gear, handing Jihoon a pair of goggles and ear protectors, and Jihoon puts them on. He can hear, but not that much, so he puts them around his neck.

"We're going to have you go with a 22 millimeter since it has barely any recoil. You haven't shot before, have you?" The man asks, and Jihoon shakes his head once.

"I have not."

"That's alright," he answers and leads him to what seems to be a private room in the range, standing in front of one of the tunnels, Jihoon doesn't have another name for them. He sees a piece of paper with a human form at the end and takes a subtle breath, gearing himself up for it. They're really dropping him right in the middle of everything.

"First of all, your stance should be firm, but relaxed. Balance is key here. I'll have you grab the gun first, don't worry, it's not loaded. I'll have you grab it with your left arm first here, and then the right arm should go on the handle, three fingers stacked on top of each other with the index finger following the line of the gun."

Jihoon picks it up, the feeling incredibly strange. The gun feels off in his hand, too heavy and quite light at the same time, cold and unfamiliar, and yet, his hand shapes around it like he was instructed.

"Perfect. Now for your left hand, place your thumb here, that's your reference point," he points at a point on Jihoon's gun, "and then wrap your four fingers around your left hand on the handle. Hold it tight, but don't squeeze too hard, feel how much pressure you need to put on it. And then extend your hands, just to feel it."

Jihoon follows the instructions, extends his hands in front of him. The feeling is already making his heart race, and he can hear Seungcheol's breath hitch next to him. Way to be subtle.

"Great. Now try putting your finger on the trigger, just to see what it feels like, and pull it. Don't squeeze your entire hand, just isolate your index finger, and pull." If there was a bullet in there, Jihoon is sure his heart would've stopped. There's none, so the gun makes an empty click.

"That's good. Now I will teach you how to load it and pull the safety."

Jihoon listens closely to the instructions, taking his earmuffs off to make sure he doesn't miss anything. The instructor has him practice with an empty cabinet, repeat the motion until Jihoon feels comfortable with loading the gun, pulling the safety, and aiming it in a short amount of time, and then slows him down again. He makes him keep it there, follow the red dot on the gun until he makes sure Jihoon can pull the trigger without losing balance or losing his aim. He's a good instructor, which helps Jihoon not lose his nerves.

"That's good. Should we try with a live one now?" The instructor asks, and Seungcheol clicks his tongue.

"I'll take it from here. Thank you."

The instructor knows better than to argue with Seungcheol, so he bows and leaves. Jihoon nods his head to him, thanks him, and sees the man leave through the door. Once it's closed, Seungcheol comes closer to him and tips his chin up, kisses him.

 _"Don't act coupley,"_ Jihoon whispers on his lips, feels Seungcheol smile.

"Private room. No cameras, checked." Jihoon raises an eyebrow at him. "You look hot."

"Do I?"

"Mhm."

Jihoon leans in then, kisses Seungcheol and tugs at his bottom lip with his teeth, barely a hint of tongue swiping at his lips. And then he pulls away, and presses the barrel of the gun on Seungcheol's ribs. If it wasn't empty, he wouldn't dare, but it is, and it's clearly doing something to Seungcheol anyway, seeing Jihoon learn how to do this.

"Teach me how to shoot."

Seungcheol smirks, but puts the earmuffs back on Jihoon, puts his on too. Jihoon turns to the tunnel again, and feels Seungcheol press against him slightly, arrange himself. If he was hard, Jihoon would tease him to hell and back, but he's not.

"You can pick up the loaded cabinet, be careful putting it in."

Jihoon takes it, loads it in like he was taught, makes sure to keep it pointed out at all times, be aware of where it is. It's nerve-wracking, to say the least.

"Now aim in front of you, put your left hand on your right," Seungcheol instructs, pressing down slightly on his shoulder when Jihoon extends his arms and points at the paper. "Relax. Not your grip on the gun, but your shoulders. Shake them a little, feel the movement of your body while holding on to the gun. Don't overextend your arms, keep your elbow a bit bent naturally. The gun should be an extension of your arm, not something foreign. Do it until you feel comfortable with it, until it starts feeling less awkward, until you feel you're firm on the ground," he whispers behind Jihoon.

Having this feel less awkward is slightly impossible, he thinks, but he follows Seungcheol's advice, tries to ground himself down while relaxing his joints. It works a little, maybe.

"Now fix your aim. These should have a thing that helps you, fix it on the paper. Once you find your spot, keep it there. Slowly put your finger on the trigger, try not to move from your spot. Keep your aim there."

Jihoon follows his instructions, keeps his eyes open and fixed on the spot, takes a deep breath.

"Don't lose your grip on it, it will recoil a little bit. Just get your mind ready for that, but don't tense up. Stay relaxed, and keep your grip firm," he instructs Jihoon, gets away from him until he can feel them not touching.

"And _shoot._ "

Jihoon does, presses his finger on the trigger, hears the bang, feels the gun twitch in his hand before it returns to the same spot. He almost dropped it, but he managed not to.

One second later, the feeling kicks in. It's indescribable, the rush of blood to Jihoon's head, how his heart stopped beating for that one second, time and sound warped in his head to stay still, slow down.

_"Holy shit."_

Seungcheol chuckles.

"Felt good?"

"Felt weird." Jihoon's heart is still beating hard, and he thinks he can even smell the slightly burnt smell, or it might be his imagination.

"Do it again. This time, you know the feeling. Try to keep the gun stable when you shoot. The key is not to fight the recoil, but not to give into it either. If you try to fight it, you grip too hard, and you lose stability. If you give into it, you won't shoot straight. I can't explain it, but try to keep it in the same spot, try to work with it."

Jihoon puts the safety down and repeats it, shoots once more and then once more, the feeling still the same, even through Seungcheol's instructions. It's maybe only after six shots that he can start to see what Seungcheol is saying. It's more like a mental thing; knowing that the recoil will come makes you flinch, and you either try to compensate for it by gripping harder, or you lose the grip if you weren't ready. So Jihoon takes one more breath before the seventh shot, switches his stance just a little and tries to keep his thoughts even, calm his heart rate down.

"You're going to nail this one," Seungcheol whispers, and Jihoon breathes.

When he shoots, he doesn't actively _pull_ the trigger, putting his mind on that single action. He kind of lets go of his finger, presses it just a little, and he can feel the stability of the gun in his hand.

"And you did." Seungcheol pushes a button and the paper comes to them.

"How did you know? That I was going to nail it?" Jihoon asks, looking at him instead of the paper, turning his head to him. He wants to know what he saw.

"Your stance. You relaxed. You started controlling it, instead of it controlling you."

Jihoon's heart does something when he hears that. Maybe it's how he says it, but maybe it's a little bit of pride too.

And then he looks at the paper. Sees his first shots, most of them missing the outline of the figure, and then sees what's presumably the last one, just a few circles away from the center.

"Come on. Try to do the same thing. Don't tense up, relax. You're controlling it, remember."

Jihoon does, fires off a few shots in fairly quick succession, and it feels better. It doesn't feel that nerve-wracking, and it's maybe quite cathartic. After a few more shots, he realizes he's done with the bullets in the cabinet, so he puts the gun down on the little table.

"Hmm," he hums, stretching his wrist and twisting it, feeling how sore it is. He was nervous, he can tell. Seungcheol takes his right hand in his and presses on his wrist, massaging it.

"You're good. People don't get used to it this fast."

"Hmm?" Jihoon asks, sees Seungcheol move to his other wrist.

"Yeah. It's because of how you think. You're used to high-pressure situations, so you're capable of putting down thoughts that come up. It's mostly that which controls how well you do; being able to keep your mind clear right before and after you shoot."

Seungcheol has him try again, and even if sometimes Jihoon misses the outline, his shots seem to concentrate in the same area, and inch closer to the center. After the people Seungcheol calls in change the paper, Jihoon tries changing the spot he's aiming to see if he can follow it through and it works, so he considers it successful. Three cabinets later, his hands hurt, and he puts the gun down.

"Want to call it a day?" Seungcheol asks, and Jihoon nods.

"Yeah. I'll try more another time."

"So you didn't mind it?" Seungcheol asks before they leave the room, his hands on Jihoon's hips.

"I... I don't mind the act itself. It was interesting. I just... I don't know how it will be if I'll actually use it."

"You're not supposed to think like that," Seungcheol shakes his head. "What you're doing now is actually using it. Of course, it's dangerous and it's not something to play with, not a cathartic act in reality, but you need to know that the gun in your hand here and the gun you will point at someone if you have to is the same. And you are too, so your mind should be the same."

"So then how are you... how are you supposed to shoot someone, if it comes down to it? How are you supposed to pull the trigger knowing that it could  _kill?"_

"The decision to shoot shouldn't be made when your gun is up and pointed, in the moment before you do shoot. Thinking like that, that hesitation could cost you your life. The decision to shoot should be made before your gun goes up, and you just follow through with it. That takes a while to understand, but when you get used to having a gun in your hand, you'll see you can make that decision in a split second when you need to, and the gun becomes just the means for you to achieve what you put your mind to. This is why it's important for you to train now with a clear mind, and why I want you to do this again; I'm not teaching you only how to hold a gun and what your stance should be and how to pull the trigger, but I want to teach you how to _shoot."_

"Will I be capable of really using it though?"

"Why wouldn't you be?" Seungcheol says, the corner of his mouth curling up minutely. "Hopefully you'll never have to, but you know too you are capable of it."

"Did you ever kill someone? Just point blank, shot and down?" He asks, looking into Seungcheol's eyes.

"Why ask something you don't want to know the answer to?"

"Maybe I do."

Seungcheol huffs a breath, blinks.

"Of course I have. It's something I'd never wish for you to do, but I want you to be able to."

\---

When they exit the room, the same man is waiting for them a bit further away.

"I have it ready, sir."

"Great," Seungcheol says, and they follow the man into another room. Jihoon immediately zeroes his eyes on it because he knows it's his.

"We went with a more lightweight model, and it should fit perfectly, if the measurements were correct."

Jihoon looks at Seungcheol, whose expression doesn't change. Later then.

"Would you like to hold it?"

Jihoon nods and picks the gun up.

"It's not loaded, so feel free to point it, see if there's anything you don't feel comfortable with." Jihoon does, and it _does_ feel comfortable, which is the worst feeling. But he nods again.

"It feels alright."

"Great then. We'll go with this, let me teach you how to load it and pull the safety, and then how to clean it and maintain it. It will come in a safe which can be opened only with fingerprint access, so we will set that up."

Jihoon dutifully listens to the instructions, puts his fingerprints and tries everything, which ends up being quite a while. And then he picks up the gun the other way to put it in the safe for good, and he notices the initials at the bottom. ㅈㅎ. From his _name._

He's going to kill Seungcheol, that's for sure. Maybe he'll rethink having brought him here then.

They say thank you to the man, Seungcheol tipping him quite nicely, and leave, Jihoon's damn _gun_ in the trunk of Seungcheol's car.

"What the hell," he starts, throwing a side glance at Seungcheol.

"You need to have one. You know how to use one now. You should put it in your closet, but don't let your members have access to it or see it, clearly. I'll show you where I keep the guns in the house too and in the cars, so you know."

"You didn't have to, though. That stuff must've been expensive."

"Stop right there," Seungcheol says, puts a finger to his lips, somehow managing despite how he's focused on the road. "It's a necessity, Jihoon, I'll be frank with you. Plus, I wanted you to have the same model as us; it's more reliable, pretty advanced, and I like the personalization idea because it feels like it's yours much more. So don't. Please, not now."

"We'll talk more about this," Jihoon warns, but it's a lost battle. He can see how it could be a necessity, so he can't complain too much.

"Sure," Seungcheol answers, and Jihoon relaxes in his seat. "I'll do you a favor for this," he turns for a second and smirks at him, and Jihoon chuckles humorlessly. Oh, he'll definitely owe Jihoon one.

\---

Gentle lover. Jihoon was almost fooled back then.

Now, bent over the island counter in Seungcheol's fancy chef kitchen, with Seungcheol fucking into him so hard his legs almost give, he doesn't quite believe it.

"Fuck," he whines, Seungcheol alternating between hitting his spot and drawing away from it, purposely missing it. It's _maddening,_ when he slows down and bends over Jihoon's back to bite his ear. "Was that your favor to me?" Jihoon whispers, his voice breaking.

"Maybe. You're taking me so well though, baby, I'm starting to think it's more of a favor to me. I think I can maybe see the appeal of rough sex now," he chuckles, gripping Jihoon's hip _hard._

Jihoon whines again at a well-placed thrust, driving his chest up the cold marble. The _asshole._ The temperature of the counter, the feeling of Seungcheol fucking him like that, it's keeping him right on the edge of the pleasure, alternating between building up and coming down. But Seungcheol won't give it to him properly, his angles all off, and it's frustrating.

Seungcheol slips out at a hard thrust, and Jihoon almost curses. _Who is he?_ he thinks as Seungcheol picks him up and turns him around. Jihoon helps him, moving his body until most of his back is on the counter, the back of his knees around Seungcheol's elbows, and his hands holding on to the edge of the island.

When Seungcheol fucks into him again, the new position makes him see stars.

"Deep, _deep,_ " he whispers, his voice long gone.

And then Seungcheol bends down to kiss him, pushing Jihoon's legs up, and gets _even deeper._ Jihoon gasps, twitching, because he can _feel him._

"Too much?" Seungcheol whispers on his lips.

"No, no, keep going, fuck."

Seungcheol chuckles, his lips slowly dragging along Jihoon's jaw and cheek, over his temples, a sharp contrast with his hard, deep thrusts that drive Jihoon absolutely insane.

"Such a little slut for me. I love seeing you all desperate like this, so open for me," he whispers close to his ear, kisses his jaw so gently, like he's not fucking into Jihoon so hard he shivers. Jihoon gasps, his eyes closed. He doesn't want to admit his words do _something_ to him. "So wet too," he says, tracing the tip of Jihoon's cock with a finger, where precome has pooled on his stomach, Jihoon looking down at him doing it. Just that little touch is so much, coupled with the sight of it, and Jihoon's been hard for so long. Seungcheol hasn't properly touched his cock at all, and he's _so sensitive._ So close to _something,_ and when he thinks Seungcheol will give in and finally make him come, he pulls out, Jihoon's eyes shooting open.

"What the fuck," he rasps, moaning when two fingers replace Seungcheol's cock, crooking straight into his spot and then dragging inside him.

"Don't want you to come yet. Think you can hold it a bit more?"

"Why?"

"Because it's fun. Wanna make you come harder than you ever have, wanna see you _cry._ Would you do that for me?"

So he wants to ruin Jihoon. Fine, he thinks and tries to get his bearings back. It's not like Jihoon asked for it.

"Yeah."

Seungcheol picks him up with a kiss to his cheek, picks up their clothes too, and takes him to the bedroom, dropping him on the bed and joining him.

"What do you wanna do?"

"What do _you_ wanna do?" Seungcheol asks him in return, smoothing his hands over his hips. "Toys?"

"No. Can you edge me? Just want you."

Seungcheol smiles, Jihoon's admission making everything a little slower. He kisses him, tongue slipping in Jihoon's mouth, before he pulls off to get more lube. Jihoon lets his eyes follow him when Seungcheol comes back, kneeling on the bed, and his fingers slip back inside him. Jihoon lets out a long moan, way too loud, but he couldn't care less. He's so high-strung and has been hard for so long, he feels every touch, every drag of his fingers inside him. Seungcheol moves from slow to harder, his thrusts picking pace and his fingers crooking into Jihoon's spot, adding another one. But he's not doing it focused enough for Jihoon to come, just dragging slight pleasure out of him, and Jihoon groans, tensing on the sheets, grabbing them.

When his thrusts get a little faster, Jihoon feels the pleasure build up in his stomach, making him tremble, before Seungcheol pulls back, does the same thing a couple more times, slows down and quickens back up.

"Fuck me. Gonna come soon," he tells him with a slight whine to get him to do something already, stop teasing, and Seungcheol obliges, reaching into the nightstand.

"No. Leave the condom."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

He loves being able to do this now, feel Seungcheol as he is. It's the feeling but not only, it's also the knowledge that Seungcheol is his, and his only. And the trust he can put into that.

"You won't complain about cleaning up?" Seungcheol murmurs, pecking his lips.

"No. Cause you'll help me." Seungcheol rolls his eyes, but it's not real annoyance, because that means Jihoon letting Seungcheol finger him under the hot spray of the shower, and possibly a round two in there, if he's feeling up for it.

When Seungcheol slides home, Jihoon's eyes roll to the back of his head, because he's so intentional with every single thrust meant to spark a fire in Jihoon. He doesn't fuck around, quite literally, he hits Jihoon's spot every time, but slowing down when Jihoon is tightening up around him, almost getting there.

It frustrates Jihoon so bad, but it also tethers him right on the edge for so long he can't help but let go of his mind, focuses only on the way too intense pleasure. It's this time when he can admit he loves the fact that Seungcheol is older, because it means he can control himself better, pace himself to tease and edge Jihoon until he can't bear it anymore. Moans ring out in the bedroom, and Jihoon doesn't know if they're his or not, is too out of it to tell.

Seungcheol knows though when it gets to be too much, when Jihoon is crying out bordering on pain, and when the tears are not from sheer pleasure anymore. That's when he touches Jihoon's cock, finally, and despite how it hurts, it hurts _really good,_ bringing Jihoon right there.

Tears drip down from his eyes almost in an afterthought, his eyes scrunched tight and his mouth open, gasping, when Seungcheol tightens his hand and hits his prostate straight on a couple of times. Jihoon builds, builds, builds, and lets go.

He comes so hard the world goes black for a few seconds, the build-up melting into the sheer comfort and pleasure he's feeling. The pleasure travels through him, making him twitch and gasp with it, letting go of the pent-up energy built in him. When he comes back to it, Seungcheol is fucking him slow, caressing his hands over his sides.

"You're okay? You came so hard."

"Yeah, loved it," he gasps when Seungcheol brushes his over-sensitive spot. "Keep going. Come in me," he whispers with a raspy voice, and Seungcheol straight up moans. He must be a mess, his eyes tearing up from the edging and the over-stimulation, and he must be so red. But Seungcheol loves seeing it, and Jihoon loves feeling it too.

Seungcheol picks up the pace, Jihoon unconsciously twitching in his arms when he gets too close to his spot. Sometimes, he wants Seungcheol to keep going and never stop until he's utterly spent and sometimes he just can't take it. Now he doesn't know if he could come again any time soon, but he wants to _feel Seungcheol._

His hands tighten in Seungcheol's hair when he kisses him heatedly, his tongue slipping in Jihoon's mouth. It's much more disorganized than an actual kiss, Seungcheol more breathing in his mouth than anything else, kissing down his jaw.

"Come, baby," the nickname slips from Jihoon's mouth, and he's surprised himself. Seungcheol is too, judging by his moan in Jihoon's neck, the vibration traveling through his body and making him tighten around Seungcheol.

A couple more thrusts and Jihoon feels him grip his hips harder, burying himself deeper and coming _inside him,_ which is a feeling Jihoon will both never get used to and never get tired of. Sometimes it's unpleasant to deal with, but in the moment, Jihoon actually loves feeling owned like that.

Seungcheol eventually pulls out, leaving Jihoon feeling so empty, which he whispers to him, unguarded. Seungcheol smiles, drops down next to him on his side, so Jihoon turns to face him. He's quickly becoming aware of how filthy he is, but he doesn't want to get up to shower yet, is too lazy to do so. He's comfortable, loves the comfort of the routine that is the same despite whatever rough or kinky or soft sex they had, Seungcheol hugging him and Jihoon having a moment to breathe before they move.

And then Seungcheol's hand on his hip shifts, his fingers teasing Jihoon's rim, and he gasps in surprise.

"What are you doing?"

"Can I?"

Despite himself, Jihoon nods. He lets Seungcheol drape Jihoon's leg over his, sliding a finger inside him, and it's _filthy._ If he doesn't think about it, maybe it's better. Maybe then the blush wouldn't extend to his chest, thinking that Seungcheol is _fucking his come back into him._

He clearly fails at not thinking about it. Especially when Seungcheol adds another finger, crooking them and almost hitting his abused spot. It's the _sound_ too that makes Jihoon blush, the wet, filthy sound of Seungcheol's fingers inside him, and he can't help but try to bury half of his face in the pillow, his other half in his chest.

"Okay, okay," he pants, clutching at Seungcheol's sheets and his pillow.

"Think you can come again?"

"I don't know," he mumbles, grinding down on his fingers. Seungcheol puts his lips on his temple, and Jihoon whines, his sounds buried by his chest.

But god does it feel good, in a very strange way. The muscles in Jihoon's body tense with every brush of Seungcheol's fingers, and after the pain passes, because Seungcheol is so gentle, he's starting to enjoy it again, how sensitive he is and how nicely he can feel the drag of his fingers. It's not rough despite how intense it feels for Jihoon. It's slow and careful and soft, Seungcheol enveloping him and Jihoon borrowing from his warmth.

When Seungcheol presses closer, Jihoon's cock brushes his stomach and he realizes just _how hard he is,_ and how stretched taut he feels. He's going to come again, he can tell by his tensing muscles, an orgasm that won't be as much about pleasure as about releasing that tension.

"Keep going, please, my god," he begs Seungcheol, gripping his arm that's moving between his legs, his body starting to twitch. It's out of his control sometimes, his body letting go in tremors that he was so self-conscious of a while ago. But after Seungcheol told him repeatedly how hot he finds it, that he just can't hold back, he's gotten comfortable with it, with him.

Seungcheol adds a third finger, stretching Jihoon around them and pressing into his spot more intently. His lips press on Jihoon's temple, on his cheeks. He doesn't say anything like he usually does, but the silence and the quiet comfort is more than enough.

Jihoon trusts him, enough to let go with intense tremors of his body in Seungcheol's grip, untouched this time, which surprises him, to say the least. It's like the pleasure comes from somewhere deeper inside of him, releasing his tension along with it, smoothening his muscles and his thoughts at the same time.

Seungcheol pulls out carefully again and Jihoon moves closer, drapes an arm over his waist and buries his face in his neck, Seungcheol's chin resting the top of his head. He thinks Seungcheol just wiped his fingers on the sheets and Jihoon doesn't even want to know what a mess they are and he is. He'll allow himself not to care about that for a second, feeling comforted and relaxed in Seungcheol's arms. Seungcheol kisses the top of his head with a long peck, and Jihoon breathes out, exhales a large breath.

"Better?"

"Yeah."

He didn't even know how much he needed it, to be able to let go. But Seungcheol saw it in him, how tense he was, and knew that it's not the kind of tension or pent-up frustration to release only with rough sex. And Jihoon didn't know.

"You kind of failed at being rough."

"I don't know, I think I did pretty well in the first half."

"Maybe."

"When you're not so out of your mind and willing to let go, we'll try again."

He's read him perfectly and didn't even tell him, Jihoon almost wants to hit him.

But he's too warm, so maybe a bit later.

\---

"I'm sore. My back hurts, and my thighs hurt. It's your fault."

"Want a massage?" Seungcheol chuckles, and Jihoon nods, because Seungcheol _does_ have magic hands.

In more ways than one.

He takes his shirt and his sweatpants off, and buries his face in the pillows, turning around on his stomach. Seungcheol straddles the back of his legs, and from the first touch to Jihoon's lower back, he feels it.

He's not gentle with massaging which helps, because gentle doesn't really help. He likes the spots that are hurting to be pressed down on more forcefully, even if it hurts in the moment, because it feels much better after. Seungcheol knows that, runs his hand over his back, kneads and presses with the bridge of his palm, and Jihoon moans because it feels _so good._

Plus, Seungcheol never feels tired, so he can keep going for ages, until Jihoon is completely relaxed and putty in his hands.

"Does it feel good?" He asks after a long while, moving down to his thighs, kneading a bit softer.

"Mhm. Thank you."

"You know, I was wondering..." Seungcheol says and stops, starts back again after a second. Jihoon hums to show he's listening. "Lately, we haven't had time to talk about us that much. We talk about everything else and damn work, but not about what you want. Besides you telling me you want me to be rougher with you, there's not much you've told me recently."

"Like... about sex?"

"Yeah, but not only. What you want to do. Places you want to go, things you want to try, stuff you want to see or do or whatever. You know, I don't want you to slip into my work schedule as well."

"Hmm. I'll think about it," he answers, his words muffled. "But I just want to relax with you and do nothing. Especially since we'll both be busy for a while."

"I know... but we need more fun, different stuff, to not get complacent. Would you be down to go somewhere where there's no fans or anything? For a few days, when we both have time."

"I'd like to, but we don't have time?"

"We'll make it. When you're done with your comeback. Okay?"

"Okay. I'd love to."

Seungcheol hums, pressing at a part of Jihoon's back that's felt sore for a few days. He hisses, and Seungcheol pushes a little easier, knowing he needs to get the tension out first.

"What about sex then? What do you want to do? Is there anything different?"

Jihoon thinks, runs the ideas in his head. There's been some stuff.

"Maybe."

"Wanna tell me?"

"Yeah, sure."

But Seungcheol keeps going, doesn't push until Jihoon decides he's done, and turns around. Seungcheol's still straddling his knees, looking down at him. Jihoon kind of likes this position, likes being the one looking at him over his thighs.

"I want you to choke me. Not necessarily until I can't breathe, but I want to feel it. Wanna learn how to deepthroat you properly too, will you teach me?" He tilts his head, looking up at Seungcheol, who's smirking. His tone sounds like it's nothing, as slow as before, like they're discussing the weather, but that simple fact makes it hit differently. This back-and-forth, this build-up of tension between them that is also so relaxed, is what Jihoon likes the most. Because it's never about ownership or power dynamics, and Jihoon never feels like he loses control even when the situation says he should. They're just like that. "Wanna choke on your cock and I want you to come down my throat."

Seungcheol laughs at him, but it's at his tone, not at what he's saying.

"Jihoon-ah..."

"I'm not kidding."

"I know you're not."

His hands run on Jihoon's sides, brushing over his stomach.

"We can try it out. Whenever you want. Take it slow, we don't have to do everything right away." His tone turns sweet, and Jihoon nods. "Do you... can I buy you something then? Since you know, permission and everything," Seungcheol asks.

"What is it?"

"Can I not tell you?"

Jihoon raises an eyebrow. "That kind of defeats the point, doesn't it?"

"Just let me. Please."

"Don't make me regret it."

\---

"Thank you for coming back to the US to meet with us," the CEO tells them in the meeting room, Seungcheol and Jeonghan seated opposite of him.

"That is no problem," Seungcheol nods.

"We had a bit of a crisis these past couple of weeks. Our CFO died in a tragic car accident, and he was one of my closest friends. So I had to spread myself between the duty of a friend to his family and one of a CEO to this company. Thankfully, we found someone incredible who took up the position. I would normally never even think of anyone under 40 for a C-level position, but he blew my mind with his experience and ideas." Seungcheol narrows his eyes imperceptibly, trying to see what is so important here. "He is actually Korean; from what I understood, he really wanted to meet you. He should be on his way."

And then the door opens, and Seungcheol looks.

Ironically, the first thing that comes to mind when he is faced with one of his biggest nightmares is that there was no accident.

"Of course I wanted to meet you. Especially when we have the same surname, and the same first syllable in our names," the man says, walking in.

Seungcheol gulps under his smirk. 20 years, and nothing's changed.

"Choi Seungbin, nice to meet you," he extends his hand.

Seungcheol's frozen in his chair, but manages to get up and shake his hand. It's like Seungcheol's whole world turns at that touch, and it must be noticeable.

"Seungbin told me you two know each other, actually, but he didn't know if you'd remember," the CEO says, and Seungcheol swallows and nods, trying to regain control of the situation.

"I do. We do have a lot of history."

\---

"Do you think it's a coincidence?" Jeonghan asks from the bed, Seungcheol lounging in the hotel armchair. It's tradition for them to stay in the same hotel room when they travel, and that hasn't changed.

"It's no coincidence," he huffs. "Right when I took the head role, the CFO of the most important firm we work with in the US got in an "accident." No. He knows what he's doing."

"So what are we gonna do?"

"I don't know. What do you think?" Seungcheol asks him, looking at him change his position.

"I think we can't ignore it. If we do, it will blow up in our faces. If you think he's planning something."

"So then?"

"Let's threaten him a little. Find if he has a family, keep him on his toes."

Seungcheol huffs. "It won't stop him. He's my brother."

"It won't. But even if it throws him off a little, it's worth it. We're in New York, let's talk to our friends here."

"Our friends? My Italian is quite rusty."

"Don't worry. We speak the only language we need. Money." Jeonghan turns. "Or we could have him outright killed."

"Hmm. We could. But do you also feel like that would be the wrong choice?"

"Yeah. Let things run their course, right?"

"Yes."

Jeonghan hums, settles to lay on his front, looking at Seungcheol.

"Do you ever regret it? Not killing him back then?"

Seungcheol nods. "I've spared many people when I was told not to. Some decisions worked in our favor, some didn't, right? I don't think this is one that will, but..."

"Hmm. It would've been terrible if you did kill Wonwoo."

"Yeah..." Seungcheol says, lays his head back on the couch. "I didn't expect this. It's unsettling. I don't know what he's planning."

"Call Junhui first, and then let's pay a visit to our friends. It's good to keep up connections anyway, and we'll figure it out."

\---

It's 4 AM here, so it's 4 PM in Seoul, but it's also Thursday. Jihoon must be either recording or resting. Seungcheol won't bother him.

So he puts the phone down, lights up another cigarette. It's unusually warm for November in New York, but Seungcheol dragged a blanket out with him anyway, which he tucks closer to himself, putting the ash of the cigarette in the ashtray.

The sliding door to the balcony opens then, and Jeonghan walks out, his comforter tucked in around him. He sits in the chair on Seungcheol's right, the table between them, and steals a cigarette from the pack, lighting it up and breathing the smoke out.

"Couldn't sleep?" Seungcheol asks, taking another drag.

"Had a nightmare."

Seungcheol hums. "Wanna tell me about it?"

"No. The nightmare itself is not important."

He takes a couple more drags, revels in the silence, looking at the lights of New York. The city that never sleeps.

"I don't think we're ready," Jeonghan says, low.

"For what?"

"For the shitshow that is awaiting us. We're taking over a fucked up family, Seungcheol, and we have to fix it all. And now this... It doesn't feel good."

"We'll manage."

"Why are you so sure?" Jeonghan turns his eyes to him. Seungcheol looks at him; he really is distressed. He can't be.

"Because we have no other option."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The "generational name" practice is still somehow common in Korean naming, where siblings (and sometimes cousins, even though this has reduced), share a syllable/character in their names. This is what Seungcheol's brother was referring to.)
> 
> Thank you for reading, I'm looking forward to your thoughts. ;)


	6. your sharp thorns, please give them to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not ready for this chapter to be out, but here it is! Just a warning, this chapter has mentions of non-explicit past violence and sexual assault, and treats other dark themes and issues a little, so beware. We're slowly getting to the darker themes of this fic, and some things are changing. I just also want to say I don't necessarily agree with everything I write, and I'm taking liberties with things because it's fiction, so keep that in mind!
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! <3

Jihoon hears the fans screaming happy birthday behind the curtains, hiding in the back and almost let on. He can't help but smile. It's been a hard day, he won't lie, even if his members burst in his studio at midnight with cake and presents last night, and made him truly smile and laugh.

Pledis seemed to forget it was his birthday though, and drew him in for dreary meetings with Soonyoung about their comeback. It didn't do well enough, it's not taken well enough, not pulling in as much money or views as they expected.

Jihoon doesn't have an answer. But right now, as they're called on to the stage, he doesn't need to have an answer. He just needs to _perform._

And perform he does. He puts it all away, focuses on the perfect timing of his movements with his members, his breaths to the cadences of the songs. He keeps his voice stable where he needs to, knowing he's already prone to voice cracks, and gives it all to his dancing.

And hears the happy birthday in the fanchant again, for him. He's grateful, and so he performs, tries to give it all to his fans and to the people who support them despite views or sales.

\---

_"Can we celebrate?"_

"Can it just be the two of us? I'm tired. I just want to see you."

_"Of course. I'll pick you up."_

Seungcheol does, picks him up in his Rolls Royce, kisses him when he gets into the passenger seat.

"Happy birthday, baby."

"Thank you," Jihoon whispers back.

The first thing Jihoon sees when they enter the house is the amazing spread of food on the dinner table, and he turns to Seungcheol.

"We're not gonna eat all that. I'm in a comeback."

"We're not. But I picked light foods anyway. Come on," Seungcheol drags him by the hand and Jihoon sits down, looks at the food, and digs in, because he is starving and they don't have a performance until the day after tomorrow. He won't eat tomorrow and lose it, it's alright.

When they're done with dinner, Seungcheol goes to his room and comes back with a little bag, and Jihoon raises his eyebrow.

"What did you do?"

"I didn't get you a lot, because I know you don't like that, but open it."

Jihoon takes the bag, and when he looks at the box and at the inscription on it, he thinks he knows what this is.

"I know Cartier. I hope you didn't get me one of those bracelets."

Seungcheol's face tells Jihoon he has. And when he opens the box, indeed, a [white gold bracelet](https://www.cartier.com/en-us/collections/jewelry/collections/love/love-bracelets/b6048017-love-bracelet-small-model-10-diamonds.html) sits in the black velvet, along with a tiny screwdriver. It has _diamonds,_ many of them, and Jihoon is struck.

"Don't say anything. I have one too, so I figured it can be sort of a symbol."

"Seungcheol-ah... This is expensive."

"There are many fake versions though, so your fans won't be able to tell. Please. Stop with the 'it's expensive' stuff, I want to spoil you. And give you nice things. _Please,_ " he comes closer, almost kissing Jihoon, and he sighs. He has an increasing feeling this is not a battle he'll ever be able to win.

He lets Seungcheol put it on him, opening it with the little screwdriver and closing it around his right wrist. It's beautiful, too beautiful.

Jihoon does the same to Seungcheol's, and then he leans to him, kisses him. He used to feel bad about having these expensive things, and maybe he still does. But the bracelet sits nicely on his wrist, and the knowledge that he's wearing something that's somehow permanent, connecting him to Seungcheol, feels good.

\---

_"Comeback's over?"_

"It's over. Repackage coming out in two months, but we have end-of-the-year award shows until then. They've already started."

_"I'm really happy you're done though. You all killed it, I loved your performances, and you're amazing at the shows."_

Jihoon hums, nods even though Seungcheol can't see him. He's honestly proud. Immensely proud of his members for being able to achieve this much.

_"I'll let you go, go celebrate, okay? I'll see you soon. Love you."_

"Me too," Jihoon replies and puts his phone away, sees Seungkwan come to him.

"Hyung..."

Jihoon hums, looking up at him. He's nervous, biting his lip, crossing his arms.

"I need your help."

"What's up, Seungkwan-ah?"

He sits down at the kitchen table across from Jihoon, looks around. There's nobody there, everybody either sleeping or in the bathroom, but he looks again.

"I... might have made a mistake. A big one."

"What is it?" Jihoon raises an eyebrow, sees him bite his lip, like he does when he's really nervous.

"I might have kissed Hansol."

"You did?" Jihoon replies, slightly taken aback. He didn't think any of them would act on it. "When?"

"Today. After we got off the stage, I was excited, and he was close to me, and I thought he looked at my lips and he wanted it too..." he rushes through his answer, increasingly panicked. "I just did. I kissed him and then ran when I realized it."

"Seungkwan-ah..."

"I know. I know it was dumb, and I don't care if he doesn't like me back, I've lived with that for years, but I... I can't see our friendship ruined, hyung. What do I do?"

He's not crying. Normally, Seungkwan would be because he is a crier, but he's so frantic, so fearful of this being the end of the closest relationship he has he can't even cry. It's easy for Jihoon to tell; Seungkwan and Hansol always take care of each other much more than anyone else, and share a bond that's hardly common, going even beyond friendship or love.

"It's okay, Kwannie. It's okay, your friendship will definitely not be ruined over this. Did you talk to him?"

"No. I've avoided him since we came back. Should I talk to him? What do I say?" He bites his lip, the distress obvious in the furrow of his eyebrows.

"You should. Hansol cares so much about you, your friendship will not be ruined no matter what. It's alright. He'll understand, and you'll be able to work through it if he doesn't feel the same way. And if he does, you can also work through that. Just tell him why you did it, and how you feel."

"Does he? What if he doesn't, and I've completely ruined it?"

"You haven't. You have one of the strongest bonds I've ever seen. You'll be alright. Go talk to him, be honest. I'll take Soonyoung to my room so you can talk now."

"Hyung... If... Just if something happens. Is that alright?"

Jihoon curls up the corner of his mouth, smiles at Seungkwan. His group has to be the most difficult in this industry, for sure.

"It will be alright. You know it will be hard, but it will be alright."

\---

Jihoon puts his fingerprint on the reader and the glass doors open so he can walk to Seungcheol. He's in a lounge chair with a glass of wine, and Jihoon walks silently to his side.

"Why do rich people like views and infinity pools in their houses that much? It looks great, but isn't it scary? You could fall, or hit the edge. I never understood that."  
  
Seungcheol turns his head to him, chuckles. He switches his glass of wine in his left hand, gives Jihoon a hand which he takes until Seungcheol pulls him to sit between his legs. Jihoon rests with his back against his chest, feels Seungcheol's arm wrap around his waist and his palm rest on his stomach on top of his shirt.

"Hmm. Maybe it's because you feel like you're on top of the world. It helps to remember that."

"Everywhere the sun shines is yours, right?"

"Not only where the sun shines. Especially where the moon glows too," Seungcheol whispers, kisses his cheek. Jihoon hums and looks at Seoul, the entirety of it below them, tips his head back on Seungcheol's shoulder to kiss him.

\---

Jihoon lounges on Seungcheol's expensive sheets in his old stage costume he's got the permission to take home with the promise to take care of it, the blazer already gone and his shirt half-unbuttoned because of Seungcheol, his gaze inviting. He feels different. He's felt different since he walked into the house and realized it feels like home. He's felt different, walking out into the balcony, seeing Seungcheol lounging with a glass of wine and in his chair, his eyes closed, like the epitome of luxury. He's felt different looking down at the view, somehow not feeling scared or overwhelmed for once. He's felt in control.

He _feels_ in control, feels like teasing Seungcheol, he feels like drawing things out, slow and purposeful. He feels _sexy,_ and he wants Seungcheol to see it. He wants Seungcheol to turn him on, to turn his world upside down tonight. He _needs him._

He thinks Seungcheol can see it, kneeling on the bed and running a hand over his clothed leg, up to his thigh.

"Isn't this what you wore on stage?"

"A few weeks ago, yes."

"I was wondering how they let you out like this."

"Why?"

"You look deadly."

"Hmm," Jihoon smirks. It's rare that the confidence he has on stage carries through like this, Jihoon can admit. But when it does, he likes taking advantage of it.

"I have something for you," he says and pulls a box from the nightstand. Jihoon gets up, sitting on the bed, Seungcheol sitting down next to him.

When he opens it, the diamonds stare at him first, and then the leather. It seems to be a belt or something, long and thin, but then Jihoon realizes it's a [_choker._](https://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/p/fallon-leather-wrap-choker-w-baguette-crystals-clear-prod125340761?parentId=cat565700&icid=&searchType=EndecaDrivenCat&rte=%252Fcategory.service%253FitemId%253Dcat565700%2526pageSize%253D120%2526No%253D0%2526Ns%253DPCS_SORT%2526refinements%253D&eItemId=prod125340761&cmCat=product) One that wraps around his neck.

"How much was this?"

"Not expensive."

"Will Naver say the same thing?" he asks, but the visual of it is leaving Jihoon with something settling in his stomach.

"Yeah. Maybe. Depends on what your definition is."

Jihoon looks at it, takes it in his hand. It feels... sturdy. Luxurious and soft, not even to mention the diamonds which must be _real,_ but also... durable. Jihoon licks his lips, bites his tongue, looks up at Seungcheol.

"Wanna put it on me?"

"Do you have to ask?" Seungcheol takes it from him, and Jihoon arches his head back, presents his neck to him, his mouth open, expecting.

Seungcheol puts the diamonds against his Adam's apple, reaches back, brings it back to the front.

"Tighter," Jihoon demands, and Seungcheol pulls at it a little, brings it back and to the front again, and once more.

"Tighter," Jihoon repeats, and Seungcheol raises his eyebrows.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

Seungcheol pulls at the two ends until the choker sits just barely a little bit more snug against Jihoon's neck, without digging into his skin much. It's tighter than he'd ever wear one for a performance or something, but he's not performing now.

Or maybe he is, but it's a different kind of performance.

Whatever it is, it settles deep in his stomach, the feeling, his body startling when Seungcheol presses a finger on his windpipe to keep the knot he makes there while he neatly tightens the bow.

"Fuck," he exclaims, running a finger over the leather, over Jihoon's neck, biting his lip. When his eyes snap to Jihoon's, his hand wraps around Jihoon's neck, pressing the choker into his skin. "Baby, _god."_

Jihoon takes his bottom lip between his teeth, his hooded eyes looking into Seungcheol's as he moves back down, resting his head on the pillow. Seungcheol's hand follows and then lets go, but Jihoon doesn't wait to do what he wants to do. His fingers wrap around Seungcheol's wrist, bringing his hand to his mouth, so Jihoon can wrap his lips around his index and middle fingers, taking them into his mouth.

Seungcheol outright moans as Jihoon licks between them, taking them deeper, his eyes not wavering from Seungcheol's for a second. He moves his lips down, down, until they're fully in his mouth and his gag reflex is almost triggered, sucking his cheeks in.

He wants to paint that picture for Seungcheol. He wants him to let go with him, not be able to control himself. So he moans around his fingers, closes his eyes and lets him imagine, teases the visual out of him.

He knows when he got it. He knows when Seungcheol takes his fingers out of Jihoon's mouth and Jihoon opens his eyes to see Seungcheol move down to his shirt, tug all the buttons open and slip it past his shoulders. His pants go next as well, leaving Jihoon in only his underwear. And the choker.

Seungcheol doesn't speak when he moves his lips over Jihoon's chest, over his navel, to his hips, sucking bruises on the pale skin of his thighs. Jihoon's not recording anymore, but even if he was, he wouldn't mind the subtle reminder that something is with him. Plus, the feeling is amazing.

Seungcheol knows how to tease, loves to worship every single part of Jihoon's body, it seems. If in other nights he'd feel self-conscious, wriggling for him to stop, embarrassed when he wouldn't, tonight... Tonight he arches on the bed, tries to imagine the patterns Seungcheol's fingers draw on his skin, lets the goosebumps on his skin make him shiver.

Seungcheol eventually pulls off to remove his clothes too, leaving himself only in underwear and pulling Jihoon's off, who's already kind of hard. Not that Seungcheol isn't. Jihoon touches him, traces the tattoo on his left side.

"Fuck me," he asks, his voice rough, not betraying any of what he feels. And he sees the same in Seungcheol.

"Turn around. Hands and knees," he throws, powerful but a bit affected, and Jihoon figures disagreeing is not worth it. So he does turn, raises himself up on his knees, his upper chest and his face turned into the pillows, waiting for him to do something.

Seungcheol _spanks him._ His hand comes down hard on Jihoon's ass, and the surprise makes him twitch and curse.

 _"Hyung,"_ he whispers, a bit affected.

Seungcheol spanks him again and again, Jihoon whining at how serious he is about it, how it _aches._

"Be good," he whispers to Jihoon, his hand rubbing over his sensitive skin before his hand comes down on him again, and if Jihoon didn't tell him that he liked it, he's sure he would've lost himself a little at how Seungcheol is playing with him. But he does, and they've done it before, and Jihoon can only focus on the fact that it hurts _really good._

And then he stops, moves around, before Jihoon can feel his tongue on him, and moans so loud he startles himself. It's unexpected, Seungcheol's hands spreading him so he has better access, licking over his rim and pushing his tongue inside, the most ridiculously amazing feeling ever. He's way too good at it, knows just how to do it, pulling away and sliding one finger and the second almost right away into Jihoon. It hurts but not really because Jihoon is so used to it by now, to taking him, to the little bit of pain, and he's gentle, slow until he's so deep, hitting Jihoon's spot on the first few shallow thrusts. It's illegal, how well he knows Jihoon's body, knows how much he can take and when and what he likes, when he likes it.

Right now, he likes _that,_ the drag of Seungcheol's fingers inside him, his tongue licking around them. Likes the stretch, the vague feeling of the burn, likes how dirty he feels, bent over for him.

Likes the silence too, no words needed besides their heavy breaths, Seungcheol's kisses on his lower back as he adds another finger, really stretching Jihoon around them, but not enough to make Jihoon even close to coming. It's just playing, just teasing.

Until Seungcheol's hand moves up, up, between Jihoon's shoulder blades, and two of his fingers slide under the choker, pulling at it enough to dig into Jihoon's neck, and then it's not playing anymore. Now it's serious, Seungcheol's intentional thrusts inside him, hitting his spot, him crooking his fingers to pull at the tight choker even further.

Jihoon coughs, the surprise tightening on his windpipe barely enough to do anything but press, but it's enough for him to twitch, suddenly way more sensitive, way more turned on. Seungcheol has no mercy on him, his fingers thrusting harder, pressing deeper, and oh god. Jihoon really didn't know what he was getting into.

The metal on the back of the diamonds digs into his neck the most, probably leaving little marks, and Jihoon is sold. Sold on this idea, sold on Seungcheol pulling at the choker until Jihoon gets up, kneeling with his back to his chest.

"Oh my god oh, oh, hyung," he moans on a particularly deep stroke, that shoots up his spine, at the same time Seungcheol puts his hand on his throat.

"Color?"

"Green, green. Choke me, please, fuck," he whispers, nodding.

"Hand on my arm." Jihoon hears him, puts his hand over Seungcheol's arm like they talked about, to squeeze if he needs him to let go, an additional alternative to their safeword, although he knows he won't need it. Except it's even stranger, feeling Seungcheol tighten his arm, and it's so much like he imagined it and nothing at all.

Seungcheol barely presses his thumb and his fingers on the sides of Jihoon's neck, so he doesn't cut off his airflow, but still make him feel the pressure, just a slight touch from his palm on his actual windpipe. And he _feels it._

The moans he lets out are not quiet by far, the drag of Seungcheol's fingers inside him slower, more paced down. He presses harder and lets go for a few seconds, so Jihoon feels the ghosts of his touch still on his neck, leaning his head back on Seungcheol's shoulder.

"Good?" He whispers to him, his voice rough with pleasure, and Jihoon nods.

"Yeah," he breathes out, his entire body feeling so sensitive to every touch.

"Can I make you come like this?" He asks with a pointed drag of his fingers on his spot, and he could. He really could.

"You can fuck me, you know? It will be alright. You're not actually choking me."

"I'd rather not. Not the first time."

His hand rests on Jihoon's chest, just below his neck, and Jihoon can't argue with him.

"Fine. Then do it harder."

For some reason, he doesn't argue that too, bites at Jihoon's ear and crooks his fingers into his spot, his hand going back around Jihoon's neck, pressing the choker in. The feeling of the leather on his skin is unlike anything else, and Seungcheol pressing the little diamonds over his Adam's apple drives him insane. This time, when he tightens his hand, he presses it just a bit more, just enough for Jihoon to actually breathe a tad harder and he gasps, Seungcheol immediately letting go.

"Do it again. Please," Jihoon rasps, and Seungcheol obliges, tightening his hand again but not letting go, his fingers dragging inside Jihoon, and even though he's barely done anything, Jihoon is so close to coming it's ridiculous. He loves it, loves Seungcheol being able to do this and Jihoon still feeling like he's in control.

He alternates between tightening his hand and letting go with quicker thrusts inside Jihoon, and Jihoon twitches in his grip, the pleasure building inside him. He gets a hand on himself, tugging at his cock slowly, but it doesn't take long and he already feels on edge, little whines coming out of him.

"Come, baby," Seungcheol whispers and Jihoon cannot hold back anymore, lets go to the feeling while Seungcheol keeps his hand tight on his neck, and comes so hard the world goes black in front of his eyes for a few seconds, the pleasure washing over him in waves. His orgasm lasts forever, making a mess of himself and the bed, but he's so content he can barely move.

Seungcheol kisses his neck, the hand around him resting on his chest again and pulling him in close, and drags his fingers out of him slowly, so Jihoon doesn't feel it too strongly. And then Jihoon looks back at him from over his shoulder so Seungcheol kisses him, the angle awkward, but still soft.

"Wanna ride you."

"Now?"

"Yes. Now," he says and throws the pillows on the floor, pulls Seungcheol until he's laying against the headboard and Jihoon settles into his lap, grinding down against him, their chests touching.

"Fuck, baby," Seungcheol whispers, his eyes wide. Jihoon bites his lip, opens the lube and reaches back to tug at Seungcheol's cock, lining himself up and dropping down slowly. It hurts just a little because he's too sensitive, knows he won't come again, but he wants to make Seungcheol feel good too, as good as he made Jihoon feel.

And by the looks of it, he is, Seungcheol crooking a finger under his choker again and pulling Jihoon in to kiss him, moaning on his lips. Jihoon puts a hand in his hair, tugs at it until Seungcheol leans his head back and Jihoon can kiss down his neck, leaving little bites that won't leave marks.

Seungcheol groans when Jihoon shifts his hips in a certain way, so he does it again. "I'm so close, Jihoon-ah, so close."

Jihoon bounces on him quicker, hearing Seungcheol's moans and whispers of his name get faster, Seungcheol putting his hands on his hips to help him.

"I'll..." he starts, to get Jihoon's permission, he knows, and Jihoon nods.

"Do it," Jihoon says and kisses him, muffling Seungcheol's moans with his mouth when he comes deep inside Jihoon, and Jihoon feels it like always.

"It's been years since I lasted this short," he remarks when he's come down, chuckling, and Jihoon chuckles too.

"I'm gonna take that as a compliment."

"Do," Seungcheol nods, kisses him again, and Jihoon grinds down just a little, switches his position, and hears him moan.

"Okay, okay, too much," he says quickly, so Jihoon slowly moves away. "Wanna clean up? Do you have enough energy?"

"If you carry me there, then maybe."

"Sure," he chuckles, and his hands move up Jihoon's chest to his neck. "Can I take it off?"

Jihoon nods, feels Seungcheol pull at the little bow until it comes off, unraveling the choker. Jihoon didn't realize how tight it was until it's gone.

"God, I'm sorry," Seungcheol says, his eyes apologetic, and Jihoon narrows his eyes.

"Why?"

"It dug into your skin a little."

"I know. I wanted it to. It's fine, it'll go away."

"Next time, maybe not this tight."

"No. It was fine," Jihoon says, and pulls at Seungcheol. Next time. He won't think about that now. "Let's go shower. I want to lay in bed and do nothing."

Seungcheol lets himself be pulled up, but when they get up, Jihoon more feels than sees him pick him up from the floor.

"You said you wanted me to carry you," he chuckles, and Jihoon hits him, burying his face in his chest because this is a little embarrassing. But it's Seungcheol, so he figures there's nothing to actually be embarrassed about.

\---

"You're different," Seungcheol says, caressing a knuckle over Jihoon's cheek a few days after. Jihoon doesn't say anything, looks up at him with big eyes that make Seungcheol weak in the knees. Jihoon _is_ different tonight. Has been for a few days, ever since that night a few days ago. He's way more self-assured, way more confident. But tonight it's something else too.

"Do I deserve to be here? Do I deserve to have you?" He's serious in asking, his voice flat.

Seungcheol's taken aback, his mouth opening.

"It's me that doesn't deserve you. Not you me."

"Answer my question."

"Of course you do. You do deserve this, and way more," he says, putting his hand on Jihoon's hip.

"Am I your whore? That you're going to get rid of when it's not convenient for you anymore? When you need to move on to your real responsibilities?"

Seungcheol's eyes narrow at him, his expression changing.

"No. Of course you are not. I am basically crossing my entire family for us, and you think that? Why do you even have to ask?" Seungcheol knows he's not serious, but there's something there.

"So then why did someone tell me I am?"

Of course. He thinks he knows what this is about.

"Who did?"

"I don't know. Someone from your past."

Seungcheol frowns. More than whatever he was told, the way Jihoon's acted recently tells him way more. He's picked up something from Seungcheol's world, some degree of shrewdness, of confidence, of self-assurance; he's not questioning his relationship with Seungcheol like before, even if he's telling him stuff like this. He knows who he is, and now he can _use it._  Why that shift and whether it's a bad thing or whether it actually fits in with Jihoon's personality, that remains to be seen. He can deal with the rest until then.

"Show me."

Jihoon pulls his phone out, hands it to Seungcheol and in his text messages, not in his Kakao, there's a message.

_'You should know better than to play with fire. You don't deserve anything, Lee Jihoon, you're just his whore, and he's going to get rid of you when he decides he's done playing, like he did to me. Don't ever forget that. Back away while you still can, before you'll get burned.'_

Seungcheol huffs, disgusted. He hates these kinds of things, finds them so low.

"This is not someone only from my past. This is also someone from my present."

"How do you know?"

"This is coming from the US. Not from Korea," he hands Jihoon his phone back. "It's from my brother. Or someone next to him."

"How do you know?" Jihoon narrows his eyes at him.

"The Korean. Read it carefully. It sounds off, like the sentence structure is mixed with English. Plus the number; it's a hidden number, because I bet you that country code doesn't exist. You can't do that on Korean cellphones." He pauses. "Plus... a part of it is the truth. I got rid of him a while ago. He was counting on you not to show me the text and actually back away. He doesn't know I came out to my family with you, he thinks you're not there with me yet. Because he's not involved in my family anymore."

"It's weird that you knew so quick that it was from him."

"I was expecting it. I knew he inquired about me. And you. I have friends where he works, you see, friends that know a lot and tell me what they know. I waited to see what he would do; I didn't think he'd do it so soon though."

"So you trusted me to show this to you?"

"Yeah. I did," he smiles.

Jihoon grabs his chin in his hand.

"I don't like it when people try to mess with me, or the people I love. But what I also hate is not knowing who I'm fighting against. I could have not shown this to you, and I could've listened. _Do not_ keep me in the dark, Seungcheol. Otherwise, I'll think you're testing me."

"I'm not testing you. I just didn't know if he'd have the guts to say something to you; I knew he wouldn't do anything severe, but I increased protection, and I knew you'd show it to me if he did anyway."

Jihoon sighs with a large breath and drops his hand, sitting next to him on the couch.

"Why are we running into the same problem all over again, Seungcheol? Something happening and you not telling me?"

"I'm not doing it on purpose. You're learning a lot about our work anyway, and you're so busy with your comebacks and your group, and putting so much effort into learning, that it would be unreasonable for me to tell you everything that's happening, Jihoon-ah. It would be too much."

"I told you that I'm here for you. I don't want to be the kind of partner that stays in the sidelines and knows nothing about what you do."

"You're not. You're not, Jihoon-ah. You are learning! But it's a lot of information though, and you can't learn everything right away. You can't worry about everything that I worry about just because I do this full time, and you don't. It's alright. It'd really be too much."

He turns to Seungcheol, his eyes narrowing.

"I told you that I want this, no matter how hard it is. That I want it _all._ This," he shakes his phone and drops it back on the couch. " _This_ was important. I'm just going to say you made an error in judgment not telling me, because I can't imagine you don't trust me. But you made an error in judgment of something that is _important,_ and what if this happens again, and I don't know?"

"I'm telling you now; I _trusted_ you to tell me if it happened, and you did, and we talked about it. If it happens again, I still trust you. But I can't put you through that constantly, Jihoon-ah. You have your life."

"Why are you trying to coddle me again?" He turns, his tone rising.

"I'm not!" Seungcheol throws. "I'm not. You always tell me to listen to you, and I do, but do you ever listen to me, Jihoon-ah? I don't want you to know everything because I don't want you to have to deal with everything! I'm trying to protect you, because you have a life out there; this is a slow process, getting used to it all, and I don't want you to collapse from trying to take on too much. Just being an idol is insane, your schedule is insane! You barely sleep, you have meetings, performances, you write all the time, you're so busy, that when I see you, I just want you to relax, I don't want to add more to your plate! It would kill me to unload this all on you while you are so stressed."

Jihoon huffs, blinking at him.

"I don't need you to tell me everything about the minutes of what you do. I don't need you to send me all the reports of whatever business there is, I don't need to deal with all that, that's true. But I need to know when there's something big that could threaten the whole family, or that could threaten _us._ You're skipping important things, Seungcheol. I know you're used to being alone in what you do, or being with Jeonghan and Jisoo who know how everything is going better than me, and who do this full time, but you said it yourself: I don't. So that's exactly why you need to tell me. Don't assume I know."

"I'm not. Just..."

"For god's sake, Seungcheol, how many times do I have to say I'm with you in this? How many more times?" He almost shouts, the sudden frustration in his voice hitting Seungcheol. Seungcheol swallows, bites at his lip.

"I just... I just don't want you to be hurt."

Jihoon shakes his head, comes closer and puts a hand on his cheek.

"You're not protecting me. You're not helping me. Do you know how torn I was when I got that message three days ago? It took me _three days,_ Seungcheol, to be able to come to you with it."

Seungcheol had noticed.

"Three days, and I felt so bad during all of it, thinking maybe they were right. Maybe you say things now, and in a while, when it gets hard, maybe you won't feel the way you do now. Because you're not letting me in, you're not letting me actually get to you. You're the opposite of what people expect, you know? You tell me you love me, and you're so open with what I mean to you, but then you won't let me in to your work, what you do, what is going on, your _life._ So maybe I thought that even if you love me now, that could be temporary. You putting that damn choker on me felt so good and I wanted it so bad, but then after getting that text the day after, for the first time since we've ever had sex since... I've known, I felt thrown off. Right when I finally felt in control of what I felt and who I was to you, I was forced to reconsider what it meant, that maybe it was something of you controlling me and maybe I just saw it wrong, and I _did_ give in, and I _was_ something like your whore, and nothing else."

Seungcheol's mouth opens in shock.

"It's a stupid thought, and I _know_ it's a stupid thought, but you don't get how thrown off I was by that, enough for these dumb thoughts to get to me. I'm feeling so alienated from everything, Seungcheol, that this text was enough to have me reconsider what the hell I'm actually doing here, and what _you_ want me to do here."

"Jihoon-ah..."

"I know you say you trust me. And I know you do. But you have to show it, you have to make it _mean_ something. I can't live with doing things halfway, with not knowing what is going on. If you don't understand that, then you don't understand me, Seungcheol," he finishes, dropping his hand. His eyes are burning, and Seungcheol wants to apologize, but he finds himself not able to.

"So what am I supposed to do then? Am I supposed to just call you at random times during the day to update you on things? To tell you what's going on? To tell you issues, or ridiculous stuff that is happening? You're too busy."

"Don't exaggerate. I'm not asking you to do that, although you can text me or whatever, and I'll read them, and I'll file them there, in my brain, trying to make sense of it all and gain footing. Or when I come here, we can talk about it instead of talking about me and my days that are all the same or watching mindless shows to relax. We'll make time. I just need to know what's going wrong, no matter when. I'll make time, and you're not burdening me."

"Jihoon-ah..." Seungcheol thinks, swallows, turns his eyes around and back to him. "I'm worried about you. That's why I'm not telling you much. I'm worried about how much you'll be able to take."

Jihoon nods. "I know that from the outside the idol life seems taxing. But the sleepless nights and the performances aren't what gets to you. What gets to you is being on uneven ground, being unsure. I'm unsure about my group's future, I'm unsure about Soonyoung, I'm unsure about myself sometimes, I can't be unsure about you. Do you get it? I need you to be my stability, not to coddle me. I need all of you, and I need you to let me give you all of me."

Seungcheol closes his eyes.

"I..."

"No, Seungcheol. I need you to. Please."

He opens his eyes, takes in Jihoon's expression, that turned from almost angry to raw, pleading. Seungcheol hates to see it in him. Hates it so much, because it's so unfamiliar, so off on his face.

"I'll be more open. But you have to promise me you'll tell me if it's too much, okay? Please don't overdo yourself."

"I can take it."

"No, Jihoon-ah. Don't think like that," he puts his hands on his cheeks, gets his eyes on him. "If you think like that, you'll push past your limits. Take it slow. Be smart. We're all human. And we have time."

"I will. I promise."

Seungcheol nods, and Jihoon nods too.

"And don’t ever, _ever_ think that you are nothing to me again. I love you, and that won’t change. No matter what happens to this damn family or whatever. I do.” He does. In these past months, he’s gotten to see he loves him so much it’s paralyzing, a feeling stronger than he’s ever felt before. He knows it won’t change.

Jihoon breathes in and nods. “I know. It was dumb. I’m sorry.”

"I’m _so_ sorry too. Come here," Seungcheol whispers, and hugs Jihoon close, buries his face in his neck, feels him wrap his hands tight around his back. He doesn't deserve him. He really doesn't deserve him. Seungcheol is a fool.

\---

"Do you think we're making a mistake, Wonwoo-ya? Telling them things, letting them in?"

"I've always thought love makes you weak. I still think the same. I'm just thinking if it's a weakness worth having." Wonwoo nods, and Seungcheol takes his eyes away from him.

"Hmm," he nods, thumbs through the papers on his desk. Jihoon demands; he demands Seungcheol lets him know, he demands Seungcheol opens up, he demands Seungcheol lets him in. But he doesn't demand love, that's for sure. That Seungcheol gives up himself.

So maybe it's understandable that Jihoon wants all of him. Maybe by trying to think of him, Seungcheol is just selfish, and forgets to actually consider what Jihoon's feeling. And Jihoon won't let himself be controlled or coddled, that's for sure.

Seungcheol doesn't think love makes you weak. He just thinks it's hard, that it needs a lot, that he must open up parts of himself he didn't even know he kept hidden. But if he does, if he shares them with him, he knows it'll just be someone else to hold them up with him. It's just the difficulty of opening them up in the first place, the fear of placing too big of a burden on someone else.

But Seungcheol is not an irrational person, so he has to get over his fears.

"Are you two having issues?" Wonwoo asks, flat as ever.

"Not quite. I think I'm having issues."

"Hmm," Wonwoo nods, and Seungcheol sighs. Out of all people, he wouldn't think he'd open up in front of Wonwoo.

"He wants to know things. And I don't know how to tell them to him. Like how this family works, and what I plan to do, and strategy, and issues... It's a lot, I don't know where to start, and I don't know how he'll take it."

"He asked you? To know all of this?"

"Yes."

"I think we're having completely opposite problems, Seungcheol-ah. I want to tell him, but he never asks," Wonwoo says, and Seungcheol looks up at him.

"Why doesn't Soonyoung ask?"

"Because I think he's afraid of what he'll find. And so, I think you are afraid of what Jihoon might find."

Seungcheol's eyes widen.

"Am I right? You're not telling him because you know how it is. Because we've been brought up here, but he hasn't. He doesn't know how dark or how terrible it can be."

Seungcheol pauses. Is that it?

"Maybe..." He admits, and sighs. "I've gone through this when everybody told me to tell him, and let him decide if he wants to be with me. I did, and I was horrified of what would happen if he said no, and horrified of what would happen if he said yes. He said yes, and came back... and now it's my turn to be horrified of the consequences."

"He needs to understand how things are truly like now, Seungcheol. If you go on, it will only get harder to face him with that truth."

"So I should tell him? I should tell him that I'm planning to kill dozens of people, that this family is going to see bloodshed like it never has, and see its worst betrayal turned on to its head?" Seungcheol asks, his eyes widening and leaning on to his desk. "I should tell him the nastiest things that we go through, I should tell him how every single day at this desk I have to read about innocent people getting beaten, raped, attacked, overdosing on drugs, from our people and others, and having to figure out a solution to it all, or worse, give it up when there is no solution, when they're already dead, or when it's too dangerous to intervene right away? I should tell him how fucking messed up this is, and how much goes through my head when I make a decision? Or I should tell him about how insensitive I've gotten to things, that sometimes I don't even flinch at it all?"

Wonwoo's eyes widen, his careful composure breaking. Seungcheol feels like he's breaking too.

"I can barely admit it to myself. How should I say it to him? How can I tell him how _bad_ I am? How can I tell him I can't become good, that this is who I have to be?"

Wonwoo breathes in, breathes out, sighs. Seungcheol's gotten to him too.

"Just tell him. If he leaves, he leaves, and you get over it. If he stays, there's nothing left for you to be afraid of. You owe that much to yourself and to him."

\---

Wonwoo leaves, and Seungcheol knows that despite how he feels, there are duties he has to do. He can't let Jihoon get into his head all the time.

So he goes through the documents on his step-mother's family, on the members connected to the family. He can't delay this anymore. But before then, he finds the number Junhui texted to him, that he thinks is his brother's. He doesn't doubt it is. He sighs and picks up his phone, opens his texts. 

 _'You're not supposed to use your name, do you know that,_ hyung? _With your name come consequences, and I don't think you're ready for them.'_

\---

"Why? Why did you push me back then to work with him, Soonyoung-ah?" Wonwoo asks him back at his apartment, sees Soonyoung's eyes widen. Ever since talking to Seungcheol, he's thought about it so many times. Thought of why Soonyoung seems to have one foot in and one foot out in their relationship this entire time. Why he can't admit the things Wonwoo does, and why he stays at the same time.

"I... I just thought it's probably the right thing for you to do. You were so down for so long, it was clear that there was something there, and you wanted to return, maybe, even if he had hurt you. Even if I didn't agree, if you thought of it differently, if you had another perspective to push you, you would do it, and I really pitied seeing you like that..."

"You pitied me?" Wonwoo interrupts him, his tone shocked. What did he say?

"I..."

"You pitied me?"

"I felt bad for the way that things happened, and it wasn't right. Maybe that's not what I meant, I just didn't want to see you like that."

"Soonyoung-ah." The shock freezes Wonwoo. He really didn't think he would. He was bad, he knows, and he relied on Soonyoung way more than he should have, but to hear that Soonyoung _pitied_ him is maybe the worst feeling of all.

"No worries, I'm leaving. I'm sorry."

Wonwoo doesn't stop him. He doesn't feel betrayed because he knows he was bad. He just feels sorry. Maybe for himself, maybe for how things turned out.

\---

Seungcheol takes days to think, but when Jihoon comes by next time, Seungcheol can't do anything without him knowing, the need to tell him paralyzing him. So he sits Jihoon down on his couch in his bedroom, and Seungcheol turns to him.

"You asked me if I've ever killed someone," he starts, breathing in. "I have. Dozens, maybe hundreds of people. I have a book with all of their names. I don't count them."

Jihoon's eyes widen.

"Indirectly? Probably thousands. How many more have I seen die? How many more deaths have I seen pass across my desk, as a problem I have to solve, or as merely someone letting me know? Other thousands, if not more. How many have I seen hurt, or had to figure out how to stop them from getting hurt? Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands. My father and I invested tens of billions of won in stopping missiles and hiding the actions of North Korean spies on South Korean cities since the sunshine period, saving maybe entire cities, and some of us were in diplomacy missions with the North when things escalated. At the same time, I have had entire drug gangs and many of their families killed or made to disappear when they distributed drugs where they shouldn't. My family made money from the wars in the Middle East before we backed out, and then we supported democratic regimes and aid missions in Africa. We have personally staffed and trained missions to kill North leaders, but also built schools and created scholarships for Northern refugees in the South." Seungcheol stops, takes in Jihoon's shocked expression.

"You know I have to take revenge against my step-mother. I have to get rid of her entire family's involvement in my family, which means maybe hundreds of people, as it's shaping up to be. Hundreds of firms and factories which will be left without owners, hundreds of families left without mothers and fathers, people losing jobs, entire villages in disarray. And after I do that, I have to put them back, ensure that they keep going and they are alright. I have to destroy something, and then build it back. This is what I do on a constant basis. I destroy the people who are bad, and try to build something good.

Does that make me good? _No._ It makes me bad too. It makes me terrible to my core, Jihoon-ah, because I've seen the worst things in the world and got used to them, and no matter if the end result is better than what you found it as, you have to fight fire with fire. I have to fight that fire with maybe an even bigger fire, and constantly do terrible things."

Seungcheol breathes in, steels himself.

"This is what I do, Jihoon-ah. I'm telling you because I can't not tell you anymore, that's clear. But do you see why I don't want you to constantly have to deal with this shit? At this point... I'm not sure if you'll want to deal with this at all, and even so, I have to tell you."

Jihoon stays silent, his jaw locking. Seungcheol's dread rises up in his chest, a feeling so unfamiliar it makes him almost scared. If he has to have a weakness, it makes sense it is him.

"I asked you to tell me this, didn't I? Why did you think I'd leave?"

Seungcheol slowly shakes his head. "You can't just stay because of what you feel for me."

"Aren't you underestimating me? Why do you always assume there's something deeper about you, something more dreadful that will make me leave?"

"Because you should. I don't know why the fuck you're still here anyway."

Jihoon huffs. "You fucking _idiot._ If you hate yourself, it doesn't mean everybody does. It doesn't mean I do."

"Why don't you? Why don't you hate the fact that the hands I used to take someone's life I put on you? Because if I think about it, I do. I hate it." He does. Every time Jihoon is not here, he thinks about it, and then maybe hates himself more the next time when he realizes he can't hold himself back. He's managed to hide it from Jihoon and maybe even from himself until now, but now he maybe can't anymore.

"Stop, or I will hit you to make you come back to your senses," Jihoon huffs again. "I told Soonyoung once, a few months ago, that I'm okay with people, with you, killing for me. I told him I'm okay with it because it's probably not for any irrational reason. Why wouldn't that apply to this city, to this country or more at large? Have you ever killed just for wanting to, have you ever killed for something that was not a larger reason?"

"No," Seungcheol says, and he's honest. He hates taking lives. He always has.

"We can talk more about what I think is good and bad. But you see, I don't think that everything good always has to win and everything bad always has to disappear; I think that there are layers to everything. I think that what others think is bad is mostly subjective, but I do also think that sometimes, some people must disappear for the wellbeing of others," Jihoon says calmly, once he gathers himself and gets over his initial shock. It's Seungcheol's turn to be shocked. "I never had to sleep with people when I was a trainee, never had to go that far because Pledis knew they'd debut me. But I was one of the few trainees who'd debut who went to parties anyway, because I was small and looked innocent. I had to stay around poker tables in someone's lap with a cloud of smoke around me. I saw some other trainees around me take lines of cocaine or pills on their tongue that I cannot even name; I had to refuse them, keep my jaw clenched when I was almost forced to take them. I had to escape by jumping from bathroom windows a couple of times. I saw trainees get dragged into dirty bathrooms at clubs clearly without consent, I saw Minghao and one of our other trainees come back to the dorm with bruises and scars on their bodies. I heard of underage trainees being kicked out for getting pregnant, I heard Junhui argue with Pledis back then about Minghao, I heard him describe to him in detail what Minghao actually went through. I had to see what Soonyoung went through because of the whims of someone else.

All of these people... all of these people that caused those things, I'd _gladly_ see them dead. And I'd have no remorse. Because I know some people are bad to their core, and do things like these for their own pleasure. And I know others facilitate these things, and they're as bad."

Seungcheol's shocked. Shocked that he had to go through that himself, shocked at how easily he can talk about it. Jihoon's  _strong._

"You're not one of those people. You don't kill for your own pleasure. These bad people won't disappear, but you can help contain them, make some people's lives better, even if not yours. It'd be foolish to say it's a sacrifice, but it's something of that. These people you kill because you have to, and some decisions you make might be wrong, but none of these make you a bad person to your core. I am here not to judge you for what you do, but to be another person which will help you make the right ones. If there's pain involved in this, if you hate yourself, I'm not here to add to that hate. I'm here to help take it away, because you have a responsibility I want to share in. And if I ever hate myself, I know you'd do the same to me."

Seungcheol picks his jaw up from the floor. Metaphorically.

"Jihoon-ah... How..."

"I'm still struggling with all this, don't get me wrong. And I think I always will, but that's not a bad thing. Getting comfortable means being ignorant, that's what I learned. But fuck, you don't get to deny yourself of having love or having happiness just because these are the things you do. I won't allow it. If you don't think I'm capable of that, then you still don't know me, Seungcheol."

"I'm starting to think I really don't," Seungcheol nods his head, shaken to his core. Jihoon still surprises him. Every time, something about him surprises him.

"That's okay. But if I once more have to hear about how you want me to leave because I can't deal with all of this, I will force you back to your senses. I've had enough. I won't leave because of what you do; I'll leave if I see you honestly don't want me here."

"Okay," Seungcheol nods. "I... don't think I have any reason to say it anymore, really. And you know I never will not want you here."

"You are an idiot. But you are my idiot now, and that's it. You're stuck," Jihoon throws, still fired up, and his ears turn red, clearly not used to saying things like that.

It's alright. Seungcheol's not used to hearing them either.

"I'm sure there are worse places I could be."

\---

Seungcheol wakes up, and his clock tells him it's almost 3 AM. He takes a look at Jihoon, who's sleeping peacefully on his side, facing Seungcheol, and he detangles his legs, goes to the bathroom.

Instead of going back to bed, he finds his cigarettes and goes to the balcony. It's covered now because it's December now, but he opens one of the glass windows, lets the frigid air wash over him before he turns on the fire next to him. He lights up a cigarette, breathes it in.

Jihoon is something else, truly, his words running back in Seungcheol's mind. Hearing Jihoon's assurance doesn't mean Seungcheol doesn't hate himself anymore. That's a long road, one Seungcheol's learned to bury deep or hide when he needed to, rarely letting it come out. He doesn't ever let anyone know about it, so even if he told Jihoon, it will take more than that. But figures he has to get used to it; telling Jihoon things he's uncomfortable with. Getting comfortable means being ignorant, that's what Jihoon said, and he and Seungcheol definitely have one thing in common: hating being unknowledgeable, being blindsided. His inauguration speech was about the same thing; learning to learn yourself and admit your mistakes, to know everything about yourself. It seems like Seungcheol has many mistakes to reconsider, many things he has to change about himself.

But he figures Jihoon will actually be next to him when he does. He doesn't have reservations now.

And then, like he knew he was thinking about him, Seungcheol feels Jihoon steal the cigarette from between his fingers, sees him take a drag and sit on the chair on the opposite side from the fire. Seungcheol's eyes narrow.

"What are you doing?"

"I used to smoke too. When I was a trainee," he says, takes another drag, releases the smoke towards the window.

"Why did you stop?"

"I figured out I'd have to sing too, couldn't only compose and dance."

Jihoon passes the cigarette back to him, and Seungcheol takes it, looking at him in silence. Jihoon opens his mouth to talk.

"What's up with you?"

"Just thinking."

"About?"

"About what I have to do. About you."

"Hmm."

"I started gathering the names of people associated with my step-mother. And I texted my brother."

"What did you text him?"

"There are consequences to him using his name, and he's not ready for them."

"Are you going to get rid of him?" Jihoon asks, leaning his head on the chair and turning to him.

"No. What do you think?"

"Hmm. You shouldn't. You won't know what he wants then."

"That's what we thought too."

"Then you should find out. Get someone else to, don't get yourself involved. Find someone close to him and turn them," Jihoon says, takes his cigarette out of his hand and stubs it in the ashtray. He closes the window, and takes Seungcheol's hand, dragging him back inside. "Sleep now. More work tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The diamonds are real, so the choker is more expensive than that. Just saying.) 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this, and looking forward to your thoughts. <3


	7. i'm your ally anytime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry for the delay to this chapter, my university exams just started, and I did not have that much time. I'll always try to get chapters published on Saturday, but if I'm one or two days late, I apologize! I hope you enjoy this chapter though! <3

_'Coming over in a bit. Getting a taxi now.'_ Jihoon texts Seungcheol. He told him he might come if he finished working in the studio, and Seungcheol told him earlier to, so Jihoon doesn't wait for an answer before he orders a taxi.

The answer doesn't come, but the guard lets him in anyway because they're so used to him coming over. So Jihoon steps up to the house, and when he walks in, he hears voices from the second floor. He carefully walks up, hears multiple ones before he walks in to the room and sees people on the couch. Seungcheol spots him first, and gets up to walk to him.

"Hi, baby. Did you text? If yes, sorry, I left my phone charging in the bedroom."

"It's okay," Jihoon nods, tilts his head up to give Seungcheol a quick kiss hello.

"Sorry. I would've picked you up."

"It's fine. Don't worry. Who's here?"

"It's Jeonghan and Jisoo, Junhui, Wonwoo, and Jaehwa."

"Oh. I never met her, actually."

"You didn't?" Seungcheol asks, surprised. "Oh, okay. Come meet her then."

"I'll go drop my bag in the bedroom, wait."

"I'll come with you," Seungcheol nods and follows him.

"You don't have to..."

Seungcheol doesn't say anything though and drags him up to the bedroom, waits for Jihoon to drop off his stuff before he hugs him, his arms wrapping around Jihoon's back and bending down until his head is buried in Jihoon's hair.

"You okay?"

Seungcheol hums but doesn't let go, only hugs Jihoon tighter, so Jihoon does the same.

"Not quite," he says in Jihoon's hair, his words muffled. "Bad day."

"Is that why they're all here?"

"Mostly. We're talking through some plans. Let's go. We'll back up and explain," Seungcheol pulls away.

"Wait a second," Jihoon stops him, pulling his hand. "Before we go... Is Wonwoo off?"

"Off how?" Seungcheol quirks an eyebrow.

"I don't know. Off. Soonyoung has been driving me and everyone crazy for the past few days, so I figured something happened."

"Didn't tell me anything," Seungcheol shakes his head. "Let's keep an eye on him."

Jihoon nods, takes Seungcheol's hand and they go back down to the living room, Jihoon dropping by to get a beer before he joins them on the couch, sitting by Seungcheol.

"Jaehwa-noona, Jihoon just reminded me you've never met."

"That's true," she smiles to Jihoon. "It's nice to finally meet you, even though I feel like I know so much about you."

"Likewise. It's nice to meet you too," Jihoon says, polite, taking her in. She looks very unassuming, young and kind, her smile genuine, but Jihoon's quickly learned that's a trait of the people Seungcheol works with. You wouldn't expect any of them to be as powerful, as capable as they are. She's also older than Seungcheol, which is interesting, to say the least.

Seungcheol's told him a lot about her; that he trusts her with his businesses without any shadow of a doubt, that she's probably going to take over the firm Seungcheol was CEO of, the main investment firm. That she's married to a woman and has a young child, which Jihoon shivers at the thought of.

"We were talking about what we're planning to do with Mi-eun and her family," Jeonghan explains. "It's quite a large group of people."

Jihoon nods. "I was thinking about this when you told me about them," Jihoon points to Seungcheol. "Do you absolutely not trust any of them? Do all of them have to be killed?"

"Yeah," Seungcheol nods. "This is not a _her_ thing; this is a _her family_ thing. When she married my father, her entire family started an alliance with us. But now..."

"What I was thinking about is... Now you're the head of this family, not your father anymore. And she clearly knows that. And then, in my opinion..." Jihoon furrows his lip. He really thought a lot about this. "I think you made a mistake telling her that you knew." Ideally, Jihoon would've brought this up to Seungcheol only, because he doesn't automatically trust the people Seungcheol trusts, like Jisoo told him to. By how Seungcheol's brow raises in surprise, it would've been better not to undermine him like this here. But alas... "She clearly knows you're on to her. And yet, she's here. Does she not know what you're planning to do? Does she think you won't do it, that your father will protect her? You told me he didn't love her, but he loved your mother; she must know that too, that if your father finds out, he will want revenge too. Do you think she'd just wait there and do nothing?"

"I thought about the same thing," Jisoo interjects. "Why is she so still?"

Seungcheol huffs slightly, pursing his lips. "Of course I thought of the same thing too."

"So then why would you kill her entire family? Why not just find out what she's planning? She can't do it by herself, somebody must know."

"Wouldn't grabbing people close to her and interrogating them only tip her off too? It'd be the same thing as killing people." Junhui interjects from the couch, switching his position. "Maybe because we're so still, she is too. Us making the first move would mean setting things into motion."

"So you'd prefer she does?" Jisoo asks. "The first move always means an advantage. And it's that she might be doing the first move and we don't know."

"Me telling you that I'm not killing my brother just because I want to know what he's planning is not a thing that works with everyone," Seungcheol starts. "I _know_ my brother is planning something, but I don't think she necessarily is. There's no need for a first move."

"Why wouldn't she be?" Wonwoo interjects for the first time. "She knew my father betrayed her, of course she'd plan something to cover herself up."

"See, that's _exactly_ why I don't think she's planning something," Seungcheol points his finger to Wonwoo. "I don't think she expected your father betraying her and telling you this and setting all this off. I'm pretty sure she didn't."

"So are you saying she actually _did_ expect you to die in that mission? She made it for that purpose?" Jaehwa asks, her eyes widening in surprise. "I don't think so. I really don't think so."

"Maybe."

"Just like that? She thought she'd succeed just like that?"

"This wasn't a just like that thing. She planned it for a long time; getting Sung-ho to betray Seungcheol's father, the whole cover-up," Jeonghan says, his arm around Jisoo.

"And the best she did was switch his security staff the day of? No," Jaehwa shakes her head. "It's too sloppy and it failed too easily."

"See, that's what I thought too. So I thought that the mission wasn't to get rid of me, I am sure it was to get rid of Wonwoo's father. It was way too sloppy for an assassination attempt for me, and way too rushed. I think she got desperate when he told her he'd betray her, and she planned to get rid of him by framing it as an ambush to me. It all makes sense, because he didn't know about the ambush either. I am pretty sure he didn't choose to betray her in that moment, he was surprised too."

Jihoon takes a second to look at Wonwoo's reaction, watch him furrow his eyebrow and open his mouth to speak.

"That is true. In his letter to me, it was obvious his alliances hadn't lied with her for a while."

"Okay," Jeonghan starts. "So we've established she wasn't planning anything before Sung-ho's death. But do you think she's planning something now? I don't think so."

"If she is, it's a last-ditch attempt for her to escape. Not something that will involve her entire family. She can't leave the country, or travel on anything, I made sure of that. Following her every move." Seungcheol nods.

Jisoo shakes his head. "There's something telling me that's not it. Why did Wonwoo's father betray her then? What could've made him switch his alliances when he was with her for _20 years?"_

"I don't think he was necessarily with her for all those years," Seungcheol shakes his head. "I think he was convinced back then, but he's obviously lived with the regret for a while; he clearly realized he made a mistake."

"But then, something still set all this off. You said she was unsettled when he said he'd betray her, but if he wasn't even working with her, then why all the mess, trying to kill him?" Jisoo continues.

"I thought he just told her he'd tell me the truth, to come clean when I became the head," Seungcheol says. Jisoo purses his lips, leans back on the couch.

It makes sense. It makes a lot of sense... but Jihoon's somehow with Jisoo on this. It's too strange, Seungcheol's coming after her and told her so, and she's doing nothing.

"I think she knows she's doomed. There's a reason I told her; I wanted to see her reaction. There's no reason for us not to follow through with that."

"I don't think it's smart," Jihoon shakes his head, everyone's eyes turning to him. "You're killing dozens of people..."

"Hundreds," Jisoo interjects.

"Hundreds of people, throwing your entire family into disarray, for her."

Seungcheol furrows his eyebrows at him.

"So then what should I do? Let this go?"

"No, clearly not. But if you said she's not planning anything, why kill everyone else who's not involved? I bet you most of them didn't know. Just get rid of her and the people close to her."

"Jihoon has a point," Junhui wiggles his finger to him.

"Just think about it, if it's worth it. You're starting your leadership with a massacre of innocent people, essentially. You're going to rule by fear, and sooner or later, it will get to you in ways nobody can imagine too. Just think of how many kids like you you'd create; people who hate you for killing their mothers or fathers." Seungcheol bites his lip, his eyes fixed on Jihoon. Jihoon keeps his eyes fixed on his too; he's convinced Seungcheol's making a mistake if he decides to kill everyone around her. And he can see Seungcheol's wavering.

"If there's a bad apple, you won't cut down the whole tree," Junhui interjects.

"No. But if the root of the tree is rotten, you will."

\---

Jihoon thinks about it for a while, looks at Wonwoo's back from the kitchen. Thinks whether it would only create more trouble if he gets involved, if it would be better, if not...

But then he realizes that he's never thought like that, and these pointless hesitations are not like him. So before Wonwoo leaves, while he's putting his coat on, Jihoon goes to him.

"What's up with you and Soonyoung?"

Wonwoo turns to him, putting his hands through the sleeves.

"He doesn't want to be part of this life, so he's not."

Jihoon can smell bullshit from miles away, and this smells like exactly like it.

"Something happened. What happened?"

"It's not your issue, _Lee Jihoon._ "

"It is exactly my issue, _Jeon Wonwoo,_ " Jihoon counteracts, crossing his arms. Wonwoo might be tall, but Jihoon is not easily intimidated. "This life or not, Soonyoung has been my best friend for years, and I know him very well."

Wonwoo narrows his eyes at him. Jihoon ignores it and continues.

"So I know him enough to know you're in love with him _way_ more than he's in love with you, because he does not fall easily. And yet, he acts like he's the one who got dumped, all huffy and serious, bossing people around. What did you do?"

He got him, Jihoon can tell, by how Wonwoo's shoulders drop.

"He told me he convinced me to work with Seungcheol because he _pitied me._ Not because he believed in this life or whatever, but because he pitied me, Jihoon."

Jihoon huffs. How stupid. He can see how they'd work well together. 

"Of course. You deserved it, because you put yourself in the position to be. He pitied you, but everything he did was to help you; he ignored his own beliefs for you."

"I don't need people to pity me."

"Get off your high horse," Jihoon throws. "Admit when you're weak and when you need help, and accept it. People won't pity you then," he throws, tilting his chin up. "What people like you never understand is how it feels to be brought down and ruined, and how to get over it and still stay strong. You fall, and don't know how to get back up. Of course people will try to help when they see you like that, and you'll take it as pity."

"Because it is."

"It's not. It's genuinely help. You were weak, and low, and Soonyoung saw it, saw you didn't want the help, and only then pitied how you were. But decided to help you anyway, because he knew it'd be best for you. And he was right, of course. And you threw it away because it hit your _massive ego._ "

Wonwoo fisting his hand in his shirt and _pulling_ comes as a surprise, Jihoon's eyes widening.

"I think you'd better stay away from things that don't _fucking_ concern you."

"Did I hit a weak spot?" Jihoon asks, tilting his head, looking into Wonwoo's eyes, seeing his sneer.

And then Jihoon's expression changes in a second, his hand forcefully pushing Wonwoo's away from his shirt in a smooth move. "Fix it. You do whatever you need to do and _fix it,_ " he hits Wonwoo's chest with a finger, emphasizing his words, whispering them between gritted teeth. "Because _goddamn,_ I've seen that idiot suffer so many fucking times, and I don't know what I'll do if I see him suffer again."

Wonwoo wipes his sneer away from his face, crafting it into the careful mask Jihoon has always seen on him.

"Be careful, Lee Jihoon. One might think you're still in love with him," he says, composed, flat. _"And I don't go well with competition."_

\---

"Are you thinking about it?" Jihoon asks Seungcheol when they're in bed and Seungcheol's on his back, his eyes fixed to the ceiling.

"Mhm. What you said to me got me."

"What?" Jihoon asks, putting his hand on his chest and turning on his side.

"How many more people like me I'd create. Who'd live their entire life plagued by the idea of revenge. Plagued by hate."

"It's not you, Seungcheol, and you know it too. Revenge is one thing, but you're not the kind of person to not be able to see past it and think of the smart thing to do."

"Yeah... I'll think about it. Thank you."

Jihoon hums, lets Seungcheol kiss him before he moves down the bed, his head pillowed on Seungcheol's chest, gets ready to go to sleep.

The conversation with Wonwoo plays in his head though, not letting him sleep, thinking of what he could've said differently, until he reaches the end of it and he realizes...

Wonwoo knows. About him and Soonyoung.

His eyes shoot open, and all of a sudden, he needs air. He slowly moves from the bed to not wake Seungcheol, who's surprisingly asleep before him. He heads to the balcony, sits in the chair and sees Seungcheol's cigarettes, picking one up and lighting it, breathing the smoke in and out.

Wonwoo knows, but why is Jihoon so shocked by this? It's not like it's much of a secret anymore, at least not to their members. Soonyoung and he haven't slept together in months anyway, and Jihoon felt absolutely no need for it, not like before, when he was unsettled sometimes and needed the help. Seungcheol changed all that.

But... Jihoon still hasn't told Seungcheol. One part of him hadn't told him because he told himself it didn't mean much. It shouldn't have, and Soonyoung and him got closure, had talked about this before, had decided that the past was the past and the present was different.

But it was almost five years, and... five years is not a short time. Not when they are so fucked up and the only thing anchoring you to reality is someone else, your first and only for many things that Jihoon fell back on when he had to write songs, recall feelings that were so unfamiliar to him. Longing, love, pain, comfort, the meaning of a touch, warmth, even insecurity, he used to take all of that from what he had with Soonyoung.

So for the first time, Jihoon reconsiders why he never told Seungcheol about him and Soonyoung. Was it that the time never came, it didn't matter, or... is it because he'd promised Soonyoung he'd always put him first, way back then, and Seungcheol never had a chance of being first?

Soonyoung never asked him to make that choice, but if he did... what would Jihoon say now? Is Soonyoung still first anymore, or?

\---

From the first time he laid eyes on Jihoon this morning, Seungcheol knew he's distressed. It's obvious in how he's a bit jumpy, a bit absent. Something happened between them sleeping and waking up.

Seungcheol gives him time, to see if he'll talk, but he doesn't.

"What's up?" He asks Jihoon while they're eating breakfast at the table, and he hasn't talked in a while. Everyone else is asleep, Junhui, Wonwoo, Jeonghan and Jisoo having stayed over, so it's just the two of them.

"Hmm? Nothing."

Seungcheol sighs.

"Jihoon-ah... Come on." _Who are you kidding,_ he wants to say, but doesn't. Whatever it is, Jihoon looks ready to snap, even if it's not obvious. After this long, Seungcheol can pick up on his emotions even if Jihoon isn't obvious with them.

He sighs, puts his chopsticks down and looks at Seungcheol.

"Can I tell you something? And you won't hate me?"

"Why would I hate you, Jihoon-ah?" Seungcheol's expression turns. "Of course I wouldn't. Tell me, whatever it is."

He hesitates, fiddles with his bracelet, which both warms Seungcheol and leaves him thinking.

"Soonyoung and I... We used to sleep together. But just that. We weren't dating or anything." Seungcheol's eyebrows raise, but he keeps silent. "For five years. More than five years, actually. Probably more."

Five years? Five years is a long time for it to be only sex.

"Did something happen? Why are you telling me this now?"

"I confronted Wonwoo about him and Soonyoung. And... he said something about me still being in love with him." Seungcheol freezes, but doesn't let it show. God, if he let it show. "Which is just objectively not true. But he just threw that out there. And it left me thinking."

There's so much he doesn't know about Jihoon, Seungcheol realizes just now.

Jihoon raises his eyes to him. "I guess it just left me thinking about Soonyoung, and my group. We haven't been doing well recently, actually."

So much he doesn't know.

"And... I don't know. I think I maybe feel guilty? I don't know. Maybe it's not actually guilt, hmm... I feel more distant. From them. There's something there."

"Why do you feel distant?"

"I feel I'm not with them anymore that much. Not physically, because we've been together so much these past two months for comebacks and end of the year shows, but just mentally. I don't know."

Seungcheol doesn't want to tell Jihoon 'I told you so.' But he knows it's because Jihoon has been spreading himself too thin, with being in his studio preparing for the repackage, performances and award shows, coming here and talking to Seungcheol and about things. There are a lot of new things in Jihoon's life, too many things he has to spread his mind to, and Seungcheol hasn't been doing too good of a job with helping him deal with them.

He hasn't been doing a good job at all; he just doesn't quite know, he guesses, how to be himself, used to the amount of things he has to do, with the responsibility and the heaviness, and yet not put them on someone else. Instead of a balance between Jihoon not knowing anything and knowing too much, Seungcheol helped him jump from the first to the latter. And hasn't been helping him at all.

So Seungcheol guesses he has to nudge him in the right direction.

"Jihoon-ah... You have to put them first. You know that."

Jihoon doesn't even argue with him, that's how off he is.

"Do you mind if I do? Just for a few days."

"Why would I mind, baby?" Seungcheol whispers, taking Jihoon's cheeks in his hands. "Of course not. You need to look out for them, and be there for them. I'm here and not going anywhere, okay?"

"Yeah," he sighs. "I just think I need to have some conversations."

Seungcheol nods, fiddles with a strand of Jihoon's black hair, putting it behind his ear.

"Just..." he starts, licks his bottom lip and tugs it between his teeth. It's a habit he's aware of. "Are you still... Do you have feelings for him?"

Jihoon's eyes widen.

"No. No, don't get me wrong. I really don't. It just unsettled me that Wonwoo said that. Because I think that there's something wrong between them, I prodded a sensitive spot, and he lashed out to protect himself. And... I don't want to keep secrets from you, because this is nothing, so that's why I told you. I don't want this to come back twisted or different."

"Oh," Seungcheol nods. If he's relieved, that's his business.

"I really don't. I really, really don't," Jihoon looks into his eyes, his tone convinced. Seungcheol believes him.

"Okay," Seungcheol nods, kisses Jihoon, feels his arms wrap around his neck. Of course he'll wait for Jihoon to figure things out. Seungcheol has a lot of things to figure out too anyway.

\---

"You wanted me to come," Jeonghan says, striding into his office.

"Yes. Do you have work to do today?"

"Not much," he hums, settling into the armchair opposite Seungcheol's desk.

"Good. Get comfortable, get a drink, go to the bathroom, because we're going through all the members of her family today, and we're filing them into who's suspicious and who's not."

"So you're planning on not killing everyone?"

Seungcheol takes a deep breath, purses his lips. "Yeah. For now, yeah."

"Jihoon really got to you, huh? Impressive," Jeonghan chuckles.

"He's not wrong though."

"Didn't say he's wrong," Jeonghan puts his hands up in defense, quickly answering. "I'm just impressed it took him this short to convince you."

Seungcheol glares at him.

"Let's go to the table."

Seungcheol moves all the pictures and files to the table in his office, taking a seat with Jeonghan.

"First of all, her and her son..."

"Gone." Jeonghan doesn't even wait to say it, and Seungcheol nods.

"Clearly. Her sister?"

"Hmm. They don't get along, and she married someone on our side of the family. Can we have a maybe pile?"

Seungcheol puts it on the other side of the table, and pulls out the next folder.

"Her uncle?"

"Close to your father, but made some questionable decisions in the past. Maybe it's his personality, but..."

"God, I hate that man," Seungcheol huffs and shakes his head, but files him into the 'maybe' pile anyway. He should do more digging on him.

"Seungcheol-ah..." Jeonghan starts while Seungcheol pulls out the next folder, and he hums to show he's heard. "Does this feel strange to you?"

Seungcheol looks up to him, puts the folder down. Stops.

"What do you mean?"

"It's... We're deciding people's lives," he whispers, emphasizing his words. "We're deciding who lives and who dies."

"We're playing god. I know."

"Isn't that so..."

Seungcheol breathes in. "It's fucked up. It is."

"I guess we have our personal goals that tie in to larger goals, and the things we need to do for them. It's just that..."

"It's unsettling. I've been wondering about this a lot over the past weeks, I guess. But it's... it's not like it can not happen," Seungcheol sighs.

"Look at Jihoon, though. He convinced you not to do what you originally wanted to do in one evening. It can change."

"He convinced me, but that doesn't mean we can just not get rid of her. She created this family on killing someone, and it can't go."

"Okay. But I want you to think twice about why you're doing this, because even if nobody else does, both you and I know you're not doing it for revenge."

Seungcheol huffs, licks his bottom lip.

"Of course I know she's planning something."

"Thank you for admitting it," Jeonghan drops back in his chair. "Finally. Phew. I _almost_ believed you didn't know."

"You were on my side though, trying to argue that she's not planning anything. Did you just defend me like that?"

"Yeah? That's what I'm supposed to do. Agree with you in front of others and then smack you to your senses in private."

Seungcheol chuckles. "Of course I know. But did you want me to admit to everyone that I've taken four people in over the last few days to get something out of them? Of course not."

"You did?" Jeonghan cocks an eyebrow. "What did you find out?"

"Nothing so far. Really nothing. Except confirmation of the fact that she and Wonwoo's father split ways quite a while ago, maybe around last year. They're holding quite strong, her security and the people around her are tough. But we'll amp it up."

"Be careful. Don't kill them, it'll be bad."

"No, nothing of the sort. No physical torture, you know I promised that would be the one thing I didn't do."

"Okay. Keep me updated."

"Sorry I didn't tell you," he nods. "Didn't want to spook people. I think it's better they don't know yet. Keep this between us."

"Of course. It's okay, I know your whole explanation was shaky, so I knew I should ask. Now let's get back to it."

\---

 _"Are you free?"_ Jisoo asks, and Jihoon is maybe surprised, but says yes, hears Jisoo continue. _"There is a traditional New Years' party every year. We don't do Christmas, but we like to ring in the New Year together. Usually, it's organized by the main family, as you know, but as we talked before, nobody expects you to do it. Jaehwa's wife and I started, with Wonwoo and Jeonghan's help, but there's something we wanted you to do."_

"What is it?"

_"Do you have time to come by my apartment?"_

\---

A few hours later, Jihoon enters Jisoo's apartment, in the same building as Seungcheol's used to be. It's a little unsettling, he won't lie, that reminder of a life that already seems so far behind them. It is far, months having passed by since summer, since everything changed, and yet it doesn't feel like that. It feels like yesterday.

But he puts those thoughts away, knocks and waits for Jisoo to come open the door. He does, and when he enters their apartment, Jihoon is not surprised at how it looks. Luxurious, but minimalist, not showy at all; judging by Jeonghan and Jisoo's personalities, it would be like that.

"Jihoon, this is Dabin. She is Jaehwa's wife."

"It is nice to meet you," Jihoon bows, glances at the woman. She is incredibly pretty and very kind, holding a baby in her arms. Jihoon might not want children, but he finds them cute anyway when they are someone else's.

"It is nice to meet you too, Jihoon. I've heard so much about you."

Even her voice is sweet, slow-paced, comforting, even though there is a very slight accent to her words. But this time, Jihoon doesn't assume; he's assumed many times, and was wrong. If she's here, she is in some part involved, and probably very strong.

So Jihoon walks to her to coo at the baby, who wails just a little. Babies never found Jihoon cute though. Maybe they're the only people who haven't.

"This is Yeonggi. He's not quite shy, but doesn't do that well with strangers at first. Give him a little bit and he'll be all over you though."

Jihoon smiles at him, always unsure of what he should do, and goes to sit a bit away on the couch, to see both Jisoo and her.

"Thank you for coming today. We're really grateful."

"I feel like I should thank you. You are doing my job."

"No, don't worry about that," Dabin says, smiling. "We are happy to help, we know you are very busy. That's what we're here for."

Jihoon nods, wondering what they need help for, and Jisoo starts explaining.

"So... you are Seungcheol's partner. Officially, because he introduced you as that. Even if people in the family don't agree, they can't do anything about it because it is Seungcheol's choice. So that means, as his partner, you have all the rights and the responsibilities of your role. And that includes staff and people."

Jihoon nods to show he's listening.

"We need to plan and organize the staff for the actual party, and we were hoping you'd help look through people's schedules with us, and then you'd gather the staff and instruct them. No better experience than working on the job. We'll help, of course, but you should at least be aware of how to do it a little bit. Plus... your authority is larger than ours now."

Jihoon shivers at the thought. It is.

"Of course. What should we start with?"

\---

It's not as hard as he expected, Jihoon has to admit. Figuring out schedules was simple enough, since there is a database of when people are free already, and since it was not that long, they look over food and drinks too, to see what can be changed from previous years. Jisoo suggests instead they go talk directly to the chef in the main house, and so they do.

Jihoon doesn't think he'll ever be able to get used to seeing the main house. Just entering through the gates and seeing the spectacle in front is ridiculous; knowing what is behind the gates is even more so. That doesn't mean it intimidates him.

Or honestly, if it does, it's not the time.

Jisoo helps them enter when it's clear who they are, and nobody fights them, or stops them from entering the kitchen. Quite the opposite, they bow, from maids, to security guards, to cooks. Jisoo makes conversation with them, because he probably knows them, and Jihoon smiles, wanting to make it clear he's not... _like that._ He has to get to know them too, he guesses.

They make it to an office in the kitchen, where a man bows 90 degrees to them, shoos them in quickly. Jihoon feels like he's in a different world a little bit, a feeling not necessarily fueled by anything particular, but just unsettling, somewhere in his chest.

"It is an honor to have you here. Mr. Lee, my name is Park Jungsoo. I am the main chef in the house, it is an honor to meet you," he bows to Jihoon, and Jihoon bows his head too.

"It is nice to meet you too."

"We are so glad you came even though you do not live here. We were all expecting to meet you."

It hits Jihoon then, even though he's in an unfamiliar office meeting an unfamiliar person, with two other people that are familiar and yet not quite, and he has a higher position than all of them. He needs to be comfortable with this; he has a role. An important one.

No matter how strange it feels, how unlike him, he's... powerful.

"I was looking forward to meeting you too, coming by here. I am afraid there is a lot you'll have to fill me in with though."

"That is no issue," the chef exclaims. "We can start from the party, and then I can explain more about what we do and how we work."

Jihoon nods, sees the man pull out some folders.

"These are statistics from last year. What was bought, what was eaten, what we threw away, any issues we had. We had some small mishaps with raw fish two years ago and last year, some cases of slight food poisoning, but nothing else big. A few years ago, as the party was expanded, we moved from full dinner service to more finger-like foods, although not fully; we still serve heavier dishes, but in easier to eat form. As the party is in five days, there is still a lot of room to change dishes, but if you would like to do so, we should do it today."

Jihoon looks over the lists, sees what people enjoy, tries to make sense of this. It is a lot, to suddenly feel like you have to throw a party, but even if Jihoon knows nothing, there are glaring issues with this. Ideally, nothing should run out and nothing should be in excess, which is not the case.

"There are some changes that can be made. I can see some issues with how the amount of food is proportioned. Maybe I am new and I do not understand, but common sense tells me some things should be changed."

The chef nods, slightly hesitant now, which Jihoon takes note of, but they go over the list, Jihoon pointing out the things he finds strange, and going deeper into the list until he has a better sense of it.

"I can get a meeting with the chef suppliers and some of my sous-chefs for this right now, if you'd like to talk about it more."

"That would be great, thank you," Jihoon nods, and sees Jisoo and Dabin nod too. Park leaves, bowing, and the two of them turn to him.

"You're a natural."

"This is a lot," Jihoon sighs, rubs his temples.

"It is. But you're doing great. You did great with staff scheduling too."

"Did they really... Do they talk about me? How should I behave then?"

“Of course. Just think about it: there’s a new head of the family now. Everything had changed, and they’re excited to know. How you start this relationship with them will determine a lot of your status and how you’re viewed later, so be kind and understanding, but not a pushover," Dabin kindly explains.

“Even if it’s not that easy,” Jisoo nods.

“True. Your situation is weird,” she cuts back in, nods fervently.

“Why?”

“Because you don’t live in the main house. They don't see you as the head yet, I guess.”

Jihoon sighs before Park comes back in.

"We can go to the meeting room, if you'd like."

They get up, Jihoon helping Dabin with her baby carrier, Yeonggi in her arms. He's so quiet and so smiley, unlike what Jihoon guesses babies are, loud and crying and with snot on their nose all the time, so maybe he's growing on Jihoon a little bit.

They walk into a meeting room with a large table, people already sitting around it. Jihoon goes to sit in a chair to the side, before Jisoo nudges him to sit at the head of the table. Jihoon figures he has to, so he does, before everyone goes around the table and introduces themselves. Jihoon does his best to memorize all the names and positions, although he largely fails.

"Thank them for being here, and then bring up the changes. Let the discussion flow, don't worry about it, and let them talk," Jisoo whispers to him, Jihoon subtly nodding. It's not like Jihoon ever had problems with talking too much.

Right before he wants to start, the door opens, and Seungcheol's step-mother walks in, silently sits at the other head of the table across Jihoon.

All of a sudden, the air turns and Jihoon subtly grits his teeth, looking at her. Of course.

"I hope you didn't think you'd hold a meeting with _my_ staff without me," she says, her tone icy, and Jihoon smiles. He won't address that.

"Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with us on such short notice," he starts, calm but firm, trying to put his interview voice on. "I wanted to go over some potential changes for the menu for this weekend, and wanted to get your approval that it is possible."

So far, so good.

"First of all, the items we ran out of, such as the egg rolls, some of the dumplings, and the caviar bites, should be supplemented. I understood the standard was to make the same amount that was consumed the previous year plus 10 percent, assuming the total number of people is similar, is that correct?" Some people hesitantly nod. "Would that be possible?"

"We... we could make that," someone Jihoon assumes is one of the sous chefs chirps in, and the main chef, Park, nods at his words.

"The main problems are the budget, and the total amount of food. We do our best every year to stay within certain lines, and supplementing this would mean more ingredients and more time. In addition, we already have a lot of leftovers, which is not great."

"Of course. We can do that by cutting more unnecessary menu items, such as the jwichi raw fish dish. You said that caused issues."

 _"That's her favorite dish,"_ Jisoo whispers to him, but it's too late.

"You will _not._ That is a staple of Gyeongsang-do, and a marker of this family's origins."

Jihoon narrows his eyes at her tone.

"With all due respect, jwichi is more common to Jeolla-do than to Gyeongsang-do. I should know, as I am from Busan and my mother's entire family line have been fishermen for generations. If it caused issues such as food poisoning, it is probably due to improper transportation or storage in a heated environment, and we will not risk it. Thank you though."

She shuts up, and someone gasps quite audibly. It comes then to Jihoon how impolite he was, despite his speech staying formal, but what's done is done. He doesn't miss the steel in her eyes though, the challenge. They won't ever be friends.

Despite how the meeting is quite awkward, it is clear now to Jihoon that the reason everything was so messed up is that they were afraid to cross her. He doesn't want to seem unnecessarily proud, but if he can be an ally or help them, he'll take that.

When the meeting is over, she is the first one to leave, with a glance to Jihoon that says it's not quite over, and he's made an enemy. Which he's fine with. Some people leave with her, even though they bow to Jihoon, which means the staff is already quite split. Park, the main chef, comes to him and bows.

"Thank you for that. We've been trying to fix the menu for quite a while. We all know that fish is not a staple of Gyeonsang-do."

"I apologize too. I did not want to turn her against you."

"It is alright, we will be fine. Master Choi has our backs if she wants to fire us; we've known him for all of our lives."

Interesting. So Seungcheol's father doesn't necessarily agree with his wife.

"Thank you for all your help," Jihoon tells the people who are left, bows his head, and they all bow back, leave through the door. Jihoon sighs, turns to Jisoo and Dabin.

"That was impressive," she comments. "I didn't think you'd do something like _that_ with her here. Is that fish really not common there?"

"It's a kind of common fish, actually, but if it has to be particular to somewhere, it's to Jeolla-do."

"That made a point though."

"The fish?" Jihoon asks, because admittedly, he has been surprised.

"That, and the fact you admitted your family is a fishermen family."

"My direct family is not, my father is a policeman and my mother was a teacher, but my grandparents were. Is that a big issue?"

"In this family? Of course it is," Dabin says. "It matters to all of them, who you are and most importantly where you are from. So that was a powerful point, besides that, you know, you are a man dating their head. You did very well though, you are a natural at this. Dealing with people and leading."

Jihoon nods. It feels off, too much already, but he appreciates it.

\---

"You said that to her?" Seungcheol asks, bursting into laughter.

"Of course! She was wrong, and making such a huge point out of it."

"I cannot believe you did that," Seungcheol keeps laughing, bent over the kitchen counter. "You are amazing."

"Not that big of a deal. Just a damn fish."

"Not only a damn fish. It's a statement. I'm curious though, is that true? I remember it from childhood, maybe."

"I even called my grandfather after to ask him about it, he said he fishes it if he gets orders, but it's more common in Jeolla-do markets and so. So it was right. I know because I like it too, and I asked him to get it for me when I was a kid and he couldn't always have it."

"She won't be happy."

"I don't care," Jihoon drawls, and Seungcheol kisses him, still chuckling.

"I love you."

"Hm."

"Would it kill you to say me too?" Seungcheol tsks, going back to putting their dishes away.

"Love you too," Jihoon whispers, rolling his eyes, but he knows Seungcheol knows he's serious. "Actually... I wanted to ask you about that. You never told me much about your childhood. You said you grew up in Daegu, but your family's main house is here and everything."

"I can tell you about it. Want a drink?"

"Yes, beer," Jihoon nods. Seungcheol grabs two and sits across from him at the counter.

"So I was born in Seoul, because my father was the head of the company from before, the investment one I was head of. But usually, before college, children of the main families spend a lot of time in Daegu, at my grandparents' house. You remember I told you my grand-grandfather built an empire in the 1940s, when he came back, right?"

"Yeah."

"My grand-grandfather was actually born in Daegu, but his father and grandfathers were government officials, close to the king, so they moved to Seoul, and bought land there. When my grand-grandfather built the company, he built it in Seoul, but like his ancestors, when he retired, he came back to Daegu. So the "center" of my family is in Seoul, but my family has Daegu roots, and when people retire, they go to our Daegu house. My father is the only exception, but we've been talking about that."

"So why did you grow up there?"

"I was born here and I lived here until pretty much when I was 11, after my mother's death. But a bit after Wonwoo and his mother left actually, I didn't... I wasn't a good child, and I took my mother's death harder than my brother. So my father kind of sent me off to Daegu, and I lived there with my grandmother and grandfather until I decided to rebel and come to Seoul to train. My grandfather died the year after that, but my grandmother is still alive. 96 and a fantastic woman," he nods, and he can tell how much respect Seungcheol has for her.

"But then you came back."

"I came back, yeah, when I went to college at Seoul National, and then to the military academy and to the army for a shorter time. Which is not common."

"But you did it because you had to take over, right?"

"Yeah. I had to prepare to take over early, as you know."

"I actually wanted to ask you something else. Is it a coincidence that you and Jeonghan are the same age? And Wonwoo and Junhui and other people are around there too, like one year younger or less?”

“Of course not,” Seungcheol answers, shaking his head. “Jeonghan’s mother and my mother discussed getting pregnant together so the children are equal in age, it’s the tradition. And then, when it’s announced a few months after, everyone else gets pregnant. For their kids to be able to be around the same age as us, and have a better way in.”

“But... you were not the head then.”

“No, but this applies to all children, not only the heads. My older brother was a surprise pregnancy; my father and my mother weren’t even married. Right after she heard, Jeonghan’s mother had to get pregnant too.”

“But Jeonghan doesn’t have an older sibling.”

“No. She died when she was a kid. She was a sickly child, and died before she was five. Jeonghan knew he’d take over his family much sooner than I did. Wonwoo and Junhui’s families also were not with us back then, but a bit after I was born and my father took over. They both have a younger sibling, and they’re around the same age as Jeonghan’s younger sister. My mother just didn't want another child as having more than two is not that good, and Jeonghan's mother wanted another child.”

"Not that good because the more children, the harder the claim to power, right?" Jihoon asks.

"Pretty much yeah."

"That sounds hard. Living away, and all that stuff. Must've not been easy."

"It is how it is. Jeonghan actually lived with me for a few years, because I was supposed to help him since we were the same age. He and my brother were not close at all. This was honestly also one of the biggest deciding factors I had when I overthrew my brother; it just works much better."

Jihoon nods slowly, looking at Seungcheol and pursing his lips. His family is messed up, Jihoon can't complain about his anymore.

"So you're coming to the party, right?" Seungcheol asks, and Jihoon nods.

"After midnight though. We have MBC Gayo Daejejeon on the 31st, and it ends a bit after midnight. Will it go that late?"

"Probably. It's always hard to get people out."

"Sorry we don't get to ring in the new year together."

"It's okay, baby. You have commitments. Spend it with your members, and I'll see you after."

\---

Hearing the congratulations and the celebratory screams for 2019 always makes Jihoon a little emotional, and he hugs his members extra tight. They've been through a lot recently, Jihoon himself has not been that great, and he knows they struggled, but he's so proud of them. He whispers it when he hugs them, sees them tear up and maybe he does a little himself too.

But it's a new year, and with the new year, come new beginnings. Or something. Or if even Jihoon doesn't necessarily believe in that, he can motivate himself to believe in doing things differently. For his members, and for their fans.

\---

Walking into the main house from the back, as Seungcheol instructed him, the first thing he does is find Seungcheol in the kitchen, who looks happy. Alcohol-fueled happy, if only just a little, and genuinely happy.

"Happy New Year, baby," he tells him and hugs him tight, and Jihoon hugs him back.

"Happy New Year," he whispers back, and stays in Seungcheol's embrace for a few seconds more. He truly loves him, and he never thought he'd say that about a person ever. He never thought his life could become _this,_ this strange thing, this amalgam of things that he's still trying to make sense of. But he has his members and he has Seungcheol, the man of his dreams, so maybe it will be alright.

"Do you want to go out there?"

"It's public, but..."

"You're wearing a suit already, you won't stand out."

"Changed in the car."

"In the car?" Seungcheol raises an eyebrow, and Jihoon nods.

"Skills of the trade."

"Anyway, it's okay. And even if you do, you know nothing will come out."

"I know. Okay."

So he does. It feels a little unnerving, but the lights are low in the ballroom, and the music is loud, more than a proper party, but this is not a proper party. It looks like the old people left, and most of the people left over are young, dancing or talking around the edge.

Jihoon's starving though, so he pulls Seungcheol to the food table, since waiters must have stopped serving when the lights went down. There are a lot of things, some platters empty, some full, but on one of the empty ones, Jihoon sees a remainder of something, a little bit of something white. So he picks it up and bites into it with his front teeth, and of course. Of fucking course.

 _"That damn fucking fish,"_ he curses when Seungcheol turns to him at the same time, and Jihoon's jaw locks.

"What's wrong?"

"Where's Jisoo? Is he here?"

"Yes, somewhere. I can call them."

"Do it."

They walk to the kitchen, and Jisoo and Jeonghan meet them in the hall from the kitchen to the ballroom.

"Happy New Year," he says when he sees them, hugging them, and they do the same. But that doesn't take away from how _mad_ Jihoon is. "Did she seriously?"

"I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know when you'd come," Jisoo crosses his arms and nods.

"What's up?" Jeonghan asks too, him and Seungcheol visibly quite confused.

"Remember how I told you about that raw fish? The reason it should've been cut off is not only how pointlessly expensive it is, but even if you transport it properly from Jeolla-do and then store it, serving it at a party, especially on platters to the side, is terrible because the heat can make it bad; it's just not the right environment. But it's been done despite how I said it should not because it's her favorite dish? Can I go talk to Park?"

Jisoo nods. "You should. He's in the back."

"Let's go." Jihoon nods, and pushes through the double doors leading to the chef kitchen. Maybe he's making a big deal over something, but now that everyone's told him it's a point, then maybe it's a point.

Everyone bows as they walk in, and then Park finds them, bowing to them. "May we talk to you?" Jihoon asks, and Park leads them into his office.

Jihoon tries to calm down because he's sure it's not his fault, but still. "What happened with the raw fish? I thought it was agreed not to be served."

Park's eyes widen.

"It was, but... the order was already in, and despite how it could have been canceled, she... she said not to, and threatened to put people through hell before it even gets to master Choi, and people didn't want to risk it. We truly apologize for this, most of us are on your side with that, but..."

But Jihoon is nothing yet, and she holds the reins to their jobs.

"Thank you for that. I will be talking to her myself. But next time it happens, maybe we can figure out a way for you to contact me. I understand she lives here, but I need to know about these things, big or small."

"You could... you should definitely start a messaging group with all of us, sir."

"I didn't get to tell you about that yet, I'm sorry," Jisoo interjects. "On our family app, you should make a group chat with all the heads of the different parts of the family staff, from the cooks to the gardeners and so, so you can contact everyone at once, or whoever you need, and they can contact you. I'll help with that, sorry," Jisoo says, and Jihoon nods.

"That's okay. Once that happens, I expect you to contact me with everything. I will be in to talk to you a little bit more before then though, as we had mentioned before. Thank you for all your hard work this evening, to you and your staff. You have been doing an amazing job though, and we all appreciate it."

Park bows to them and they leave, heading back to the hall, where Jihoon sighs, looking at them.

"That was impressive though," Jeonghan comments. "You made your point, and it's clear he was on your side."

"Isn't that what I'm supposed to do though?" Jihoon throws. "It feels like I started off completely wrong, actually. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with them, how far I can go."

"You didn't start off wrong," Seungcheol comforts him with a hand on his shoulder. "It's understandable it takes you time, but you'll get there. Chef Park already respects you, and that's a good man to have an alliance with."

Jihoon nods, his lips pursed and his eyes closed, before Seungcheol's hand tightens on his shoulder, and Jihoon snaps his eyes open.

Of course it's her, with what seems like a few staffers who she's talking to. She glances at Jihoon and almost passes by them, but Jihoon won't have that. New year, new him.

"May I have a word, please?"

She stops and dismisses the staffers with a few words, them bowing and heading off. Jihoon gets himself together and calms down.

"I do not appreciate my word being dismissed like that, especially when I thought we had an understanding." 

She huffs. "We had no understanding, Lee Jihoon. Don't think that because you're presumably his partner now, you have any say in anything. Hold that thought early and know your place. I do not appreciate your interventions either, and they better not come again."

"I do not appreciate you talking to my _partner_ like that," Seungcheol intervenes.

"It's okay," Jihoon whispers to Seungcheol, so he stops. Jihoon turns to her. "I believe beyond appreciation comes rank. Unfortunately, I do have the one that allows me to be in charge one right now, which makes my words not "interventions", but the decision. You may live here, but I am in full authority, so I would appreciate that knowledge being common."

Where it came from, he doesn't know, but it did.

"I'm sure you'll soon see that your rank is not worth as much as you think it is, Lee Jihoon. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Enjoy the party." She throws, leaves through the doors to the kitchen, and Jihoon grits his teeth.

"Of course, she has a reputation for killing the partners," Jeonghan mumbles between his teeth.

Jihoon keeps his eyes on the kitchen doors, Seungcheol's hand still on his shoulder.

"It's okay. She's like that," he comforts Jihoon, but Jihoon doesn't need to be comforted.

He needs a clear shot and no witnesses, metaphorically saying. But he moves on, because her time is over anyway, and Jihoon can get into the favors of the staff. He knows he can.

"Let's enjoy the party. Sorry," he apologizes to them, because this is a big deal made out of nothing. "Hyung, if you can teach me how to make that group chat, I'd be thankful."

"Of course. We can do it soon," Jisoo nods, and Jihoon nods back, smiling. "We'll see you in the party."

They leave, Jihoon alone with Seungcheol, the bustling music of the party muffled behind them.

"It's okay. You're doing great without getting down to her level. Be patient."

"I am. I'm sorry for overreacting."

"Hey. You didn't overreact," Seungcheol grabs his cheeks in his hands, turning his eyes up to him. "You did what you had to do; you stood up for your decision. She underestimates the power someone outside of her style of work has, and that's on her. She's wrong, and she'll see it. Or maybe she won't have time to see it, we'll see."

Jihoon huffs. "Yeah."

"Happy New Year, yes? I love you."

"I love you too," Jihoon says. Seungcheol kisses him, slow but pointed, kind of powerful, pulling away and resting his forehead against his, breathing hard, and maybe Jihoon is kind of looking forward to getting him in bed tonight, when this party is done. And then over the next few days, he'll go back to the dorm, have those conversations with his members that he's avoided these past few days, figure out what the hell is happening with Soonyoung and Wonwoo, polish a few more songs for their repackage, and get his life together.

No better time to start than the new year.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I tried to find the name of an actual fish that is common to Jeolla-do but not easily found in other regions, and besides how that honestly took me hours, I did not find a proper word in English to translate from the Korean one so I had to transliterate, and it might actually be not that accurate. And then I stopped to reconsider the things I do for a fic, but I hope you enjoyed this chapter anyway haha! Looking forward to your thoughts. <3


	8. it's colder every year, every single time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha ahaha hah... NO RAGRETS. (Full disclaimer: please don't read this at work. Save yourselves and your jobs.)
> 
> Some _important_ notes: 
> 
> There is some level of violence in this chapter, some awful things, one of which is the f-word. I won't give specific trigger warnings because they're very abstract or pretty much at the level you got used to with this story or should because in general it is... dark, and it's not getting better, so you know. But if you'd like to skip the homophobic slur, skip the scene in the last flashback which starts with *** by finding the next *** divider.
> 
> The italics are flashbacks; the first one happens a good few years before the start of the first story, and the last one you'll be able to tell. 
> 
> Just a reminder that Wonwoo's initials on his gun are 'ㅇㅇ', and Seungcheol has it until pretty much the end of part 2. 
> 
> Well, that's it. This chapter is a monster and more than 11,000 words long, I barely did anything else this week besides study and write. But I love it so much, I hope you'll like it too and won't kill me. Please don't kill me.

_"You like that model."_

_Seungcheol rolls his eyes, takes a drag of his cigarette. "I don't like anyone. She was a good fuck a while ago, but no."_

_When will they understand, Seungcheol wonders. He doesn't_ feel, _hasn't for a long time. Probably never will again since he's already old, will always be doomed to a loveless marriage made for success, one his father picks. The clear-cut way his destiny is shaped is not something he'll fight._

 _It's not like there aren't_ suitors; _his father made sure he's aware of them, with increasing pressure on him to date them, to marry them, have children. Seungcheol doesn't want them. Plain and simple._

_"Seriously though. Nothing? She's drop dead gorgeous, rich, smart, and a good alliance. And apparently a good fuck too. Come on," Junhui berates him. Jeonghan chuckles, Seungcheol's non-existent love life having long been the source of his amusement. Not everyone can seduce a young, gorgeous American man and swipe them off their feet in two seconds flat._

_"No. Nobody's going to be in my bed at the party."_

_"I almost want to hire someone for you; you haven't gotten laid in too long. You're missing someone to wreck your brains out. Seriously, listen to me," he whines._

_Seungcheol's eyes roll to the back of his head; he's not amused by Junhui's antics, and not entertained by the topic either._

_"No. If you're inviting people to the party, do it, but I'm not gonna sleep with them or date them. Get over it."_

_"No fun. Completely no fun. Heading to a meeting, see you later,_ loser. _" Junhui's sigh accompanies him as he walks out of the door, trailing behind him. It's almost left behind as a heavy shadow of his disappointment. Jeonghan steps closer to him, leans on his desk._

_"You're enjoying this, huh?" Seungcheol's taunt reaches Jeonghan, his eyebrow lifting. This back-and-forth always leaves Seungcheol with a glare of something in his mind too._

_"Maybe. You're easy to rile recently. Maybe you do need a good fuck."_

_"You're gonna let me take it out on you?"_

_Jeonghan's shoe comes dangerously close to his crotch when he pushes Seungcheol's chair, hitting the bookshelf behind him._

_"How about you let_ me _take it out on_ you? _" Jeonghan's words never come empty, they're always joined by something. This time, it's his hand in Seungcheol's hair, tugging so hard he's sure strands of hair are coming apart in his grip. Seungcheol lets the arousal sneak up in his stomach, lets it free in the grip on Jeonghan's wrist that is sure to leave marks. If his little boy toy minds, it's not Seungcheol's problem. They're nothing yet, and he wants to enjoy having Jeonghan be only his for a bit longer._

_So he tugs, gritting his teeth at how it feels like Jeonghan's pulling his hair out when he lets go and falls to his knees._

_If only their parents could see them now, Seungcheol thinks bitterly, with his cock down Jeonghan's throat, knowing he will probably make Seungcheol eat him out later for playing with him like that. Maybe then they'd reconsider who they've brought up and how._

_But before that, Seungcheol bites his tongue to not make a sound and comes in Jeonghan's mouth, takes the bruising grip to his thigh, the other one on his chin soon after, Jeonghan's eyes staring into his. He's waiting, so Seungcheol pushes him back until he hits the desk, throwing all the papers away to make room for him._

_"You like it with the door open, don't you? Do you want people to know you're under me in more fucking ways than one?"_

_"If I wanted to be talked down to and humiliated, I would've started fucking your brother. Lock the door and shut the fuck up."_

_The click of the lock is more like a sentence than anything. Seungcheol walks back and sees the poison in Jeonghan's eyes._

_They can be cruel to others, but best at being cruel with each other. That's why Jeonghan understands and no one else ever will: because he can take it, and inflict it in turn._

_"Don't talk smart to me," Seungcheol grabs his neck, too heavy for him not to feel it. He only smirks, the fucker; Seungcheol presses harder._

_"If you could shut me up, I wouldn't." So Seungcheol lets go. "More like it. Get back on the chair."_

_That he doesn't do, picks Jeonghan up and turns him around, throws him on his stomach, presses a hand into his back and the other on both of his wrists on the desk, above his head._

_"Let's not forget our places here."_

_Jeonghan twitches, tests his grip. When it doesn't give, he laughs. "Quiet your power play and fuck me already."_

_Seungcheol does, his watch clinking with presses of his fingers inside Jeonghan before he fucks into him in a strong thrust, knowing it'll hurt. He likes pain more than Seungcheol does, so he's doing him a favor. Always what he needs._

_He comes all over his desk and Seungcheol does him the courtesy of not coming inside him, pulls out and shoots strings of come on his lower back, smacking his hand down hard on his ass._

_But they always take a second when they finish, Seungcheol resting his forehead between Jeonghan's shoulder blades, his hand reaching back to run through Seungcheol's hair. Before they have to get back to the real world._

_Seungcheol wipes down his desk when Jeonghan gets up and cleans up too, does his pants and his shirt back up._

_"5 minutes. Chop chop, we gotta go."_

_"If you didn't come all over my desk, maybe we'd have left by now."_

_Jeonghan's hand is back in his hair, pulling his eyes to him._

_"Don't get smart with me now because I let you talk back to me."_

_Seungcheol kisses him, presses his lips on his before he shrugs his head from his grip and does his own pants back up, but they're stained with come._

_"Fuck."_

_"Extra suit in your office closet. Hurry up, goddamn."_

_Seungcheol changes in two seconds straight, hurries out of the door behind Jeonghan and into the car._

_"What's his family like?"_

_"Married for 12 years, ex-model wife. Two kids, older sister and younger brother. 11 and 7."_

_It's those that are the nastiest. Those with the happy families and the perfect marriages who have the deepest secrets, the most fucked up of kinks. The ones that use others, ruin them beyond return. Seungcheol's far from perfect too, so why would he start one of these lies himself?_

_"Gun."_

_Jeonghan passes him the gun from its pocket in the car at a red light, taking his too, and Seungcheol looks at the one in his hand for a second. The two circles at the bottom glare at him, two eyes embedded deep in the metal of the gun. They judge him every time he presses the trigger, even more when he covers them with blood._

_He puts it in his holster, under his jacket. It's never the gun. It's always the owner._

_The man's eyes are as wide, as perfectly circular as the ones on his gun when Jeonghan and he walk into the room of the gambling parlor. Like instructed, everybody clears._

_"Oh, darling," Jeonghan chuckles, looking to Seungcheol. "Did we get the wrong room? Sorry for interrupting your poker game."_

_"What... what are you... Why are_ you _here?"_

 _"Oh,_ shut the fuck up, _" Jeonghan's expression immediately changes, his sneer almost strange on his delicate features. "You think you'd get away with it? Leaving a girl pregnant then_ killing _her and her baby?"_

_"I did not, I swear, I did not, I don't know what... I didn't, I didn't mean..." His voice trembles, visibly scared. It's his end, and he knows it._

_"Seungcheol-ah, please do it already. I might strangle him if you don't."_

_Seungcheol hates pulling the trigger, but sometimes, it feels almost cathartic. He can imagine how people's souls look like sometimes when they leave their bodies. Some are darker, some are brighter, some are transparent. Depending on who they were, on the mark they left in life._

_And then it hits him._

_"Let's go," Jeonghan takes the gun from his hand, puts it in his own holster._

_He also drives back, and when they walk into his house, he hugs him tight, rests Seungcheol's head in his neck._

_"I told you-you didn't have to do it," Jeonghan starts, and Seungcheol hugs him back._

_"I wanted to," he answers, flat._

_"It was not your sister, you know? It's good that trash like him is gone, but that wasn't your sister."_

_"I know. But it could've been."_

_"Listen. We'll find her, and she'll be fine. There are so many people with that name in Korea. It was not her. She's not her mother. Maybe she got married to a rich man, like her father."_

_Seungcheol sighs._

_"Maybe."_

_"I know you think of her in all the girls we help, but it's not her. Okay? It was only a rumor that she was an escort. Maybe she's not even one anymore or wasn't at all. We'll find her."_

_Seungcheol nods. He wonders if they will._

\---

"You know, sometimes I look at you and wonder where the switch was."

"What switch?" Seungcheol asks Jeonghan, looking for the envelope he's put somewhere. He didn't lose it, he just can't find it.

"The one that Jihoon flipped in you."

"There's no switch," Seungcheol replies matter-of-factly. Where the hell did he put it?

"Bullshit. You don't see it, but it's there."

Finally finding it, he finishes the email and sends it off. Now just to wait for the answer.

"Hannie..."

"Hm."

"Do you think two people can have just sex for years? No feelings attached?"

Jeonghan smiles. "Do you love me?"

Seungcheol's eyebrows raise. "Yes."

"But not like that. Yes, I think so. We fucked for fifteen years, and look where we are."

"But we're different."

"Doesn't matter. Is this about Jihoon and Soonyoung?"

"How do _you_ know?" Seungcheol asks as he goes to open the window of his office, taken aback. He lights a cigarette, leaning back in his chair.

"Channie. I adopted him, metaphorically saying. He really needed to talk, and loves his members. So he's worried, wanted advice."

"Did you help him?"

"Of course. By telling him to stay out of it, yes."

Seungcheol sighs, takes another drag. Jeonghan steals one cigarette from his pack and lights it up, balancing it between two fingers.

"What are you worried about? Do you think Jihoon loves him?"

"He told me no and I believe him. Just..."

"You don't think he knows it either."

"Yeah. Kind of," he exhales the smoke, seeing it pulled to the window. "I feel like I forcefully took him out of that mess and his group into our mess, and he feels guilty for not taking care of his members properly, so it's clear that he has some sort of emotional attachment. So now that Wonwoo and Soonyoung didn't work out either... he feels like he needs to fix it. I don't want him to, because I know he'll get hurt."

"Why don't you _really_ want him to?"

"Is it selfish I don't want him involved? Since it's not his problem. Wonwoo and Soonyoung need to get over their issues themselves, I guess, or break up cleanly. If Jihoon gets involved, it won't help."

"It's a bit selfish, yeah. Also Wonwoo is still not okay, you know that though. He's either gonna pity himself or not be able to let go. There's nothing clean here."

"So should I let Jihoon get involved to see Wonwoo lash out at him because he thinks Jihoon still loves Soonyoung?"

Jeonghan straight up laughs, a loud sound ringing through his office. "Wow, is this messy. How did you two manage to get involved with two people as messed up as us?"

Seungcheol glares at him. Jeonghan still chuckles, bends forward to rest his elbows on his desk.

"Look. If you need to smack some sense into Wonwoo, do it. Otherwise, I'd just let it be. Believe Jihoon when he tells you he doesn't have feelings, let him solve his issues with his group and Soonyoung himself, but be there for him. I'd just look out for Wonwoo."

"I don't know what's up with him. It's clearly not grief, because he's gotten used to his father's death."

"I think he's still trying to find his place, and match up to you."

"He doesn't need to do that, goddamn."

"I know he doesn't. He doesn't know though."

Seungcheol nods. "I'll talk to him."

"Be careful with him."

\---

Jihoon sits at Jisoo's kitchen table, the beer forgotten on the table.

"So what do I need to do now?"

"Now that you're an admin on the app, you can see all the users. Click there."

"So Junhui made this only for the family?"

"Yeah. It's super secure. Okay, you clicked. Now I'll give you the list of the people you need to add; they're basically the chiefs of everything; cooks, gardeners, security, cleaning, and so. You should add them to a group chat and then introduce yourself."

"Now?"

"If you want to."

"Okay," Jihoon breathes out. Something about it is a little bit unnerving. "Did you have to do this too?"

"Yes. We both should have these group chats; Seungcheol and Jeonghanie don't. They just contact people as needed. But they don't organize events or coordinate staff to need them all in the same place. You can go ahead and say something."

What should he say? He starts typing, stops and erases. First, he says his name, which is already weird, doesn't say anything about who he is. He figures they know him, and he doesn't know yet how official or accepted his role as partner is. Then, he says thank you for being there, and something generic about them contacting him anytime they need. He passes it to Jisoo, even though he is nervous about what he'll say. Jisoo's been so helpful and so understanding with all of this, but the fear of failure or doing something wrong is still tripping Jihoon.

"It's good! I'd fix the grammar though, don't be very formal. You can use the less formal ending with staff, you actually should. Let me add some ideas too, see if it sounds good."

Jihoon switches his verb endings, although it looks strange, and then goes over Jisoo's changes. He's made a couple more things less formal too, and added a sentence about his role, and some other small things.

"Don't be afraid to play it. It's who you are."

"I... Actually wanted to ask you something about that."

"Hmm?" Jisoo hums, and Jihoon crosses his arms.

"We're not married or anything, but if we are, does that change who I am or what I do? Or if we... break up. What happens then?"

"That's two questions with two different connotations," Jisoo comments, and Jihoon knows. He does. He's thought a lot.

"If you get married, I guess your role will be more solidified? Seungcheol is the head, but as you can see, there are a few things you and he don't have full control over yet. He kind of has to be married and have a family for that? I guess? I'm not clear on what's stopping him from fully making his father retire.

If you break up... I don't know, honestly. I think Seungcheol would need to find himself a new partner? Or not. Never quite happened. Usually, when someone, be it someone at the level of Jeonghan, or Seungcheol, or even someone lower, declares their partner, they don't quite end up breaking up. They don't make that decision unless it's somehow settled."

"I didn't know this was so formal back then. This whole... thing."

"Seungcheol didn't know either. But it's okay. You're doing great, and you might not know it, but you have a lot of support. There's a lot of people who like you."

"But they don't even know me?" Jihoon asks, confused.

"You're a celebrity. Everybody's probably watched every single interview or video you're in."

"Oh god," Jihoon exhales, putting his head in his arms. He can't see how his idol image is one that's helpful here.

"Don't worry," Jisoo chuckles, putting a hand on his shoulder. "They like your attitude. It's clear you're nobody to fuck around with. And most of the wives in this are either repressed, bossy mother-in-law stereotypes, gold and power diggers, or no-name celebrities. You're better than all of them, and a lot of people, some of them, or like sons and daughters and so, people our age, like your personality because you are different. You'd be surprised."

"How do you... how do you know all of this?"

"I don't have a job because my job is to go to dinners and events and book clubs and other boring things with them," he rolls his eyes. "I'm kidding. Mostly. I'm actually in charge of a lot of family charities and NGOs and I have my own charity teaching music to unprivileged children, besides helping Seungcheol and Jeonghan with strategy, but I do go to a lot of dinners and events and stuff. So I hear a lot of things."

"Do they take you seriously?"

"Of course. Trust me, Jihoon-ah, just because you're a man dating a man, it doesn't mean you'll be banned or banished from everything. You're underestimating your role; you _own_ all of them. _They_ need to get in your good graces, not you. They'll suck up to you."

"Oh... Really?" He's surprised. Maybe he's been thinking about all of this wrong.

"Yeah. Don't overthink it. By the way, they will write in the group chat, but they're not allowed to start a personal group chat with you without you doing it first. Just keep that in mind; feel free to not enforce it if you want and tell them, but just so you know."

"Okay. Thank you, hyung. You're my lifesaver."

"I'm not," he smiles. "You're of great help too, I know we're going to do great."

\---

"Hyung!" Jihoon calls out, but there's no answer. This is why he sometimes hates living in Seungcheol's stupidly big house; he feels like he has to run a marathon to find him.

The bedroom and the bathroom are empty, and so is the study. If he's not in the spa, living room, office, or kitchen either, he must be in the gym. So Jihoon heads down the stairs again, for what feels like the hundreth time, and indeed, Seungcheol is running on the treadmill, his headphones in. That's why he didn't hear him.

Instead of telling him he's there, Jihoon figures he'll make him pay for making him basically work out too while he was looking for him. So he sits down on the bench on one of the arm machines to the left of the treadmill, crosses his legs, and leans on it, arms crossed too and looking intently at Seungcheol.

He doesn't notice, mouthing to the music Jihoon can hear blasting in his headphones, so Jihoon waits. And waits. And waits.

Until Seungcheol's head turns just an inch, and he must've caught Jihoon from the corner of his eye, because he does a double take and trips, jumps so high Jihoon bursts out into laughter. He immediately presses the emergency stop button on the treadmill and puts a hand on his chest, ripping his headphones off.

"You scared the _hell_ out of me, what the fuck Jihoon-ah!"

"Someone could've stolen your entire house and you wouldn't have noticed."

"That's why I have alerts on my phone! Oh my god, I almost had a heart attack."

"You big baby, stop overreacting," Jihoon admonishes him, leaning back on the bench.

Seungcheol exhales a large breath, running a hand to push his sweaty hair back and adjust his tanktop that's so tight on his fucking body it should be illegal. Jihoon swallows hard, and of course the asshole notices, smirks.

"Hoon-ah..."

"No. Nope."

But there's clearly nothing stopping him from walking like he's in a cheap porn movie to Jihoon and bending down to kiss him. Jihoon would protest, but to be _very_ honest, he's kind of been strung up recently, and seeing Seungcheol like this is no easy feat. Jihoon is human too.

So he parts his lips, lets Seungcheol lick into his mouth and move with his kisses down his neck, spreading his legs for him to kneel between them.

They're gonna fuck in the gym. This is Jihoon's life now.

Seungcheol seems very intent on it too, bunching up his shirt and holding it on the sides of his chest, kissing intently down his navel.

"Fuck, hyung, I didn't shower..."

"Do I look like I did to you?" He chuckles, kisses down his hipbones. "It's fine, we don't have to go all the way. I can suck you off and then we'll see."

 _Oh god._ Jihoon nods though, arches his head down to see Seungcheol pop his button open with his mouth and drag his damn zipper with his _teeth._ Such an overachiever.

"Been working hard on that?" Jihoon's panting reveals just how affected he is though, how the sight of Seungcheol between his legs is always so disarming.

"Did it work?" Especially when he smiles, that large smile Jihoon is weak for, kissing his navel while his eyes bore into Jihoon's.

"Fuck," Jihoon whines, slapping a hand over his mouth because that noise was not him. He refuses to admit it. But Seungcheol only chuckles, drags his underwear down and licks over the tip of his already hard cock. He's a tease, taking his time with sucking Jihoon in, and as always when they do this, Jihoon is weak in seconds.

There's something about it, about knowing that someone is on their knees for you and yet has all control over what happens that hits differently. Especially when they struggle, determined to pleasure you; Jihoon loves blowing Seungcheol because he loves it, and he knows Seungcheol likes doing it to him because Jihoon loves it, loves seeing him and feeling what Seungcheol's doing to him at the same time. His hand grips Seungcheol's sweaty hair, wet from his workout, and who thought Jihoon would be this affected by this simple thing.

Seungcheol gets his hand on him, jerking off what he can't take, spit dribbling down Jihoon's cock, and it's _filthy._ Like everything they do, so hot and overwhelming that it barely takes minutes for Jihoon to be so close. Seungcheol hums around his cock and that's all it takes for Jihoon to come in his mouth, arching his head back with a long moan, and completely forgetting to warn him.

Seungcheol makes a sound of surprise but takes it, and when Jihoon comes back to it and realizes it, his eyes widen.

"Shit, I'm sorry."

Seungcheol swallows. He fucking swallows, and Jihoon might honestly be ready to go again.

"Why are you apologizing? It's fine."

"Let me get you off. Please."

"You don't have to ask twice," he chuckles. Getting up, his face twists though, and he immediately groans. "I think my knees are not meant for this shit anymore."

"Come on, old man. This is hard flooring, of course it's gonna hurt. Get up," Jihoon teases him, sitting up until they switch positions, Seungcheol sitting on the bench and Jihoon finding his place in his lap.

He's already hard in his gym pants, Jihoon pressing the bridge of his hand on his bulge making him moan. He pulls his shorts down just enough for the outline of his hard cock to be obvious through his underwear, Jihoon jerking him off with a loose hand through them.

"Tease," he whispers with a rough voice on Jihoon's neck.

"If you don't want me to call you old, you should come in your pants and prove to me you're not."

"I'm old. I don't care. Just do it."

So Jihoon does, takes him out of his underwear and keeps a tight hand on his cock, Seungcheol tilting his chin to him to kiss him, wet and filthy. Jihoon twists his wrist at the top, swipes his thumb over the head of his cock, which always drives Seungcheol crazy. This time is no different, him pulling away to let out a loud moan, arching his head back until Jihoon hears a loud noise and a groan that's different from one of pleasure.

"Ow."

"Did you hit your head?!"

"Yes, fuck. This damn machine," he curses but laughs, and Jihoon can't help but chuckle too, reaching out to his head to turn it and see.

"Are you fine?"

"Yes, please make me come before I die from blunt head trauma."

Jihoon does get his hand back on him, but admittedly can't stop laughing, and neither can Seungcheol, between heavy pants.

"Didn't think this would be the way I go," he comments with a laugh, his voice rough, accompanied by a moan when Jihoon quickens his hand.

"You are being a baby," Jihoon says, kisses him and Seungcheol doesn't protest, smiles on his lips, playfully bites at Jihoon's bottom lip. Jihoon swipes his tongue past his lips too, pulls back and pecks his lips a couple more times, before Seungcheol pulls him in with a hand on his hip.

"Coming," he groans, and Jihoon keeps his hand moving quickly, before an idea pops up into his head.

 _"Daddy,"_ he whispers in Seungcheol's ear right when he comes with a protesting groan all over Jihoon's hand and his shirt. It takes him a few seconds to come back to himself, his eyes closed, but when he opens them, his expression is close to pouting.

"That was low. I was already coming."

"I told you. You have a kink."

"I absolutely do not. You do not either, why are you trying to convince me?"

"Not trying to convince you. Just proving a point," Jihoon counters with an amused expression, under Seungcheol's exasperated look. He knows they both don't have that particular preference, but it's kind of funny to play with him.

"Fine. Call your point proven. Just don't call me... _that_ again, _please._ "

"Alright, fine. Now let me see your head, you idiot. Where did you hit it?"

\---

"Sorry I'm late. Just came back from the hospital, had to visit my stepbrother."

"Your stepbrother?" Jihoon arches an eyebrow, sees Jeonghan do the same.

"Yes. I knew his girlfriend was bad but man..." he huffs, his cheeks puffing up. "Didn't expect that."

"What did you do?"

"Me? Nothing!"

"Cheol-ah..." Jeonghan admonishes him.

"I just put the photos of him cheating in her mailbox! I swear I didn't do anything but that. Always works though."

Jeonghan crosses his arms, and Jihoon keeps quiet. This...

"Our hospital staff will take care of him well, don't worry about that. Now... I wanted you to help me with something."

 _"_ Daepyonim, _your 3 PM is on the line,"_ his secretary announces through the phone on his desk, and Seungcheol groans.

"Oh, fuck. Is it Ricci? Okay, put him on."

When he answers, it takes Jihoon a few seconds to realize he doesn't get what he's saying. It's not English nor Japanese, which Jihoon is mostly familiar with because of their tours.

Jeonghan catches on to his confusion and his furrowed eyebrows, and leans on Jihoon's shoulder from the arm of Jihoon's chair he's sitting on to whisper to him.

"It's Italian."

Oh. Not like that does help though.

"Seungcheol and I learned it because of some connections, as you can see, but then we realized not a lot of people speak it in Korea. It lets us talk to each other without others knowing. That's why he's fluent."

"So then... what do you speak?"

"Fluently, Korean, English, Japanese, and Italian. Some Spanish, French, and some Thai too, but not fluently. We had to learn all these when we were kids. All of them for me, but Seungcheol is pretty much native in Japanese."

"Why?" Jihoon's eyebrows furrow.

"He's half-Japanese; his mother was fully Japanese, remember?"

"Oh. I do, I just..." He's never made the connection between the two, somehow; didn't realize it as a _fact_. Not like anything's different, it's just interesting, Jihoon guesses. When Korea and Japan's history is still so intricately difficult, one of the most powerful men in Korea to be half-Japanese... he guesses it's significant.

"So then, what is he saying?" He asks Jeonghan, because he's kind of curious why Seungcheol is furrowing his brow like that.

"We asked some people in New York to keep tabs on his brother. The guy's saying they've found some instances of illegal activity in his brother's past, some bribery and things like that. But they can't bring him down using them because he's protected by someone higher up of the mother company of the one he works at. Since he's a C-level employee at the smaller company then he's pretty connected in the parent company, it seems, which makes it harder for us because they're super big in the US, our main allies. We deal with the smaller ones but just because it's the type of business we need; the ones essential to our power we are actually connected to are the parent company. Seungcheol is just asking how connected he is, and why does there seem to be a personal connection."

Personal connection? That's interesting.

Seungcheol hangs up before long though, and puts his head in his hands.

"I think it's worse than it seems. But not now, because I have someone else I need help with."

\---

Barely one hour later, Jihoon's phone rings, which means it's either one of his members or one of his managers. Seungcheol and Jeonghan both stop for Jihoon to pull the phone out of his pocket. It is manager-hyung.

"Jihoon-ah, where are you?"

"I'm... in Gangnam. What's wrong?"

"You're closer than me then, you need to go to the hospital right now, Jihoon-ah. Soonyoung passed out from exhaustion today and they took him in to run some tests and put an IV on him. Kangwon-hyung's there, but you should go."

Jihoon freezes.

"Leaving now, I'll be there as soon as I can."

"What's wrong?" Seungcheol asks him, both him and Jeonghan turning to him. Jihoon keeps his wits together so he doesn't burst with anger or start crying. Until he knows Soonyoung is alright, that is. After that, all bets are off.

"I have to go. Can you drive me somewhere, please?"

\---

Jihoon can't go into Soonyoung's room yet, not until they finish tests, so he settles to pace the corridors, going to get some water so he doesn't pass out himself. He hates it, hates all of this, hates how awful it sits inside him and how _guilty_ he feels. He has barely been to the dorm or in their practice room in three days, either stuck in his studio or in the rare moments he allowed himself, with Seungcheol. He only made the time to eat ramen with Mingyu at a convenience store at 4 AM two days ago, and hasn't seen anyone since then, only kept up with the group chats.

And of course Wonwoo is there when Jihoon walks down another corridor; he's surprised he isn't closer to Soonyoung's room. At least that much he respects, Soonyoung's privacy and the fact their manager would ask questions if he was to push. Jihoon stops in front of him, sees Wonwoo raise his eyes to his.

"I wanna talk to him."

 _"Over my dead fucking body, Jeon Wonwoo."_ His eyes narrow, and Jihoon couldn't care fucking less about what he wants right now.

“I told you to stay out of things that are not your concern. I get you’re worried, but...”

“You think the fact that my best friend and co-leader fainted from exhaustion is _not my concern?_ That I'm _worried,_ and not beside myself with anger and stress? Let me tell you, we are fucking idols, our bodies have learned to take so much shit. For us to pass out from exhaustion, there really needs to be _a lot of time_ that we practice and starve ourselves and not sleep for, and it's not even that intense of a time for us right now. And you think it's not my concern?!” The anger and the frustration all rise in Jihoon, color his tone red. He's _livid._

“I tried to make things better, and start hanging out again, but...”

“You tried to make things better on your terms, but now you’re going to try on my terms because I’m stepping in. So that means you’re either going to apologize to him for everything you’ve put him through and come clean to him not only with what you want, but also what you feel, and go from there, or you’re going to disappear from his life.”

“I don’t think it’s you who has to make that decision. He doesn’t want us to be over.”

“Listen to me, and listen to me very well. I know Soonyoung better than he knows himself, and he knows me better than I know myself. I know he won’t ever willingly let go even if he wouldn’t love you because he’s stubborn, and he likes his projects finished, be it choreographies, people, songs, whatever. But he is in love with you, so that means he will _surely_ not let go. But I also know how he works, I know how frustrated and hateful he gets at himself when something doesn’t work out how he likes. You not being clear in your relationship is going to kill him, more than you leaving. So that means you have to get over your issues and force him to get over the issues he has with you being part of the family too, which I’m also working on. And then, only then will it be fine. Before you can be clear with yourself on how you want to do that, leave him alone. Or I swear...”

“Don’t threaten me. I also want him to be okay.”

Jihoon huffs. “I am threatening you because I don’t want to be fake with you and stab you in the back. I want him to have someone because that makes it better for me too, but not someone like you have been to him. So I _am_ threatening you, and telling you I will do whatever in my power to end you if you hurt him again. Don’t _ever_ underestimate me.”

\---

"Wonwoo was here, wasn't he? A nurse told me someone asked about me, and it wasn't you or manager-hyung."

"He was."

"Where is he? I'll talk to him."

“I sent him home. He has some thinking to do.”

“Jihoon...”

“You do too.”

“I want him. You know that.”

“But you can’t go on like you’ve been until now, seriously,” he admonishes Soonyoung, sitting down on his bed. "Soonyoung-ah."

“What do you mean?”

“You have to be okay. With him and me. You can't fall for him and then blame yourself for going for something that's against your beliefs. You are adaptable, why are you so stubborn now?”

The eye roll Jihoon expected, it's nothing new.

"I'm serious."

The turn of his head away from Jihoon, that he expected too. His sigh, the hesitation, he knows Soonyoung is feeling all that. But right now, he is on a hospital bed with an IV in his arm, so it's the proper time to reconsider.

"Promise me you'll think more about it and you'll talk to me and him. Please. You can't be one foot in and one foot out, it's exhausting you, and it's exhausting for us. Promise."

"Fine," he resigns to Jihoon's pleading words, and despite himself, Jihoon is relieved. If it gets him to think, it's enough. "I'm... I think I'm getting to be okay with it, I guess. Not much choice I have."

"You do, but... I'm glad though," Jihoon whispers. He is glad. "I want you to think a lot, but I also want you to talk and be more open. No more dumb things, okay? I will kill you myself if you pull shit like this again."

Soonyoung nods, and Jihoon hugs him, even though their position is awkward and Jihoon is not that into skinship.

Fuck that. He's glad Soonyoung's fine, and that's all that matters right now. Jihoon has to spend more time at the dorm though from now, and with his members; he promises himself he'll keep a closer eye on everything. No excuses anymore, there can be no more excuses.

\---

Seungcheol presses the gas pedal, passes the barrier to the dock which lifts up in front of them.

"Why do you think Mi-eun's sister's son is part of it? I don't know if he's that suspicious."

"Did you not get that vibe from him? He was completely out of it at the party, and I am pretty sure he is close to her son. Something's off, and I just want to see how he reacts when we show up."

"Showing up in the dead of the night..."

"It's 9 PM."

"...in the night when they receive a shipment of cocaine from China is probably not the right time; everybody will be surprised anyway. Your father never went to these things."

"We have masks and hats, cameras won't see us, and maybe setting a precedent might be better."

"I'm here because I agree with that last part, but be careful placing blame on him if he is surprised."

Jeonghan is right; nobody, no sane head in the history of their company has ever done that. Especially with drugs, probably the most targeted, illegal operation of their family. But everyone knows Seungcheol is not entirely sane anyway, and considering how twisted he is himself over bringing drugs into Korea, no matter how clean and checked and managed, he wants a better handle on this. The last thing he wants to do is to be unaware of _this_ of all things.

Two birds with one stone; figuring out who one of the key players in her plans might be, and learning more about drugs business.

Seungcheol passes Jeonghan one of the masks and he parks the Range Rover, heading through the dock and through the containers to the one they're supposed to receive. They're waiting for the ship to pull up, so Seungcheol figures it is the perfect moment to approach where his men are gathered. First, the men look at him and Jeonghan carefully, he notices, which is a good sign; they're observant and careful. He's found earlier where the cameras are and told Jeonghan about them, so he makes sure to pick a blind spot when he pulls down his mask and approaches them.

They immediately recognize him even in the darkness, gasping and getting up from their makeshift chairs to bow, and Seungcheol shuts them up, waves them to sit back down. Only Younggun doesn't make a move that quickly, stands up and barely bows.

Poor manners, this one. Just like his stepmother's son.

"Good evening. What are you doing here, _daepyonim?_ "

"Thought we'd drop by, see how this is going."

"That is not customary," he says, raising an eyebrow in surprise Seungcheol sees behind his mask and hat anyway. He pulls his mask up back up too under the hat.

"It is not. But we want to be a little more involved."

Drugs were something they really started late, well into his father's reign, and he knows that one of the reasons his father married Mi-eun was the fact that her family is an important shipbuilding and transportation company. So they are way more involved in this than Seungcheol likes, both her son and his friends and her family. Besides seeing what Younggun is up to, as the person responsible for receiving shipments, he needs to make leeway into knowing and understanding this part of business better. Jeonghan knows that too, since he's the one who brought it up to him; they might differ on whether Younggun is involved or not, but this they can see soon.

The ship comes, and Younggun and his four men get up to ensure the proper container is taken off and added to their truck for transport. When they're done, Seungcheol and Jeonghan overseeing the whole operation, he notices there are only four people around the truck. A quick search around tells him Younggun is making a phone call, putting his phone in his back pocket.

"You saw it too, right?" Jeonghan whispers.

"Yeah."

"Telling Junhui to get phone records from him."

"But if it's a burner phone? Let's go, come with me. We're gonna get it from him. I'm gonna bump into him, you do it." Jeonghan nods, so Seungcheol sets off to jog slowly towards the truck, Jeonghan taking a right to head to the back of it.

"So when are you unpacking this?" He asks the man who he knows is Younggun's second-in-command in these operations, walking close to where they're securing it. From the corner of his eye, he sees Younggun approach, and nods to Jeonghan.

"We're going to do it in a few days, on Sunday afternoon, most probably."

"Good. I'll be there," he nods, and then makes a few couple steps backward to bump into Younggun abruptly.

"Oh, shit," he exclaims, turning around to grab him by the arms. He sees Jeonghan quickly grab the phone next to his wallet, and then in the mess, Seungcheol drops his own burner phone and pushes it around in the gravel until it's under the wheel of the truck. A waste of a perfectly good phone, but if it gets them something...

"Oh shit, sorry. You good? I hope you didn't bump your head."

"Yeah, I'm fine. My fault, sorry."

"No, you're good. We're gonna get out of here, we've been in your way enough tonight. Good work, everyone," he says right as the guy driving the truck pulls away. Behind him, the remainders of Seungcheol's crushed phone are obvious in the gravel; you can't even tell what type of phone it is anymore though, especially in the darkness.

"Oh, is this someone's phone?" Jeonghan asks, picking up on it immediately. Seungcheol taps his pockets.

"Got mine? Anyone else?"

"Fuck, that was mine," Younggun swears under his breath. "Fucking hell."

"That shit's gone, man," Seungcheol pats him on the shoulder. "Sorry, my bad. I bumped into you."

"It's okay. Just gonna throw it in the trash, it's useless. I'll get a new one. Sorry about that, have a good night. Thank you for dropping by, we're all good. Gonna unpack this Sunday and all's well."

"Good. Let me know if there's any issues. Good work, have a good night."

He does throw it in the trash, and then they leave. Seungcheol and Jeonghan wait around, pretend to go to their car, and when Younggun's car leaves too, Seungcheol picks up his own crushed phone from the trash. Even if it's a burner phone, it still has a sim card, and no numbers should ever be found.

"Ugh. Disgusting."

"Your idea," Jeonghan rolls his eyes. "Let's go by the office, think I dropped my keys there."

\---

When they get back, Jeonghan picks up his dropped keys from Seungcheol's office and yawns.

"I'm going home, if this is done. Is that okay? Tomorrow we can look over what numbers Junhui gives us from his phone and Sunday, we go supervise the unpacking," Jeonghan says, puts his coat back on.

"Yeah, of course. I think I need that file with the profits we were talking about earlier today from your apartment though. Wanna work on it tomorrow, so I might go look for it now; is that okay with you? We can get dinner if Jisoo didn't eat yet."

"Yeah. Jisoo knows where we have those files, I think, he can give it to you, and you can eat together."

Seungcheol nods robotically, going to pick up his coat, when he realizes it.

"Wait. You said you're going home."

Jeonghan's eyes fall, and Seungcheol immediately knows something's wrong.

"I'm not going home, I'm going... _home_ home."

The realization hits Seungcheol like a freight train. "Is it your dad? Still?"

"Yeah. It's been... particularly often this year, and worse since her anniversary."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Seungcheol even forgot to ask; he thought that since two weeks had passed, it would be alright. He walks to Jeonghan slowly, makes him raise his eyes, hopes his own show the guilt. He's been so busy and distracted with everything recently, he forgot. He fucking _forgot._

"I'm going to hang out with mom, don't want her to be alone."

"Is Jisoo...?"

"He says he's fine, but I don't want to trigger him and put him through that if I can help it."

"Let's go," Seungcheol affirms determinedly, and Jeonghan crooks an eyebrow.

"Where?"

"I'm coming with you. Let's go home."

"You don't have to."

"Let's go."

\---

"Hello, mother," Seungcheol calls out when they enter the house, and Jeonghan's mother immediately appears from the kitchen.

"Seungcheol-ah! Come in, come," Jeonghan's mom ushers them in, and a maid comes in to take their snow-heavy coats. It started snowing since they left the office, so Seungcheol thanks her with a smile since it must be uncomfortable. He follows them to the kitchen, Jeonghan walking in front, his mother's hand in his.

"I'm glad I had more food made. Come on, sit. Do you two want some wine?"

He wouldn't say no to wine, so he nods, sees Jeonghan do the same. At his mother's prompting, Seungcheol finds the glasses for the Montrachet while she gets the wine from the wine fridge.

"I'm sorry I didn't come since two weeks ago. I'm really, really sorry, I didn't know," he tells her next to the kitchen counter, and she puts a gentle hand on his arm.

"Don't worry, dear. It's okay, I know you're busy. It's been longer this year, but he's getting better. Thank you for coming anyway," she smiles, and Seungcheol smiles in return, although he's feeling _so_ guilty.

"Please don't thank me. I should've been here. Is he sleeping now?"

"Yeah, they gave me some stronger medicine for him for when he has worse crises and gets violent or dangerous. He's going to sleep for the rest of the night. Let's eat, come on."

They walk to sit down at the table, Seungcheol taking his usual place next to Jeonghan, and as always, the food is amazing. The chefs in their house have always been incredible, probably from Jeonghan's parents' love for food too.

"So how's your boy doing? Jeonghan told me he's really doing great."

"Yeah. He's getting used to it, I guess. It's a lot to take in, but honestly, he's incredibly capable. So it's okay."

"He called Seungcheol out on something wrong and managed to convince him of it in the same evening, so he's not a pushover at all," Jeonghan chuckles to his mom.

"He convinced you? That's a feat."

"I'm not that stubborn!" Seungcheol protests, but both Jeonghan and his mom chuckle ironically at him. They really resemble each other, and knowing what they're going through, to see them laugh even at his expense, Seungcheol doesn't mind.

\---

"Do you want a shirt?" The one Jeonghan waves at him is decidedly too small for him, so he shakes his head. Jeonghan never brought actual clothes to his home, probably cause he was never there for too long after childhood, so all he has are clothes which are seemingly from long before college.

"You should just go home, Cheol-ah. Seriously."

"No. I'm staying. Come on," he shakes his head from the bed. Jeonghan's sigh is as large as the room, but Seungcheol wasn't there for him when he should have, so he can be here now, at least.

Jeonghan turns the lights off, and the bedside lamp too, but the room is still bathed in soft moonlight from the window. Snowflakes are falling gently, and it's so beautiful Seungcheol almost wants to leave it, but Jeonghan's frustrated sigh convinces him otherwise.

"I'll get it," he stands up and closes the curtains, feels his way back under the covers.

"I've always fucking hated this bed. So uncomfortable," Jeonghan whispers, his tone still frustrated, so Seungcheol turns on his back.

"Come here, you big baby."

Jeonghan silently moves, rests his head on Seungcheol's chest and his arm drapes over his stomach.

"Is Jihoon okay with this?" He whispers.

"I don't know. We didn't have that conversation yet."

"Cheol-ah..."

"It's fine."

The conversation ends at that. Seungcheol can tell Jeonghan's not sleeping, his breathing too uneven. Unlike years ago in this bed, Seungcheol doesn't have to cover Jeonghan's ears so he can sleep through screams, fights, and the sound of shattering glass. But the feeling is a little bit similar, a little bit terrifying still. No matter how much life is different, how much power you have, some things cannot be changed.

"You can cry if you want."

"I'm not crying over this again." Jeonghan's voice is shaky. Seungcheol draws his fingers through his wet hair, exhales a large breath, and waits. "I... I just want it to be over. I don't want to see my mom going through all of this again."

"She's strong."

"She is, but that doesn't mean it _has_ to happen," the frustration in his tone rises, builds up like he will end up crying. "I know it's not rational, and it's stupid. But I just want it to _stop._ "

There's no fix for that. No matter how sorry Seungcheol is, feeling sorry doesn't change anything, and telling him it will be okay and his father will be fine is not true.

So Seungcheol doesn't say anything, keeps running his hand through Jeonghan's hair, gently pulling his fingers apart to detach tangled strands.

"Thanks," Jeonghan murmurs in a whisper Seungcheol barely hears.

"Don't thank me. I want to be here. Just... fucking tell me when you need me," he whispers in return.

"You're busy. You have Jihoon now, and all this mess with _that..._ "

"Stop, please. You know nothing matters more than how we are. _Nothing._ "

"Does it not anymore?" Jeonghan mumbles. "Does it really not?"

"When you started dating Jisoo, did anything change?"

"No, but... He brought it up. And we said we'd stop when we both have partners."

"And we did. But do you think we have to _fuck_ for our relationship to mean something?"

"...No."

"Then?"

Jeonghan switches so he can look at him, stands up on his elbows above Seungcheol. Seungcheol's eyes have gotten used to the darkness, so when he looks to the left and slightly down, he can make out Jeonghan's features.

"If I asked you to sleep with me. If I told you I needed you to because... because I needed it, and Jihoon wasn't okay with it. What would you do?"

"You wouldn't."

"But if I would?"

Seungcheol knows that Jeonghan is hurt now, that he's particularly sensitive, and he doesn't want to hurt him even further. But it doesn't even matter, because the truth is that Seungcheol would never, under any circumstances, lie to Jeonghan anyway, and his answer will always be the same.

"I'd do it. Of course I would."

"Why? Because you'd pity me? Because of the past, because we became something and we'll always have to be that? Because of what?" He doesn't seem happy with Seungcheol's answer, his tone rising even if he's still whispering.

"Did you ever hate it when people called us brothers? Or like brothers? Because I did. Because I know that brotherhood means jack shit in this world, and besides the other... implications, you're not like a brother to me. Besides what we have to do, our roles and stuff and being up there together, you're the only person I've had unconditionally from birth and I know I'll have until I die, and the only one I'll ever be fully there for. We'll probably die together too, you know? What you mean to me is way beyond brotherhood, or relationships, or love, or jealousy, or whatever, and it's not that I won't ever let anything stand in the way of that, but there's nothing that  _can._  And if you asked me something that you _need,_ I won't ever fucking hesitate, because you'd be right to ask it of me. You're always first to me. Everything else comes second."

Jeonghan's shock is loud through the silence.

"Did you doubt that? At any second? If yes, then I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I really didn't mean to. I want you to always rely on me."

Jeonghan does cry. He buries his face in Seungcheol's neck, and Seungcheol feels his tears wet his skin. So he hugs him tight, wraps an arm around his back and lets him cry, because he deserves it, until his head lifts up slightly, enough for him to talk, even if muffled by Seungcheol's neck.

"I will never sabotage your relationship anyway, I hope you know that."

"I never even thought about it, don't worry. It will be fine, and I'll always be here if you need me."

"Me too. I'll always be here too. And... you're first for me too."

And that's it. Seungcheol doesn't imagine a life where he doesn't have Jeonghan. They've gotten enough shit over that in their lives, but they've always come out stronger from it. That's how it is.

\---

It doesn't mean everything is fine though. Not at all. Both Jeonghan and he startle awake in the morning at the sound of something hitting the floor hard, and Seungcheol immediately jumps from the bed.

"Stay here. Please," he tells Jeonghan, whose eyes are wide, but he nods. His father can be triggered by seeing him when he's in one of his crises, so Seungcheol patters quickly down the stairs, runs to where the shouts come from.

Jeonghan's father spots him right away when he enters the living room, and lunges towards him.

"You! If you're here, he's here too. Where's that son of a bitch? Where is he, I'll kill him!"

Seungcheol hasn't seen him this bad and out of his mind in years, since they took him to the US. He's also never been that violent or threatened Jeonghan like this since even further, maybe since childhood, when his crises were more constant than periodic and he was still plagued by grief. Thankfully, Seungcheol's reactions are quicker and he's stronger, so he manages to grab him by the arms and hold him while their house security comes. Jeonghan's mother appears in the door, but Seungcheol signals it's fine, that she can stay away for now.

The security men know what to do to calm him down, and Seungcheol is pretty sure one of them injects something in his arm before he calms down and his eyes become foggy, unfocused, and they take him from Seungcheol.

"Thank you, sir."

When he's away, Jeonghan's mother comes to the living room. She doesn't smile, but the corner of her mouth turns up in an expression of thankfulness, of something else bittersweet. Seungcheol realizes he's shirtless and she knew he slept with Jeonghan, but he puts that aside.

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. Go, it's alright."

So Seungcheol does, runs back up the large stairs, two at once, to Jeonghan's bedroom, where he's sitting on the edge of the bed, his forehead in his hands and his wrists pressing into his eyes. Seungcheol kneels next to the bed and hugs him, Jeonghan wrapping his arms slowly around his back.

"You didn't have to go instead of me," he mumbles. "I've been dealing with it, I've heard worse. Last week he told me he'd kill me like I killed her, suffocate me until I couldn't breathe."

His words make Seungcheol's stomach turn, his eyes scrunching.

"Is that why you had those marks on your neck?"

"He didn't do much damage, it's fine. I pushed him away and held him down until they came."

_No._

"Jeonghan-ah... You have to put him somewhere safe. It's time. Seriously..." He doesn't answer, so Seungcheol pulls back and grabs him by the shoulders, forces him to look at him. "You don't believe it, do you? Please tell me you don't, you were just a child. You didn't kill her."

"I did though."

" _You didn't._ You were two, you didn't know, and she was sick. You didn't."

"I..."

"You didn't, Jeonghan-ah," Seungcheol repeats confidently, determined. He _needs_ to see it.

Jeonghan nods after hesitating for quite a while, but he's not lying. So Seungcheol calms down too, puts a hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry."

His nose scrunches, lips turning down, and he shakes his head. "Nothing to be sorry about. It's fine."

Their deep breaths time somehow, until Jeonghan's eyes raise to his. The silence is heavy, both of them startled by the events. If it was another time, another place...

Jeonghan opens his mouth to talk. "I think it might be time to convince my mom."

"Let's do it. I'll help."

\---

Seungcheol's in the kitchen, putting his dishes away, when he notices his driver pulled up, the one he sent for Jihoon. But there's a long delay between him leaving, and the little jingle of the door being opened ringing. Jihoon's hesitating; something in Seungcheol twists. A feeling so dark, so powerless spreads in his mind, but he forces it away.

Jihoon appears in the kitchen, so Seungcheol turns to look at him.

"Hi, Jihoon-ah. Are you sure you didn't want dinner?"

"Hi. I ate with my members, it's fine. Can we talk?"

"Sure. Let's head to the couch. Want wine?"

Jihoon shakes his head, tucks himself in the left side of the large couch, close to the corner. Seungcheol sits across from him on its right side, like they always do when they talk.

"What's up? You worried me, is everything okay with Soonyoung and everybody?"

"Yeah, he's fine now. I guess... I have an issue."

His eyes widen. The thoughts in his head go thousands of places, and while he feels they might not be all right, they're also not all... _wrong._

"What is it?"

"I... I realized how shitty I've been to my members. I kept saying that I'd be there for them more, and stuff, but if I'm not with you, I'm in the studio, and it's really gotten out of my control. Now with Soonyoung... I guess I've been really terrible, and no matter what I say, I really need to put my money where my mouth is."

"What are you saying?"

"Look... I think the reason I never told you about Soonyoung and I is that back then, when... we all knew that you were lying, I promised him and myself something. That I'd always put them first. No matter if I had someone or not, was... sleeping with Soonyoung or not. I haven't been doing that. I haven't been putting them first at all, and now I'm saying this to you, and hurting you too..." He puts his head in his hands, so he doesn't cry. Not out of sadness, but out of frustration; Seungcheol can tell how he is, and he doesn't blame him.

"I get it. Look, I really get it. I also have a relationship that I always have to put first that I haven't recently." Seungcheol messed up exactly at the moment he shouldn't have; exactly when he was needed the most. He gets Jihoon, gets him so badly.

"Jeonghan...?"

"Yes."

"Is he okay?"

"He's fine. The same way Soonyoung is fine." Meaning they're not really. "I'm not gonna go back to sleeping with him or anything, and it's not like that, but..." Seungcheol continues.

"You don't have to explain it to me. Trust me, I get it. I trust you, and this doesn't change anything for me. I guess we're just going to prioritize other relationships for a while."

"Doesn't change anything for me either. I still want to see you whenever you have time. I don't want to push you anyway." He guesses they're more honest now with what they have to do. It feels like he's taking Jihoon as he is, with his life beyond what he is for Seungcheol, and he hopes it's the same for Jihoon. Not like they're forcing themselves to create a utopian love story, ignoring their circumstances and their backgrounds.

"You won't, you're not pushing me to anything. I'll help as well, with everything that's going on; please don't use this to push me back to where we were."

Seungcheol shakes his head. He won't, not if Jihoon wants to be here. 

"I won't. We'll learn how to balance each other and our lives more, okay?"

"Okay."

The only hope is that they can live with the knowledge that they are each other's second choice.

\---

_"You know you don't have to stay in Daegu with me. You can go back to Seoul. You can tell them we fought or something."_

_"No."_

_"But... you said it yourself, that you have no friends and you hate it here. You shouldn't live with me and my grandparents, you should live with your family. And we're starting high school next year, going to college in three. You have to study at good hagwons, you're smart."_

_Jeonghan scoffs. "We're both going to get into Seoul National anyway. Why does it matter."_

_"Go back to Seoul. You're not happy here."_

_"I'm not leaving."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because maybe I'm not fully happy here, but if I go back, I'll be even sadder."_

_"...why?"_

_"Because you're not there, dumbass," he says coolly with his eyes still in the book, turns another page and picks up the highlighter, uncaps it._

_Seungcheol sighs, but honestly, he would be sadder too._

_**********_

_He waits for Jeonghan to get out of math outside the school like he's done every Wednesday so far so they can walk home together. He told his driver not to pick them up today because the weather's nice, finally spring, and he wants to enjoy it. He sees Jeonghan turning the corner of the building, and leans up from the wall to meet him in the middle, but then he sees Lee, an asshole from the grade above theirs running to Jeonghan with some other dumbass friends of his, and he's clearly up to no good._

_"You faggot! Come back here!"_

_Seungcheol's switch to absolutely livid immediately turns and he goes to walk that way, but before he can reach him, Jeonghan turns around abruptly to them._

_"Say it again. Say it again, and I swear I will_ crush you. _Think with that one brain cell in that empty head of yours and know who you're insulting, you absolute fucking piece of shit, because unlike others in this school, I won't hold back from ending you."_

_"Jeonghan-ah," Seungcheol reaches him, grabs his wrist. "Stop it. We're going."_

_"You come back here," Lee threatens them. Seungcheol spares him one murderous look, nothing more. He's been here for a bit longer and has enough of a reputation to know they shouldn't mess with him. Plus, Lee was there when his father kneeled in front of Seungcheol's grandfather at a dinner last week for a mistake he had made, in front of Seungcheol._

_So Seungcheol grabs Jeonghan's hand and drags him away until they're out of the school grounds, and lets Jeonghan fume silently next to him on the walk home together._

_**********_

_When they're studying in Jeonghan's room, the weather suddenly too rainy for them to be in the garden, Jeonghan drops his pen and closes his book. Seungcheol notices when he hasn't opened it in a while, and looks up at him from his own book._

_"He's not wrong, Cheol-ah."_

_"What... what do you mean?" What is he saying?_

_"He's not wrong."_

_Seungcheol wonders if Jeonghan is nervous admitting this because, for some reason, Seungcheol's heart is beating miles in his chest, nervous for him._

_"I don't like girls. I never have," he admits quietly, the last part whispered, his eyes scrunched and his eyebrows furrowing. "I like boys. I like_ boys, _Cheol-ah."_

_And he cries._

_Seungcheol moves in an instant to hug him tight, feels Jeonghan's silent tears wetting his shirt. He cries too, because he can't imagine something harder to admit to yourself, nonetheless to someone else._

_"It's okay. It's okay. It's fine. Nothing's changed."_

_\---_

_"What the fuck happened to you?" Jeonghan shouts, rushes to him from the table when he opens the gate to the garden behind their house._

_"Okay, I know it looks bad, but..."_

_"What did you do?" He asks, his eyes as wide as saucers, fingers reaching to Seungcheol's face, turning it left and right to see it. His nose is broken, Seungcheol's pretty sure, but he's wiped most of the blood off, and it can't look that bad. Or so he hopes._

_"I'm fine. I did nothing."_

_"Then who the hell did this to you? Why?" His tone turns murderous, and he knows Jeonghan would end anyone who hit him._

_But Seungcheol doesn't need him to._

_"It was Lee, but..."_

_"Did you start a fight with him? You idiot!"_

_"I didn't! I didn't, why would I get suspended? I just made him punch me."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because he hurt you. So_ he _should get in trouble."_

_Jeonghan's eyes stay wide, his mouth open at Seungcheol, and his eyes searching his, unblinking._

_One second later, Seungcheol feels a faint pressure on his lips, but as quickly as he registers it, it's gone. The only thing that's confirming it was real is Jeonghan's hand over his own mouth in shock, his eyes even wider than before._

_"Hannie..."_

_"Grandpa's taking you to the hospital. Let's go," his expression turns normal like nothing happened, dragging Seungcheol by the wrist into the house._

_Seungcheol wants to protest because they need to talk about_ that, _but before he can, Jeonghan shouts._

_"Grandpa! Grandma! Where are you?"_

_\---_

_That night, he wonders if he should knock. He never has, never needed to, because nothing is a secret between them._

_Nothing_ should _be, but it looks like Jeonghan has been keeping one secret from him._

_He doesn't knock. He opens the door, sees Jeonghan in his bed reading a book, and closes the door, locks it behind him. Jeonghan's eyes narrow, and he wants to say something, but Seungcheol doesn't let him, climbs up on his bed over his blanket._

_And kisses him._

_It's weird. Seungcheol hasn't really kissed anyone before, doesn't know what it's supposed to feel like, but knows enough to determine that probably your noses are not supposed to mash together like that and maybe it should be softer because Seungcheol's broken nose_ hurts, _Jeonghan's book digging in his chest. But before he can think, Jeonghan pulls away, leaving Seungcheol with his mouth open and panting in the almost darkness of his bedroom, the ghost of a feeling still on his lips._

 _He doesn't say anything, and neither does Seungcheol. When Seungcheol kisses him this time though, it's softer, he makes sure to angle his head more, and_ oh. Okay.

_Jeonghan pulls away again, just a little, just enough to look for whatever he needs to find in Seungcheol's eyes. Seungcheol hopes the determination that he feels is enough to convince him, because Seungcheol didn't come in here with any other reasons or any other ideas, really._

_When Seungcheol kisses him for the third time, Jeonghan moves his lips slowly over his, opens his mouth and licks over Seungcheol's lip tentatively, barely there, like he's trying to test the waters with what he can do or not._

_Seungcheol doesn't realize he let out a moan until Jeonghan presses closer, moves his lips over his more intensely, and now Seungcheol can really see what it's about. It's a bit dizzying, Jeonghan under him like that, kissing him so intently, knowing what they're doing is absolutely dangerous and probably fairly forbidden in the unspoken rules of their families. But it feels really good,_ _feels_ right.

 _They kiss until Seungcheol's lips are sore, until that weird pressure in his chest is gone and his heart is beating less intensely with Jeonghan's head resting on his chest, his eyes determinedly closed._ _Seungcheol runs his fingers through his long hair, untangles the strands by gently taking his fingers apart. He wants to say something, but Jeonghan's breathing is even._

 _Seungcheol didn't want to lose Jeonghan before. But now? He can't even_ imagine _losing him. At all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me. 🥺
> 
> (Also happy Carat day/Seventeen day lovelies! 💎 Writing this fic and being in this amazing family is one of the best experiences of my life, so thank you all for being here with me, and sharing your thoughts and comments and love for these amazing boys! So much love, and thank you from the bottom of my heart!
> 
> I've also stopped lurking and made a Twitter: @bbysvts. Come rant to me, complain, give me ideas, fight me, whatever you'd like!)


	9. from the first day that I saw you until right now | you're always in my heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for waiting two extra days for this chapter! My exams this week are the most important, so I'm taking a bit more time to study. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter though, and I'm looking forward to your thoughts!

"Is everyone here?" He asks Chan, who shrugs, but then thinks.

"Almost? Seungkwan-hyung's auditioning for the variety show, and Soonyoung-hyung and I are leaving in a bit, but besides that, yes."

"Okay. Before you leave, can we gather for a second? I have something to show you."

Chan nods, and goes to get everyone. Jihoon has to admit he has a soft spot for him. Even if he's a bit spoiled and often talks back, they're so lucky to have probably the most talented, hard-working, and smart maknae in the industry. And one who mostly listens to Jihoon. Mostly.

"What's up, hyung?" Mingyu asks, dropping down on the floor. Jihoon connects his laptop to the speaker system in the house and watches as they trickle in, Seokmin lounging all over Soonyoung and dropping down on his and Mingyu's laps, Minghao almost laying on Mingyu too. Hansol, as always, needs to be reminded again, and Chan drags him to the living room.

"The recording for our album is done, so I guess I wanted to show all of it to you before we go into mastering. We still have time to make changes, but we should do it early if we need to."

The first notes to _Thinkin' About You_ play to a chorus of loud _oohs_ , drowning the song, and admittedly, it sounds good. Jihoon's changed the intro after they recorded it, and he's indeed proud of how it turned out.

They barely get one minute in when the door is slammed open.

"You started without me?" Seungkwan bellows loudly from the door, trips out of his shoes and lounges towards Hansol and Chan, quickly sitting down.

"Play it again, hyung, quick," he demands, and Jihoon rolls his eyes, replays the song.

"Oh. It's different?"

"Yes, a little bit. I turned it a bit more to an intro."

"It sounds really amazing, hyung," Chan nods, and it really does. The change from Seokmin to Mingyu, and then to Hansol's _thinkin' about you_ sounds pretty good. The rap verses after the first chorus are also particularly good, even if Jihoon would've preferred deeper voices to contrast with the high notes of the chorus. Mingyu and Hansol did amazing though, and Minghao's part is remarkable too, quite the killing part. Jihoon sees Soonyoung squeeze Minghao's shoulder, and he's proud of how far he's come too.

 _Thanks_ trickles in next, and from the first notes it hits Jihoon, and by the looks of it, also everyone else. They had decided this would be the one thing they would attempt to do for their fans, to thank them for the support, although they all know that this is nothing. It's not a sad song, or at least the beat is not, but Seungkwan tears up anyway, and so does Seokmin, and before long, there are tears in everybody's eyes. It's a song that means a lot to them, and he hopes their fans like it too. There is a twist in his chest that doesn't go away even through the next songs, when the last notes of _Falling For U_ finish.

"That's so good. We did a good job," Seungkwan tearfully says, and Jihoon nods.

"We did. The fans will love it."

"You've done so well, hyung, you worked so hard," Seokmin throws himself to him, Jihoon awkwardly patting him on the back. Seungkwan joins him, and then Chan, and then everyone, and Jihoon doesn't know what to do with all this affection. He's just done his job.

\---

Out of all places in their building, Jihoon hates the floor with the executive offices the most. He doesn't ever recall anything good coming out of a personal meeting with executives. Ever.

He's right. By the look on their vice-CEO's face, he can tell.

"Your managers told me something I wanted to bring up to you, Jihoon."

"Yes."

"They said you've been leaving the dorm quite often, staying nights somewhere."

Jihoon _barely_ holds himself from puffing into laughter. Right when he stopped spending that much time at Seungcheol's, after a year and a few months of being at his almost every other night. And just now they've decided to rat on him?

But he stays silent. They need to ask first.

"Are you in a relationship? If yes, you need to tell us, just so we know. So you're not released by the press."

Released by the press. Seungcheol owns the fucking press. Their fans and netizens are who Jihoon's worried about, but as always, Pledis have no clue.

"I'm not in a relationship, sir," he lies through his teeth, keeps a straight face. "If I'm outside of the dorm, it's to meet with other male idol friends or take walks, and usually when I'm not at the dorm during the night, I'm at the studio. I stopped messaging our managers because I often forgot and I thought they'd know, but I'll make sure to do so properly from now on."

"Alright, Jihoon. But you know you can tell us, alright? And there will be no consequences. We understand."

No consequences. What assholes.

"Of course I would tell you. Thank you."

"You're dismissed," he waves his hand and Jihoon bows and leaves.

Jihoon would be a fool to misunderstand the purpose of this meeting. They know he's dating someone and they're going to watch him like hawks from now on. Step wrongly once and there will be consequences.

He exhales a large breath, picks out his phone and opens the app to text Seungcheol.

_'Pledis knows I'm in a relationship.'_

The answer comes before Jihoon's even in his studio in the basement.

_'Just now? Took them quite a while.'_

_'They're going to watch me from now on. I'll have to be more careful leaving.'_

_'You can tell them if you need to, you know? I'll smack some sense into them if you need to, set them straight.'_

Jihoon huffs, settles into the couch in his studio.

_'It'd probably be their field day. Me dating a man? Ha. They'd own us forever._

_'It would be fun though? I could help with this, just let me know. I can buy them.'_

He would too, if Jihoon told him. He'd do it without even thinking twice.

_'It's okay. I'll be more careful, maybe I'll start coming to your office and leaving from there when you do. Comeback soon anyway.'_

One second after, Seungcheol's name appears on his screen, his phone ringing.

"Yeah?" He gets up and locks the door, settles in his couch.

_"I wanted to ask you something, actually. When's your comeback over? Do you get a break after?"_

"Yeah, I could probably take a break. End of February, beginning of March."

_"Okay. Can you? I just bought an island, and I wanted us to go there together."_

Jihoon's head naturally drops in his hand.

"You bought what?"

_"An island. It was not that expensive though. In my defense, it was less than my house."_

"That doesn't make it better. How much was it? Where is it?" Jihoon demands, his forehead in his arms.

_"I actually started the process to buy it a few months ago. It just went through. It's in Vanuatu, and... you want me to be honest with you?"_

"Yes, Seungcheol. I wouldn't ask if I didn't want you to."

_"10 billion won."_

" _Jesus,_ hyung."

_"You wanted me to be honest."_

"Yes, I did, but damn," Jihoon curses under his breath. "What the hell."

_"I mean, I still have to wait a little bit to ensure that it's safe and that the forest behind it is properly protected for the ecosystems there, but I was told it is pretty much ready. Might take a couple more weeks."_

"I cannot believe you. A fucking island?" Jihoon figures he should start getting used to things like these. Because Seungcheol seems to be absolutely insane.

_"Yeah. If you like it, I figured we could maybe... co-own it. Add your name on the contract."_

Jihoon's jaw drops.

"You're kidding."

_"Why would I be? I mean... I can't quite ask you to move in with me, so I thought maybe this could be the house we own together?"_

"I'm coming over and we're talking about this. Are you at the office?"

_"Yes."_

"Be there in 10."

\---

"Usually, when people offer other people to move in together or whatever, it means sharing exorbitantly expensive rent on a shitty apartment with rattling pipes and no elevator to the 4th floor, not co-owning a damn island!" Jihoon rants to Seungcheol right as he walks into his office, ensures nobody can see or hear them.

"I would've added you to my house, but I kind of figured a fresh start would be better," Seungcheol chuckles. "Plus, we're not a conventional couple. What's new?"

"What's new is you telling me you bought a 10 billion won island and you want me to own it with you? Does this not sound crazy to you?"

"No?" Seungcheol asks, his expression genuinely confused. Of course it doesn't sound crazy to him. His ass was probably wiped with 50,000 won bills when he was a baby. Or 10,000, because he's too old.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise. I mean..." He starts, gets up from the chair and leans on his desk, facing Jihoon, who's standing with his arms crossed and an accusatory expression. "I want you to see the sun, you know? You never go out, and especially not during the day because of fans or whatever, and unless you're at my house which you rarely are now, and only during the night, you're in the studio or in the dorm all day. This is a private island, so there are no fans, no cameras, no tabloids, nobody. Just you and I, and nature. You can be home while not being home and being out, you know? I miss just doing things outside, and I want to do them with you."

"And that's why you bought an island?" Jihoon asks, but even he notices his tone is noticeably quieter. Seungcheol got him. He got him.

"Yes. Even if it's for a few days... I just want to be with you and be free without you worrying about being caught. Can we do that?" Seungcheol's in front of him with his hands on Jihoon's hips before Jihoon can even blink.

"You... you didn't need to _buy an island_ for that."

"But this way, this can be _ours,_ right?"

Seungcheol decidedly has this way of taking emotions Jihoon doesn't even know are there and using them to convince him that things like these are normal. That it's normal for Seungcheol to spend 10 billion won just for Jihoon to be at peace and not worry about fans.

"You're not going to write my name on it though."

"So... about that," Seungcheol scratches his head, draws his lips. "I might have already told my lawyer to add it in the contract. You just need to sign it with me."

_"Hyung!"_

"It's more formal than anything, I swear! You don't have to worry about ownership or taxes or things like that. You just... I'd have to consult you if I want to sell or make changes or whatever, and we'd decide together, which we'd do anyway."

"You didn't consult me when you bought it," Jihoon's accusatory tone is back, accompanied by his crossed arms.

"Because it was a surprise!"

"There better be no other surprises from now on."

"Not unless they're for a purpose."

"Seungcheol," Jihoon admonishes him. Maybe once Jihoon will actually hold his ground and say no to something he'll learn.

"Can I show it to you? Come here," he drags Jihoon by the hand, pulling him in his lap. "It's in English, but there's Korean subtitles I had made."

He pulls up [the video](http://lataroisland.com/videos/), and it already looks gorgeous, just from the thumbnail. There's a lot of rainforest, the bungalows are gorgeous, and _maybe_ Jihoon can see himself relax on the patio, shower in the outside shower without a care for who might see him.

"I already had two more bungalows made, with four more bedrooms, just in case, you know..."

"My members would want to come?"

"Yes."

"It's... It's gorgeous."

"You can see yourself there, hmm?" Seungcheol teases him, biting at his neck.

"Yes. But I still stand my point: no more surprises."

"Okay. I promise. I'm excited to go there though. To spend some time with you," Seungcheol whispers in the back of his neck.

"Me too," Jihoon mumbles.

\---

"He bought you an island?"

"He did not _buy_ me an island," Jihoon rolls his eyes, continues browsing his phone.

"What's this about an island?" Seokmin asks Seungkwan, walking into their living room.

"Jihoon-hyung owns an island."

"I do not own an island! I'm just on the contract. It's not mine."

Jihoon can hear Seokmin's jaw drop, figures he'll take refuge in their room before the attack can truly commence. At least Minghao won't judge him.

"What's up, hyung?" Minghao asks him as he knocks and enters their room, drops down on Seokmin's bed.

"Nothing. They're making fun of me."

"Because Seungcheol-hyung bought you an island?"

"He did not buy me an island. You too, Hao-ya?"

"He bought one for you or because of you then. Trust me, I get it. I own a house in my city my family lives in. I did not pay one yuan for it."

Jihoon frowns, bites at his lip. "Are you okay with it?"

"Yeah. It took me a while, true, but I ended up being okay with it. But Junhui and I started out differently."

"I don't think you started out that much differently. He helped you, Seungcheol helped us. Helped me."

"I was in a much lower place than you were then. He pitied me, helped me because he saw how desperate, and yet how prideful I was, and from there it turned out different. You are, and were in a much higher position, so it's harder for you to accept things from him."

Jihoon turns on his side, looking at Minghao on the bed across Seokmin's he's sitting on.

"Your parents must know, right? I remember you telling me. How were they okay with it?"

"They're struggling to accept my orientation. But that orientation is much easier to accept when I'm dating the son of one of the most powerful and respected families in China. Junhui is powerful, well-mannered, kind, loves and respects me, _and_ bought them a house _._ "

Jihoon huffs. Of course. His mom would probably be happy too, would end up loving Seungcheol more than she loves him, all while not accepting the fact her son is dating him.

"I don't know how to be okay with him buying me things, and his position, and I don't know. I feel I'm still not."

"Why are you not? What's stopping you. Do you not like this stuff?"

"No, it's not that I don't _like it._ I just don't like him buying it for me."

"Let me tell you why. If he does, you feel lower, you feel owned. You feel that in order to be equal, you have to do something in return, make up for it, prove yourself, and you hate that because you can't imagine not being in control. You can't be lower, can't be made to feel like that."

Jihoon hums, not wanting to show how surprised he is Minghao read him just like that. He fails anyway.

"I told you I've been there. But you got to understand something: things are things. Things don't mean something unless you give them meaning. And that meaning is not the same for you and Seungcheol. He wants to spoil you, he is used to money, is used to it meaning nothing but means to an end, something to add to your comfort and your pleasures in life. You see it as a mark of ownership, of whatever, of you being lower. You're wrong."

"How am I wrong?"

"Love is not a back-and-forth. Love doesn't mean being equal, love doesn't mean that if someone does something for you, you have to do something in return. If you keep a tally of the things that happen or he buys you, you'll drive yourself crazy. And you know why? Because then you see yourself being nice to Seungcheol just to repay him for those things, instead of you being nice to him just because you love him. But then you also can't stop him from buying things, so just be okay with it. Make a balance, of course, he shouldn't buy you too many things, but you know, an island is not a stupid choice."

"It was _10 billion won,_ Hao. How is it not a stupid choice?"

"It's a vacation house. It's an investment; it's smarter than him buying you lots of clothes or a car or whatever. He did it because he wants you to be happy; accept that, take it without any repercussions or thoughts. It won't make you ungrateful or worthless. They have money; we should let them spend them. Smartly, but let them."

Jihoon thinks of the black card digging a hole in his wallet, untouched. Of Seungcheol telling him the same thing; taking his money doesn't mean he's a gold digger, or that he's worthless.

"Do you want to go for coffee? On me."

"Now? Why?"

"Let's go."

\---

They pick up Seokmin and Seungkwan, the only two other people in the house, and pick the cafe next to their apartment that is very rarely busy, and which has a little table tucked in the back, almost hidden from the rest.

The table's empty, and because it's almost 8 PM, the entire cafe is, except two elder women chatting over coffee. They go to the counter, Seokmin, Seungkwan, and Minghao all order drinks, and even though they're supposed to be dieting, Jihoon also picks up some pastries and cakes that look good. Fuck this. They deserve it.

When the guy behind the counter recites his total, Jihoon pulls out his wallet and takes out the black card. Maybe it doesn't mean anything to anyone else, but it means something to Jihoon when the guy swipes it and it goes through. It means a lot, and he wonders if Seungcheol knows too.

When they get to the table and their drinks and cakes are brought over, Minghao smiles, chuckles. He pulls out his wallet, and then, inside it, Jihoon sees the same card.

"What's this?" Seokmin asks, taking it when Minghao hands it to him.

"It's an unlimited card. You can pretty much buy anything with it, up to billions of won or whatever, as long as you pay it off after," Minghao explains.

"You and Jihoon-hyung have it? Woah," Seungkwan takes Minghao's too, twists it in his hand.

"Show us yours, hyung," Seokmin asks Jihoon, who takes his out again.

"Are they from...?"

"Yeah. I don't use mine much though."

"This is the first time I ever used it," Jihoon admits too. He's had it for around four months, and never took it out. When the guy swiped it, it felt both like something withered in his chest, and like the gates to some kind of a flood opened too. Jihoon is afraid of what Seungcheol will think. He'll probably take it as permission; Jihoon will probably arrive home to his whole closet being changed and packages waiting for him on his doorstep. 

"That's crazy. So you can buy anything?" Seokmin asks, his mouth open in surprise.

"I mean... As long as you pay it off."

"But you're not the one who is. Can we get marinated crabs? I'll call him to say thank you for treating us," Seungkwan grins.

Jihoon rolls his eyes. "I'll buy some with my own money. We'll order it from the dorm."

\---

"Wait. You have Seungcheol's number?" Jihoon asks Seungkwan when they get to the dorm, the realization just hitting him.

"We all do. Jeonghan-hyung, Jisoo-hyung, Wonwoo-hyung, Junhui-hyung's too. They gave them to us in case we need something."

It's quite an overstep, but Jihoon should know better than not be prepared for things like these. 

"Do you talk?"

"Yeah. I ask Jeonghan-hyung and Jisoo-hyung for fashion advice a lot, and where to buy things from online. Channie is particularly close to them though, I'm pretty sure he goes to their apartment sometimes," Seokmin comments. 

How was Jihoon blind to this? How didn't he know?

"We're all too afraid to text Seungcheol-hyung though. I'm pretty sure Mingyu did once to ask about the thing he had broken, but that was it. Wonwoo-hyung and Junhui-hyung too."

Fitting. Seungcheol is funny and goofy if you're close to him (only if you're close to him), but that is also only once you pass his general intimidating aura. Jeonghan and Jisoo appear significantly more approachable, even though Jihoon knows the truth is different and they're really quite forward, quite direct.

"You should do it. I'm sure he'd love it." Seungcheol thinks of his members a lot, always makes sure to ask about them and see how they are, order food or things for them. Jihoon is sure that if he'd let him, he'd also buy them clothes or other things too. That is besides how he's still technically sponsoring them.

"Alright! We will."

Seungcheol better prepare. Once his members get a green light, they can be pretty... _active._

\---

 _'Hyung, can I ask you something?'_ Jihoon texts, twisting his phone in his hands.

The reply comes in just a few minutes.

_'Yeah, of course.'_

_'Can I join you for some of those dinners you go to? With... the wives and so?'_

_'Of course, but why?'_

_'I feel like I should.'_

\---

"Okay, I think I changed my mind," Jihoon tells Jisoo, just seeing the house they're about to go into. "This is weird and strange and I feel like I'm about to walk into a den of snakes."

"You are about to," Jisoo smiles. "But imagine that you're one yourself. A big snake. A king snake. A green anaconda, if you wish."

"Not sure that's helpful."

"Come on. You're smart, you'll do really well. Plus, it's a tea. Not a dinner or anything of the sort, there's no roundtable discussion. You can just walk around with me, and you'll see people will gravitate to you."

Jihoon puts his collected mask on, thinks he's about to walk into a variety show or something of the sort. It probably will be funnier than one. It can't be that hard.

There's no stranger feeling, however, than walking into a room and immediately having all eyes pointed to you. Nothing that makes you want to crawl into yourself more, hide and run away from how uncomfortable it is. But Jihoon is a performer, goddamn. He'd be stupid to let himself be intimidated now, or at least show it.

Jisoo doesn't delay at the door, walks in and immediately heads to a table, and Jihoon follows, plasters on a smile. They look surprised, but also have smiles on their faces.

"We see you brought a guest, Jisoo-yah," one of them, the oldest one says, and Jisoo smiles.

"How have you been doing, Ms. Lee? I have. This is Lee Jihoon, but..."

"Of course, there's no need to introduce him to us," she chuckles. "My name is Lee Jeongja. My husband and I are accountants for the family."

"It is a pleasure to meet you," Jihoon bows to her, turns to the other two women.

"I am Choi Hyunmi. Seungcheol and I are cousins."

"Distant cousins," the first woman says, barely hiding her comment.

"Still cousins," the woman who introduced herself as Hyunmi rolls her eyes to the one who introduced herself as Jeongja, and then turns back to Jihoon with a smile he now knows is crafted.

"Pleasure to meet you."

"My name is Park Sungmi. Very nice to meet you." The third woman's voice is deep, gravely, sounding slightly informal, and Jihoon is struck by some reason by how paced out, flat it sounds.

"It is very nice to meet you as well," Jihoon repeats. "I've been waiting for quite a while to come to these events."

"Oh, we have been waiting for you to come too! Don't tell anyone, but we had bets on when you would," the second woman tells Jihoon in a fake whisper. They're at least 20 years older than him, but they don't seem to care. He can see it a little bit, what Jisoo told him. They're curious, probably waiting for an opportunity to pounce, rather than not accepting of him.

Jihoon almost prefers outright homophobia. At least that he's used to, knows what people want or dislike of him, instead of this game that he's not familiar with and which is also very much not for him.

"I am sorry I kept you waiting."

"Oh no, don't apologize! You're a celebrity so your relationship must be hush hush, we get it. We're glad you could make it, please help yourself to some drinks or snacks too!"

Jihoon never thought of that; he's basically confirming his existence and relationship to a group of people who feel very strongly about having something on him, and who would very easily release all the gossip to the press.

Anyway. Too late now.

"We'll go get a drink and join you ladies later. It was good to see you," Jisoo says and gently grabs Jihoon's elbow, drags him to the snacks table.

"Be careful. Giving too many details," Jisoo whispers to him, Jihoon barely catching his words. He barely said anything, but Jisoo is right; he gave an opening there.

It's difficult to navigate this world of expensive day dresses, fancy, fruity cocktails, and way too ornate decor. Where are they anyway? It seems to be someone's house, the room they're in decorated with flowers and with high tables throughout, catching the sunlight through large windows on a winter day with very rare nice weather.

Before Jihoon can ask though, two more women come. They look younger, way closer to Jihoon's age.

After what must be only two minutes of conversation, Jihoon doesn't only know that they also were trainees a while ago but gave it up, but that one of them's husband is presumably cheating, spending all his money on something ("Are men who like men different? Seungcheol-oppa must be _such_ a gentleman!"), and the other seems to have an alcohol problem that is managed very well, judging by the three glasses of champagne she takes off of the table, downing them without even a hint of a glow.

After many other interactions, Jihoon tends to agree with Jisoo; there will be no problem with him being accepted. The problem is what they're saying to him; Jihoon can barely tell who he should be aware of and try to pay more attention to, and who is simply superficial. It feels like the typical older mothers-in-law like Seungcheol's stepmother are not here. When he has the chance to drag Jisoo to the bathroom, he asks.

"Why is everyone here so... open? Why are they not meaner? More restricted? I don't know, more like... her?"

"Older wives don't tend to come to these things. They're more the... fancy dinner or events type? They think they're above these teas or gatherings."

"This is tiring."

"You're doing great. Let's go back, I'm okay with leaving soon."

"God, _please._ "

\---

Jihoon goes to two more of those events before he realizes they have a comeback in two weeks and his efforts, down to the minute, are better spared elsewhere. One of them is a fancier dinner where he gets to meet some of the older wives, sees what Jisoo said. They're above it all, just like in SKY Castle; following that drama with his members might prove to be helpful in understanding how they think.

Except instead of schemes of admission to good universities, these women hide much bigger, much more important secrets. Trying to get in their good graces is exhausting for when he needs it later. But he thinks he managed, dropping down on his bed in his room after. He was polite but mysterious, didn't bow too deeply or talk too much, but also wasn't rude. Not for the first time, he put on a superior attitude and faked it until he made it.

Hopefully, he faked it well enough to gain their respect, at least a little.

\---

Next day in the studio, Jihoon's mind runs in overdrive.

He and Seungcheol are becoming a bit like a stereotypical couple of that magnitude, he realizes. Not between themselves, because really nothing’s changed in their attitude, but in what they do and the image they portray to the world. Seungcheol does the big, important things, and Jihoon goes and hangs out at dinners, functions, and events that are so pointless outside of the connections he’s making.

He lies back in his studio chair and sighs. He's not in the mood to write, is too unsettled, something falling wrong in his chest. He misses the times when he could just ignore unwanted, stupid feelings, drown himself in work and not think for days. But recently, it's almost like he's been forced to open himself up to also be able to take in everything around him, become more sensitive to people and things. But at the same time, that means he has become a twisted, weaker version of himself who he can't even recognize, one that lets feelings get the best of him.

Even if he got what he wanted, more time to spend in the studio and with his members, to take care of his group, to write songs. Now he and Seungcheol have the usual relationship an idol would have: he picks him up from the dorm during the evening or even later at night, they either go to eat somewhere or to Seungcheol's house, and very often, Jihoon doesn't even spend the night. He spent mindless days in the dorm sometimes, writing lines and lines of lyrics for the repackage that turned out to only need a couple of new songs. But they turned out good. He lays down beats for future comebacks, and they're good too, and his members look happy, and Seungcheol's telling him things in the little time they have, and keeping him up to date, and asking for his opinion, and they have fantastic sex too because that never gets boring, and Soonyoung looks like he's getting back to himself too, and maybe fixing things up with Wonwoo, and even if he got this all that he wanted...

Jihoon's not happy. He's still not fully happy; he's satisfied, enjoys seeing his members happy, who are now his family, but he himself is not happy. So he looks back and wonders if he ever was fully happy or just ignorant, buried in his work and trying to keep afloat, make it, make a change, think about others, to think about what happiness was for him. But when he was forced to look at himself in the context of something else other than the small world of their group, he realized he was not happy. But he also knows there's nothing he can do about it, because there is no giving up on what he does, or his life. Perpetual unhappiness, as some might call it.

So he gets back, lays down a couple more beats, plays with a couple more sounds even though they won't need it for a while, and figures that time and success will make him happy. Maybe relaxing with Seungcheol on that island will, not worrying about anything for a few days.

But there's no time to think about it now.

\---

The thoughts about their positions and what he can do for Seungcheol and in the family plague him for a while even though he tries to bury them, so when he has a few hours break from practice, he goes to see Jisoo. He makes him coffee, a weak one since Jihoon doesn't like it much, and sits down at his kitchen table across from Jihoon, ready to listen.

Looking at Jisoo, who is incredibly smart and could do whatever but he chooses not to, Jihoon figures there is a point somewhere to all of that.

“Do you ever feel annoyed? By all these things, the connections you had to make, the fact that you don’t have a stable job. Or by how you are not up there in the company, despite how smart you are and how much you help? That you’re like those women? Those trophy wives, with how many secrets and messed-up lives they have because of their husbands?”

“I told you back then, Jihoon-ah, your job is not the company, not directly. Your job is to take care of Seungcheol, and to manage this part of the family. For me... I like what I do. I wanted to become a music teacher, and now I teach music, for free, to kids who really need it. And then take care of like ten more foundations and NGOs. Of course the shallowness of those events annoys me, but outside of them, I think my role fits very well to what I really want to do, which I’m glad for. I guess... I have to be thankful Jeonghan gets it, and trusted me, with Seungcheol, to take care of all of that. So then how I can repay them is by ensuring I am up to date with this part of the family they don't have time to manage and look at.

Actually, maybe... it’s not even that, because if he didn’t get it I’d never even be here, and I'm not doing this to repay them only. Maybe I've gotten to like it? I don't know. Anyway, for those women and girls who hunt these rich, powerful men, there’s no ‘getting it'. They have no choice. I’ve learned, as bad as it sounds, not to be scared of them or annoyed by them. I’ve learned to pity them, and realized that if I do that, there’s nothing I have to be afraid of. Then I just become aware, because I know how they work and how they operate, and then I learn to manipulate them. We’re not like them; we’ll never be. But you just learn to use the image that you are in your favor, and identify those who you can use, and those who you have to work on. What they know is helpful; do you remember the one who said her husband is cheating on her? He embezzled money from a smaller company under the family for his mistress. If I didn't think to look into it from there, Seungcheol and Jeonghan wouldn't have known for a while maybe.”

“Is he okay?”

“Of course not,” Jisoo snorts. “Look, Jihoon-ah. Seungcheol is inherently kind, kinder than many people would be in his position, and I know you can see it when you’re with him; he wouldn’t kill just to kill. But for example, when you convinced him back then not to kill everyone, you didn’t convince him to take mercy on those who were guilty. No, you convinced him not to kill the entire family, to spare those who are not guilty besides the family association with those who are. Seungcheol doesn’t forgive, Jihoon. He doesn’t forgive and he doesn’t forget; you mess up once like that, you’re dead.”

“So he killed him.”

“Yes. He’s dead.”

Jihoon nods.

And then he realizes how little that statement hit him just then. He shivers. He got used to it, to hearing that sentence. There's something akin to fear in showing it, that internal conflict that just hit him, so he moves away from the subject.

“I guess it’s not like that for me. I don't know if I can play that game with the family.”

“You’re too straightforward for it. But it’s okay. You’re exactly what people need to see change. Not me.”

Jihoon disagrees, and he knows his eyes show that.  Change is a difficult concept for where they are.

“I actually wanted to ask you something else.” This is hard. This is maybe the hardest thing to ask, especially to Jisoo, but the question escapes Jihoon before he can think twice. “How... were you okay? With Seungcheol and Jeonghan?”

Jisoo smiles. Of course he expected it. “I brought it up to them, actually. Told them they shouldn’t stop.”

Jihoon's eyebrows furrow. “Why did you? I mean... He was practically cheating on you.”

“They need each other. That won’t ever change; that’s how they were born and that’s how they grew up. That’s who they need to be in the future. Even if they forget it sometimes, if you’re going to make him choose or if the idea of a choice even pops up in his mind, he’s not going to choose you. So if you want to be next to him, don’t make him choose. It's all in your mind, you have to get used to being in an unusual relationship anyway. So if you choose to create the idea of a choice for him and give him an ultimatum, even unwillingly, _you're_ making a mistake.”

“So... you were fine with it? When is it too far?”

“Yeah. I _am_ fine with it. My hard line for anything is if it changes the nature of my own relationship. His relationship with Seungcheol doesn’t change who I am to Jeonghan, and the other way around. Now they're just friends, friends who are closer than their relationships. It's an entirely different thing than what I have with him, and I think that's not that unusual, I guess, with people, having a friend closer than your partner. Seungcheol loves you, and he'd give it all up for you anyway, don't worry.”

"Yeah. Not doubting that." Maybe he's doubting the just friends part. But he'd be the biggest hypocrite if he let it affect him. And also, like Jisoo said, it's all in his mind. It really is, in a way; jealousy is very often the issue of the person who is jealous, not the one they're jealous about. Jihoon needs to change his parameters and his accepted ideas about the limitations of love.

\---

"Are you feeling better?" Seungcheol asks Jeonghan, his hand around his waist holding him tight. The red lights of the car get more and more distant until they're gone. Only then does Jeonghan breathe, turns around to hug Seungcheol, bury his head in his chest.

"Mhm."

"He'll be safer. And taken care of better than here."

"Yeah. Let's go in."

But they don't move for a while, Jeonghan's head in his chest just breathing, and Seungcheol's thumb drawing comforting circles between his shoulder blades, on the nape of his neck.

When they separate, Jeonghan's mom is gone, so they go back into the house. It's weirdly silent. The peace is striking, heavier than it should be.

They find her in the kitchen, and she smiles at them. Only now can Seungcheol see how exhausted she is.

"It's okay," she says, and Seungcheol nods.

"It is."

"Thank you for taking care of him, Seungcheol-ah," Jeonghan's mother tells him, nodding towards Jeonghan, and Seungcheol nods too, smiles.

"No need to thank me. He takes care of me way more than that." He looks at Jeonghan, who's looking back at him. His stare is a split second too long to not mean something; Seungcheol thinks he knows what it's about, but he files it in his mind to ask later.

"Now you're not going to come back here at all, right?" She asks Jeonghan, who shakes his head.

"I'll come more often."

"You better do. Both of you should, I'd like to see you two more. Not only at meetings and formal events."

"We'll stay over tonight," Seungcheol says and she smiles.

"I'll have your room ready."

\---

"What were you thinking about earlier?" Seungcheol asks as he turns on his laptop, lays on the side of the armchair from his place on the floor. From where he's leaning on the bed, Jeonghan shrugs.

"I don't know. I think... I think she thinks we're... doing something."

"You think so? Why now?"

"I don't know. We haven't been here in a while, and she hasn't exactly had the chance to see me outside of work or the few dinners we've had too. Now I show up here without Jisoo, and with you, and we sleep in the same room... I don't know. She just seemed off when she said it."

"She knows Jisoo has issues with parents with mental health issues though, I don't think she ever expected him to come here with your father still in the house."

"Yeah. Can we...? Can we not talk about these things now, actually?"

"Oh. Sure," Seungcheol closes his laptop, turns to him. "Are you okay? You said it would be alright."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay," he nods, and Seungcheol believes him. "Just... I don't know. It's Sunday tomorrow, let's do it at your place. I just kind of want to sleep now."

\---

Seungcheol comes back with two glasses of whiskey on ice, and hands one to Jeonghan.

“Aren’t you hanging out with Jihoon soon?”

“No. His comeback’s in two days, so I haven’t seen him in a while. I asked Mingyu to help me with their schedule so I'm taking him to the island I just bought for a few days after their comeback is over, as a small surprise. But we won’t hang out much over the next few weeks, so you and I have time to do whatever, get everything in place before I go.”

“Okay. We should honestly start following up on those leads now then, so let’s break it down.”

“Yes,” Seungcheol answers, sits down on the floor. The coffee table in his living room is somewhere else in the room, and the space between his couches is littered with papers. This is how Jeonghan and he usually do work at home, on the floor with papers everywhere.

“So her son is pretty much gone,” Jeonghan starts. “She’s struck with grief, wants revenge on her daughter-in-law. Her daughter-in-law is your cousin, which makes this an additional conflict between families.”

“Yes. She knows very well that if she does something obvious, we will retaliate. So I think she’s not going to be obvious. My cousin’s with her father in his house in Seoul; his security is up, I sent them a few extra people.”

“Do you want your stepmother to do something to her anyway?”

Seungcheol scrunches his nose. “I don’t know. It’s an escalation. Maybe it’s what we need to finally do this properly and have an excuse to banish her, but I don’t know. Like... her family has taken roots here. Something like this is not enough, and going public will be worse. I think just doing this secretly and trying to get rid of as many of them as possible will be better, and then escalate when they’re weaker? Or honestly, I don't know.”

“Cause right now, they’re still fairly strong. Makes sense, but... Yeah. So her son’s dead, let’s go with that for now. Are you sure it will be done?”

“Yes. Should be done today or tomorrow, I think. They said they’ll see when it’s best to slip the thing in his IV.”

“Okay. Now... Younggun,” Jeonghan continues, pulls up his file.

“Unclear. I mean... he helped her, we saw from his phone calls. I’m just not sure what to do with drug shipments now if we get rid of him. I’m not sure what to do with drugs in general without her and her family,” Seungcheol pushes his hair back out of frustration, picks up a cigarette.

“So...” Jeonghan starts, and Seungcheol immediately knows he did something. “I might have told my mom something.”

“What did you tell her?” His eyes shoot open. “We agreed not to say anything to our parents.”

“I know, I know. I just told her Younggun might be stealing profits and redirecting them. Which is not untrue.”

“True.”

“She said she’ll help. She never took her hands off from a few years ago really, said she knew Younggun was cutting profits too. But she waited for us to see it and bring it up.”

“Okay. So do you think she can temporarily take over that? If we get rid of him? And then...”

“Then I’ll finally do my job and learn how to manage it all,” Jeonghan throws. Seungcheol purses his lips. He's obviously not excited about it. “But if we get rid of Younggun... there’s nothing more public. It will escalate.”

“Okay. Actually, I think this is something we need to decide now. This is a race; her to destroy us, and us to destroy her. Who does it first wins. So honestly, what are they going to do if we go up there and say this person has been betraying us, this person has done this, this person embezzled, this person cut profits? We’re still new here, we can use the fact that we want to change things up, that there will be no more forgiveness, no more overlooking these things. If we attack relentlessly, they’ll be weakened, they can't do anything about that. We have to use our higher positions.”

“I think in a way we already started that, so sure. I’m not against doing things publicly, we just have to prepare for the repercussions.”

“And we will. But Hannie, we’re the heads now, even if it doesn’t feel like it. What we say goes, and that’s it. Even if there are repercussions, I don’t think they’re worse than us waiting around to see what she’ll do.”

“Yeah. I mean... you expected repercussions from getting rid of Park, and nobody said anything. I said nothing would happen. Let’s do it.”

“True, but he embezzled, it was fine getting rid of him. Anyway, Younggun is cutting profits. Not better. Great, I’ll have our media put out a statement and get him taken in. Okay.”

“Okay,” Jeonghan says, but he’s quieter all of a sudden.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing. Just... hit me again, I guess. We’re making the law. Deciding people’s lives again.”

“If we don’t keep this afloat, who will? I know it’s not easy. But we can take a break whenever, and the moment something seems off we’ll rethink it.”

“No, it’s not off. It’s what should be done, I guess... yeah. Younggun's family came to be allied with us even before your stepmother's larger family and I know him since before I came to Daegu, since childhood. Which goes to show how little you know a person.”

Seungcheol looks at Jeonghan, puts a hand on his on the floor. Jeonghan, despite how direct and cunning he is, is way more sensitive to people and things than Seungcheol could ever hope to be. It’s good because he’s quicker to anger and also quicker to let go of it than Seungcheol, who holds grudges for a long time. They balance each other and Jeonghan makes sure Seungcheol is not unnecessarily cruel or makes stupid decisions because of those deep-set issues, but it’s not easy for him.

But if you look beyond the balance they create between each other for the things they have to do, Jeonghan struggles. And it's always so hard to know what to do for him, how to help beyond being there to comfort him when something hits wrong.

“I’m okay,” Jeonghan looks at him.

“Not saying you’re not. You can still feel bad, you know. Emotions don’t go away just because it’s what we need to do.”

“Yeah. But they will, because we have work to do. Let’s go, let’s get back to it. Three main people are gone. What about the smaller ones?”

“Started working on it. Some were fired if they didn’t know much, some were killed. To be honest, I think she knows we’re starting to oust her. When your security people and your smaller trusted people all start disappearing, it’s pretty obvious.”

“Serves her fucking right. I think you’re right with the constant attacks. Worse things were done, and way more obviously.”

“So should we go ahead with pushing with the people in that pile?” Seungcheol points to the ‘we’re pretty sure they’re involved but don’t know how yet’ pile.

“Yeah. Have your people take them in, and find out what they need to find out. They’ll need to work overtime for a while.”

“I’m having a general meeting in two days with them. I’ll talk to them, see what they need and how we can help, what they think would work best. For something else too.”

“For what?”

“I forgot to tell you, but Gaeun called me today. She’s coming back as our head of security. We’re meeting her tomorrow.”

“Thank fuck,” Jeonghan exhales. “It’s so good to have her back instead of your father’s head of security. I’m so tired of him.”

“I know. Maybe this will help send him to Daegu, finally.”

“Keep him more for now. Not ready to move into the big house yet," he snorts, lays his head back.

“Are you and Jisoo certainly okay to move in to there? It’s not that close to the city.”

“Of course. Keep your house, you know we’re fine with the estate. Who wouldn’t be?” He snorts. This was their best option; Jeonghan and Jisoo to move into the main house once his father’s gone, and Seungcheol to stay in his and completely lock it from guests except for close ones, since it’s way better protected. Documents and things were at risk enough in the big house, Seungcheol cannot imagine how his father did it with that level of security with how many people are always in the house.

“Okay. So we’re good with this strategy, right? Just hitting as much as we can for now, publicly, and then escalating when we realize they’re weak enough? Let’s get back to it when we have everyone in and get a good enough sense of what her plans are. For now, let’s review how we’re getting rid of everyone, the details.”

“Sounds great. But first, another drink,” Jeonghan hands Seungcheol his glass half-assedly, and he chuckles.

"After that, can we take a moment?"

"To what?"

"I don't know, go on the balcony, put the fire on and just talk."

Jeonghan smiles. "Sure."

Seungcheol takes his glass, goes to the kitchen to find more whiskey.

\---

"Ready?" Soonyoung asks, hypes everyone up, energetic like always. The first stage of a comeback is always the most nervewracking, so having someone like Soonyoung, blindly motivating, really helps. Maybe not always Jihoon, but it helps everyone else.

They gather and say their pre-stage chants, and before they know it, they're on stage, sitting down with their fingers linked, and the first notes to _Thanks_ play.

Jihoon never knew what it would be like to perform this on stage, in front of their fans who chant their names and the lyrics to their song. There's nowhere else he'd rather be.

So he gives it all to their song because it is for their fans, he performs more than he ever would. And he looks at their faces when he can, sees in them the happiness and the emotion from being there, sees it reflected back onto himself.

But it hurts. It hurts not from sadness, not from real happiness, but for a certain longing for something far away, something beyond their song. From the power to reach forward and change people's lives, and from the burden that comes with it.

So when the last notes play, Jihoon can barely hold himself back from crying until they get backstage.

He's never like this, never emotional when they perform, barely is when they win. But now, for some reason, there is a knot in his throat and tears welling up in his eyes, so he goes to the bathroom while his members change. His hands rest on the sink and he stares at himself in the mirror, wondering what's with him now, for him to take it this hard. Barely a minute passes before someone comes in though, and Jihoon blinks, gets himself back together.

Soonyoung appears in the mirror, and Jihoon turns to him.

"Are you okay? You looked like you were crying," Soonyoung asks, direct as always. His expression looks worried.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

Whatever Soonyoung thinks, if he believes him or not, he hugs Jihoon anyway. It takes Jihoon a while to be ready to raise his arms and wrap them around his back, fully lean into him.

"I..." Soonyoung starts. And stops.

Whatever Soonyoung wanted to say remains unsaid. Which is alright, because Jihoon thinks he wouldn't have wanted to hear it anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jisoo talks way more in this than he ever would, but we need someone to help Jihoon through things; I didn't decide yet who sings Falling For U here because I don't ever want to take that away from Jihan; Thanks makes me tear up instantly from the first notes without fail, and Jihoon and Wonwoo's last 'thanks' make me bawl so hard.
> 
> I apologize again loves for the delay, but I hope you liked this chapter! Some very exciting things are happening in the next chapters, I am so, so excited to share them (on time now, hopefully). 
> 
> I am shamelessly pubbing my twitter because I added it late last chapter: @bbysvts. Come chat with me about this fic or others, or Seventeen in general. I'm also taking fic requests for drabbles or short fics, more details on Twitter, because I want to try writing different things. So share things you want to see written with me and I'll do my best to write them; I'll write all pairings for SVT and some other fandoms, just to try new things! 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I'll see you next week! <3


	10. i'll embrace you with my arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary friends, this is very much NSFW (Not Safe For Work.) As in, don’t read this at work. These are two healthy, grown men who love each other very much, who haven’t had the proper time to see each other in weeks, and who are now on an _island_ by themselves. Nobody else. Anywhere close. 
> 
> Tl;dr: this entire chapter is pure filth. All of this. Like... I cannot explain how bad. I'm ashamed. Please don't read at work. Beware. (There's also an overuse of ellipses in this chapter. Just to warn you.)

Obviously, Jihoon knew that Seungcheol probably had a private jet. Seeing it in front of his eyes though is different.

"It's not the family one. It has to be smaller, because the airstrip on the island is not that long."

Oh. So there's also a bigger one.

"We're also not taking any staff with us on the plane. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course I mind," Jihoon huffs.

\---

The island is gorgeous. No matter how weird he feels about it, there's no denying it is, from the bungalows, to the beach, to the forest behind them. Jihoon feels freer than he ever has. There's nothing around, only a hint of the larger islands surrounding theirs.

He thinks that if he had the money, he would have bought it too. This kind of peace has no price.

"Do you like it?" Seungcheol asks at the end of their tour walking around the island.

"So much," Jihoon answers, honest. The sun is setting over the ocean, and from the sheltered place on the beach, above it, Jihoon thinks he has never seen anything more beautiful.

\---

But they've just finished an 11-hour flight, so they're both too exhausted to do much beyond eat some of what Seungcheol had put in the fridge, and drop down on the bed.

He hasn't properly seen Seungcheol in weeks, and he wants him so bad it's ridiculous, but he's _so exhausted._

"I'm tired," he mumbles to Seungcheol when they're tucked in, the lights off and nothing but moonlight through the window.

"I'm so tired too," he replies.

Actually, Jihoon is too tired to actually sleep.

His lips find Seungcheol's, who reciprocates instantly, pulls Jihoon on top of him. Jihoon breaks the kiss to fiddle with the comforter, pull it over his back. Seungcheol's hands are steadfast on his hips over his sleeping shirt, his thumbs rubbing circles on him, holding Jihoon so he doesn't fall. When Jihoon succeeds he goes back to him, attaches his lips to his without a second of hesitation. He slips his tongue past Seungcheol's open lips, explores, reacquaints himself with his taste, the feel of him under Jihoon.

He's not hard, and neither is Seungcheol, both of them in agreement that this is as far as they'll probably go tonight. But that doesn't make this less meaningful.

Because no matter how many times they do this, Jihoon doesn't think they can ever make it a routine or that it will ever get dreary, Seungcheol's hands on his hips, his lips on his, no matter how much he bites at them and how dry they are sometimes. It always feels new, disarming, exciting. Sometimes. Sometimes it's comforting, relaxing, like now.

Seungcheol switches one of his hands under Jihoon's shirt, smoothing his palm over his spine, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Jihoon sighs a soft noise in his mouth, pulling away with the loud sound of their lips separating.

He sighs in Seungcheol's neck, and switches to lay on top of him only halfway. Seungcheol kisses his forehead, wordless, Jihoon tightening his arm around his waist. They should sleep.

But they end up making out again at Jihoon's prompting, him straining his neck to reach Seungcheol, Seungcheol's hand resting quite intently on the curve of his lower back. Jihoon shuffles up so he doesn't get neck pain, and Seungcheol's hand also moves over his ass now, just a constant pressure pushing Jihoon up, keeping him in Seungcheol's arms.

Jihoon loves how Seungcheol kisses. How he can be so lax but so intense too, biting at Jihoon's lips, making him moan. It could be hours, and it probably is, before he pulls away, a disappointed noise escaping Seungcheol. He pecks the corner of Jihoon's lips, his cheek, his eyebrow, Jihoon keeping his eyes closed under the attack to his face.

He gives in though, lets Seungcheol lick over his bottom lip, squeeze his cheek, before he puts the ball in his court again. And by that he means straddling Seungcheol, both his hands now on Jihoon's ass.

"No sleep?"

"Hmm." There's no answer needed when he switches a little, lines up perfectly so his cock drags over Seungcheol's.

He really didn't intend it. But sleep can wait a little more.

\---

"How much did I sleep?" Jihoon groans, walking out into the kitchen/living room.

"Like 11 hours."

"Oh god," Jihoon drops down opposite of Seungcheol, sees him close his laptop, narrows his eyes.

"Did you do work?"

"A little. I'm sorry, I'm done."

Jihoon creaks out a dissatisfied noise. "Now you have to make me breakfast to make up for it."

"Gladly."

\---

"Please. Please, _oh god,_ " Jihoon begs, his hands grabbing onto the stones on the shower pole in front of him. Seungcheol moans in his wet hair, slowly moving to kiss his cheek, bite at his ear.

When they said they'd shower outside, Jihoon should have expected this. He kind of did, kind of knew it would happen, that Seungcheol volunteering to help him clean up would be nothing of the sort. That it was just a feeble excuse for Seungcheol to get his fingers back inside him because he loves fingering him, loves hearing him lose himself when he's already been way too overstimulated. Loves pushing his come back into Jihoon, feeling how weakly he clenches around him. He's said it to Jihoon so many times he knows it's a particular kink of his.

And that's _exactly_ what happens. It's been barely ten minutes since they finished, a quick round that was more about finally being able to have Seungcheol inside him and get off, the tension so taut in his body, but Seungcheol's three fingers are pressing on his spot so intently that Jihoon is getting hard again, the warm water of the shower cascading down on them only helping heat them up. It's hot, so sexy that Jihoon can only imagine what Seungcheol looks like behind him, water dripping from his hair, pressing on his back, kissing at his neck.

"Fuck me. Please, please, _please,_ " Jihoon's voice breaks, too gone to even rethink begging for Seungcheol.

"Now?"

"Yes. Fucking do it, please."

"I should get lube then, wait..."

"No. I'm fine, just do it. I want it like this, want to feel it," Jihoon whispers, turning his head around to kiss Seungcheol, convince him.

It never takes much convincing when Jihoon wants something. Especially when he says it like this, he knows, so Seungcheol slowly pulls his fingers out, leaving Jihoon feeling empty. It's not for long though, because soon enough, Jihoon feels him grind his cock between his cheeks, catching on Jihoon's rim. He hums, arching his back and going up on his tiptoes to help Seungcheol, who puts a hand around his waist to pull him into him, slip inside him.

Jihoon's still loose, still kind of wet from the excessive amount of lube Seungcheol had used before and his come, but also not really, so the stretch _hurts._ Seungcheol's also not really hard, lazily thrusting just the tip of his cock inside Jihoon, pushing in and completely pulling out. _It's maddening._

But he can't do anything, Seungcheol's hand on his waist and the other one on his ass keeping him where he is. At his whines, Seungcheol takes mercy though, finally pushes inside of him, grabbing his asscheek and pushing it to the side to slide easier into him. Jihoon's knees almost give at how intense it is, how much of him he can _feel,_ the drag of his cock inside Jihoon way sharper that they didn't use any lube this time. It hurts so good though, Jihoon thinks he must be a bit of a masochist for the feeling.

Seungcheol's still not fully hard, so instead of thrusting, he grinds inside Jihoon, slow and intense, drawing the deepest moans from him. But it's also lazy, more for him to get used to it as well, get hard. It feels... it feels a little bit like what Seungcheol always tells him. That Jihoon getting pleasure is what turns him on too, what gives him pleasure in turn. Jihoon wants to feel the same, wants Seungcheol to feel good too, wants to see what it's like on the other side.

"Use me."

"What?"

"Use me. However you like. Do whatever feels good for you," he whispers, feeling Seungcheol's surprised breath on his temple.

"Everything feels good for me," Seungcheol replies, the hand on Jihoon's stomach caressing his hip.

"I know. But just... just do it. I want to see it too. Like you always do to me." Jihoon's words are low, growly, don't make as much sense as usual, but it feels like his nerves are on fire, alight with so many different sensations he can't even pinpoint them. Above all, it's Seungcheol pressed to him, inside him, and he just wants to _feel._

"Okay. Okay, baby," he whispers, inhaling and exhaling a large breath.

Jihoon's breaths sync with his, or maybe it's the other way around, the water falling down on them, around them.

_"Fuck,_ how don't you know I love everything about what we do?" He whispers, his tone raw, his voice gravely. "Love how fucking open you are with everything, how insane you are in bed. Or out of it."

Jihoon whines, Seungcheol thrusting so slowly inside of him, and so deep he sees stars. It's so slow; when Jihoon said he can use him, he imagined being held down, hands pressing on his hips, pain, something. Not this.

He's growing hard _inside of Jihoon,_ his cock pressing deeper and deeper, a hand on Jihoon's stomach pulling him in. It's almost like he can _feel_ Seungcheol where his hand is pressing on him, moaning through a surprised breath, clenching around him.

"Love it when you do that, _yes._ You're so tight, so fucking warm around me, wanna just hold you forever."

God, he's going to kill Jihoon. With his hands, his finger tracing where they're joined, around Jihoon's stretched rim. And then Seungcheol uses the hand that's not around him to bring Jihoon's hands to his back.

"I love seeing you spread yourself open for me. It's _so_ childish of me, but you should see yourself taking cock," he groans, and Jihoon pulls his cheeks apart, Seungcheol's hand enveloping one of his wrists. Even if Seungcheol doesn't see him, he's sure there's a blush all the way down his chest, pressing into the wet stones of the shower pole. This is probably the most turned on he's been in his _life._ "So fucking beautiful. On your knees, back, front, whatever, I don't care, you're always so beautiful. Or maybe I do care; any position it is, I love seeing your face."

In the haze, Jihoon really thinks this is a different kind of pleasure. Seungcheol's not fucking him hard, barely hitting his spot, not touching his cock, and he won't come anytime soon, but this is _fantastic._

"I love that you're always in control of yourself, even when you lose it; love it when you shiver and twitch on my fingers or my cock, on toys that you let me use on you. You fucking own me, you could ask anything and I'd give it to you."

" _God,_ " Jihoon whines. Seungcheol moves the hand from his left wrist, has Jihoon let go of his ass, intertwines their fingers. Jihoon puts his right hand on Seungcheol's on his stomach, works his fingers between his, feels his muscles drawing, holding Jihoon to his body.

"I love doing that. And _even more,_ I love you getting things, seeing your confidence. Be it getting me or not, when you have that look in your eye, I'd drop to my knees for you right away. I'd love for you to be like that all the time. With me next to you."

Jihoon kisses him because he can't take it anymore. He wanted to be fucked, not made to cry.

Seungcheol pulls through, trusts into him still slow, still deep. It must feel better for him than pulling out a lot and thrusting in, and honestly, Jihoon loves it too. It doesn't even matter after that.

"Gonna come, babe," Seungcheol whispers to him. Jihoon clenches around him, drops his head back on his shoulder, kisses his neck from the awkward position he's in.

Jihoon always feels some kind of way when Seungcheol comes inside him. It's usually only after Jihoon does, a long moan escaping him that he either buries in Jihoon's hair or his neck. He feels... fuck, to say he feels warm would be so messed up.

"Don't pull out. Please."

"Fuck, baby. Of course," Seungcheol whispers, kisses his hair, his forehead, thrusts back inside him, this time for Jihoon, not for him. He gets his hand on Jihoon's cock, Jihoon's fingers still intertwined with his, gripping him tight. Jihoon feels the pleasure build up in his stomach and he knows he's going to come _so hard._

Seungcheol strokes him through it, through Jihoon's shivers, grounding him. The pleasure spreads through him like never before, Jihoon wanting to feel more and more, to never let go of Seungcheol, enveloped by him.

It feels like Seungcheol made love to his soul, not his fucking body. Jihoon thinks he loves the feeling, but at the same time, something inside him urges him to loathe it. To hate how much he feels for him, how weak he's become.

Fuck that. Seungcheol pulls out slowly, and Jihoon turns, just then registering the water still falling over them.

"Fuck you," he whispers and kisses Seungcheol so hard his head tilts back under the pressure.

"Already? Gotta give me a while, babe," he chuckles on Jihoon's lips.

"Help me clean up so I can kick your ass."

\---

"You should get dressed. We have a tour of the main island at 2."

Jihoon groans from his place laying on the big swing, his eyes closed. "Can you delay it for a while? I'm hurt."

"You're hurt? Where? Why?" Seungcheol sounds alarmed, coming to Jihoon's swing. It's big enough for two, but Jihoon's laying across the entirety of it, so Seungcheol doesn't have where to sit. Jihoon lifts his legs so Seungcheol can though, and drops them in his lap.

"Because of you, you asshole. My back hurts. "

"Oh," he chuckles, massaging Jihoon's thighs. "I'm sorry. I’ll give you a massage."

"You're not," Jihoon opens his eyes, looks straight into Seungcheol's. "You enjoyed it."

"I did," he grins. "I'm sorry."

The conversation dies out, because Jihoon is suddenly so sleepy and just wants to relax. The silence is never weird with them though, because this is a break. There's no need to do something, to say something.

But... Jihoon actually wants to know something.

“Is that really what you like? What turns you on? Telling me what you love about me?”

“Oh. Kind of. I...” Seungcheol starts, stroking his hand over Jihoon’s thigh. “I guess what turns me on is intense sex. That feeling of... closeness, I don’t know? I want the person I’m fucking, I want you, to enjoy it. I kinda like it... Overwhelming? And sometimes that means slow and paced out. Sometimes it means hard and rough.”

“So you get off on me losing my mind.”

“Not necessarily, because you never lose yourself. But when you put it like that...”

It makes sense. Seungcheol has probably had his fair share of people who were willing to do whatever kink or thing he liked. Not that many he felt an emotional connection to, or something of the sort. Except Jeonghan, probably, but they could never _date_ date. Really have a relationship.

“I’m not particularly into you losing it or losing control or anything like that... I know you’re not either, cause it’s power play and I don’t care about that. I just like you liking it. And everything that comes with it. I like seeing you let go, making noises that you’d never admit to when you’re not... into it, I love it so much when you come and you can’t stop trembling. I know you’re insecure about it, but it’s really hot. Trust me.”

Jihoon purses his lips. He's gotten to be better with that. But...

"Hyung. Those are all things you like in _me._ And that's fine if you get off on that, but... what do _you_ like? For yourself?" He's noticed that for a while. When they have sex, it's mindblowing for Jihoon all the time, and he doesn't doubt Seungcheol likes it, because Jihoon has gotten to know that he does. Except it's always about Jihoon, never about him.

He looks a bit taken aback, confused by the question.

"I... don't know? What do you mean? I like all of that for myself."

"Look. I told you I like choking, that I get off on that, and because I like it, you like doing it to me. But... what about the other way around? What do you want me to do to you? I get off on things that you like as well that are independent of what only I want to start," Jihoon explains, slow. It's a bit confusing, maybe, for Seungcheol to get what he's trying to say because he's sure he hasn't made that difference in his head, but Jihoon really wants to know.

"I... like choking too, I guess... Overstimulation as well?"

"You like choking _me,_ and you like overstimulating _me._ Do you want me to do that to you too?"

"Maybe. I wouldn't be opposed to it?"

"I can. But... think about it. What do _you_ want more than that?"

"I like pretty much everything that you like too. I like... coming inside you. I kind of... like the knowledge of that."

"Okay," Jihoon gulps. "What else?"

"I... I like you sucking me off. I like kind of... seeing your lips, your eyes when you do that."

"Hyung," he warns him with a low voice.

"Okay, okay. I... I guess I like it because I like... wrecking you. I, um... like it when you choke. I know this is about you too and of course it is because I'm doing these things with you, but... I like seeing you cry too. Sort of... you doing that because of me. _For me._ "

Fuck.

"Okay," Jihoon's voice turns smaller, and the air changes. Just a little. "What else?"

"I... kind of want you to... tie me up? Maybe. If you want. Not let me touch you, do whatever you want. I think it would drive me a little bit insane, the fact that... I couldn't do what I wanted."

"I can do that," Jihoon swallows, nods. "What else?"

"Talking about coming inside you. I... I know you remember. When we were in the Rolls Royce back then, a while ago." Fuck, does Jihoon remember. Of course he does. "I'd like that. Coming inside you and plugging you up, you... wearing that. Kind of... yeah," his voice breaks, and honestly, Jihoon is hard already, barely holds back from whining.

"Umm..." Seungcheol starts again, almost a whisper, hesitant. Whatever it is, it's a lot for him; for Seungcheol to be this careful, it's big. "That's when... it kind of changed for me."

Jihoon's eyes widen. They don't talk about _that._ Those times.

"I... was so surprised. That I did everything right, trying to break you. From the sex, to gifts, to things, to the story, and back then... I thought you really lost yourself, and that was it, and that you were finally..."

He swallows. Jihoon's gaze stays on him.

"That's where it kind of hit me. I didn't know why I had done all of that. There was no purpose for it in the larger scheme of things. There was no purpose for you. And I realized that you never lost yourself when you were with me, and I tried to break you and I never really managed. It drove me crazy. You drove me crazy," he swallows. Jihoon can't... what does he say to this?

"I guess I still denied it for a while. Couldn't see it for what it was. I thought that I had to ask you to date me because I had no choice. But then I asked, and you said yes, and I realized that you were really mine... but I hadn't broken you. You had known that I lied to you, and yet... you said yes. _You broke me._ "

Jihoon breathes in, stays silent. What is there to even say?

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I told you that," he shakes his head, gets back to himself. "But yeah. I... I like _you,_ Jihoon-ah. That's why I want _you_ to be happy." He smiles, a bittersweet smile that's so... "I'll delay the tour to tomorrow," Seungcheol nods and gets up. Jihoon can't let him leave. If he does, he feels that something will break.

So he gets up to sit on the swing, pull at Seungcheol's hand for him to sit back down, his legs falling back in his lap.

"I'm not mad. I'm not. I guess I'm just... shocked that you're still kind of living with the guilt of that," Jihoon admits. "I don't care. I haven't in a long time, no matter how fucked up it was that you used me for months. I got it. We were messed up, weird, but not anymore. I... think you're doing all of this to please me, in bed or outside, because you don't want me to leave though. Am I right? You're still afraid."

"I..."

"You shouldn't be. I'm not leaving. It's fine. I got it back then, you had to lie, but that's it. I've moved on. We've moved on. Seungcheol-ah... I want to be here."

Seungcheol sighs. "I feel like there are so many things that can make you leave."

"There are many things. But I know you won't do any of them. The past is not one of them... Unless there's something I don't know."

"No, there's not."

"Okay then," he nods. "Are we good now? Did you get closure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Jihoon's hand reaches for his tattoo, the one on his shoulder that's just peeking out of his shirt, tracing the smaller flower on the pair in the middle. The one... that's Jihoon.

Seungcheol's lips are crooked down just a little, his eyes tracing over Jihoon's body along with his hands, moving up and down on his hips. Jihoon looks at him in silence, lets him see what he needs to see. Until he looks back into Jihoon's eyes.

"I love you so fucking much."

"I love you too."

Even if it all of that was closure for Seungcheol... Jihoon feels a little bit reassured too.

\---

"You need to have kids, right," Jihoon starts, albeit hesitantly, perched on the table in the kitchen a few minutes later, looking out of the window. It's the subject he doesn't want to bring up, not now, not ever. "If we're talking about uncomfortable subjects anyway, might as well."

"Theoretically, at some point..." Seungcheol sighs. Jihoon can hear it, see his expression even if he's turned away from him.

"Do you even want to?"

"Honestly? No. I never did." Jihoon's eyes turn to him instantly, and Seungcheol turns his to him too.

"You don't?"

"I don't. I don't think I'd be a good dad, I don't want that responsibility and I don't want that life. I don't want to raise a child in this world and I think it'd be too much for me and for them." He stops, grabs his glass of wine. "Honestly, it's also one of the biggest reasons I've never actually dated anyone. I found people that maybe could've worked, that I had some semblance of attraction to, but dating was never dating. Dating had an expectation of marriage, and marriage had an expectation of a family, and I just... never wanted it."

"So me being a guy worked out for you."

"Not really. They expect us to have a family anyway."

"Seriously?" Jihoon's eyes bulge out of his head.

"Yeah. My father saw that I'm being serious about us, so that's his _very_ reluctant compromise. I should have kids with a surrogate, and then we should raise them. I talked about this with him right before we left, he brought it up. I wanted to make the time to tell you, actually. He also... he made a joke about me trying to knock you up here, maybe it'd work. Which was completely ridiculous, and annoying as hell, but..."

Jihoon ignores the last part. He just does.

"I... Hyung, I don't know if I can do that. Kids. A family."

"Don't worry. I have no plans to do that either."

Jihoon exhales a breath he didn't even know he was holding.

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," he sighs. "We're just not going to do it. We'll figure out the solution after; I'm pretty sure Jeonghan and Jisoo want kids, and if not, Jaehwa's kid can be the head. I don't know, but there's a solution there and we'll find it. But not now. Now there's cocktails waiting to be made, a patio waiting to be lounged on, and a sunset waiting to be seen in like an hour. We're on holiday, let's go."

Jihoon nods.

"Actually... can we skip the cocktails? And the sunset? And the patio? For a bit?"

"What do you want to do?" Seungcheol raises his eyebrow at him. Jisoo gets up from the ledge, walks to him, pushes him to the counter behind him with a hand on his chest, getting up in his face. His expression changes.

"Let me tell you what will happen, because I have a gut feeling you did some shopping before we came."

And by gut feeling, Jihoon means he found the suitcase.

"We're going to go to the bedroom, and I'm going to tie your hands to the headboard. Tight. I'm going to slip a cock ring on myself and I'm going to ride you slow, until you can't remember your own name, and then you're going to come deep inside me. I'm going to untie you, and if you can do it, maybe you'll fuck me again, on my knees now, press my face into the sheets until I can't remember my own name this time, come inside me again and not let me come. And then you're going to make sure that I don't spill a drop, and slip that nice vibrating plug in me. You're gonna take the remote, and only then we're going to the patio to watch the sunset, where you're going to turn it on, and maybe I'll beg if you let me sit on your lap. And then when the sun goes down, we're going to go back to the bedroom, and if you want to, you're going to slip the plug out, fuck me again, with your cock, your fingers, whatever, only then let me come, make me _scream._ Does that sound good to you?"

Seungcheol's jaw drops.

"What the fuck."

"I napped a little, the idea came to me then. So? Down for it? Hmm?"

"You're insane."

\---

But that doesn't mean that Seungcheol doesn't end up laying on his back on the bed, his hands tied with black silk rope (that he bought) to the headboard.

It took some googling for Jihoon to learn how to use the long rope Seungcheol had bought (as he thought he might... try to use it on Jihoon, but just a tad bit differently), and even if it is tied around each of his wrists four times, some of it still hangs down the bed.

It is... it's not tight. It's just... when Seungcheol pulls on it, there's no give beyond the section Jihoon left for Seungcheol to move his arms so they don't cramp. It means he did a good job, but...

"This is probably unsafe."

"Nothing wrong with a little home-grown, organic bondage."

"I'm pretty sure those are someone's last words. You're lucky I trust you."

"I'm tying you to the bed, not torturing you. And we have scissors. But if it feels uncomfortable..."

"Safeword, I know. Now, can you sit on my cock or do I have to beg?" Seungcheol asks, a bit snarky, his eyebrow raising.

Jihoon smirks. "You'd never say that to me. Like that."

"What do you mean?"

"You're nervous because we're flipping roles here."

Fuck... Is he?

"You're scared to lose control."

"I'm not. Because I won't."

"Fine then. Nervous about not being able to do what _you_ want to do," Jihoon starts, taking his shirt off, unbuttoning his pants.

Seungcheol's not going to lie. It feels different than he thought. He thought that... not being able to touch Jihoon, hold on to his hips or drive himself up into him would be what got him. Except... the action itself is getting to him, and they didn't even get to the main event. The fact that he's _restrained,_ literally at Jihoon's mercy, is messing up with him a little. That thing of not being able to touch him means that Seungcheol can't actually do _anything._

It's weird. And arousing.

Especially when Jihoon lubes up his fingers, gets one inside himself with a groan. It's a show, because honestly, they've fucked so many times today he could probably take one without that exaggerated sound of pleasure. His thighs strain though, and Seungcheol wants to _feel them._

Before he moves his arms and realizes he can't, the rope digging into his skin.

"Fuck," he curses, and Jihoon smirks, his hand moving behind himself.

This _is_ torture.

"Can we... deviate from the plan a little?" He asks Jihoon, biting his lip.

"What do you want?"

"Sit on my face."

Jihoon's eyebrows reach the ceiling, but he moves his hand away from himself. "No."

"Why?"

"Because you can't use your hands to tell me when to stop."

"It will be fine. I'll make a noise or something."

"Can't you just take what's given to you?" Jihoon whispers, bending closer to his face. "No. That's dangerous, and I won't do it because I'll be stressed. You won't choke me while you fuck me for the same reason, remember? You can eat me out later."

"Fine. I'm remembering that."

"Do it. I won't complain then," Jihoon retorts. Their banter is always because they care about each other, not because they don't. And... Jihoon has a point.

And anyway, Seungcheol doesn't find himself complaining a second later, when Jihoon gets a hand on his own cock, hissing at the sensation. Jihoon's been hard for a while, he noticed; tying Seungcheol up made him excited. And then he pulls out the little ring from the bag, coming back to straddle Seungcheol's thighs.

"I... I've never actually used one of these," Jihoon admits, his previously assertive tone a little bit lower. "I just thought the idea sounded cool."

"Fuck, do you want to untie me so I can help?"

"No, that took so much time I don't want to do it again," he snorts. "How hard can it be?"

"Not hard. It won't actually go... all the way around because you're hard, and this one is particularly smaller anyway, I think. It's a little bit stretchy, just... use some lube and slip it down to the base of your cock."

It is decidedly torture, just... watching. Seungcheol wants to touch him _so bad_ right now. Help him, or jerk him off, make him come so hard. Plan and everything to hell.

"Oh. It's..."

"Is it comfortable?"

"Yeah. Tight, but not uncomfortable."

"It won't like, actually stop you from coming, it will just make it harder, delay it if you want. But if it gets too tight take it off, you shouldn't wear it more than half an hour anyway."

"Then I better get to work," he throws, aligning himself to grind down on Seungcheol's dick.

"Oh my god," Seungcheol throws his head back, his cock fitting right in between Jihoon's cheeks, catching on his rim. Jihoon holds him in his hand and then drops down in one smooth move, heat enveloping Seungcheol. He's still so tight even after Seungcheol's fucked him twice today, moving over him so insanely well Seungcheol's mind is blown from the first two seconds.

The fact that he can't touch, his arms straining against the rope... he was right, it just makes everything so much more _intense,_ focused on the sheer feeling of him inside Jihoon. He's never aware of how much he just likes to _feel,_ touch, until that possibility is taken away from him.

"Shit," Jihoon drags his fingers over Seungcheol's bound wrists, bending down over him.

"Do you like this?" Seungcheol groans, out-of-breath, seeing Jihoon nod.

"Yeah. Maybe next time I'll blindfold you too."

Next time. Just the knowledge of that makes Seungcheol twitch, bury himself deeper inside Jihoon, who puts his arms on his chest and rides him for dear life.

He looks so good it's ridiculous. So ridiculous Seungcheol has to count his blessings, wonder what he did to be here with him in his lap, looking like heaven and feeling like hell.

Not that he could count right now. When he said he'll ride him so slow Seungcheol will forget his own name, he wasn't kidding. His fingers graze over Seungcheol's chest, his hole tight around him, bouncing up and down slowly, so slowly, Seungcheol honestly might pass out from the pleasure. He can't do much but plant his legs on the bed, make it better for Jihoon too.

"Feels so good," he groans, his head arching back and his hands pulling at the rope, straining against them.

"Yeah?" Jihoon breathes out, obviously affected himself.

"So fucking good, god, I'm gonna come so quick."

If he had his wits about himself, it would be almost embarrassing how quick pleasure takes over him, building inside him. Jihoon leans over his chest and kisses him, just a peck, getting him even deeper and tightening around him. "Come in me."

So Seungcheol does with a long moan, burying himself deep inside Jihoon. His vision blacks out for a few seconds he comes that hard, blurry when he comes back, seeing Jihoon through teary eyes.

_"Fuck."_

"Yeah. God," Jihoon bounces on him a couple more times, enough for Seungcheol to feel it. _So_ sensitive.

"Untie me. Please," he groans, hopes his conviction comes across as he intends it.

"Why so hurried?"

"If I don't touch you right now I'm gonna die, Jihoon-ah. Please."

Jihoon does, except he's still in his lap, and Seungcheol's still inside him.

"You know you can pull off, right?" He moans when Jihoon moves to untie his right wrist, his cock shifting inside him in turn.

"No."

"I can probably come again."

"Even better."

Jihoon's tone says there's no more discussion, so Seungcheol doesn't complain, just waits for him to be done.

The moment he feels his wrists are free though, he grabs on to Jihoon's hips, turning them around until Jihoon's on his back, his legs around Seungcheol's waist and his hair splayed on the pillow.

"God," he traces Jihoon's stomach, tugs at his hard, red cock. "You sure you don't want to come?"

"Yes. Sure," he croaks, but he's way less over-assured than before, maybe now that Seungcheol's back "in control." Seungcheol thrusts inside him just once, experimentally, making both himself and Jihoon moan.

It feels like so much, but Seungcheol thinks he doesn't really mind the overstimulation, could probably go again. For Jihoon. The more he stays inside him the better, more comfortable it feels.

"Your wrists," Jihoon whispers, and Seungcheol finally looks at them on Jihoon's stomach. Seungcheol pulled at his hands so much there's rope burn on them, almost an intense red. The skin's not rubbed off or anything, and Seungcheol barely feels them. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine, it doesn't hurt. I liked it, and it's barely there." He did. So fucking much.

Jihoon still grabs one of them from above the burns, bringing it to his lips, kissing over Seungcheol's pulse point where the red is, dragging his tongue over the flesh of his hand. When he takes Seungcheol's index finger and middle finger in his mouth, sucking on them, Seungcheol figures that if he wasn't hard before, he surely is now.

He presses those two fingers on Jihoon's tongue, dragging them out... slipping them in, Jihoon's mouth open, his eyes daring Seungcheol to go on. So he does, slides them even deeper.

Jihoon gags, just a little bit, quickly moans after, closes his lips around Seungcheol to suck on his fingers. Seungcheol doesn't stand a chance in all of this, Jihoon's tongue pressing on the tips of his fingers when he slides them out, back in, Jihoon swallowing around the difficulty to take them in. God, he'd love to fuck his mouth, see his lips stretched around his cock, not his fingers, hear him choke on his length.

But Jihoon has a plan, and Seungcheol doesn't want to disappoint. He's hard now, fully ready to go again, what are refractory periods when Jihoon looks like this, so he fishes the lube from the covers, pulls out just a little to add more, and fucks back into Jihoon, takes his fingers out of his mouth to play with his nipple.

"No, oh god no," Jihoon groans. "Lay off. Don't touch them, don't touch my cock. I'll come."

"You're torturing yourself," Seungcheol says but does as he's told, dragging his hands over Jihoon's thighs instead, grinding inside him, seeing Jihoon bite his lip, arch his back in pleasure.

"Yeah. I am. Fuck me."

"You could come once and then I can edge you again."

"No. I wanna see what it's like until the end. Just... fuck me."

Seungcheol obeys, spreads Jihoon's legs to grind deeper inside him. Except when he does, Jihoon twitches, almost trying to get away.

"Oh fuck, no no no, stop, _stop,_ " he says, moaning in what seems to be pleasure. It's not their safeword, but Seungcheol does instantly, almost scared. Did he hurt him? He tries to pull out, but Jihoon's heel on his back stops him. "Don't pull out. You're just... you're hitting my spot. It feels really good."

"Is that... not the point?"

"Not when I'm trying _so fucking hard_ not to come. Fuck me on my knees. You reach my spot harder like that because your cock curves up."

Seungcheol obeys that too, turns Jihoon around until he's on his knees, his chest pressed on the pillows.

"Good now?" He asks, and Jihoon grinds down on him.

"Yeah. So much better."

He meets Seungcheol's thrusts now, clenching around him. It's kind of hot, how focused he is on not coming instead of coming, knowing that he's really sensitive. Cock rings really don't help with how sensitive you are despite how orgasms are delayed, so it's not easy.

He twitches when Seungcheol finds his spot occasionally, his moans half buried in the pillow. Except... Seungcheol vividly recalls he wanted to forget his own name.

So he does just that, puts a hand on the back of Jihoon's neck to hold him down, the other on his hip, and thrusts into him so hard and deep Jihoon lets out a surprised moan. The headboard smacks on the wall repeatedly, Jihoon slightly shaking in his hold.

"You're... ah, hyung, you're still hitting my spot, ah, fuck, please, _please,_ " he whines, biting the pillow, clutching the covers for dear life.

"It's fine, baby. You can take it," he whispers in Jihoon's ear, knowing he'll do it. He'll hold back. But Seungcheol tries to change his angle anyways, to help him since he's so determined to not come. And even through all of this, when feeling Jihoon shiver under him, knowing that his pleasure must be so high, so good, Seungcheol feels his second orgasm build up inside him, slow, all-consuming.

"I'm gonna come," he warns Jihoon, who moans and quickly nods, moving his face in the pillow.

"Come in me again. Please." He volunteers his begging so easily Seungcheol now can't really help it, burying himself inside Jihoon as deep as he can again, filling him up with a groan.

It's so fucked up, how much it turns him on, how hard he comes. From the corner of his eyes, he sees the plug with the remote Jihoon took out, and he grabs it right away, lubes it up.

"I'm gonna plug you up, okay love?"

"Yes. Please."

He carefully slips out of him, a bit of his come dripping from Jihoon's hole despite what the plan was, but he slips the plug inside Jihoon anyway, twists it so the jewel fits snug against his ass, Jihoon moaning and turning on his back, Seungcheol between his legs. His cock still sits an angry red against his stomach, so hard it has to hurt.

"Can you... Um, can you turn it on? I just wanna see."

"Of course," Seungcheol nods, picking up the remote and turning the plug on to its lowest setting. Right away, Jihoon shivers, curls into himself.

" _Oh god._ Okay, okay, I see, turn it off, please."

So Seungcheol does, interlocking his fingers with Jihoon's. He barely looks like he can take being touched, Seungcheol doesn't even think about actually keeping the plug on.

"Can we have a compromise, baby boy?" Seungcheol starts, kissing his neck, nuzzling into it.

"What is it?"

"You let me make you come now, and then I'll do what you said, turn it on later and keep you in my lap, eat you out or fuck you again. Please, baby." Jihoon almost pouts, which he'd never admit, but Seungcheol knows how to be disarming, he thinks. "I'll be good, do whatever you want. Okay?"

"Damn. Fine."

"Great," Seungcheol grins, kisses down Jihoon's chest, leaving a bite mark on his navel. Now he can, he figures, they'll heal until they leave.

When he touches the tip of his tongue on Jihoon's cock, he _screams._ Seungcheol puts a hand on his waist, takes the head in his mouth and sucks on it, slow and barely there. Jihoon is so fucking sensitive he cries out right away, the stimulation obviously too much. The time, and the cock ring, and what they've been doing, it _is_ too much, Seungcheol knows. So he does his best to be slow, suck Jihoon in despite how hard he's trembling and moaning.

"So much, too much," he mewls. Seungcheol takes pity on him and pulls off for a while, kisses his hipbone.

"I know. But it'll feel good. Lemme make you feel good," he whispers to him, rubbing his hand gently over his hip.

When Jihoon relaxes back into the pillow, Seungcheol gets his mouth on him again, takes him in as deep as he can. Jihoon's not small, but Seungcheol does his best to hollow his cheeks in, roll his tongue on the vein on the underside of his cock, tease his slit.

"Oh god I'm gonna come," he hears him moan, so Seungcheol keeps going, lightly gripping the base of his cock to help jerk him off too. "Why am I not coming, fuck," he groans, arching up into Seungcheol's touch.

"It's the ring, baby. Come on, let go, come for me," Seungcheol encourages him, diving back in to suck at his head. Jihoon trembles and whines, but soon enough, Seungcheol feels his come on his tongue, and does his best to stroke him lightly through it.

Jihoon downright screams, loud, guttural sounds that are somehow pained, reflecting that kind of pleasure that builds for way too long and doesn't release, but it rips and takes and goes through you with a force that you can't expect. Seungcheol knows how much it is, so he makes sure to keep going until Jihoon stops trembling, his hard breathing the only sound in the room, to not force him to come down too quick.

He swallows, looking at Jihoon, his eyes closed and his head arched back on the pillows.

"I'm going to take this off, okay?" Seungcheol says, and rolls off the ring, throwing it somewhere. It's reusable, but they'll probably end up trashing it. There are a few more in his suitcase anyway.

When he drops down next to Jihoon on his side, Jihoon cuddles up in his arms.

"What the fuck."

"That's what happens if you edge yourself like that, darling."

"I'm actually... I'm still kind of hard."

Seungcheol figured. He moves the hand on Jihoon's hip to his cock, lightly touching him with a finger, seeing him startle.

"Okay. No. That definitely does not mean I can do this again."

"Trust me, it will feel better. Let me take care of you?"

"God," Jihoon whispers, but he muffles his head in Seungcheol's neck, his hot breathing making Seungcheol's skin burn.

Seungcheol gets his hand on him even through the hisses and the startled moans. It hurts more than it helps now, but when you let go, the feeling is better than anything in the world. It's hard to do it to yourself, but Seungcheol can hold Jihoon's head in his neck, still jerking him off with a light grip despite his pain.

He knows when Jihoon got used to it by the fact that he arches in his grip now, so Seungcheol tightens his hand, twists his wrist at the top and digs his thumb below his head, sliding it up into his slit and rubbing. Like always, it makes Jihoon come in two seconds flat, his groans still somehow pained, but not as much. He barely comes, but it's fair; they've had so much sex today, he wonders how they're both still awake and not passed out from exhaustion.

"Okay. What the fuck. Again. I feel so good, but so done. _That hurt._ "

"Let's skip the sunset, yeah?" Seungcheol kisses Jihoon's temple, lets him sneak a hand under Seungcheol's waist to really hug him.

"Yeah. I think I'm good with that."

"Good. Let me take the plug out of you. We'll use it later."

"Can you... can you actually leave it in?"

"You want to?" Seungcheol arches an eyebrow, smoothing a hand over Jihoon's brow.

"Yeah. Take it off in the morning, maybe... you can fuck me again then."

"You're unbelievable."

"True," Jihoon stands up, but he doesn't realize it's too sudden. "God, my whole body hurts."

"I'll draw you a bath."

\---

The third day is for exploring the island. The forest was deemed safe for them to walk around and hike, both for them and the ecosystems, so they go. It's overkill for Seungcheol to bring this much food and water, Jihoon thinks.

He quickly eats his words like 6 kilometers in, a bit more than two hours later, when he has been looking at parrots for half an hour.

"This is fucking gorgeous," Jihoon tells Seungcheol, getting the sandwich he had made.

"I know."

There are so many birds, and little animals, and things crawling on Jihoon too, but he's wearing long everything, and it's bite-proof and stuff, so he's safe. So he enjoys it, lays on the rock he and Seungcheol found, laying his shoulder on his for a bit more support.

"Thank you," he says. Chokes on it a little bit, but says it anyway.

"For what?"

"For... this. You... were right. I missed the sun. I missed walking around. I missed just lounging around with a book outside."

Seungcheol smirks at him. "I won't say I told you so."

"Fuck off."

"Hey," Seungcheol puts his head on his shoulder. "Thank you for coming here with me too. There's nowhere I'd rather be."

"I know," he smiles, a little purse of lips. "Everyone's gonna wonder why I'm so tan. 'Cause I never go out."

"Do you not because... of fans, or just because you don't want to?"

"No, it's not all because of fans. People more popular than me go stroll in parks all the time. I guess... I've become comfortable. There's nothing that goes wrong at home, and everything is safe."

"You've gotten involved with the wrong person then," Seungcheol snorts on his shoulder. "Nothing safe here."

"I'm in the sun, am I not? Gave up safe a while ago."

\---

"Umm..." Jihoon starts, and figures he should get straight to the point. "Remember what I said a while ago?"

"When?" Seungcheol asks him back, taking his nose out of the book."

"A while. That I'd... well, I wanted to try... switching."

"Oh," Seungcheol puts his book down, closes it. "Well, I do remember. Do you want to?"

"Only if you do. I wanted to ask it now, when we're not in the middle of... doing things and you'll regret it or something."

"I'd never regret it, darling. It's not a big deal. I'll go shower, and if you want to wait for me naked, I totally don't mind that," Seungcheol smirks, pulling him in for a kiss. Jihoon goes, falls into his lap, slips his tongue past his lips. It gets heated in a second, like always with them, because anything that Seungcheol does raises a fire in Jihoon.

But he pulls away. Eyes on the larger picture.

"Are you sure you're... umm, good to do it? Clean up?"

"Yes, Jihoon-ah. I'm not clueless, trust me."

"Okay. Go then," Jihoon gets off from his lap, putting his knees under him on the couch, rubbing a hand over his face.

"Why are you the embarrassed one here?" Seungcheol stands up and chuckles, tilting his chin with a finger and kissing him.

"I'm not. Go."

Jihoon is kind of embarrassed. For what, he doesn't really know. But also kind of turned on.

He's not naked when Seungcheol comes back to the bedroom, but is almost there. Seungcheol's wearing only pajama pants, the drawstring untied. Jihoon pulls him by them until Seungcheol falls into his lap this time, Jihoon's hands immediately attaching to his thighs straining through the thin material.

"I fucking love your thighs."

"Oh. Really?" Seungcheol smirks, putting his hands over Jihoon's.

"Yeah. Honestly... your ass too. You're _thick._ "

"How did you resist me until now?"

"I didn't," Jihoon cocks an eyebrow. "I get my fix seeing you flex when you fuck me."

"Okay," Seungcheol laughs. "I have to get used to this complete honesty during sex thing, so I don't get surprised when you say things like that."

Even with the knowledge that they're about to do what they're about to do, that Jihoon is going to fuck him, he still looks so composed, so sure of himself. To say that Jihoon is surprised is an understatement. To say he needs to do something about that... that's certain.

His hand sneaks in Seungcheol's wet hair, brings it down from where it was pushed back, slick only from the water. With the hair in his eyes, Seungcheol looks... younger, more attainable. More like it's real, and Jihoon is just about to _get some of him._

His pants have to go first, Jihoon decides, so he tugs at them, brings them under his ass, holding to the tops of his thighs. Just enough for his half-hard cock to spring free, resting on the band of his pants. Jihoon... wants to touch. So he does, drags his hands from the front of his thighs to his back, moves them down, down, just above the curve of Seungcheol's (thick) ass.

He's still in disbelief that he's allowed to do this, touch Seungcheol like that.

"Enjoying it, baby?" Seungcheol teases him, but Jihoon recognizes the hitch of his breath for what it is. He's as nervous as Jihoon, at least.

"How long have you not done this for?"

"Gotten fucked? God, it's been years," he chuckles, throwing his head up, so as to remember. "Probably since my trainee days? So 11 years? No, wait, once in college. So like 10 years."

"What the fuck," the curse escapes Jihoon, whispered under his breath.

"I've gotten fingered a couple times since, if it makes you feel better," he shrugs. "I trust you anyway. It's not a big deal, really."

"I wanna make it good for you."

"And you will. Don't worry," Seungcheol settles deeper in his lap, putting his hands over Jihoon's, dragging them down actually over his (thick) ass. Just that switches the atmosphere, until Jihoon takes a quick breath, becomes surer of his own movements.

He kisses Seungcheol, pulls him in like he does to Jihoon so many times, digging his fingers in, keeping him in place. Jihoon's learned to top partly from Seungcheol, kind of, so it makes sense.

And then he gets brave. His hands flutter over Seungcheol's ass, just one finger pressing on his hole, just like that. If you're sensitive enough, that much gets to you, Jihoon knows.

"Fuck."

"Don't worry, I won't do it dry."

"I'm not worried," Seungcheol groans. "Just... fuck."

Jihoon kisses him again, grinds up on him just a little, Seungcheol's cock already getting hard.

Fuck waiting. Jihoon finds the lube from where he put it earlier, goes to open it.

"Wait. How do you want it?"

"Whatever's fine," Seungcheol answers. "I don't know. On our sides? I kinda like that idea. It could be easier for you too."

"Ah, so because I'm short?" Jihoon counteracts, grabbing Seungcheol's hips, turning him around, grabbing his pants to take them off, Seungcheol helping by lifting his hips up.

"No, baby. You're not."

"Shut up," Jihoon kisses him, bends down over him, making removing his own clothes a tad bit difficult. But he manages, and settles behind Seungcheol, the curve of his ass even more obvious in this position.

Honestly, he has a fantastic ass. Jihoon... is excited.

He's also never topped before, but that's not something he'll tell Seungcheol.

He uncaps the lube, dribbles way more than he needs over his fingers. He skips the warming up because that's mostly pointless, and drags his fingers over Seungcheol's cheeks, teasing at his hole.

"Fuck. How does even that feel good?" Seungcheol groans, pushing back on him. "Do it. Please." Jihoon does, slips a finger inside him slow, so slow.

He's so tight it's ridiculous. How is Jihoon supposed to do this? He'll come before he's even fully inside him.

But that's not the focus now. Jihoon puts that away and focuses on him, getting Seungcheol used to the feeling.

"How is it?"

"Fuck."

"Is that all you can say?" Jihoon murmurs in his hair, Seungcheol's head arching back.

"No. Add one more, and then I'll see."

"Are you sure?" Jihoon asks.

"Yeah. Sure. Do it," he groans, Jihoon pulling his index finger out and adding his middle finger, pressing them in even slower than before.

_"Goddamn."_

"How does it feel now?"

"It feels," Seungcheol laughs, a bit out of breath. "I kind of like it. I always have."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You can do whatever you want, I'm good."

"Okay," Jihoon nods in his shoulder, drags his fingers out and presses them back in, trying to scissor them. Seungcheol's tight like a vice around him, so tight Jihoon might pass out.

"Relax, baby," he prods, just after realizing what he's said.

Fuck it. It's fine. He's about to fuck Seungcheol, surely one nickname won't hurt.

"Baby? You barely call me that."

Jihoon tries to shut him up by crooking his fingers, searching for his spot, but he doesn't seem to find it.

"You're almost there," Seungcheol moans, since he can tell. "Almost, just... press a little deeper. Or something."

Jihoon does, tries to crook his fingers a few more places again. He knows when he gets it by how Seungcheol clenches around him, his surprised moan.

"Oh, _fuck me._ Forgot how good that feels, goddamn," he groans, instinctively pressing closer on Jihoon.

It's game over for him, Jihoon thinks, insistently pressing on his spot, knowing how good it is at distracting from the pain.

"Oh god, I'm literally leaking, fuck. I might come before you get your cock in me if you keep that up," Seungcheol laughs between two deep, gravely moans. Jihoon figures it's time to add one more finger.

"I'm gonna add one more, okay?"

"Yeah. Do it."

Jihoon does, puts more lube and then presses his ring finger inside Seungcheol as well. Now the stretch is at its worst, so Jihoon's slow, as careful as he can be, his free hand stroking through Seungcheol's wet hair.

"Don't worry, it's good," Seungcheol throws without Jihoon having prompted, probably feeling Jihoon's nerves.

"You're so tight."

"I'm gonna take that as a compliment," he whispers, breathless.

He should. Jihoon takes a chance and looks down, and he shouldn't have. _He really shouldn't have._ Seeing Seungcheol's rim stretching around _three_ of his fingers, Jihoon's hand between his round cheeks, it's a bit of a disarming sight. Jihoon might not even have to be touched if this keeps on like this.

"You're doing so good," Jihoon whispers, not comfortable with dirty talk yet; he could tell Seungcheol everything about his kinks, but in the middle of it, it's weird. He thinks Seungcheol appreciates the effort anyway, by how he hums, tilting his head back.

Jihoon would kiss him, but he can only reach his shoulder, so he presses a light kiss there. Seungcheol's already sweaty, but he's also pressing on Jihoon's fingers, grinding slowly on them; Jihoon spreads them a little to get him ready.

"You're so good at this."

Jihoon doubts, but he'll also take the compliment. Maybe being a bottom helps with knowing what you have to do.

He can't quite make Seungcheol go crazy the same way he does to him with just his fingers, but he figures he can try. He takes his third finger out to press two fingers deeper inside of him, find his spot again.

" _Fuck,_ Jihoon-ah. That's a low blow, I was just getting used to it," he whispers, but grinds back, trying to get Jihoon deeper. It must feel good, his little moans raising in volume until it's clear that he's comfortable, and Jihoon adds his third finger back.

Now that the worst part is over, Seungcheol seems to enjoy this, soft sighs of pleasure falling from his lips. The furrow of his eyebrows slowly turns from pain to pleasure, Jihoon can see it in the curve of his lips too, in how relaxed he's becoming. He's not touching his cock either, his eyes closed, just letting Jihoon do whatever he wants with him, focusing on only his fingers drawing that intense pleasure from him.

Jihoon adds more lube again, until his fingers slide in and out of Seungcheol easily, his ass turned even more towards him, the curve of his back arched prettily. Seungcheol really has a fantastic ass. Jihoon will die when he gets to actually put his cock in him.

It could be minutes or it could be hours, Jihoon doesn't know, until he registers the soft _'please'_ falling from Seungcheol's lips.

_Damn._ Seungcheol would _beg_ for him.

"Should I...?"

"Yes. Fuck me. I'm good."

Jihoon's fingers tremble when he pulls them out, one by one, slow.

"Condom?"

"Nah. We're good. Honestly... I don't even know if I brought some."

"You brought every sex toy imaginable and unimaginable to man and you don't have condoms?" Jihoon snorts, the banter helping release his nerves. He doesn't want to hurt him.

"Well... priorities, I figured."

Jihoon quickly shuts him up when he grinds between his cheeks, his cock lubed up.

He doesn't know how, he doesn't know when, but once, he's going to grind on Seungcheol just like this until he comes; his cheeks are just so round, so good for this, so tight around him.

And then Jihoon gathers his guts and holds his cock to Seungcheol's hole, teasing him for just a little before he pushes in, kissing his shoulder, whispering words of comfort in his ear.

It's heaven. He's so hot, so tight, his fingers couldn't even compare to this feeling of Seungcheol squeezing so perfectly around him.

"Fuck," Seungcheol cries out, at the same time Jihoon moans, his head nudging deeper inside him. "Keep going, fuck," he throws, moving just a little, which gets Jihoon deeper inside him, a few centimeters all at once. He quickly puts his hand on Seungcheol's hip to keep him in place so he doesn't hurt himself.

It's hell too. Hell because it's too good, Jihoon knows he's not going to last when Seungcheol feels this good.

He doesn't try to push in all at once because that will hurt, he knows. He tries to pull out just a little, but Seungcheol is so tight he can barely move.

"Relax, hyung," Jihoon prompts him, holding one of his cheeks in his hand and pulling it apart, for Jihoon to move easier.

And then he makes the mistake of looking down again, seeing his cock stretch Seungcheol, hearing his breathy moans, and he swears he almost comes.

"God," Jihoon whispers this time, not being able to take his eyes away when he pulls out and pushes in for just a few centimeters. Seeing and feeling all at once... is not good. It's terrible. Jihoon thinks of everything and anything to hold himself back.

"Are you doing okay?" Jihoon asks, coming back to himself just a little, pausing his movements.

"I'm doing fantastic. Please fuck me before I lose my mind," Seungcheol answers, breathless and heavy, his sentence dissolved into long moans when Jihoon pushes in again. Or tries to.

"You gotta relax for me to do that, hyung. You're so tight. Just let go. Relax, you're doing so good. We have time."

He tries, and Jihoon pushes, grinds inside him until he's in him all the way, and counts his blessings for not having come yet.

"You're so _deep._ "

God, Jihoon will really come. He will come if Seungcheol says anything else.

So he grinds inside him, doesn't thrust yet, just to get Seungcheol used to the feeling, get him comfortable. It means Seungcheol's vice-tight grip on his cock gets to him though.

When he thinks Seungcheol's ready, he pulls almost all the way out, until only his head is inside Seungcheol, and pushes back in. Deep.

Seungcheol groans, low and long. "How do you feel so good. _Oh my fucking god._ "

Jihoon... he wants to see his face. He has this urge to see him, to touch him, not like now.

"Hyung... can we switch positions? I want to see you."

"Fuck. Okay, of course."

So Jihoon moves, slowly, Seungcheol's rim tightening around his head when he pulls out.

They switch, Jihoon moving until he's in between Seungcheol's spread legs, his strong thighs bracketing Jihoon, his hips pressing into the bed. He gets a pillow to put under Seungcheol's hips, raise his ass so Jihoon can fuck him properly.

Jesus. Jihoon really will come quick, he doesn't stand a chance, looking at Seungcheol now. He's all disheveled, his hair is sticking in all ways to heaven, he's blushing all the way down to his chest, and his untouched cock sits hard and red on his stomach, his thighs tight around Jihoon. And then Jihoon looks up, and sees there are tears in his eyes.

"Fuck. Did I hurt you?" Jihoon asks, immediately alarmed.

"No, no, I'm fine," Seungcheol nods, and he seems like he is. Jihoon breathes, exhales a nervous breath. "You're not small, Jihoon-ah. It's fine, I'm used to it by now. Now _please._ "

This position is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because he can see Seungcheol's face when he enters him again. A curse because he can see Seungcheol's face when he enters him again.

All scrunched up, his mouth falling into a perfect _'o',_ looking like he's trying hard to enjoy the feeling for as long as he can. His hands are holding on to Jihoon, to his arms, while Jihoon's are on his _thighs._  He attempts to fuck him properly now, thrust a little quicker, because he doesn't know how long he'll last, and he wants to make it good.

Seungcheol's biting his bottom lip though, his lips curled up into a slight smile, his eyes closed and his head tipped back, his dark hair falling onto the red bedsheets. He's slowly grinding down on Jihoon's cock, his hips moving on him, his chest arched under Jihoon's hands. Jihoon won't last, he just looks so good, feels so good around him. So he takes Seungcheol's cock in his hand, spreading the precome to make the slide easier.

Seungcheol's eyes shoot open, his head coming off from the pillow.

"Fuck."

"This is pretty much all you've said this entire time," Jihoon chokes out. "Are you okay?"

"You have no idea how good this is. I might come like right now, honestly," he laughs, his head falling back onto the pillow. "Jesus. You're too good."

Jihoon focuses on timing his slow thrusts with his grip on Seungcheol's cock, letting him fuck down onto him and then back up in his fist, rubbing at his head. It's no intense sex, no hard, quick fuck, but honestly, Jihoon thinks it's perfect.

It might be good for Seungcheol too, judging by how suddenly his orgasm hits, his jaw dropping and his back arching off of the bed, strings of come shooting up to his chin. He's quieter than Jihoon thought, only his unhinged jaw and his choked up moan an indicator of the fact that he just came. And came hard, for so long and so much Jihoon is taken aback.

Jihoon stops, slows his thrusts to small grinds deep inside him until Seungcheol comes back to himself with a cough.

"Fuck. I think you hit my spot or something right then, because it was just so good, and then it was _too good,_ I just... Fuck. I'm sorry," he laughs, moaning through his words.

"No, why are you sorry?" Jihoon asks him, interlocking their fingers. "I'm sorry that I couldn't do better."

"Please, don't even think that," Seungcheol says with a smile. "I'm so good. That was _so good._ Come, please come."

Jihoon fucks him a little bit more intently than just a grind, but the sight of Seungcheol covered in come, smiling up at Jihoon, his mouth still open, is enough to do it, honestly. He pulls out slowly, Seungcheol moaning, and quickly jerks his cock over his stomach. It takes maybe five seconds before pleasure washes over him, and he paints Seungcheol's stomach and chest with his own come too.

When he drops on his side, it's still Seungcheol who tucks him into his arm.

"That was... amazing. Thank you, Jihoon-ah."

"I should thank you. I'm sorry I couldn't do more."

"Are you kidding me? That was incredible. I'm counting that as my first time; consider my virginity taken successfully. _Very_ successfully."

"That was... my first time topping too. So for both of us then."

Seungcheol turns to gape at him, his mouth open in shock. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I... never topped anyone before."

"Holy hell. I didn't know."

"It's fine. I didn't want you to think I couldn't do it or that I didn't know what I was doing, and not enjoy it."

"That's fine. I really don't mind. My brains are too fucked out to care right now, but even if they weren't, I still wouldn't care. Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too," Jihoon replies, kisses Seungcheol, a sweet, small peck on the lips.

\---

After they clean up, Seungcheol is sure he's glowing. He's sore, just the littlest bit, but Jihoon was so careful with him he doesn't really feel it.

He is glad when Jihoon ends up in his lap though, lazily making out on the bed. Nothing's changed, except that Seungcheol is now open to this entire new possibility of pleasure.

“Are you a bottom now?” Jihoon asks, a little bit coy.

“Hmm. Not for good," Seungcheol hums. "But if you want to do it again, tell me. I'd _gladly_ do it. Anytime. That was amazing."

“You’d do it again?”

“Yeah, of course baby. I mean I did this because you wanted to try it and I think I like being on the other side more, but it doesn’t mean I don’t like it or that I wouldn’t do it again. I really do, _trust me._ It’s like a different position, some you like more and some less, but it doesn’t mean you’ll only have sex in those positions that you like most. If you wanna switch, I’m down anytime.”

“So you don’t... think it’s demeaning or anything? Or like...”

“Baby, is that what you think?” Seungcheol asks him, his eyes wide. Is that what he thinks? “That bottoming is demeaning?”

Jihoon swallows, his eyes dropping. “No, like... not for me, but like, I’m an idol, and I’m small anyway, and there is that expectation anyway, and you’re like...”

“Hold up. Hold up,” Seungcheol sputters. “Whose expectation? Society’s?”

“Society doesn’t even accept us, but... I guess? I don’t know? Don’t you expect it too?”

“No?” Seungcheol answers, confused. But... he thinks he can see where Jihoon’s thoughts come from a little bit. “Look... I... no matter how much we say that we don’t like power play, there is some in sex itself. And... most of the people I’ve fucked in life I’ve fucked for exactly that dynamic. But that’s because sex was just to prove a point, not for it itself. But not us, Jihoon-ah. I know that’s how it was back then, but you said yourself we’ve moved on, right?”

“Yeah, I guess. It's not from back then. I guess it’s irrational. Sorry.”

“No. Don’t apologize. Just... do you like bottoming?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Good. Then tell me what you like.”

“What?”

“Yesterday I told you what I like about fucking you. Now tell me what you like about getting fucked,” Seungcheol explains, slow.

“I...”

“Just try. Don’t tell me what society tells you you should like. Tell me what you like. Please.”

Jihoon bites his lip in his lap, but not to seem coy or anything. He’s genuinely thinking.

“Um... I like you entering me. That stretch at the beginning, the like... gradually full feeling.” He’s blushing, even though he’s trying not to make it seem like this is affecting him. Seungcheol wonders how can you live with the pressure of those expectations on you and still enjoy sex. Jihoon’s amazing. “I... I like feeling full. The pressure.”

“Okay.”

“I guess... when I didn’t see you properly for like a few weeks now and we got here... I just wanted you inside of me. I missed the feeling.”

“Okay, baby. What else?” Seungcheol asks, like his heart and the heart in his dick didn't swell ten times from what Jihoon's just said.

“I like the pleasure. You always find my spot so easily and I can never find it by myself, and it feels... good. I told you that your cock curves up, so you're always on it, and it feels amazing. It’s like it comes from somewhere else.”

Seungcheol encourages him, holding a hand on his thigh, squeezing it just a little. God, he needs to calm down.

“I like... I like it slow sometimes, just the drag of your cock inside me feels really good then. When it’s not slow, I like... just being held down and taking it.” Jihoon looks like he got some confidence, his words a little bit surer. “I like you coming inside me, but I know you know that. I... umm, maybe we can talk about this more, but I kind of... like what we did last night.”

“What, baby?” Seungcheol asks, and maybe regrets it a little. Jihoon’s going to kill him, that’s sure.

“I liked... having the plug inside me for a while. With your come. I liked... waking up and then you fucking me again. I kind of...”

He stops. Seungcheol waits, rubs a hand over his hip.

“I looked it up before. I just... I’d like to try it, if you want to, you just... staying inside me. For a while.”

“Fuck,” the word escapes Seungcheol before he can hold it back. Jihoon is... he really is something else.

“Okay. I know it’s weird,” Jihoon snorts, and he’s back to normal.

“It’s not weird!” Seungcheol exclaims, chuckles. He pulls Jihoon in by the waist, brings him closer so he can whisper to him, like it’s a secret. “You know what this is called?”

“What?” Jihoon scowls, his tone sounding like he’s almost annoyed. Seungcheol knows he’s not really, that it's just a defense mechanism, coming from how much he's shared about himself. Seungcheol needs to get back on track, so Jihoon doesn't get hurt or annoyed at himself, retreating back into his preconceived ideas of what is shameful. Better for him to be annoyed at Seungcheol.

“You’re a cockslut.”

The pillow he gets to the face is not a defense mechanism. It's well deserved, honestly.

“Fuck off.”

“It’s true though,” Seungcheol chuckles, doesn’t let Jihoon get away.

“I thought you were trying to prove to me this is not demeaning.”

“But it’s not!” Seungcheol asks, more serious this time. “What from what you just told me right now is demeaning?”

“Nothing, especially not the bit about me being a cockslut,” he throws, sarcastic. No matter how much is a joke and how much is not, Seungcheol doesn’t want him to be hurt when the point is exactly different.

“Hey, hey,” Seungcheol holds his waist. “Nothing. Really nothing. What you like in bed, whatever it is, even if it was you being humiliated and called names or whatever, is not actually demeaning. The fact that you are smaller or that you’re an idol or whatever you are in life or whatever doesn’t mean anything for what you should like in bed, or if you like taking dick or not. If you enjoy bottoming that’s fine, if you actually enjoy it and you’re not just doing it because you think you have no other choice. You have a choice. I’m sorry I never explicitly gave it to you and I assumed.”

“You didn’t assume,” Jihoon shakes his head. “I do like it, and I like it with you. I guess not just because I think I should. I guess it just works well with what’s expected,” he snorts.

“No. It doesn’t work well. It doesn’t work at all because you shouldn’t care about what’s expected. Fuck that. Do you enjoy it?”

“Yes.”

“Then that’s it. We match well and that’s it. And we’ll switch whenever we want. Plus, for the record, if you’re a cockslut... I’m a _youslut._ ”

Jihoon looks at him in silence.

“Let go of me. Get away.”

“Awwwh, Jihoon-ah!”

\---

"We delayed this for like two days. We should go."

"Yeah, I wanna go," Jihoon nods. "Let's go."

But then he looks at Seungcheol, and realizes he's the one who doesn't want to go.

"Get up," he pulls his hand, but Seungcheol only groans.

"Ouch. I'm hurt."

"You're a baby. Let's go."

"I'm really hurt," he pouts. "You were rough."

"I was not, but anyway, you ran that airstrip ten times this morning; I couldn't even do half of those laps. You're fine."

"Okay. Fine. Let me get dressed."

By some miracle, they do go. In that nice little boat that Seungcheol forgets how to use and Jihoon googles, getting it to work together. But they make it, and in time.

A tour guide meets them when they get off the boat. He only seems to speak English, but Seungcheol turns to Jihoon.

"I'll translate."

The tour is great. It's crazy, that Jihoon is with Seungcheol, taking a tour of an island in a country that Jihoon couldn't even pinpoint on a map before now. But it's so beautiful, the nature is gorgeous, the ocean blue and bright, and Jihoon has time to even buy carefully crafted souvenirs for his members. He feels a little bit bad though, in all honesty; now Jihoon is rich. Kind of. And they're tourists in this beautiful country that feels... unspoiled. He feels bad. He feels exploitative, even though the tried to learn a few words in the native language that is not English and he was nice and he tipped really well.

When they reach the beach again, Seungcheol turns to him.

“Do you want to go scuba diving?” he asks Jihoon, turning back to their tour guide when he starts speaking again.

“What is he saying?”

“A scuba diving class is included in the tour. I’ll skip, but you should go ahead, I’ll watch and support.”

Jihoon looks at him.

“Why?”

“I have a fear of water... pretty irrational.”

Jihoon recalls wondering why he didn’t go swimming with him much this trip, actually, but he just thought he was tired.

“No, I’m okay. I can go swimming at home. Let’s go back.” Especially since Jihoon has been feeling off this entire tour.

So they go back, leaving their boat and walking back to their bungalow under the scorching sun.

\---

"I... wanted to ask you something," Jihoon starts that evening, lounging on the sofa in the study. "Today. When you didn't want to go scuba diving, you said it's irrational. But... is it really?"

Seungcheol huffs.

"You know me too well."

"What is it then?" Jihoon asks slowly, resting his head on the sofa.

“It’s not really my story to tell, but it’s also not really anybody else’s, so... here we go," he huffs. "Jeonghan and I were 15, and we had been living in Daegu for around a year. Jeonghan’s family and my family had come to see us, and we were in one of my grandparents’ hotels on the beach where you could see the sea.

I... told you before that Jeonghan’s older sister died young. She was a sickly child, had lung issues, and she was playing with Jeonghan and their parents weren’t there, they were... arguing in the kitchen. He was like 2 and she was around 5, and he didn’t know how to play. He accidentally pushed her over. She fell somehow, and hit her head or something, I don’t actually know what happened. Nobody really knows, but she stopped breathing quickly, died before their parents could come. Jeonghan’s father has blamed Jeonghan ever since. He had mental issues before, but it got much worse after her death. Jeonghan’s childhood was... awful. But then he got better for a while, and because he is the kindest man when he’s not in one of his... times, everyone thought he was fine.

That night though, while my parents and my grandparents and their whole family was there, he called Jeonghan so many things a 15-year old should never hear. I don't know what triggered him then, but it was... it was terrifying, and I got so angry. But Jeonghan said it’s fine, that it’s not really him, and it’s okay. We could talk about it later.

And then we had dinner. Jeonghan excused himself from it early, and even though we were never supposed to, they didn’t chase him down. I stayed, because I was more obedient. But a few minutes later... I had a bad feeling. It was just a feeling, but I left even if they yelled for me. I went up to our room, and Jeonghan... wasn't there.

You could see the sea from our room though. It was pitch black, but... I saw him. In the water. Before he disappeared.”

Jihoon is struck silent. Seungcheol chuckles, a completely humorless laugh. He's looking at the floor, not at Jihoon; Jihoon can see his tense muscles, his drawn expression though.

“I don’t know how I got there. I don’t know how I saw him. He was floating on the surface, but he didn’t answer when I called. I don’t know how I swam to him. I don’t know how I got him back to the shore.

He wasn’t breathing, but he couldn’t have been dead. He couldn’t have. I did CPR on him, and it could’ve been a few seconds, could’ve been hours, before my grandfather came with the paramedics. He told me later he was the only one who knew something was wrong. Everyone else, our parents, his parents, everyone thought we were just moody teenagers. Later... the paramedics told me it could’ve been only a few more seconds. Or if I didn’t know how to do CPR. He’d be dead.”

Jihoon has never really seen Seungcheol cry. But now... there are tears in his eyes. Jihoon tears up too, because this... this is a lot, especially knowing how much Seungcheol cares about him.

“He doesn’t remember. He woke up in the hospital and we told him he fell and passed out. His mind blocked that memory, but I think he kind of knows, because everybody always sort of refuses to talk to him about that night. I never told him either. I never told anyone.

That night was also the first time I got into a real fight. I would’ve killed his father, I know, if I could have. I would’ve died too, but... if he died, I would have too. That was also the last time I’ve ever insisted he leave Daegu and go back to his family. The time I also knew we were going to be stuck together forever, and be each other's responsibility.”

“Fuck.”

“So, long story short, that’s why I don’t like large bodies of water,” he smiles, but it’s fake. Jihoon grabs his hand.

“I’m sorry that you have to live with this.”

“It’s okay. He’s alive, I couldn’t care less about the memory.”

It's barely a minute though before Jihoon registers his phone is lighting up, so he grabs it. Jeonghan's name flashes on the screen, and he narrows his eyes. Why would he call Jihoon, and why all of a sudden?

He answers and puts it on speaker.

"Yes?"

_"Where the_ fuck _is Seungcheol's phone? I called you like 20 times."_

"Oh shit, I forgot it in the kitchen. Sorry. What's up?" Seungcheol asks, cuddling into Jihoon, his eyebrows drawn.

_"Cheol-ah... You two have to come back. We're being attacked."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ba dum tss*
> 
> -
> 
> jihoon: use me
> 
> seungcheol: *tells him in detail what he loves about him*
> 
> -
> 
> You know, I started writing this chapter properly and I realized I felt like I hadn't written a proper sex scene in a long time. And I was right! Since chapter 6. So I was like... let's write _three._ Four, pretty much. And then it got out of hand and I was at 13,000 words and... yeah.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed what I felt was long expected; some of these scenes were hotter, some were dirtier, some were more heartfelt, but I hope you liked all of them. So... here we go. See you next week. ;) <3


	11. (happiness) feels like debt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with the delay to this chapter, loves! I hope you enjoy it!

"Sorry I had to end the call, we were taking off," Seungcheol tells Jeonghan, putting the phone on speaker on the little table between them. Across from him, Jihoon tucks his legs under himself, leans in the seat.

_"It's okay. I checked again. Three houses were attacked, all three around Seoul, and two drug drop-offs."_

"How many casualties?" Seungcheol sighs.

_"None. Some girls and one dealer are at our hospital, but no casualties. They didn't seem to want to kill. They just destroyed the houses. Or actually, none yet... some of them aren't doing too well."_

"Okay. Fuck."

_"Getting them the best doctors."_

"Please do. I'll be there in 10 hours. Did you talk to Jaehwa?"

_"Yeah. She's at the hospital with them."_

"I'll meet you at the office and we'll go there together then. Just... is she in Busan?" Seungcheol asks, drawing his lips. Jihoon observes, silently.

_"Yeah."_

"Knew it. Call Junhui, I'll call you soon."

Seungcheol sighs, hangs up and throws his phone on the table.

"What is going on? You don’t look too worried," Jihoon asks, searching Seungcheol.

"I am worried."

"Not as much as you should be."

"You’re right. My stepmother's... in Busan. We’ve known for a while, that her family is not working by themselves. That she’s connected to the Gyeongsang-do family, the Parks, that are to Gyeonsang-do who we are here," Seungcheol bites at his lip, fiddles with his fingers.

"Wait. So all this time, she wasn’t working alone, and you knew?" Seriously?

"Kind of? Kind of not? I feel like she’s not that connected to them, but they support her. They don’t like us much, since we’re from Daegu too and we have connections in their land. She played on that, got them to help her."

"So how... why did she go? Why did they suddenly decide to attack then, if they're not that connected? Isn't that like... terrible for your connections?" Jihoon asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

"So... you know we deal with drugs. Her family is heavily involved in this, especially in shipping and moving them, less in distribution. When we realized her nephew was cutting profits, and that some people in our family were helping her, including the husband of that girl you and Jisoo talked to, we had to find the money. It took us a few weeks, but Junhui and I traced it to a few accounts in Switzerland and Sri Lanka. A few days before we left, we blocked their accounts. Took a while, but we did it. The thing is... her son just died," Seungcheol explains.

"I remember."

"She wanted revenge on her daughter-in-law, who’s my cousin."

"Wait. She’s your stepmother," Jihoon narrows his eyes.

"Yeah... you can figure a lot of that happens in this family," he snorts. "Anyway, to get revenge, she needed a hitman. Who is not cheap, so I guess she found her accounts locked and decided it was time to flee."

"So you knew about this..."

"Yes. Jeonghan and I wondered for a while how to do this, if we should be the ones to attack, if to do it publicly or not. But then we realized it’d be better in the long run if she was the one to do it. Instead of us trying to cut her and risking not knowing something or the family turning against us for our decision, we just drove her back to the wall and forced her to pull her ultimate alliance: the Gyeongsang-do family. Now we can work on this without risking the entire family coming down on our heads. It will be a little more difficult, but the families have agreements that manage the relationship between us pretty closely. They won’t do much. We’ll manage it."

"Hmm. Just out of curiosity," Jihoon starts. "How old are these people? The heads of the other families?"

"Umm... most of them are old. Most of them are going away soon. So between 50 and 70?"

"And you’re 30."

"Yeah. It’s a slight issue, but it doesn’t matter much. Honestly, Jihoon... we’re the most powerful. The most connected. They know it too. It will be fine, even if it will take a while. And I’ll have to see how I manage everything so we have the least losses, so... I will probably have to struggle for a while, I'm sorry. But it will be fine."

"We will," Jihoon throws. "I’ll help."

"You don’t have to," Seungcheol looks at him with a small smile.

"I’m not asking, hyung. I’m telling you."

\---

 _'Wanna meet me at my place.'_ Wonwoo's text comes right as Soonyoung gets out of the shower, almost at midnight.

He hasn't texted him in a month, didn't even read Soonyoung's messages, and now _this?_

Soonyoung would delete his text, maybe block him for good, but he knows he'll end up giving up and going anyway.

His sigh echoes in the humid bathroom. Mingyu bangs on the door and asks him when he'll get out, so Soonyoung does, goes straight to the closet to find clothes.

\---

Wonwoo's not there when Soonyoung gets to his apartment. Thankfully, Soonyoung has a key, so he lets himself in, turns the lights on.

The apartment looks the same as when he came last, more than a month and a half ago. Wonwoo's shoes are strewn around the entryway, his door to the kitchen open. There are no dishes in the sink, and the calendar is set to a month before. A swipe on his counter turns up dust on Soonyoung's fingers.

"Hi."

Soonyoung startles, turns around with a hand on his chest.

"Fuck. You scared me."

"Thank you for coming."

Wonwoo looks exactly like he does when he's exhausted and tries to hide it. There's a duffel bag in his hand that he drops next to the door, a backpack he throws on the table.

"Where were you?"

"Can you pass me a beer?"

Soonyoung glances at him for a couple more seconds before he moves, takes out two beers from the fridge. There's not too much inside it, barely anything besides beer, water, and some kimchi.

"Not until you sit down," he tells Wonwoo, who makes a grabbing motion for it. But he does, sits down in one of the chairs at the bar table, so Soonyoung finds the bottle opener on his counter, pops both open and hands one to him.

Soonyoung sits across from him, looks into his eyes. There are dark circles under his eyes, his lips turned down.

Wonwoo takes off his jacket, and then his hoodie, dropping them on another chair. Next, he takes out his gun, puts it on the table, unclips his holster. First the silencer, and then two more motions, and the clip from the gun falls. It's almost empty, only one bullet left inside it. He takes the gun apart piece by piece, lays them on the table.

His cleaning kit is under his sink. Soonyoung drops from his chair, finds it in the exact same place, comes back and drops it on the table.

Wonwoo takes it. Slowly, his movements practiced, he cleans the gun. Piece by piece, he wipes it down, brushes it with the things he always does. Then, slow and steady again, he puts it back together. Puts the clip in, screws the silencer on.

Takes the safety off. Puts it on the table, handle to Soonyoung. Pushes it to him.

"Kill me. I know you want to."

Soonyoung takes it in his hand. It's lighter because the cabinet is almost empty. Unlike the one Soonyoung has under his jacket, all 16 bullets in.

He puts the safety back on, slides it back to him.

"I have my own, thank you very much."

Wonwoo takes it, puts it in the holster on the table.

"You were slow. If it was someone else, you'd be dead before you could startle."

"I knew it was you," Soonyoung throws, linking his fingers on the table. "Only you would ask a question and then put a period after it."

"Maybe it was not a question then."

Soonyoung smiles, hides his lips turning up.

"Where were you?"

"Taking care of business."

"For a month?"

"It was a lot of business."

"You didn't even tell me if you were alright."

"I was."

"You didn't even ask if I was alright."

"I knew you were. You texted me that."

"You didn't read my messages."

"I turned my read receipts off."

"Why?"

"Maybe I wanted you to think I wasn't."

"Did you think I'd forget you?" Soonyoung snorts, leaning back in his chair, breaking the tension. "You're an idiot."

Wonwoo hops down from his chair. The thing about his bar chairs is that they're the perfect height for Wonwoo and Soonyoung to be the same height even when only one of them is sitting down.

He kisses him. Soonyoung waits for a moment, unmoving, but then it's clear Wonwoo won't pull away this time.

His hand sneaks in Wonwoo's hair, grabbing a fistful of it, tilting Wonwoo's head so he can push his tongue in his mouth, fast, passionate; his other hand wraps around his neck, elbow bending to pull him in. Wonwoo's hands grab onto his thighs, him moaning in his mouth.

"I missed you so fucking much," Wonwoo admits when they pull away after minutes of just kissing, his voice rough.

"Well, I'm here."

Wonwoo's head buries in Soonyoung's chest, his own elbows linked around his neck. Soonyoung realized maybe recently, while Wonwoo was gone, maybe a long time before, that he wants to be there for Wonwoo anyway, whether the number of bullets in his cabinet is 16 or not.

\---

Jihoon looks at Seungcheol, who's fiddling with his phone, waiting for Jeonghan's call again. 4 hours left. His lip is in his mouth like always, and Jihoon's worried he's going to bite it raw.

"I wanted to tell you something."

They've had an idyllic four days, but their life is not on that damn island. Jihoon is not dumb. The life they had, the clear separation between the island and Seoul, the life they're going back to now, with the violence and the tragedy and the stress, reminds Jihoon about what Jisoo told him.

About creating a difference, the idea of a choice in Seungcheol's head. Limiting Jihoon to the life on that island, if only just a little.

Seungcheol's eyes raise to his, questioning. Maybe Jihoon is confident enough in what he sees in them to say it.

"If you want to sleep with Jeonghan... I'm okay with it."

\---

Jeonghan takes one step in his apartment, throws his keys on the table in the hall, walks to the couch where Jisoo is sitting like he has tunnel vision, and slams himself down on it, his head landing in Jisoo's lap, his eyes closing.

"Hi, darling. Are you tired?"

"So tired," Jeonghan whispers, muffled.

"Is Cheol coming?"

"Yeah. Jihoon and he are on the plane, should be here in like 5 hours. Thank you for going to the hospital, by the way."

"Of course. You should've told him sooner though, love. When the first house was hit," Jisoo gently scolds him, his hand running through Jeonghan's hair.

"I know. But I just wanted him and Hoonie to enjoy their holiday. They deserved it, needed it. They were drifting apart."

"Why?"

"Because of work, Jihoon's comeback, me. But anyway... it's fine. We'll handle this."

"Okay. Sleep for a little bit though. I'll put an alarm to wake you up before they get here."

"Mmm," Jeonghan manages to mumble. "Sleep with me. Can you put a song and then turn the music and the lights off?"

"Which one?"

"The new one from the kids. The falling for you one."

"Okay," Jisoo whispers, and Jeonghan feels him disappear from below him before he comes back, wiggles behind Jeonghan and wraps a hand around his waist. Jeonghan lets the soft notes of the song lull him to sleep, take the thoughts from his head, Jisoo's lips on the back of his head helping distract him.

\---

Jihoon realizes this is the first time he's been in Jisoo and Jeonghan's apartment with Seungcheol from the first step he takes in it. It's interesting, that he hasn't. Strange, even. But he doesn't even know why.

Voicing it is pointless, especially when the first thing Jeonghan does is come to hug Seungcheol, Seungcheol wrapping his hands around him right away. Right after, Jeonghan comes to him too, to hug him as well.

Jihoon is taken aback. He doesn't recall Jeonghan ever hugging him before, but he shakes himself out of it, wraps his hands around Jeonghan too.

"Sorry to take you out of it. Really needed you two back here," Jeonghan whispers to him, and Jihoon shakes his head.

"It's okay," he whispers back. "I'll try to help too."

"Thank you," Jeonghan mouths at him, turns back to the couch, sits down next to Seungcheol on the floor. Jihoon sits next to Jisoo on the actual couch, makes himself comfortable. Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Jisoo must've done this so many times, and Jihoon really wants to be a part of it too. To help, if he can.

"So what happened?" Seungcheol asks, taking the pack of cigarettes Jeonghan throws to him, lighting one up. Jeonghan does the same, takes out a few files and hands them to Seungcheol.

"Last night, at around 11 PM, there was a small shipment we had to take from the No. 4 warehouse next to Seoul to the distribution one north of Incheon. Right when it got there, the one in Incheon was attacked. It was an ambush, they kept shooting, got a few of them, put a few bags of cocaine in their bags and left. Same thing happened to another one at around 4 AM.

Today, this morning, three of our houses, all of them west of Seoul, you can see which ones there, were attacked. They just went in and started shooting. Made it seem like a robbery too, took the money in the registers and left. But it's clear that was not the point. Some of the girls are in the hospital, and one of the housemasters, as well as one of the workers at each of the warehouses."

"Fuck. Five places in one day?"

"Yeah. Nothing since this morning."

"So this was just the warning," Seungcheol nods, puts his forehead in the hand with the cigarette, thumbing through the papers. Jihoon looks closer at them. They seem to be photos. "Were those houses and the two warehouses cleared?"

"Yeah. The only issue is we have another big shipment of pills north of Incheon tonight. If that one gets hit..."

"Did you talk to mom?"

"Yeah. Said she'll go herself, but she wants me to go too. She doesn't know you're back, so if you want to go to the US to solve that..."

"No," Seungcheol quickly answers. "That's not the priority right now. We don't know when the next attacks will come. Tell her, and tell her I want to meet with her and father before we do anything."

"You should go. To the US," Jisoo intervenes, and Seungcheol sighs.

"What for?" Jihoon asks for the first time in this conversation. Seungcheol mentioned to him having to maybe go to the US soon at some point, but they forgot to finish that conversation.

"Remember I told you I sent Wonwoo off somewhere?"

"Yeah. To Chuncheon, to get rid of a CEO and a couple of other people," Jihoon answers. He was explicitly told by Wonwoo and Seungcheol not to tell Soonyoung, so he hadn't.

In case he didn't return.

"He came back tonight, and also found out what we had thought. That CEO and a couple of other people worked with my brother. In the US."

For some reason, Jihoon's not surprised. He knew nothing good would happen with him. Maybe Seungcheol should have just killed him after all.

"So do you want to go clean it up?"

"Clean up something somewhere, yeah," he snorts. Don't even know yet what's fully up."

"Not the priority though," Jeonghan nods, and Jihoon agrees.

"Yeah. Unless you think he's also planning something right now."

"Probably no. We don't know," Seungcheol says. "Anyway. Not for now. I wanna talk with the people who were there, the housemasters and Jaehwa too."

"I waited for you to come to really talk with them. They told me some small details only," Jeonghan nods. "I can get Gaeun to get security people and bring them to the office tomorrow, after we meet with mom and dad."

"Let's do that. Can we go to the hospital first though?"

"Yeah," Jeonghan nods, and gets up. "We'll talk with Gaeun on the way. I took your Range Rover, are you good to drive?"

"I will. Slept on the plane for an hour." Right. Jihoon almost forgot it's 4 AM, time got so twisted. Seungcheol turns to him and Jisoo, bites his lip. "Can I leave the press stuff and the statements to you two? Just say we're dealing with it and only give necessary details. And then can you reach out to the families of those who are in the hospital too? They should be there and I'll make sure to talk to them all if they are, but a statement from you, Jihoon, should do too. Also insurance stuff..."

"I got it," Jisoo nods, smiles at him. "I know what to do in case people are sick or pass away, I'll teach Jihoon as well. Go see what you need to do. We'll meet later."

\---

"Where were you?" Soonyoung asks later that night, when they're both laying in bed, exhausted.

"Are you sure you want to know?" Wonwoo hums, tucking his head in Soonyoung's arm, looking up at the ceiling.

Soonyoung's noticed the few more marks littering his body, some looking deeper, some more shallow. There are no words for much his heart broke when he saw them, how much he feels like he needs to be close to Wonwoo now, tug him close to his body and share some of the love he feels for him. He's glad nothing else happened, nothing much worse than that, really.

"Yeah. I really do, Won. I really do."

Soonyoung's dropped the hyung, the formalities with Wonwoo a while ago, between the few times Wonwoo left again. It doesn't feel like they needed them. He's surprised Wonwoo didn't punch him when he did though, and instead actually agreed to Soonyoung calling him weird nicknames.

So even if Wonwoo sighs, Soonyoung knows he's going to say it.

"If I tell you this, you can't tell Jihoon. Under any circumstances. Anyone else. Are we clear?" Wonwoo turns on his stomach, looking up at Soonyoung with a gaze so intense he knows he's not kidding.

"Yeah, of course. I wouldn't anyway."

"Okay," Wonwoo sighs. "Seungcheol never announced who I was to the family. They don't know I'm here and I'm back or whatever. So... I could go on undercover missions for him, help him with stuff people can't do and he doesn't trust others to do. So I was in Chuncheon. Undercover in a prostitution ring as a businessman. I had to get rid of someone, the CEO of a firm who needed to go. But it was... It was a lot."

"Why was it a lot?" Soonyoung whispers, looking at him. His expression is off, sad. Soonyoung aches to hug him.

"Their prostitution business is not as organized as here. It is like this here because Seungcheol cares, his father cared too, because his mother was an escort. But there... it's not like this. Nothing like this. Abuse, harassment, even children you can find so often if you just ask, in dark rooms in clubs or bars, shady basements. And I had to... I had to pretend to be one of those asking for them, you know. The more fucked up, the less questioning."

"Oh shit," Soonyoung whispers, wrapping a hand around Wonwoo's shoulder. _Fuck._

"You always pretend to be tough when you're here. But there's nothing that breaks you like the look in a girl's eyes when she is forced to go with you. Or worse, when there's no look. When they're either too drugged or too dead to care. No matter if you're nice to them, if you don't do anything, because you still have to provide the demand for them. Even if I didn't do anything. I just put them to bed, bought them food, and let them sleep and paid for the whole night too, gave my fucking compliments because maybe then they'd treat them better."

Soonyoung has goosebumps on his arms. He can't imagine it. He can't.

"But one night one of them couldn't lie to her pimp, accidentally said she didn't actually sleep with me. I told him it was my fault, that I just couldn't get it up, preferred to talk. Didn't matter to him. She didn't do her job."

Soonyoung's jaw drops. _No._

"He shot her. Right in front of me. Then turned to me and said it won't happen again, he bowed 90 degrees and apologized. Next time, he'll make sure I get _something_ better."

"Won..."

"I feel like shit, Soonyoung-ah... I feel like shit. I've seen so many people dead, I've killed so many, but then... I couldn't react fast enough to stop him. I feel like I should've just slept with her, you know? It's stupid, but it drove me crazy. I think it will always stick with me."

"Not your fault. It's not your fault," Soonyoung hugs him. "You did the right thing. She probably didn't want it anyway. It's not you who killed her." Soonyoung's stomach turns though, just imagining. He hates this world sometimes. And those who live in it.

"I... anyway, this is what you can't tell Jihoon though. When I was there, I met the owner of one of these prostitution rings. A woman. She was more the wife of the owner, but she actually dealt with the business," he sighs. "She... is Seungcheol's sister."

"Wait. Seungcheol has a sister?" Soonyoung's eyes widen.

"Yes. Not a legitimate one. When Seungcheol was young, his father cheated on his mother. With another escort. She got pregnant, but Seungcheol's mother didn't even think to recognize the baby. She ran away somewhere with money from Seungcheol's father, but she died later. Seungcheol's father's current wife, Seungcheol's mother, killed her when she married him, to ensure nothing stood in her way. But not her daughter. Nobody could find the daughter. Seungcheol's been looking for her for years, since he took over."

"And you found her?"

"Yeah."

"How do you know?"

"She told me. Her husband told me her story when we got drunk, and then when I got drunk with her too, she confirmed it. Everything fit well, and then I traced her lineage. Her mother is who I thought, and her father is unnamed. Her mother had more daughters, but... she kind of looks like him. Like Seungcheol."

"So shouldn't he know?" Soonyoung asks Wonwoo, confused.

"No. Not right now. Shit is starting to happen, it's going to throw him off. He's going to go look for her, I know, and we don't have time, especially when the balance between families is going to be thrown a bit when the Gyeongsang-do family attacks, as I told you. He can't be in other territories."

"Fuck, Won. This is messed up."

"Everything is messed up. Also... will you be more careful, please? When you leave your dorm and come here or whatever."

"Yeah. Yeah, I will," Soonyoung nods, pulls Wonwoo closer.

Wonwoo hums in his neck, the vibrations traveling on Soonyoung's skin. He's way more bared, more open tonight. It's the tragedy of what he's seen and done that makes him weak enough to tell Soonyoung what happened, ask for his help. Soonyoung is glad he can be there for him, even if only just to tell him it's not his fault, listen to him.

He's still horrified by what Wonwoo's doing, by his world. But after thinking a lot, after talking to Jihoon, maybe he's understood that there are some things Wonwoo, or they, don't do. That some things happen _to_ them, around them, and they do their best to navigate them and come up with the best possible outcome.

Soonyoung can understand that. Can help them with that. Help Wonwoo, because no matter how much they fight about pity, Soonyoung doesn't pity him. He wants to _help._

"I love you," he whispers to Wonwoo, as an apology for maybe not being there early enough. Not having realized that sooner.

"I love you too, Soonyoung. A lot. Thank you."

\---

Walking into the hospital almost makes Seungcheol stumble under the weight on his shoulders. Metaphorically and literally. It's stifling to think of what to expect, the sheer tragedy he is, more or less, responsible for. The faces of the families, torn about the possibility of losing a loved one.

Or even worse, if they don't have a family, which Seungcheol doesn't doubt is the case for most of them, especially the girls. Very often, they do what they do because they have no other choice in the beginning, and then slowly get used to it; some do because they have no family to answer to, and they've always wanted to. Whatever it is, their families are usually not involved.

It's different for the workers in the warehouses, the dealers too. They have families, large ones often, that they have to feed and take care of.

One of them Seungcheol knows very well, because his wife was his brother's nanny when he was little. She doesn't work anymore because they have four kids, none college-aged or older. She is a tough woman, who had to do a lot with how his brother saw the world when he was young. So when Seungcheol sees her destroyed expression, he knows it's not good.

"They said he was shot in the spine. If he wakes up, he might never walk again. But he might not. Wake up."

"I'm sorry," Seungcheol tells her, earnest. "We'll help. With whatever you and the kids need. Don't hesitate to tell us."

"Thank you, Mr. Choi."

She always used to call him a good kid, unlike his brother, who wrecked havoc everywhere he went for a while. But now he's Mr. Choi. Because he is.

It doesn't look better for the other person from the other warehouse, who was also shot through the stomach. Seungcheol doesn't get it. The security people at the warehouses always have to wear bulletproof vests, and he always recommends for the people who work there during daily or other transfers to do the same. So either they didn't, or something else happened. Probably the former. Seungcheol needs to implement better safety measures.

When dealing drugs. Goddamn.

Most of the girls are gone by the time Jeonghan and he get there, except one that they catch when she leaves. Seungcheol goes to apologize in person, make sure she is alright and has somewhere to stay and who to take her home, and Jaehwa is gone too, to talk to the housemasters.

And then the things he needed to do are done, and it's 6 AM, and he's exhausted.

"Can we go back to your place? I want to sleep before we're meeting with mom and dad at lunch."

"Yeah," Jeonghan nods. "Let's go."

\---

"So what do we need to do?" Jihoon asks Jisoo, lounging on his couch.

"Basically, the app also functions as a news/emergency alert thing. Whenever something happens, we have a "press team" that puts out a statement, informing people what happened. It's usually to keep them calm, or give them instructions, or whatever. So we need to say it now, but we need to make sure we frame it as an isolated incident, so we don't raise panic. These things happen fairly regularly, and they don't need to be aware it's part of a larger issue."

"Okay. I get it. But to be honest, aren't people unsettled already?"

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying it might be worse to treat this lightly than tell the truth, right?" Jihoon asks. "Like... think about it. I'm sure the gossip cycle ran quick and everybody knows Seungcheol's stepmother is gone. Of course they know something is wrong, so if you say these five places were attacked without context, they will know it's bullshit."

"I don't necessarily know. This is how everything was always done. Keep them calm, and then when it really is an issue, let them know."

"Doesn't that mean they won't be prepared?"

"But then what if it doesn't escalate into an issue, and you created unnecessary panic? The regime needs stability above all."

"But you _know_ it is an issue. And it will be an issue. Even if it is not that big of an issue, the attacks are likely not over now. Tell them so they are prepared. You know, you always tell me I am the change people need, but you know you can do that too. It doesn't all have to be like you got used to it or like you learned it."

Truthfully, Jihoon would never talk to Jisoo like that. But he's exhausted and slightly annoyed at all of this, so screw politeness, or whatever. He considers himself close to Jisoo now.

"Fine. Let's find a middle ground then and let them know subtly it might be time to be more careful."

"Sounds good," Jihoon nods, and they call the press team. They answer even though it's around 5 AM, which is understandable. Crime doesn't have any regard for time.

It takes them half an hour to come up with a short statement that is appropriate before releasing it to the family. Jisoo introduces Jihoon to them too, tells them he'll also reach out in case he needs to, and by the time they're done, Jihoon is almost mentally exhausted.

But then Jisoo reminds him they have to call or inform families and the people about insurance and health things, and Jihoon has to do it in his name, as the partner of the head. He texts them, which Jihoon finds strange, but Jisoo assures him it is not, that this is what the app is for. He sends his apologies, and assurances they will help with whatever, they should reach out to Jaehwa for the girls or Jeonghan's mother for the people in the warehouse, and Jihoon too if they need it, and then they ensure that costs in hospitals are covered via their finance teams. Jihoon has found out more about the people around Seungcheol tonight more than ever.

Nothing gets run by itself: there are financial teams, and press teams, and image teams, and security teams, and strategy teams, and counselors, and people everywhere. Jihoon's met only a few of them, started to know more, but it's a lot. Jihoon thinks not even Seungcheol knows them all.

It's almost right after they're done, Jihoon chatting with Jisoo about things that the door opens, and Seungcheol and Jeonghan walk in.

"Hi. You're still here?" Seungcheol asks, bending down over the couch to give him a kiss hello.

"Yeah. We just finished, we were talking. How's everything?"

"Not good," Jeonghan shakes his head, sitting down next to Jisoo. "I mean, some things are alright, some people aren't. But it's just the start."

"We'll be able to control it," Seungcheol shouts from the kitchen, coming back with a glass of water. "It will be fine," he says, convinced.

"What's up with you now?" Jeonghan lifts his eyebrow, looks at him.

"I don't know. We've been through worse than this. This family has. After the Park Chung-hee era, when they all killed each other, it was worse, and yet we got even stronger. It will be fine."

"If you say so," Jeonghan shrugs. Jihoon looks at him for a little bit, sees the drop in his shoulders, his tired eyes. He seems to be taking it harder than Seungcheol.

"Do you mind if we crash here? I don't want to go back for just a couple of hours," Seungcheol asks, and Jeonghan nods.

"Yeah. Take the upstairs guest bedroom. The sun won't bother you. Let's go, see you all at 11," Jeonghan gets up, pulling Jisoo with him, so Jihoon goes to Seungcheol.

"Quick shower, then sleep?" Seungcheol asks, brushing a hand over Jihoon's side.

"Yeah," he nods. Jihoon's used to days of no sleep, especially after he's slept for so long on the island, but Seungcheol looks exhausted, so he follows him to the room.

When they're in bed, Seungcheol on his back and Jihoon cuddling on his side, Jihoon just watches him. His fingers are drawing random patterns on Jihoon's arm, his eyes to the ceiling. He's thinking hard, clearly mulling over something.

"Hey," Jihoon nudges him with his chin.

"Hmm," Seungcheol almost startles, turns to him. "What's up?"

"Sleep now."

"Oh, yeah. Okay."

He turns the lamp off, pulls the covers more over them, and Jihoon settles deeper into his side, tries to fall asleep.

\---

When he comes to himself, it takes Jihoon a while to realize there's nobody next to him, and he's holding on to a pillow that smells like Seungcheol.

When he moves, something falls from the bed. A note.

_'Hi, baby. I had to go meet with our parents earlier, but Jisoo is still here. I'll text you when it's done. Love you.'_

Jihoon stretches his arms over his head, goes to the bathroom and washes up. Goes down, and the smell of cigarettes hits him. That means Jeonghan and Seungcheol must be back.

But when he goes down, it's not them. Jisoo's smoking. Jihoon's never seen him smoke.

"What's up?" Jihoon asks, startles him.

"Two shootings just outside of Seoul a few minutes ago, in quick succession. Three people dead, two injured. Worked with some businesses of ours. A woman injured too, passerby, was with her child."

_Fuck._

"Jeonghan and Seungcheol are still in their meeting, and it can't hit the press. Gotta fix it soon."

"Pass me one of those," Jihoon sighs, drops down next to him. "Called the head of our press team? Seungcheol usually uses him to make sure nothing goes out, right," he starts.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I am genuinely so thrilled there are so many people here who are still looking forward to updates, so thank you, really, for making my days and my weeks so great with your thoughts and comments! DM me anytime to rant!
> 
> Since I'm starting summer work this week, I won't have that much time to write during the week as until now, unfortunately, especially for the kind of content I will be writing from now on, this kind of angsty, draining, dreary stuff. So I'll probably be pushing updates to Sunday so I have time to write and edit properly. I'll also probably be going back to more reasonable chapters (6-7k words), unless it's a week where I have a lot of stuff already, which I might for a while, so I don't overwhelm myself or you with content. Thank you loves for reading, and I'm excited to see what you think! <3


	12. feel like a brand new person / but you make the same old mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this has taken me two weeks to do... I hit a tad of a writer's block and I'm still not happy with this because I tried to write this differently, shorter scenes and more choppy, quick writing to match what's happening, but... I might also come back to re-edit, so yeah. 
> 
> This chapter is also... not easy. Infidelity, violence, heavy, really heavy mentions of death, just... things aren't good. Please skip it if you don't want to read it and I can tell you what happens, largely and without details.
> 
> But I think it's about time I talk about this story too. This story, for me, is the time to delve into things I've never really thought I'd ever write. Things that I don't think exist, but that could. To write about weird, dark things, emotions and mistakes, breaking and putting things back together in a way that I think is too much for the real world. It doesn't really make me happy, and I think that's why I have such a hard time writing it now, when it's gotten to where I've thought of getting it for a while. But for me, it's not really meant to make me happy.
> 
> That being said, I know how much I can deal with because I'm writing it, but I don't know how much you can all deal with. That also being said, I just really hope that you stop reading this if you ever feel like it's pushing it, and I hope you all also talk to me about it even if it's too much or not, if you ever want to. Anyway... I know I say thank you a lot, but I feel like fanfics are meant to take you through a journey, be it happy or not, and I feel like I'm taking you on a journey that you're letting me take you through even though it's not easy, so thank you. Really. I appreciate and respect all of you so much, those of you who I know and who I don't. 
> 
> Also, chapter title is taken from [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgeAxcbNo1c) because half of the views on there are mine. Please listen to it while you read.
> 
> Thank you so much for being so patient!

"What the fuck happened?" Seungcheol storms the apartment, Jeonghan hot on his tail, looking as distressed.

"Two shootings outside of Seoul," Jihoon explains, since Jisoo's on the phone. "5 people were hit, all ours. 3 people died right there, two were injured. They both died, one in the ambulance, one in the middle of surgery. There was also a passerby who was shot, a woman, but her arm was only grazed, so she's fine. We paid her hospital bill," he explains. "I'm sorry."

"Fuck," Jeonghan throws, and Jihoon watches Seungcheol clench his fist, grind his teeth.

"What were they?" He asks, his tone cold. Jihoon looks on his laptop, checks again.

"Two of them were drug dealers. Three I think were security? For this guy, the CEO of one of our companies. He was in the building, there was no one around. They were shot in their car."

"So they knew where they were. But still... a fucking passerby? This is ridiculous," Jeonghan throws, lounging down on the sofa, rubbing his forehead with his hand. "I'm reconsidering what mom and dad told us. I wanna find them."

"Yeah," Seungcheol snorts, pulls his cigarettes to sit on the floor, light one up. "I'm not sure it's a good idea."

"What did they tell you?" Jisoo asks, ending his call.

"They told us we should stay put. That this is indeed Mi-eun's plan, but the Gyeongsang-do family won't indulge her for too long. We should wait to find out what they want, until they reach out to us. Like a ransom case. They said giving them too much attention will only empower them."

"Sounds smart," Jihoon nods.

"It is smart. Just feels bad," Jeonghan says.

"Why?"

"We'll... have to essentially watch people die, you know? Until they decide they've made their point."

The heavy silence falls over them, Seungcheol playing with Jihoon's empty coffee cup on the coffee table, Jihoon looking on Jisoo's laptop for more details. He had sent the messages Jisoo instructed him, to the families, and is waiting for their responses.

"Fuck," Seungcheol throws all of a sudden, slams the cup on the table. "I hate this."

Jihoon knows how he feels. He must feel so terrible. This is his family, these are his people, so just waiting...

"What's your plan?" Jeonghan raises his head, looks at Seungcheol. Immediately gets it.

"We're meeting with them."

Jihoon's eyes widen. "How is that a good idea?"

"What purpose is just waiting around? They can keep going for as long as they want. I can't watch my people die."

"Let's do it," Jeonghan nods. "Gaeun seemed pretty annoyed about all of this, so let's see what she has to say about it. If she could support us going there with the proper security."

"Yeah. Let's do it," Seungcheol nods, and Jihoon can see Jisoo is as taken aback as him.

"No. Don't do that. Why would you willingly go in their territory?"

"What are they going to do? Assassinate us? I'd like to see them try," Seungcheol snorts, humorless. He's different, angry, fired up. Jihoon sees it in his eyes.

And Jeonghan agreed with him. Very unlikely Jihoon and Jisoo can convince them otherwise now.

\---

"Hey, Jihoon," Jisoo stops him before Jihoon leaves their apartment to go back to the dorm, Seungcheol and Jeonghan gone, so Jihoon turns around. "I wanted to tell you something."

"What is it?" Jihoon turns back to him, asks, watching Jisoo's serious expression.

"I meant it when I say my main role in the family is to pretty much help you, or join you in doing things for the family. And I want to do it," he starts, gets up to face Jihoon, so Jihoon has to look up at him, confused. "So look... the four of us, we're meant to be like a square with its diagonals drawn, you know. We all need to point towards and back from each other. You need to be in this square too, and someone has to look after you as well when you have to look out for Seungcheol. That being said... especially now, there might be things you won't want to or can't tell Seungcheol. Just to talk, about what happens, about yourself, things you do or want... or not just to talk. You can tell them to me. _Whatever_ it is."

Jihoon's eyes widen instinctively at Jisoo's words. He...

"I'll probably have done them before, and I'd have no issue doing them with you. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. Just keep that in mind," Jisoo smiles, brushes a hand over his shoulder, leaving Jihoon stunned silent.

\---

Something breaks inside Jihoon that day, something on the edge of his consciousness. Maybe it's Jisoo's words, maybe it's the heaviness of everything, maybe it's how cold Seungcheol has become all of a sudden, that changes it.

Because Seungcheol is cold. Not cold with Jihoon, but cold like he gets when there's something he needs to solve. Cold like when he gets his mind into it, puts everything he has, ignores everything else, including himself. Only Jihoon, he only remembers Jihoon, but only sometimes, only late at night when they're at his house and Seungcheol pulls Jihoon close to his body, Jihoon taking from his warmth.

Seungcheol told him he'll be bad. Jihoon gets it, because how can he not be? How can he not be, when every day he gets more and more reports of empty or not empty cars being blown up, people being poisoned, shot, stabbed. It's nearing dozens of people killed and injured, and it's not getting easier to handle. Not at all.

Jihoon has started getting questions from desperate people who don't understand what's going on. People who live day to day with the thought they might die tomorrow because of the work they do, with that horrid thought on their minds. That they might not _be_ tomorrow, to see their families, kiss their spouses good night, see their children's faces again.

It's serious. It's so mind-blowingly serious, so horrible, it's not a wild thought anymore, not a horror story inside Jihoon's head. It's serious. People are actually _dying,_ and Jihoon is one of the people who is responsible.

Seungcheol though... Seungcheol is the one who is most responsible. Seungcheol, who spends nights at his desk in the house, at the office, poring over agreements, talking to people, to security, to all his teams, to figure out how to stop it. Who smokes and drinks more than Jihoon has ever seen him do, Jihoon on his couch and him at his desk.

It's in one of these nights, the clock ticking past midnight, that Seungcheol stubs his cigarette, empties his glass of whiskey, and gets up from his desk. Walks over to Jihoon who's on the couch, drops to his knees in front of him, buries his face on the pillow in Jihoon's lap.

He's exhausted. He's been exhausted for days, ever since he didn't get an answer from anyone in Gyeongsang-do. Jihoon runs his hand through his hair, sees Seungcheol's shoulders move up and down, his heavy breaths stifled by the pillow.

He doesn't know what to tell him. Jihoon couldn't say anything, because he's in disarray too. He feels paralyzed, unable to move under the cloud of fear, darkness that seems to be enveloping everything.

Fittingly, it rains in Seoul. It thunders, bolts of lightning close, terrifyingly close, the thunder shaking the windows.

Jihoon wonders if somewhere, in this rain, someone else is dying.

\---

Two days later, it's still raining. Jihoon is in Seungcheol's house, on the comfortable couch, and he feels bad. Terrible for being so comfortable when others are still dying, but Seungcheol called everyone over.

Jeonghan, Jisoo, Jaehwa, Wonwoo, Junhui. Soonyoung is here too, tucked under Wonwoo's arm.

Makes sense, since he's been so involved recently. It's a bit strange, Jihoon has to admit, but Soonyoung seems to help Wonwoo a lot, and he can't complain.

"They said no," Seungcheol says when everyone is gathered, his tone dark. "They said no."

"No to what?"

"To meeting with us," Jeonghan clarifies. "The Gyeongsang-do family refused a meeting."

"What do you mean they refused it?" Jaehwa asks, her eyebrows drawing. "They just flat out said no?"

"Pretty much," Seungcheol clarifies. "They refused the idea that they have any involvement with what's happening currently, said that they did not order any hits on any of our businesses, and that they're not directly helping Mi-eun. That they will inquire whether any of their smaller families are helping her, but if it is, there's not much they can do but talk to them."

"The assholes," Wonwoo throws, leans back on the couch. "Nothing they can do. And they expect you to believe it?"

"No. They don't care if I believe it. They probably didn't actually straight up do the hits, they're hiring people to do it. So they're technically not lying. About shielding Mi-eun too, that is. Park's washing his hands from this."

"So what are we gonna do?" Jihoon asks, fiddling with the edge of the pillow on his lap. "Are you just going to wait then, as they said?"

"I mean, we just pretty much got humiliated by them, you know. Maybe mom and dad were right, we should have waited."

"No," Jeonghan shakes his head. "We shouldn't have. But we're going to wait now for a bit. Take a few steps to make sure we trace who pulled some of the hits, try to tie it back to the Gyeongsang-do family, even if indirectly. And then when we have enough proof, we call upon a larger meeting with all the families to see what we can do, shove it up their asses. They can't say no then."

"Why don't you just attack them back?" Soonyoung asks, all of a sudden. "Give them a warning."

"We can't do that," Seungcheol shakes his head.

"Why?"

"Retaliating means actually starting something."

"But they're not "doing anything," are they? Why would you be retaliating when they're not doing anything and you're doing nothing in return to their nothing?" Soonyoung continues, his tone sharp. "If you're going to wait, you're only going to humiliate yourself even more. Just hit them a little."

"It would start too much. They can intensify their efforts, and it would all go to hell. We're trying to contain it."

"Just think about it," Soonyoung leans back in his armchair. "If you stand back to take blows that are being dealt to you, you'll get weakened enough to drop your defense."

"Maybe," Seungcheol nods. "Maybe."

\---

An hour later, Seungcheol gets a call. He leaves, comes back with the same expression he had before.

"Junhui, I need you to do me a favor."

Except his tone is different.

"When you go back to China, I need you to take some people with you, okay?"

Junhui nods, a bit confused, just like Jihoon. "Yes...? But who?"

"Jihoon, Soonyoung, all of Seventeen. Think you can do that?"

Jihoon's mouth drops. "Stop," he intervenes, sharp, surprised. "What do you think you're doing?"

"You all need to go. Leave. Seriously. It's getting bad, and you shouldn't be here."

"We're not leaving? What..." Soonyoung throws, echoing Jihoon's thoughts.

Jihoon's honestly done. Done with this.

Getting up, he grabs Seungcheol's wrist, drags him to the kitchen, out of earshot.

"What's with you? I've been with you to all the meetings I could so far, I've helped all of you. What's wrong now?"

"It's getting really serious, Jihoon."

"It's been serious until now! Dozens of people have died! What's now?" He asks, crossing his arms.

"They're hitting civilians too. Members of the family. Friends. They're not stopping, Jihoon. I get it, but now it's serious. You really need to leave."

"So you're not done with this bullshit? I thought we were over this. You trying to protect me when I clearly don't need you to, when I need you to let me in."

Seungcheol scoffs. He _scoffs at Jihoon,_ so unlike him, like Jihoon's a _child_ who doesn't understand basic explanations.

"I got it when it happened before, Jihoon. I was bad, you wanted a bigger stake in our relationship and I was wrong not giving it to you. But now it's not about us. Your _life_ is at risk, and I can't take that."

"So yours isn't?" Jihoon throws. "Like not everyone's is?"

"Doesn't matter. We're used to this. We're made to do this."

Jihoon laughs. "So I'm not. Okay. _Now_ I get it."

Seungcheol crosses his own arms, looks at Jihoon.

"Oh. So you're not even going to try to deny it, pretend like it slipped out of your mouth without you even meaning it, so I can storm off and then forgive you later when you decide to apologize?"

"Jihoon... don't be like this. Come on."

"So it's the three of you. Okay. I'm out again. Okay. I really understand," he smiles. "So when it really matters, you're just going to send me off, pack me up with a nice bow and ship me wrapped in bubble wrap to wherever I'm out of your way, not bothering your big, important, _dangerous_ things."

"Hoon-ah..."

"I'm going home, Seungcheol," Jihoon says, tired. "I'm done. Call me when you're back to normal."

\---

There is silence when Soonyoung and he enter the quiet, dark dorm that night, and Jihoon follows Soonyoung to his room. Hansol is not there, probably sleeping with Seungkwan, so Jihoon closes the door behind him. Soonyoung turns to him and Jihoon meets his gaze.

Jihoon knows even from before it happens what will happen. Their lips meet in the middle, not quite initiated by any of them and by them both at the same time. There is some comfort in that not-quite-unlearned feeling of his back pressing against the door and Soonyoung's heavy hands on his hips, crowding him against it.

It's not like he doesn't know what he's doing and then the thought of Seungcheol pops up in his head. He does know. It's just that they Seungcheol and he have an open relationship anyway, right, since Seungcheol said it before, when he said he's fine with him sleeping with Jeonghan, and Seungcheol told him he should do the same. Try it. If he wants it too. It's not like it matters much now too, in light of their conversation tonight.

There is guilt under the anger, the disappointment. But it pales compared to the turmoil inside of him, to what he's been feeling recently. He thinks Seungcheol actually wouldn't care either, if this is something that made Jihoon feel better.

So Jihoon takes Soonyoung to his bed. He doesn't know why Soonyoung's agreeing. Getting away from it all.

One night. It doesn't matter much, in the grand scheme of things. Why would it matter?

Why would it matter that Soonyoung's pressing bruises in his hips, Jihoon's nails digging into his shoulder, almost drawing blood.

Why would it matter that Soonyoung's inside him, his head in Jihoon's neck, his breathing hot on his skin, Jihoon's head arched back, when it's all so fucked up anyway.

Why would it matter that it's _good,_ even if it's so _beyond fucked up_ that it is. That Jihoon comes, and Soonyoung comes inside him too, and kisses Jihoon's sweaty skin, Jihoon's mouth burying in his hair.

If it helps...

Except it doesn't. It doesn't really help. It just breaks down Jihoon's walls, until he's crying in Soonyoung's chest later, and he feels Soonyoung's hand run through his hair.

\---

The text waits for him when he wakes up. When he wakes up, Soonyoung's arms around him, somehow comforting.

_'I'm sorry, Jihoon-ah. I meant what I said, but I realized I shouldn't have said it like that. Come over tonight. Let's talk.'_

\---

"Hi. I have to tell you stuff. A lot of things happened and..." Jihoon takes a good look at Seungcheol walking into the house.

He's exhausted, his eyes are dropping and his speech is quite slurred, even though he's clearly pushing himself to stay awake. Jihoon thinks of how he pushed him to tell him everything, for Jihoon to know it all instead of spending time doing things to relax. He's been doing that for so long these past few months, but that means he hasn't gotten time to actually relax. And now, with all this on his mind, Seungcheol's still been doing the same, filling Jihoon in every day even when he comes home late and Jihoon's there earlier than him, which rarely happens because Jihoon is plenty busy too.

But then Jihoon remembers what Jisoo told him after the inauguration, and so many times since: the company is not Jihoon's priority. Seungcheol is. And he feels _so guilty._

"No. Not right now. Let's just go to sleep."

Jihoon's failed; he's failed in taking care of him and helping him at the moment he needs it most, and as he pulls him by the hand to his bedroom, he bites his lip to will the tears away. Jihoon slept with Soonyoung trying to make himself forget, and never thought of how much Seungcheol needs to forget too.

For the first time ever, Seungcheol is almost asleep earlier than him. So Jihoon looks at him, at the wrinkles between his eyes, at the furrow of his brow even when his eyes are closed and he's almost asleep.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, his throat tightening up like he'll cry. "I love you."

Seungcheol shifts, tightens the hand around Jihoon's waist. "Love you too," he murmurs, rough.

Jihoon feels _so guilty,_ but he promises himself he'll do better. He has to do better. For Seungcheol. For everyone else.

Not for himself. Not right now.

He thinks Seungcheol's asleep when Jihoon runs a hand over his arm, light. But then his eyes open, look straight into Jihoon's. Jihoon's heart chokes up.

"Marry me."

_What?_

"Marry me," Seungcheol repeats, like Jihoon didn't hear the first time. _What is he saying._

"I... We can't, Seungcheol, what are you..."

"Okay then," Seungcheol nods. "I get it." Closes his eyes.

This... this has been the weirdest conversation of Jihoon's life.

"No, Cheol. Wake up." He shakes his shoulder. "I..."

It's sitting on the tip of his tongue. His insecurities, his mistakes, that the stitches on the cut that they patched up before, tried to heal, have been pulled on, scratched at, ripped open, and blood is flowing out of Jihoon. All so sudden it didn't even have time to hurt, and really all of a sudden, Jihoon's gotten whiplash, not even sure where he fell, what happened, what went wrong. It's just  _so wrong._  

"I love you. But we can't do that. You're not asking me because you want to. You're asking me because you're going through all of this, and you're... unsure."

" _We're_ going through all of this. But I never do anything irrationally, Jihoon. I always do things because I want to do them. I'm not asking you to marry me because I'm unsure, but because I have been fucking it up royally with you and I want you next to me like that. I don't want to forget what really matters. But I get it. I get it. It's sudden, and it's dumb." Seungcheol's tone is cold. Disappointed. He opened himself up in front of Jihoon, one more thing to add when he's already so stressed, and Jihoon's said the completely wrong thing.

"It's not. It's not stupid, and it's not dumb. It's me. I'm wrong. I guess... I just want us, everything, to be fine before... I can even think."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. I'm the one who's sorry," Jihoon whispers, his words choked up. Oh god. He's gonna cry.

"It's fine," Seungcheol senses it, pulls him into him. Wraps a hand around his waist. But it's not comforting, not like before.

Jihoon closes his eyes, breathes in. It's fine. It's fine.

\---

When Jihoon wakes up, he's alone. Seungcheol's bed is big and empty, and Jihoon lounges on his back, wondering what should he even do today. Seungcheol didn't tell him about any meetings or things to help with these past few days, and going into the studio feels just wrong. He hasn't been able to focus much on music anyway lately. Thank god they just finished a comeback.

When he turns on his side, he sees a little note on Seungcheol's pillow. Seungcheol's started leaving those for him instead of messages, and it's a little thing Jihoon appreciates, in the sea of everything else.

_'Good morning, baby. I hope you slept well. I woke up earlier because I have a meeting and a few things to do today, but I'll see you tonight?_

_I love you. - Seungcheol._

_P.S.: I'm sorry. Just know I'll always wait. And I won't forget.'_

Last night's conversation runs in Jihoon's mind. It's not a dream, although it feels like a really bad one. He really screwed it up with Seungcheol, he thinks, fiddles with his bracelet. It feels heavy on his skin, begging for attention.

Whatever. They'll talk tonight, because Jihoon feels like he has a lot of things to come clean about, and a lot of things to clarify between them, and he can take the day to sort the mess in his mind. But he knows they'll be fine, because they always are.

So he gets out of bed with that mindset. He's going to have a good day. Clean his dorm, hang out with his members, maybe write some songs, and then tonight, he'll talk to Seungcheol and then get themselves back together to be able to deal with all the things going wrong. Jihoon doesn't need to add to what Seungcheol's feeling. He needs to take away.

\---

Somewhere past the twentieth family Seungcheol's had to talk to, something in him went numb. There's only so many times you can apologize, bend forward at the waist in front of crying families, promise them you'll take care of them, and feel something.

He just feels numb. Tired. Walking into his office, seeing the mess he left yesterday when he was just too tired to function anymore, it feels even worse.

Seungcheol wishes he could claw out of his skin somehow, fly somewhere and make all of this right, bury all the disgust he feels in his throat. At himself, at what everyone's been telling him.

Most of all, he dreads feeling like maybe he was right in the beginning. That he should have done what he thought, go and fucking shoot Mi-eun, the head of the Gyeongsang-do family, ruin them all, cut the betrayal from its roots. But everyone stopped him.

He knows it's better, dropping down in his chair and looking at all the files on his desk. Otherwise, many more people would die. This is nothing. This is nothing.

It just feels _horrible._

So he pushes on, looking through all the Daegu firms and families that he can maybe tie back to the shots on them, filing up the Busan ones to look through later. Junhui's been helping a lot and so has all of his IT team with making connections and drawing up things when needed, and maybe they have a few things so far to shove up the Gyeongsang-do family's throats when he calls upon the big meeting.

Soon, soon. Seungcheol's patient, like nobody expected of him. He knows they all expected him to completely flip, attack back, raise hell. But Seungcheol's waiting because they never thought he'd be able to do it.

\---

Four hours later, he thinks he's found something else. A sharp drop in assets for a previously very profitable firm who filed for bankruptcy. That usually means someone stole profits, so Seungcheol tells Junhui to find them, see where they went.

And then the crackle of his phone comes through, and the voice of his very frantic secretary.

_"Daepyonim, I'm really sorry, I couldn't stop her, I'll call security..."_

Seungcheol looks at the phone, confused, before his door barges open, and a woman comes through. Seungcheol recognizes her right away. It's Mrs. Kim, who was one of Jeonghan's parents' helpers. Seungcheol will never be able to forget her because it was her who held him back from Jeonghan's body back then, her arms wrapped around him, shushing him while he cried, seeing the paramedics try to save Jeonghan.

He gets chills just thinking about it. That memory, that sight, the flashing lights in the darkness of the beach, all the people around Jeonghan, the murmurs, the stares. The feel of the cold water on Seungcheol's skin, feeling like he was sinking into the sand under his feet.

He feels a little bit like this now. When Mrs. Kim fixes her eyes on him, and they're thunderstorms.

"You promised me. You promised me you'd keep her _safe._ "

"What happened?" Seungcheol asks, closing the files on his desk. Putting them away, letting his eyes take in Mrs. Kim's disheveled appearance, her hard breaths.

"She was with a client and he... He _hurt_ her. Really badly. Had a knife or something, I, I don't know really, something like that." Chills go through Seungcheol. Nobody would dare do that. Ever. "She's in the hospital. She's stable, but... they'll say she'll never be the same again."

Back then, when Mrs. Kim accepted what her daughter was doing, she came to Seungcheol, tears in her eyes. Begged him to look after her, to put her somewhere where she'd be alright, where security would always look after her. With a kind housemaster and a good paycheck and good people so she'd feel alright. To keep her safe.

Seungcheol took her hands in his, looked into her eyes, and swore he would.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Seungcheol," she deflates, sitting in the chair opposite his desk. Security people rush in behind her. Slow. If this was someone really dangerous, he'd already be dead. He waves them away.

"It is. I made a promise, and I didn't keep it. I cannot tell you how sorry I am, and I promise I will do my best to look after her from now on."

"Thank you, Seungcheol. It's just..." She starts, looks into his eyes. "I was talking to the housemaster, during Haneul's surgery. She said... she said it's been happening a lot. That things are happening, and I knew it too. Everybody does. But she also told me you're not doing anything. I know that's not like you, Seungcheol. And as I'm sitting here, I can see that's not like you. What's wrong?"

"I have to wait, Mrs. Kim. I can't do much," he sighs, breaking down just a little bit under her tone. Her daughter's in the hospital, Seungcheol's promise to her irreparably broken, and she's here comforting _him._

"Why do you have to wait? What do you mean you can't do much? Seungcheol, you are the most powerful man in this country. You can do anything you want."

"I can't, Mrs. Kim. Otherwise, I might break something that cannot be fixed."

She sighs.

"Seungcheol, don't you see it's already broken?"

Seungcheol's eyes widen.

"Look, Seungcheol. I won't sit here in front of you and tell you that you don't know how that pain feels like. Because I know that there's no one who knows what pain is more than you and Jeonghan," her voice breaks, just a bit, just enough for the knife to lodge itself in Seungcheol's heart. "That pain, that pain of losing someone, of almost losing someone, of knowing things will always be different... once you feel that pain, there's no going back. Hundreds of people have started feeling that bone-crushing pain for the past while, and will always continue to feel it," she whispers.

Seungcheol swallows, and barely can.

"It's already broken, Seungcheol. You have to do something so that it's not in vain."

Right now... Seungcheol knows Mrs. Kim is not here for herself, nor for her daughter. She's here for _him._

He cries. He doesn't know when was the last time he cried, tears in his eyes, threatening to spill down his cheeks, that knot lodged in his throat. Maybe the last time he cried was that godawful day 15 years ago, when he thought he lost the only thing that mattered to him.

Now, he has so much more to lose. And others do too.

"Mrs. Kim, if you'll excuse me... I think I have a few things to do."

\---

"We're clearing all the houses."

_"Seungcheol-ah..."_

"Now. This needs to happen, we have no other choice. Jaehwa, don't fight me on this. I need them clear so they don't get attacked when I push."

_"Alright. Alright, okay. How are we going to do it?"_

"I'm going to have security people and cars go to each of the houses, protect them while they leave. I'll need you to inform all the housemasters."

_"Where are they going to go?"_

"The ones that can go home should go home to be safe, and stay low. They won't touch them; they just want to touch the houses, and hurt us. The ones that cannot go home, we'll ask the girls who have rented apartments in our Itaewon complex to help host them. If there's not enough room, we'll house them in the apartments in the new building from the complex. Tell them they'll be paid for how much they don't work, and please make sure they always have resources and food and things. I trust you with this. This needs to be done."

_"Okay, okay, Seungcheol-ah. I'll tell them to get ready."_

"Let them know. I'll send you a list of the times we're clearing them, I have to get security people and cars together. Tell them it will probably happen today or tomorrow. I'm going to go to our biggest one today."

_"You're going to go yourself? Seungcheol-ah, that's dangerous!"_

"Nothing will happen, it's alright. I'll be there to help. I can't stay in this office anymore, Jaehwa. It's driving me _insane,_ " he tells her, runs a hand through his hair.

\---

It's been a while since Seungcheol's worn a bulletproof vest. Lately, he's been in his office, cocooned, protected. Of course he was able to wait when he wasn't down here, seeing how bad it is, how scared everyone is. The relief on their faces when they were told they get to go home, somewhere safe. How could Seungcheol even think about waiting?

Helping the girls leave, making sure they get in cars safely, he _gets it._ He gets it, and swears to himself he will _never_ do anything like that again.

When the house is empty, he helps everyone check the rooms, fits the cap more over his eyes, holds his gun tighter. There's a feeling of something in his chest. Something strange, something off. It's because he hasn't been down here for too long, way too long, got used to fancy suits and comfortable chairs.

What a fool. Seungcheol is a fool.

They run through the floors, his boys finding the supply of sex toys and condoms, joking around with them. Seungcheol's glad that something's still funny. It's when one of them is hitting another one with a dildo as a sword, Seungcheol cracking a smile at them, that he hears it.

A gunshot. And then another one. And then a wave of them, muffled, coming from downstairs.

Everyone's running down the stairs before they can even think, Seungcheol following close behind. The gunshots get louder and louder, screams covering them, grunts of pain. Seungcheol runs a bit faster, steel in his heart.

\---

_"Jihoon-ah..."_

Jeonghan's tone makes the blood in Jihoon's veins freeze. _No._

_"Jihoon-ah, you have to come to Severance Hospital. I sent a car for you, where are you?"_

"What happened? Hyung, what happened?" He asks in a shocked whisper.

_"He got shot. He went out to help one of the houses clear and they were ambushed and he got shot."_

"How bad?"

_"I don't know. They won't tell me yet. Just... just come."_

"I'll take a taxi, should be there way..."

_"No. Do not get into anything. I'll send you the license plate and the description, only take that."_

"Do you think they would...?"

_"I don't think. I know they would."_

"Hyung..."

_"Just come, Jihoon-ah. Just come."_


	13. stuck in trauma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know if there's anything I should warn you of, really? It's just... not happy. Discussions of infidelity, and mentions of death, or like, discussions of it? Just brace your hearts.
> 
> Also... I don't know anything about medicine. If there's something like glaringly inaccurate, please tell me!
> 
> Hope you like it. <3

"Who is his emergency contact?"

"Me," Jeonghan responds, squaring up and crossing his arms.

"Are you related or..."

"I said it is me."

The doctor nods albeit hesitantly, looks at Jihoon and Jisoo.

"They will stay," Jeonghan says, and it's clear it's the final decision.

"He was shot twice," the doctor starts. "One through his shoulder, which we will be able to retrieve well, but the other was shot through the side from over where the vest did not have a reinforced part, punctured his lung and grazed his heart. It is... a complicated procedure since blood has entered the lungs and the bullet is also in a very precarious place for the surgery. They are currently starting it, it will take several hours, and we will be having our best doctors on it throughout. It is likely we will have to perform a second surgery as well, I just wanted to let you know before we start. We have contacted our colleagues in the US as well, as per your request. They are on their way."

"What are the chances?" Jeonghan asks. Why did he ask? Jihoon doesn't want to know.

"We cannot tell yet. It depends on how the first surgery goes. I apologize."

Jeonghan breathes in but it's shaky, and when he closes his eyes and looks down, the doctor leaves. Jihoon feels Jisoo's strong grip on his shoulders. If it wasn't there, he'd collapse straight to the white, cold hospital floor, he's sure.

Jeonghan takes a few steps to them, buries his head in Jisoo's other shoulder. Jihoon can't even cry; the shock paralyzes him.

\---

The 25-hour surgery goes well, and even if complications appeared, it will be alright. Or that's what the doctors say. He's stable. Stable. Jihoon hates that word. What does stable mean?

He will be kept in an induced coma for around 72 hours, they tell them, after which they'll reduce the drugs and he should wake up. Except showering in the hospital bathroom, changing into clothes Soonyoung brings him, and forcing himself to eat some food that tastes like cardboard and sits terribly in his stomach, Jihoon doesn't leave.

After 3 days, they do reduce the drugs. He doesn't wake up; they say it might take some days.

After 4 days, Jihoon's mind runs to many far-away places he barely forces himself back from.

After 5 days, he starts to think they might not be that far away.

After 6 days, it's more clear than ever, that there's an issue. It's looming over the clean, stark white hospital room, making it dark, suffocating.

After 7 days, the nurses start to look unsettled. Unsettled in the way that won't show, not like there's an emergency, but like they're trying to hide something.

Jeonghan shouts at the doctor on day 8. Jihoon leaves the room and joins him.

"So you're telling me you checked? And everything should be alright, and yet he's not waking up?" He accuses, his voice shaky. Jihoon grabs his elbow.

"It could happen that sometimes, in certain cases, the effects of the drugs don't wear off. We're currently investigating..."

"Currently investigating means you have no idea what is happening," he says, accusatory, his tone rising until he's shouting, and nurses on the private floor start to look. "We brought the best doctors from Korea and the US for him, and nobody has an idea what is happening?"

"As I said before, there is the possibility of this happening, and we're doing our best...."

"Your best is not good enough. I don't think you understand," Jeonghan calms down, but there's poison in his voice that raises goosebumps on Jihoon's neck. "You better do twice your best and more, until he wakes up and is alright. We don't pay you to do your best, we pay you to make sure he lives. Otherwise, there will be consequences you _cannot even imagine._ Do you get it now?"

Jihoon's never seen him like this, but then again, if he could talk from Jeonghan's position, he's sure he would say the same thing. The doctor nods, a bit fearful, clearly, and leaves. Jeonghan deflates slightly in Jihoon's grip, even though his hands are still gripped into fists. When he releases them, his nails leave angry red indentations in his hands.

They go back into the hospital room, sitting down on the couch.

“Will he be okay?”

“He has to be,” Jeonghan responds, his eyes on Seungcheol lying unconscious on the hospital bed.

“What if he won’t?”

“Do you want to know the answer?”

Jihoon takes a second, wills the shiver away, and nods.

“If he won’t, we’re all pretty much dead,” Jeonghan answers, a declaration in his eyes firing into Jihoon's. “And probably this country along with us.”

Goosebumps raise along the back of Jihoon’s neck, like danger’s waiting around the corner. He knew it, but now he can almost feel it. It's palpable, the darkness that's waiting for its turn to pounce.

“What happens if...?” He doesn’t have to fill in the rest. “Can you tell me? I just... want to know.”

Jeonghan sighs.

“In a while, if he doesn’t wake up, the board of directors and everybody with influence will push his dad to find Seungcheol’s brother. He’s in the US and they think we don’t know where he is, but you know we do. Seungcheol’s brother never really wanted to give up the company, as you also know, he was more forced out by Seungcheol and then his father, when it was clear to them he wasn’t fit for it. So he’ll probably want to return, if nothing has changed in the past 11 years or so. Which might not be true.”

“And it will be okay?” Jihoon thinks of... everything that might happen. In a way, he misses the times when he was oblivious of the underground of who rules and makes decisions in Korea. But now that he knows... he worries for all the people who will be affected too.

“The key to why the company was alright and expanded so far until now was stability. There are some merits to knowing who will take over next, having that very clear. When Seungcheol chose to push out his brother, he knew that it might be something that could bite him in the ass later. He should have just...” Jeonghan huffs, tilts his head. “The idiot should have been even more careful because way more is riding on him than usual.”

“So you don’t like the idea of his brother coming back? Temporarily, even?"

“No. His father doesn’t, and most of the company doesn’t either. But bloodline is important, so for some of them... it’s just so important they can’t see past it and judge why, see when it’s better or not, the idiots. It’s just black or white for them.” He snorts and turns to look at him. “Jihoon, truthfully, if they push to get his brother at the head of the company... I will push back. Me, Jisoo, Jaehwa, Junhui, Wonwoo, we will all push back. And I will make it so that I take over temporarily, until Seungcheol comes back,” Jeonghan looks at him. Jihoon shivers. He’s long learned to not underestimate Jeonghan and Jisoo, but because of Jeonghan’s kind of laidback attitude, he sometimes forgets the kind of world he was raised in. If Seungcheol is outwardly threatening, the kind of person you will never dare to lay a hand on, Jeonghan’s power is more subdued, calm, the kind that will have you dead before you can even figure out what is happening. Part of the reason everything works so well is because of their balance, Jihoon knows.

“Let’s hope it never comes to getting his brother back, and he wakes up before I have to push. And you don’t owe me or any of us anything, but if it does come down to that, we’d love your help.”

Jihoon nods, and there's no doubt in his mind he will.

"I... I'll help you. But... what's happening now? Is there something I can help with now? What's going on with all the houses and the people? The attacks?"

"They stopped, for now. They retreated."

"They did? Why?"

"Seriously injuring or killing the head is the worst thing they can do, even if it is a mistake. It means war. Outright war, per their agreement. This is why there is a second-in-command, so that this can be followed through if it happens. So far, we never put all our resources up because we did not want to, we wanted to keep this contained and have the least number of people get hurt if we could settle this in any other way, you know. And they know that too. But if Seungcheol dies or gets worse... we have to declare war, and of course they don't want us to, since it could mean tragedy when we put up all we have. I told all the heads what happened, and everything stopped, so it's clear it's them; they won't do anything until he's awake though. So this is our time to move and settle our alliances, so when he wakes up, we can cut this bullshit."

"But... does it matter? If they take over, why does it matter if he's dead or not, if you declare war? Shouldn't they push now?"

"They didn't want to take over, Jihoon-ah. They never could entirely take over. Taking over is such a difficult concept that nobody could even try to imagine it. We knew, and they knew."

"So what did they want?" Jihoon asks, surprised. He thought that was their goal, to take over. He thinks... it sounds logical. Mi-eun's goal... wouldn't that be it too?

"If Seungcheol wasn't hurt, he would've negotiated concessions. Even at the point they started, they knew none of these families will ever go away, and none will be taken over. They would always exist, even if there are internal or external conflicts. The balance they have between each other is thought to be more or less unbreakable. But sometimes there are things that they want, or territories, or want to make a point, and will push a little for those negotiations," he sighs, tucking his knee up to his chest. "But they went too far. Further than anybody knows what will happen, further than I think anybody ever went since maybe the 50s or 60s, when Korea was a mess."

"You said that if he dies... war will come out. And we will all die then. Has this never happened before? What should happen? What will happen?" Jihoon starts.

"Nobody ever succeeded with killing a head in the entire history of these families, even if the provision is in the agreement. So I don't know either, even if I'm supposed to be here and declare war. I don't know what will happen, if both of them will collapse if war starts, if others will take over, if other families will intervene and who would they help. I don't know."

"So you're putting your faith in him waking up, pretty much."

"Yeah. He has to, Jihoon-ah. He has to," Jeonghan looks at Seungcheol on the hospital bed, nods, his expression drawn.

Jihoon bites his lip in his mouth, looks at Seungcheol as well. It's unsettling as always, anxiety having already made itself at home in Jihoon's chest.

"You know... It's the anniversary of his mother's death today."

"It is?"

"Yeah. It is."

"Fuck."

"Yeah," Jeonghan nods. "Do you want to come with me?"

"Where?"

"To her grave. To put flowers there. Seungcheol always does it. But since, well... he can't, maybe we can do it for him this year."

Jihoon feels tears well up in his eyes.

"Yeah," he chokes out. "I'll come."

\---

Jeonghan knows the way to the tomb, it seems. He's sure in front of Jihoon, leads the way. Jihoon's here and not here, too conflicted for this place where everything feels at peace despite what it means.

It's maybe because the sheer thought of... bringing Seungcheol here is more real than ever.

It runs through his head, how it would go. His mind has to be sadistic, because he can see it no matter how much he tries to will the thought away. The funeral proceedings, the mass of people that would come. Picking a place, maybe under a tree, so it's peaceful to come and see, and everyone knows those are the best places in a cemetery, under trees, so their loved ones can go back and... talk to them.

To no one in reality, because Jihoon that after death comes nothingness. To their memory, to what they used to be.

He starts crying before he can even realize it. Silent tears streaming down his face, sobs lodged in his throat. Jihoon's never cried more than he has these past few days.

Before soon though, Jeonghan stops, lays the flowers down on a grave. Jihoon does the same, swallows his tears. It takes him a while to tell the name on the stone tomb because it's in Japanese, but when he does, he stops just to say it in his head.

_Minazaki Hina._

It's so strange, to think that's Seungcheol's mother. It's really unsettling, somewhere, to piece that together, for some reason. She's... here.

Dead. Because of things, forces beyond her, people that she couldn't stop, that her husband couldn't stop. How would Jihoon be able to stop something happening to Seungcheol?

Jeonghan looks as unsettled as him. Jihoon grabs his elbow, in what has become their wordless show of support.

"Jihoon-ah..." Jeonghan says, decided.

Jihoon thinks he knows what he means. It won't happen. They'll make it so that it doesn't.

"Yeah."

Jihoon doesn't believe in gods, or heaven, or angels. But as they turn around to head back, he thinks about Seungcheol's mother.

If she's somewhere there, somewhere up or down, or around, maybe she'll watch over her son. Help him.

\---

That night, he stays over. Jeonghan’s gone home to get some sleep and deal with some urgent things at Jihoon's pushing, but Jihoon stays because right now, he can’t imagine going home.

So he drops in the armchair right next to Seungcheol’s bed, and looks at him. It’s as unnerving as always to see him asleep. Seungcheol always woke up earlier than him, so Jihoon would never see him sleeping.

So much has changed that... Jihoon can’t quite make sense of what his life is and where he wants it to be now. He needs Seungcheol, as much as he never wanted to admit he might _need_ someone in his life. He needs him to make not only his, but everyone’s life right again.

“I... I’ll marry you. Is that why you’re not waking up, you idiot? Because I didn’t say anything then? I will. I will say yes if you get up and really propose to me.”

But because they’re not in a drama, this is real life, Seungcheol doesn’t wake up to Jihoon’s tears. Jihoon tucks his knees to his chest and keeps waiting.

\---

He falls asleep in the armchair, uncomfortable. During the night, he wakes up countless times, eventually moving to the couch that became a makeshift bed a few days in.

When he wakes up and the sun is shining in the room, the first thing he sees is Seungcheol's face. He's still sleeping and he doesn't look peaceful or anything, just is... He's asleep, and it doesn't feel permanent. Jihoon isn't and will never entertain the thought of him dying, just because it won't happen. It can't happen. He's just waiting, waiting to come back, and it's taking a while, but he will. Jihoon knows.

He might be crazy, but he knows.

But nobody gave Jihoon the right to wait while Seungcheol is not okay, knowing there are so many things on the line. When he wakes up, Seungcheol will want to see progress, not people who have cried at his bedside for days. Jihoon doesn't want to do it either. Can't bear thinking about it anymore. So he wipes his eyes, and calls Jeonghan.

"I'll help. What can I help with? We should set this up before they call his brother."

_"Thank you, Jihoon-ah. Just... I realized... I don't want to burden you. You probably want to be with Seungcheol and helping me means..."_

"You're burdening me? Is this what you think?"

_"I mean, I..."_

"I am a part of this family too, right? It's not a burden. It's my duty. I want to do it," Jihoon grits out, swallowing. Whatever. Whatever is needed for a semblance of normalcy to still be kept.

_"Okay, Jihoon-ah. We'll do it. We'll keep this afloat until he wakes up."_

\---

Junhui sits down across from him at the kitchen table, Wonwoo and Soonyoung having left already. They all, including Jeonghan and Jisoo, more or less moved in since Seungcheol has been in the hospital, so they can more easily take turns being with Seungcheol, and even if sometimes he can't bear to have people around him, _especially Wonwoo,_ he's grateful they keep him sane.

"I should teach you more about technology, and how the house works. So that if something happens, if someone tries to get in... you know."

Jihoon nods, throws his almost uneaten breakfast in the trash and the plate in the sink.

So they go into Seungcheol's office, where Jihoon never was by himself, not without Seungcheol. Junhui fires up his computers, and Jihoon pays attention for what seems like hours, learning everything he should know about security systems, cameras, staff, monitoring. He knows that somewhere hid in this office there are the most important documents of the family, but he doesn't know where. He wonders if anyone does know besides Seungcheol.

When Junhui is done, he leaves him alone, and Jihoon sits in Seungcheol's chair. He looks around, at the cigarette stubs in the ashtray, at the view from outside of the window, at the documents thrown on Seungcheol's desk. Numbers stare at him back, and Jihoon picks up one of the documents.

It seems to be the financial report for a firm. The address is in Daegu, and Jihoon scans his eyes over it, wonders if it says something. If it's one of Seungcheol's firms since it is in Daegu, if it's one of the enemies' firms. If Seungcheol tried to break it down or make it work. If he tried to identify a weakness to piece it together or further bring it to ruin.

There are many on his desk, strewn around. They all seem to be from Daegu. Jihoon wonders what Seungcheol thought when sitting here the day before he went to help that damned house. Why he left knowing there would be a high chance he got hurt or worse, what thought made him tip over the edge and tell himself he can't go on like that anymore.

If he thought he was a terrible leader. If he felt guilty, horrible, haunted, _responsible._ If he knew he could die, or didn't think about it. If he thought himself invincible.

Jihoon throws the document back on the desk and tips back, leans in the chair, closes his eyes. What does he do? How does he lead? How does he lead for Seungcheol?

\---

Even from further away, while doing laundry because he doesn't have anything to do and he needs a break even if his members are here, Jihoon can hear his phone vibrate. His mind is always attached to it anyway, always aware, always waiting for news, whatever it might be. So he leaves the laundry and goes to answer it.

The caller ID says Jeonghan, and Jihoon immediately dreads to open it. He's gotten trauma from seeing Jeonghan's name on his screen a little bit. Jeonghan only calls him instead of texting him when it's trouble or it's urgent.

 _"Hi, Jihoon-ah."_ He doesn't sound good, but it doesn't seem to be an emergency.

"Hello, hyung. Wait a second, please." He asks and walks to the bathroom under the confused glances of his members. When he closes the door and sits down on the floor, he braces himself. "What's up?"

 _"They said they have to perform a second surgery, since they can't wait anymore. They intended it like that, and they have to do it even if he's still in a coma_. _"_

"Do they have to put him under again?"

_"Yes."_

"Won't that make things worse? If the reason he's not waking up is that they put him under, and they're doing it again..."

_"I know. But they said they can't wait anymore, otherwise there might be even more complications."_

Jihoon puts his head in his palm, rubs his forehead. He doesn't know. _He doesn't know._

_"Can you come over? Jisoo finally left to the US for his mother, and I don't want to be alone here."_

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be there in a bit," he says in a low tone, his voice cracking. Bad things always come in pairs.

_"I'll send a car."_

\---

Jihoon finds Jeonghan in the private hall of the hospital, sitting outside of Seungcheol's door on the floor, his knees tucked to his chest. Silently, he joins him, his shoulder pressing against his in comfort.

"Is Jisoo's mother okay?"

"Yes, she will be okay. She just fell and broke her leg and arm. Jisoo went to support her for a bit. I wanted to go too because I am very close to her, but..."

"Don't feel guilty. I'm sure he understands, and she does too."

"Yeah," Jeonghan's voice cracks.

Jihoon realizes Jeonghan's had to be so strong over the past few weeks and he was, that he's never had the time to break down. So he wraps a hand around his shoulders, telling him wordlessly it's fine to. Jeonghan turns his head in Jihoon's shoulder, and Jihoon can feel him cry, the tears silently wetting Jihoon's shirt. Tears well up in Jihoon's eyes as well, because he knows how he feels.

Useless. Desperate. A bit hopeless, and a bit angry too.

When Seungcheol wakes up, Jihoon is going to kill him first, that's for sure, for putting himself and them through that.

In his mind he says when, and then his traitorous subconscious says if. If Seungcheol wakes up...

\---

The 10-hour surgery goes well. That's what they say, _again._ Jihoon loathes hearing that because it clearly is _not well._

"Jihoon... We need to start soon. We can't wait anymore," Jeonghan says, Seungcheol's hand in his. They told them to do that. To talk to Seungcheol too, anchor him into something in reality. Jeonghan and he have done work here more than anywhere else, even in the house, so maybe talking about the company or something will help wake Seungcheol up.

From the other side, Jihoon nods.

"I know. I talked to Soonyoung, we'll send everyone away tonight with Junhui. It's all good on my part."

\---

"Go." Jihoon stares at his members, gathered in the living room of Seungcheol's house.

"Why?"

"Just do it. Seriously. You don't know how bad it can be. Just go for a few weeks, it will be okay by then," Soonyoung joins him in saying from the armchair, his voice as flat and convincing as Jihoon's.

"So we're supposed to leave you here?" Mingyu asks, taken aback.

"Yes. Because we have to stay, but you being here means more people we have to think of. Seriously, you don't need to be martyrs now. If this gets tied back to the group, it could be terrible," Soonyoung says. Jihoon's been worried about this for so long, he just wants them to go.

"Listen to me," Jihoon speaks up, his tone rising. "You're not helping by being here. They could target anyone who is connected to the main members of the family, and that means you. You being here is making us two go crazy, and I can't live with the fear of somebody calling and saying something happened to you. I can't fully do anything because of it. Just go," he snaps, his voice angry despite his words. Why don't they just get it?

They look hurt, but Jihoon will take their feelings being hurt over them being actually hurt. That can be fixed, once Jihoon can think about anything else but what is waiting for him back at Seungcheol's house; anything else but the disaster that's waiting for them.

They go, though. Junhui will make sure they're taken care of and kept safe in his house. He extends the offer to Jihoon and Soonyoung too, saying they can work from there.

They both wouldn't dream of it. Jihoon can't be anywhere else because of meetings and for Jeonghan, and he knows Wonwoo wants Soonyoung in his sight all the time. Jihoon thinks it's not Wonwoo wanting him in his sight; it's the compromise they reached because Soonyoung wanted to stay. And he feels even guiltier.

\---

The next day, Wonwoo corners him in the living room, when Jihoon's looking through things Jeonghan sent him. Jihoon suddenly can't focus anymore.

He slams the laptop shut, goes to get up and move to Seungcheol's office. At least he doesn't have to see Wonwoo there.

"No. You stay," Wonwoo tells him, sharp. Jihoon thinks he and Wonwoo have never had a normal conversation.

He ignores him, tries to not meet his eyes, push past him. Maybe if he seems angry with him, maybe Wonwoo won't ask questions.

It doesn't work. Wonwoo grabs him by the elbow, turns him around.

"You think you slept with my boyfriend and I didn't know, Jihoon? That's it? That's why you're feeling guilty?"

Jihoon's jaw drops. _What?_

"Soonyoung and I are fine, Jihoon," Wonwoo chuckles, humorless. " _Oh._ You think _Seungcheol_ didn't know either? Something that mundane? Think twice."

_What?_

"You might find that you've missed a couple of steps, and you're underestimating us, Jihoon. Your best friend too. So stop feeling guilty and focus on what you have to do."

Before Jihoon can get his mind back together, process what he just thinks he's heard Wonwoo's gone.

What?

\---

He can't take that. He can't take it. No.

So Jihoon corners Wonwoo this time, a few hours later. He's spent the past hours only thinking about going to Soonyoung, and then realized he doesn't want to. He can't.

“Soonyoung wouldn't tell me. Why he did it. So you tell me, why does he know? Why do you know?”

Wonwoo looks at him, fixes his eyes on him.

“Seungcheol asked him. To prove to yourself and him that you’re not really committed. And it worked.”

Jihoon’s teeth grit. Dread crawls over him, tingles at his skin. So he was right. It _was_ a test.

“What do you mean?”

“He knew it was too much for you. All of it. He asked Soonyoung so he could to take you out of everything, get you back to the group and your life.”

“I’m not committed because he’s not letting me be committed! Every time I feel like something’s going okay, he just does something that just makes me... ah,” he groans. “Something like this! That pushes me away. Of course I can’t fucking get committed.”

“I think you underestimate how much Seungcheol loves you, Jihoon. And you overestimate how much you do. Shitty things happen all the time, Jihoon, in this family. You can’t feel pushed away once and then just go sleep with somebody else, no matter what relationship you have. That’s not how it works. Seungcheol just wanted to show it to you now so that you can think about it and fix it. If you have what to fix.”

Jihoon closes his mouth, grits his teeth again. He’s right. He didn’t know if Seungcheol actually did sleep with Jeonghan after Jihoon told him he’s okay with it. He didn’t do that, no matter how much Jihoon agonized over it.

And then _Jihoon_ did it. Jihoon betrayed him at the worst possible time. Even if... it wouldn't have mattered at any other time maybe, there are times when things can't just pass through. When people are stressed or bothered about something, they overthink all of it, and nothing really goes away. Jihoon underestimated Seungcheol's own insecurities.

“Seungcheol knew he’s not enough for you. Think about that, Jihoon. You asked all these things of him, him to let you in, tell you things, he gives you all of him, and even if he fucks up, says things weirdly sometimes, he does give everything to you. And then it’s not enough for you, and you don’t even try to understand. You’re paralyzed by what is going on around that you get too overwhelmed to even think about Seungcheol, and the smallest thing from him, the smallest rejection, pushes you to someone else. Think how much that fucking hurts. It broke my own heart when he asked me if I was okay with it, Jihoon.”

Jihoon chokes up just thinking about it... When he tries to get it, see it like he did... Seungcheol had to go through all of that, and on top of everything else, this. Jihoon didn’t help, he only did harm, and he didn’t even know it. He didn’t even _know it._

“But it is enough. It is enough for me,” he whispers, but it sounds fake even to his own ears.

“It’s not. You’re struggling, Jihoon. Maybe now that he’s not around, maybe this is the time to figure out what you want. And when he wakes up, maybe think about changing your terms. Or being honest. Whatever you need.”

Wonwoo leaves, goes up the stairs to his own room. Jihoon collapses on the couch.

He doesn’t even know where it started. Where it went wrong the first time, that everything fell apart like that. He’s confused, like a wall that seemed so sturdy broke down in front of his eyes and he can’t even pinpoint the reason why. Was it built wrong?

And he feels betrayed too. He feels played with as well, by everyone around, from Seungcheol to Soonyoung, Wonwoo, and Jisoo. Like he doesn’t have control over who he is, his emotions and his relationships.

Jihoon won’t leave. He’s in this too much to leave, and Jeonghan needs him now. He just needs to get control back, and show Seungcheol that he’s committed. That mistakes are thoughtless mistakes, and they don’t define a relationship. That mistakes don’t necessarily mean the foundation is broken, but they just need to talk. Set things clear.

When he wakes up. When he wakes up...

If he wakes up. If Seungcheol does.

\---

“What’s wrong?” Jeonghan asks him that evening, tilting his head to look at him.

“Nothing.”

“Jihoon-ah. What’s wrong?” Jeonghan rolls his eyes, but he's not annoyed.

“Let me tell you a story, hyung, and you tell me what’s wrong, alright?” Jihoon snaps up at him, his control over. “Your boyfriend propositions me all of a sudden, says there are things I might not want to tell Seungcheol, and he can do whatever I need with me. Like if Seungcheol has you, I should have him, like we’re... this... Did you know that?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I did,” Jeonghan nods.

“Good. So you did, great. So that happens, and then for some reason, because of a stupid mistake I made, I slept with Soonyoung.” Jeonghan’s eyes furrow just a little. “I was feeling alone, and a bit desperate, and he wanted it, and I thought it was okay, so I did. And you know what I found out after?”

“What?”

“Seungcheol asked Soonyoung to do it. Just because he thought I needed to get out of this mess, and also prove to me I’m not committed. To him.”

“What?” He asks, his eyebrows furrowing.

“And I proved it to him. That he loves me more than I love him, apparently. That I’m not committed, that I pushed him to give me too much, and he did, and in return, I couldn’t give him anything back. I couldn’t commit. And he knew it, and wanted to prove it to me too.”

Jihoon runs a hand through his hair, pulling at the strands, his words erratic.

“How can I be committed? How can I be committed when my relationship is like this, when there are so many people involved in it it’s not even a normal relationship? Like... what do I need to do?

I feel played with. I know, I really really know he was hurt when he realised it, that he loves me more than I love him, but I feel like obstacles are put in front of me so often that of course I stumble and fall, like when someone expects you to fail, and is convinced you will, tries to prove it to you, you will fail, right? And then him trying to prove it to me? By making sure I sleep with my best friend? It’s fucked up. It’s really fucked up also because I wanted it. So I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing,” Jihoon finishes ranting, like he never has. Cause he’s never been frustrated like this.

“Fuck. I didn’t know, Jihoon-ah, I’m sorry. That’s a mess,” Jeonghan says, his eyes wide.

“It’s stupid. That’s what it is. But at least now I know. And when he wakes up, I can tell him this is it, that we’re setting lines and boundaries, open relationship and whatnot, so this kind of misunderstanding doesn’t happen again. I’m tired of this, really.”

“I get you. It must be tiring.”

"Yeah, but it's also... not really tiring. It's frustrating. Because I can't even talk to him about this. I can't even... I can't even prove him wrong," he swallows, his voice smaller. "I can't... I can't even do that."

"Fuck."

“I’m sorry for complaining to you when everything else is so important. I'm just... I just keep thinking that this is one of the things that pushed him to be careless and I... I don't know how to deal with it," Jihoon admits, his eyes cast to the floor. 

“I don't think this is something you have to deal with by yourself, Jihoon," Jeonghan starts, his tone warm. "This is something you need to talk to him about when he wakes up. You're a smart person, Jihoon. You know you love him, and you can compartmentalize and not let it affect you until it actually needs to come up, right?"

"I... I guess I can."

"Look. Sometimes relationships are fundamentally bad. You know when people cite personality differences for divorces, right?"

"...yeah?"

"Well. Sometimes they just have bad beginnings. Let's be serious, you and Seungcheol... all of us, we're not normal. To think that it only takes months to figure out who we are? That's stupid, Jihoon. It takes years. Years, and many, many mistakes, many fights, many misunderstandings. You and Seungcheol match well, Jihoon. Your relationship might have started off bad or had a bad foundation, but that's always fixable. It's hard to see what's good when you only see the bad parts, but... Trust me. I see it. It's good."

Jihoon looks at him, his heart choked up in his chest. _Fuck._ “Why don’t you hate me, Jeonghan-hyung?”

“What?”

“Why don’t you hate me? I took him from you, I did mess him up. Why don’t you hate me? You could’ve gotten rid of me a long time ago.”

“Seungcheol doesn’t have anyone else mess him up, he does that by himself enough,” Jeonghan snorts. “You don’t mess him up, Jihoon. I think you started off on a wrong foot and your whole relationship has been off as a result, like I said, but you do make him better. I don’t hate you because I didn’t lose him. I still have him, but I also have you now. I know Jisoo told you what he did in a certainly strange way, but he was serious. You didn’t take him away. You just came in. Got stuck with all of us too.”

Jihoon sighs. Maybe it’s true. Maybe they just have to keep going until everything’s fixed, and Jihoon feels alright in this dynamic. So as a result, Seungcheol feels too.

“Nobody hates you, Jihoon-ah. Don’t waste time thinking that.”

“Yeah. Yeah,” Jihoon nods, takes a deep breath. “Let’s go on. I know we have a lot to do.”

“Are you sure? We can take a break,” Jeonghan prods.

“No. No. Let’s do it.”

"Jihoon... You get like this when you're stressed or you're bothered, you overwork yourself. You can't do that now, you..."

"Jeonghan-hyung," Jihoon interrupts him. I work under pressure every single day. And I am calm enough to work when I'm stressed. I've done it for years. It's fine. I feel fine, exactly because it doesn't matter how I feel." When Seungcheol's in a hospital bed and they have the weight of an entire country on their shoulders. "Never in this thing should you underestimate me or worry about me. I'm fine if everything's fine, I know you understand that."

"But if you're not fine, you'll tell me. Don't be stupid. I need you."

Jihoon nods. "You know I will do that. Same for you."

Jeonghan nods, bites his lip in his mouth. He has something to say.

"Honestly, Jihoon..." he starts, switches in his chair. "Can I tell you something? That stays between us, and us only?"

Jihoon freezes, but nods. "Yes."

"Something's bugging me. Look here," he hands Jihoon some papers, that he browses through. He figures it's a map of the houses, and some are circled in green, some in red. "There were a few hundred houses cleared that day, and the rest cleared the three days after. We cleared around a few hundred, almost a thousand in total. At the exact time Seungcheol was shot, 22 were in the process of being cleared, the ones in green. Out of those 22, 5 were ambushed, 4 of them in the same area, look, they're circled in red. Odds of around 23% aren't that good, are they? For it to be chance."

Jihoon bites his tongue.

"Who was it?"

"I don't know, Jihoon-ah. A lot of people."

He's going to raise hell. Jihoon's going to find them, and _kill_ them. Nothing more, nothing less.

\---

They go back to the hospital that night, after trying to figure things out. For some reason, Jihoon feels more comfortable here, next to Seungcheol, than not. Feels safer.

"What do we need to do now?" He asks Jeonghan, who is sitting on the other side of Seungcheol, in the uncomfortable chair.

"First of all, we need to cut the idea of his brother returning before the advisory board even comes up with it as an idea. I've heard whispers."

"How do we do that?"

"I set an emergency meeting tomorrow with them. We need to present a united front; Junhui is obviously not coming but he'll Skype in, Wonwoo will be there, Jaehwa will be there, you and I will be there. I wanted Jisoo to come as well, but..."

"It's okay. Don't tell him or make him feel guilty."

"I won't. He knows, but I won't..." Jeonghan says, a bit wistful.

"Okay. It's okay," Jihoon gets him back on track.

"Yeah... Anyway, we need to come up with a plan of action, of what we are telling them. I have no issue with convincing them getting Seungcheol's brother is potentially the worst idea ever, but we have to still present a plan that works."

"What should it include?"

"Mostly how do we plan to contain this. What we've discussed with the Gyeongsang-do family, seeing the involvement of Seungcheol's step-mother, how we plan to reach out to the other families for support before our enemies do, what is our system. I'm waiting for everybody to get here tonight so we can talk together, but that's what we need to do."

"Okay. Until then, can you tell me more about what's the exact proof against the Gyeongsang-do family? I know their agreement says they can't do things which jeopardize other families' territorial integrity, which is why they attack and then negotiate concessions instead of just taking ground."

"Indeed."

"Good. Then if we can prove that there is a connection between them and Mi-eun, that means they're as good as guilty."

"Yes. Seungcheol and Junhui started that by tying her financial traces to anything to Gyeongsang-do families. They also started tracking her staff; it doesn't seem like she left the country. What's difficult is that if she went home, it's an excuse. That's where they're from, that's where her family is."

"So maybe then you shouldn't be focusing on finding the things that her or her family here owned. Maybe then we should focus on the rest of her family in Gyeongsang-do. What are her family's alliances with the empire in there?"

"Not many. That's why she married someone here."

"Okay, but no. Look... that's what we thought before. Now... if we consider what they wanted..."

"So you're saying she had this planned before she even married into this family?"

"Didn't she?" Jihoon asks, his eyebrows drawn.

"I don't think so," Jeonghan shakes his head. "This is a recent development, I think. Seungcheol's father wouldn't have married her."

"Don't go on that path," Jihoon shakes his head. "He clearly doesn't know much about his wife. It could've been true."

"Okay. I'll have our assistants look into connections then just in case, but it might take a while," Jeonghan turns the corner of his lip. "I don't think it will be ready before tomorrow."

"It won't be, right? Then we should focus on everything else?"

"Yes. Come here, I'll show you more of what I have so far," Jeonghan says, makes him drag the chair he's sitting in next to him, so he can show him stuff on the laptop. Jihoon sits down, cracks his knuckles.

\---

They didn't sleep. Didn't get to sleep for even 5 minutes before their 9 AM meeting. Jihoon's wearing a suit and shoes that feel heavy, uncomfortable, scratchy on him. But Jeonghan made him wear it since they'll be talking together, presenting a united front together. He really meant it when he said he wants Jihoon to help him.

As awful as that is, Jihoon's felt more involved these past few weeks in the family than ever.

People come into the room. Sit down, fix blades in their eyes and throw them all at Jeonghan and him. Jeonghan looks angry. Angry, but not even defensive. Fully ready to attack.

The best defense is attacking, truly. Jihoon's starting to learn that.

It goes south immediately after they start. This is not a presentation. This is Jihoon, Jeonghan, Wonwoo, Jaehwa and them fighting a hoard of old, stubborn men.

But Jeonghan knows who he's dealing with. Jihoon's never seen him like this, but he guesses he never had any opportunity to.

"I am not here to give you advice, or to ask for permission. I am here to tell you that I am the acting head of this family, and I will not accept anyone even bringing Seungcheol's brother up. That is the end of that conversation," Jeonghan throws, his voice convincing.

"You are the acting head, Jeonghan. You cannot be the permanent head..." someone says, and Jeonghan clenches his fist.

"I will also not accept anyone even thinking that Seungcheol will pass away. That will not happen. We are not going to talk like it has happened or like it will happen. Absolutely nobody in this room is going to do that, or I will not hesitate to act."

"So then what are your plans, Jeonghan?"

"This is nothing but a petty fight for territories that the Gyeongsang-do family started. We are going to not act hastily, and gather all evidence that Mi-eun was connected to the Gyeonsang-do family while planning this. After that is over, we are going to call over a large meeting and discuss this between all families, as well as the appropriate punishment."

"Are you sure that it's true? That is too obvious."

"We are. It is too obvious exactly because the best place to hide is in plain sight. They thought we would cave before something really happened, but then they went and they did something stupid, further than they expected. In a way, it works better for us," Jihoon says, trying to have his voice not crack.

"Are you sure the other families will back you up? That's a large assumption." Seungcheol's father intervenes.

"We will make it so they have no choice. Just... give me some time. To prove that there are firm connections. And if it doesn't work then, we will figure out an alternative. Right now, everything is in a standdown. We have time," Jeonghan says, fixing his eyes on everyone.

They all reluctantly agree, but they're not happy. Jihoon doesn't feel relieved, almost at all. It would take a lot to make him relieved.

When they file out of the room, Seungcheol's father fixes his eyes on Jihoon's. No words spoken, just that. Goosebumps raise on the back on Jihoon's neck.

\---

"I got a list of all the people on their payroll in the police and government. Except..." Wonwoo hesitates, sitting down in their living room. He immediately looks at Jihoon and hands it to him, the list open on the second page.

Jihoon's eyes go to it immediately. Jeonghan peers at it over his shoulder, but it won't tell him anything.

Jihoon closes his eyes, throws it on the desk. He knew. He should have known.

"What is it?" Jeonghan asks, and Jihoon pinches the bridge of his nose.

"It's his father. His father's there," Wonwoo answers for him.

"It's alright," Jihoon throws, opening his eyes. "That's fine. It doesn't mean anything."

"Jihoon-ah..."

"He knows I'm associated with Seungcheol then. It's alright. It might even help."

"How does he know?" Jaehwa asks, curious.

"I searched Seungcheol up once, asked my dad to find the family history. I told him he wants to sponsor us. He doesn't know I'm involved now, but he'll suspect it. I'll ask."

"Ask? Why?"

"Because he'll tell me. He told me last time. I'll figure out what they want, I know how to ask."

"Are you sure it's a good idea?"

"Yeah. I'll figure it out," Jihoon nods, finds his phone.

\---

His father doesn't answer. He doesn't answer until the evening, when it's only him and Jeonghan left in the house. Wonwoo and Soonyoung are at the hospital so Jeonghan and he can focus on their original plan, build it.

Jihoon's nerves are shot to hell when his father does answer.

_"What's wrong, Jihoonie? Everything okay?"_

"Yeah, yeah. I was just worried when you didn't answer."

_"I apologize, we're very busy at work these days. A big case we are starting in the next while."_

"You are?" Jihoon prods, pushes.

_"Yeah. A lot of things to do, but when are there not?"_

"Yeah, indeed... How's mom?" he changes the subject, tries to talk like he always does. Quick and snappy.

 _"Good. Helping grandma and grandpa, they're really busy too,"_ Jihoon can see him nod, tilting his head like he does. _"Do you need anything Jihoon-ah? You usually call your mom."_

"Kind of, yeah..." Jihoon hesitates, coughs. "Remember the person I asked you about maybe like a year ago? Our sponsor?"

 _"Yeah. I do. Choi Seungcheol, isn't it?"_ Kind of quick to know a name, Jihoon figures.

"Yes. I... I need help. He's... kind of stopped paying us? Kind of disappeared off the map. I don't know for sure, but I think I did something wrong, I don't know, and I was wondering if you could help me find him. It was... it was helpful," Jihoon lies through his teeth, coughs to seem unsure, his voice small.

_"Jihoon-ah... maybe it's good that he left then. That kind of stuff is not good."_

"I know, dad, but the kids are trying so hard, I need to as well. You know we don't do anything, like, of course not."

 _"I know, I know Jihoon-ah,"_ he sighs. Jihoon somewhere, somehow, deep inside, feels a pang of regret. For doing this to them. This life he's leading. _"I know, but maybe find someone else? Just not him."_

"Why not him?" Jihoon asks, painting his tone in confusion.

 _"He just didn't feel like a good person."_ So he clearly knows who Seungcheol is. Now Jihoon feels stupid for having asked then, trying so hard to find out who he was, when his father just knew. What a fool Jihoon is, to think of his father as absolved of everything the Korean police does.

"Nobody's a good person, dad. He is just rich and didn't ask anything of me, and we have a comeback soon and Pledis has just done something really messed up with one of our groups, so... I don't want the kids to be overworked. I really, really need this quick. Help me dad, please."

Jihoon never says please. Has never said please to his parents when he needed something. This much should get to his dad.

_"I think you need to find someone else, Jihoon. If he's gone, maybe he has his own issues."_

"I don't think so, I think I did..."

 _"Listen, Jihoon-ah,"_ his father interrupts him, his tone changing to one that's almost patronizing, like he talks from experience Jihoon will never have. Jihoon knows that tone all too well. _"Just listen to your dad. He's no good, he probably went to prison or lost all his money and positions or something."_ Jihoon almost chokes. _Fuck._ _"Just find someone else. If he's done, he's done."_

"Oh. Okay then dad, thank you," Jihoon tries not to rush. "For trying to help anyway. I'll see."

_"Be careful, Jihoon-ah. And call your mom, she misses you."_

"I will. Thank you, dad," Jihoon rushes to hang up the phone.

\---

"They want to take over," Jihoon tells Jeonghan, throwing his phone on the desk. Jeonghan turns to him, his eyes wide.

"What are you saying?"

"You said the Gyeongsang-do family would temper Mi-eun, wouldn't let her push. That they wanted concessions. That's not it. She might have convinced them or I don't know, but they've retreated only for a while. They're not going to hold back for long."

"How do you know?" Jeonghan asks in shock, his tone surprised.

"My dad let something slip. He said they're preparing for something big. Maybe they're preparing for you to declare war, but I don't think so. I think they're going to attack again soon. Dad told me to give up on Seungcheol. That he probably lost his money or positions, so I'm pretty sure."

Jeonghan looks at him, sees the intensity in Jihoon's eyes.

"I believe you."

"What are we doing?"

"We're going to attack first."

"What do you mean?"

"Defense is not the right move here. Defense cost us people. We're going to get everything ready, and then we're going to talk to the two people I didn't want to talk to."

"Who are they?"

"The heads of the Chuncheon and the Jeolla families."

Jihoon nods.

"I think we should talk to someone else first."

"Seungcheol's father?" Jeonghan huffs.

"Yeah. Last board meeting, he almost voted against us because of me. We can't have that again, especially tomorrow. Especially with all of this now."

Jeonghan nods, gets up. Stops to look back at Jihoon.

"He'd be proud, Jihoon-ah. Just so you know."

\---

Standing in front of Seungcheol's father, Jihoon feels nothing but anger. Coming from somewhere.

"Why are you here?"

"We are here to talk to you," Jeonghan responds, crossing his arms.

"I get you being here, but why is he here? Why was he there yesterday?" His father waves his head to Jihoon.

Jihoon wants to hit something. He didn't sleep last night either. He's tired.

"I understand the need to convince you that our plans are the best option or whatever, but I do not understand the need to convince you that I need to be there, and this seems to be the exact opposite," Jihoon says, crossing his arms. He keeps his words perfectly formal, but his tone changes. "I am your son's, the head of this family's _fiancée,_ and if you let pre-conceived judgments get in your way right now, when your family is going through the biggest crisis it has ever faced, I can guarantee that no good things will come out."

"Are you threatening me?" Seungcheol's father throws incredulously at him.

"I am not threatening you. We are on the same side in this situation, and it would do good to remember that. We both know bringing Seungcheol's brother is the worst possible option, we both want this family to be safe, and we both want to minimize casualties, damages, and future issues... and most importantly, we both want Seungcheol to be alright. If you still have any problems with me being your son's partner, we can discuss them after, when your son is awake and when this entire family is not at risk. Until then, I am here to help. If you don't trust me, trust the current person responsible for this family," he points to Jeonghan, "who brought me here and has discussed every single thing since this disaster started with me. Because he knew I could help. And I can."

Seungcheol's father looks at him, and Jihoon holds his stare.

"This is not over. We will discuss this later."

"That's all I'm asking for. For now, please help us."

\---

"Fiancée?" Jeonghan asks in the car on the way back, his eyebrow raising.

"He asked me to marry him. Kind of. Not quite, but..."

"And did you say yes?"

"No," he admits. "But fiancée sounds much more powerful than just boyfriend, or partner, or whatever, right?"

Jeonghan huffs, his eyes back on the road. Jihoon looks forward as well, at the forest they're going through to leave the estate.

"Seungcheol will get it," Jihoon says, his eyes on the road as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scream to me @bbysvts on Twitter and CC, I know I deserve it.


	14. cause i'd give it all up if i could take it away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> Here we are... this chapter has taken me so long and it's not even as massive as I wished it to, but... emotionally it's been more than anything I've ever written probably, well. Maybe I'm not actually made to write good angst?
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> T/W for this chapter are... it's sad. Emotionally painful, but it also contains gun violence, general angst, and a complete lack of knowledge of medicine and how it works.
> 
> Thank you so much for being so patient with me and I'm looking forward to see what you all have to say. <3

_He's not there. He's not... he's not at the house._

_They told him he'll be here._

_He's not here. Seungcheol's not here._

_Jeonghan fists his hands in his hair, pulls. This is not real. This is not real. Where is he?_

_"Boss... we found him."_

_\---_

_Nothing could have prepared Jeonghan for this sight. For the sight of a bloodied Seungcheol, his hands tied behind his back, slumped against a wall._

_He... stands for a second, to let it... let it settle somewhere, before he rushes to him. Careful decisions. Careful decisions, even though Jeonghan wants to die right now._

_"Cheol... Cheol," he goes to him, careful not to touch him. Who knows... what might be wrong._

_"Hannie," he groans, lifting himself up. He's awake. He's awake, thank god._

_"Is... anything broken? Can I touch you?" Jeonghan asks, frazzled, touching Seungcheol's bloody side, trying to find what happened, why there's something wrapped around his body. Why is he... why is he not passed out?_

_"Yeah. Yeah. Just... don't untie me. Leave me like this."_

_"Wh... what?" Jeonghan asks, confused. "What do you mean? Cheol, we need to get you to the hospital. Now."_

_"No, Hannie," he groans out, shakes his head. Fixes his eyes into Jeonghan's. "Shoot me."_

_"What?" Jeonghan splutters, thinking he didn't hear well. What did he say?_

_"Shoot me. Shoot me again, in the shoulder. You know the spot, you know where. We need this to stop."_

_"Cheol..."_

_"Shoot me. Pin it on them, I'll go into shock and then I'll wake up. It'll be alright. I lost a lot of blood already from their shot, so it doesn't change anything for me. But it does for them."_

_"Seungcheol..." Jeonghan quivers, his eyes wide. The sounds of the ambulances coming get louder and louder._

_"Do it. Jeonghan,_ please. _"_

_Jeonghan's hand shakes, his mind frozen. He can't..._

_"Hannie, darling,_ please. _Look at me, please," Seungcheol begs him, so Jeonghan fixes his eyes on his, his mouth wide open. He can't... "Do it. Please, please do it, you can do it, okay? I'll be okay, yeah? I'll have surgery and wake up and then we'll fix this, okay? Do it, please."_

_Jeonghan gets the gun at his waist, his hand still shaking. He doesn't know if he'll be able to pull the trigger, but he raises it to Seungcheol's shoulder. At the spot he knows won't do harm, but it will make him pass out, especially considering his condition, and..._

_"Come on, Hannie, do it," the sound of the ambulances stops. They're in the building. Jeonghan raises his gun, presses it to Seungcheol's shoulder, his hand shaking._

_"I'm sorry," he rasps out, his voice faint._

_"Don't be sorry. I'll be okay, yeah? I love you."_

_"I... I love you too," Jeonghan whispers, still shaking._

_He closes his eyes. Seungcheol collapses._

_Jeonghan puts his gun back in his holster, hears the patter of people coming up to the room. Falls next to Seungcheol, his fingers on his heart. It's still beating._

_Jeonghan wants to be in Seungcheol's place. He'd do anything to be in Seungcheol's place right now. Anything, give up anything._

_\---_

When Jihoon comes back from his meetings, his head down, he sees Jeonghan on Seungcheol's bed.

Jeonghan doesn't move, sitting on Seungcheol's bed while Jihoon packs, his hands crossed and his lip in his mouth. He's been biting it so much Jihoon fears he will bite it raw, but he's clearly conflicted about something.

"Jihoon-ah..."

"Hmm."

"Do you think this is a good idea?" Jeonghan asks him. Jihoon. He asks Jihoon.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Jihoon turns to him, packing the last of his suits in the bag he found in Seungcheol's closet. He has two, so that's it.

"I don't know. I feel like leaving here is not necessarily the best idea. What if... I don't know."

"Are you afraid of not being able to see Seungcheol? It's only like two or three days, and we're not going to another country. Wonwoo's here."

"Yeah, you're right. We have to do this."

Jihoon looks at him, sniffs.

"If you feel something's wrong, you should follow your instincts, right," Jihoon says, sits down on the floor, facing Jeonghan.

"Do you think they're going to attack if we're gone?"

"Hmm. I don't know. I think they might be planning something big, but I don't know. We're seriously not that far away, and we're connected. If something happens, we just come back," Jihoon nods. "But if you think they'll attack soon? Probably. They're assholes, they don't care about morals, or us being gone or not."

"Hmm," Jeonghan nods too, biting his lip in his mouth again. "I think they do. It's just that... it's beyond that. They have a goal."

"It's a crazy one."

"It is," Jeonghan shifts, laying on his stomach. "You know... I was also thinking about who all the families are they going side with now, before we go to them and try to convince them. The Jeju-do family is neutral, always has been; if they favor anyone, it's the Jeolla-do province people because of their ports' connections. The Chuncheon-do family, Seungcheol's father has been stupidly fighting against, has also started a few brawls on the border, but... Seungcheol and I kind of tried to make it clear that won't happen anymore. The Jeolla-do family still holds a grudge on Seoul from the 70s, when a lot of government money was taken from the region; but they hate the Gyeonsang-do family even more. So... there's no clear allies, not really, no clear enemies either."

"Why did Seungcheol's father push into Chuncheon?" Jihoon asks. He remembers it being thrown around a lot, but he's never known.

Jeonghan huffs. "Seungcheol's father is a very stubborn man. So to other people, it makes sense that he wanted more territory, more power. To me and Seungcheol? It never made sense. So I don't know. Never told us, told us he'd recommend keeping it going, but we should do what we want to, set our own relationships. Always felt like we are a bit blind with that."

Jihoon sighs, nods. He sees.

If there's something he's realized recently, is just how much Seungcheol and Jeonghan struggle. It seems easy, to say that Seungcheol is the most powerful man in Korea, but Jihoon stands here, and keeps being reminded of his and Jeonghan's humanity over and over again. How even if their decisions influence millions of people, they still run on incomplete information.

"Do you think this will change anything then?"

"Yeah. Maybe, I don't know," Jeonghan sighs. "We have to try anyway."

\---

Jihoon still finds it strange how comfortable he is with Jeonghan. Not to say they're happy and they joke around and shout out loud to music coming from the radio like they're on a road trip, but the silence isn't uncomfortable.

It's not like it _should_ be either, like Jihoon should have something against him. It's not like that. He's just surprised that someone with Jeonghan's personality matches well with his. He's... as much as he can be, he's happy about _that,_ at least.

Jeonghan takes the longer way to skip traffic, and while in the car, they go over their plan. Explain the situation, get their opinion, make sure they'll back them up. Jihoon is there to be honest; Jeonghan will play the "underground way" to tell where their loyalties really lie.

\---

"Jeonghan, I haven't seen you in a long time," the head of the Chuncheon family shoos them in, their security following close behind. He's kinder, more energetic, smiling more than Jihoon would have assumed; he thinks everyone is like Seungcheol's dad, stiff and serious and dictator-looking, as Mingyu joked once when he told them about it.

"I apologize about that. With everything going on, we didn't really have time to come by for our monthly meetings."

"That's alright, I got used to more than 20 years without any monthly meetings," he remarks and Jeonghan chuckles. Jihoon would too, but he wasn't acknowledged yet.

"You must be Lee Jihoon, is that right?" Jihoon puts his hand on his chest but doesn't bow when he shakes the Chuncheon head's hand, as Jeonghan had told him do.

"I am. It is a pleasure to meet you."

"No, it is a pleasure to meet _you,_ Lee Jihoon. A lot of things are being heard and spoken about you."

Jihoon nods, always unsure about how to answer that. He's a celebrity, an idol who has some amount of fans, he thinks, and yet knowing that other people know him differently... talk about him differently, from an entirely different perspective, that's always been difficult to conceptualize.

"I hope it's only true things," Jihoon switches the phrase, sees the man laugh.

"Of course. Come in, come in," he ushers them to his office, where a maid brings tea and refreshments right away. Gaeun checks with Jeonghan and then follows the maid, assuming they don't need security. "I assume you're not drinking, since you are driving?"

"Yes," Jeonghan nods, takes the teacup. Jihoon waits for the Chuncheon head to pour and drink before he drinks. On their game for whatever to be ready for whatever, Jeonghan and he had decided.

"So. I don't want to make any assumptions as to why you are here, Jeonghan, but..."

"I think it is clear why we are."

"Indeed, indeed. I will be honest with you from the beginning: you know I do not like games like these. We are with you, Jeonghan; it is absolutely ridiculous what had been happening, but injuring your head? That is ridiculous."

"So then you must believe it too, that it was them. I was wondering how far they went with denying it, if they reached out to you to convince you," Jeonghan leans back in his chair.

"They have, but what can they deny?" The man chuckles, putting his empty cup down. "It would be very unfortunate for them for this to be a coincidence, but of course no one believes it is so. We believe the agreement should be followed through."

"I do not have any intentions to wage war," Jeonghan shakes his head, and Jihoon sees the Chuncheon head's eyebrow lift. "I wish this could be solved before more of our people have to die."

"So you are not here to ask for my alliance?"

"No, we are not," Jihoon speaks up for the first time. "We are, and yet we are not. We are not here to ask for your alliance in war, but we are here to ask for your backing when we call upon a meeting to decide the punishment for the Gyeongsang-do family."

"Hmm. Aren't you from Busan, Lee Jihoon?"

"I am," he nods.

"So do you think Gyeongsang-do people would willingly accept punishment when they don't even think the blame is theirs?" He asks, his eyes boring into Jihoon's.

"We didn't say they would have to willingly accept it. Of course modes of persuasion would be... well-chosen, but we want to stop this before it gets to war."

"That means changing the terms of the agreement, Jeonghan. Not going against it, but kind of. As the second-in-command, you're ready to do that without your head?" He asks, slightly surprised. "We all know you and Seungcheol's rule is slightly different, your dynamic too, but even still, is that a decision you are making for sure, not to wage war?"

Jeonghan takes a deep breath. "To be honest with you, I have had many nights of agonizing over this. As you know, nobody ever succeeded in killing a head, and thus no one has ever declared the kind of war I must declare now. So who is to say what will happen?"

"Even still..." The Chuncheon head shakes his head, so Jeonghan continues.

"The way I have thought about this is this way: there are people in our family who have been with us even before Seungcheol's father's rule. And who will maybe be with us even after ours. We are temporary, but the decisions we make are permanent, much like death. I cannot sacrifice thousands, tens of thousands of my men for a war that is pointless; even if we win, we might not even have a clear answer. We want to solve this now and for good, but peacefully too."

"For now, we are choosing to still believe in reason and rationality," Jihoon continues. "If that does not prove to be the case, we will be the first ones to accept it. But for now... We hope you can understand and back us up in this."

The Chuncheon head breathes out, tilts his head.

"Seungcheol's got himself a fiery one here," he looks straight at Jihoon, and Jihoon blinks. "My ex-wife turned out to like a woman. I get it," he winks, nods.

Jihoon would get mad, but it's an honest compliment, it seems.

"If your mother or Seungcheol's father came here to ask me this, I would've turned them away before they could even drive their cars into my province. But because it's you, Jeonghan, and I know the kind of people you and Seungcheol are, I will accept it, and if there is a meeting, I will help you. But my advice to you, to you two specifically, is to get ready anyway, no matter where Seungcheol is or what he's doing, or whether everyone else will choose to help you or not. Mobilize your forces, keep them on alert. Declare state of war anyway; it's better for a war you expected to not come than a war you never expected to come."

\---

Jeonghan seems like he exhales ten years' worth of stress when they get in the car, having denied the offer to stay over more. The less they are away from Seungcheol, the better the both of them feel.

"He seemed like he was honest," Jihoon says, watching him.

"He was. They'll help. It's just..."

"What?"

"I don't know... that was too easy. But it's fine."

"I'd rather it be too easy than have to fight for it," Jihoon snorts. "But yeah... I get you. It was easy. I think he maybe just respects the fact that you and Seungcheol are different from your mother and father."

"Yeah. Let's talk about it when we get back to Seoul, see what the Jeolla-do family says first."

Jihoon nods, keeps his eyes on Jeonghan, wondering what happened for him to be so unsure of himself. It seems like every step he's taking he's second doubting himself; it might be the fact that Seungcheol is not here for them to double-check and talk it over with each other, but Jihoon feels there's something else too.

\---

The reception in Jeolla-do is miles away from the one in Chuncheon. Gaeun stands close behind them, the rest of their security people way tenser than before. Maybe it's the magnitude of the house which doesn't feel inviting at all, maybe it's how the greeting of the head and his second-in-command is so fake Jihoon gets goosebumps.

"Please come in," he asks them in, taking them to the dining room. They came just in time for dinner, which Jeonghan said makes everything immensely more difficult. They can't refuse anything, but plates come ready-made, so if they wanted to slip them something, it would be easy. Unlike before, Gaeun and the three people she brought stand close behind them at the table.

Jihoon feels honestly much better in her presence. Gaeun has to be one of the smartest, most together, calmest people he knows; Jeonghan and Seungcheol trust her to a fault, and Jihoon does too. So if something happens, it's alright. She'll take care of it.

So Jihoon eats, even though the food sits terribly in his stomach, heavy and out of place. This is not like Chuncheon; these are mind games played without anything more than trivial words spoken.

It's only when dinner is done and food gets taken away, with everyone besides the head and his second-in-command leaving, that this can truly start. Jihoon is nervous, to say the least.

"Thank you for coming all the way over here, we appreciate it."

"We appreciate you welcoming us," Jeonghan answers with a nod.

"How's Seungcheol? It must be terrible for you to stand besides him when he is like that. I could never imagine it," the Jeolla-do second-in-command remarks, and Jihoon sees Jeonghan's fist clenching under the table, his nails digging in his palm.

Jihoon shifts in his chair so he's closer to him, to poke at his thigh, Jihoon's silent reminder for him to calm down. He's wired up for some reason.

"He is well, thank you," Jihoon answers instead. Unlike in Chuncheon, where there was something _interesting_ about him, that even the head commented on him, here Jihoon doesn't seem to have that card. Strangely enough, he felt better when he was interesting. Like this, he feels disarmed. He doesn’t have the skill set to stand out when games are played like this.

"Of course. We understand this is an incredibly hard time for you, so we are here to help with whatever we can."

"We appreciate that," Jihoon continues. "We are here to share a little bit more about what we intend to do, so you are not taken by surprise." He squeezes Jeonghan's thigh, trying to get him back on track.

Thankfully, Jeonghan seems to get back to himself, his hand now on Jihoon's squeezing to show he's okay.

"I will be very straight-forward and let you know that we do not intend to start a war," Jeonghan says, blinking. "We would like to save the pointless death and fighting, and skip straight to the resolution. We are planning to hold a meeting soon, and we would like you to determine with us what the appropriate punishment is."

They look taken aback, both of them. It's not fake, or at least it doesn't seem like it.

"Jeonghan... This is a dangerous game you are playing."

"I know it may seem so, but I can guarantee this is the right thing to do. A war doesn't only pointlessly weaken us, but it would redefine our dynamics in ways that we could not imagine yet."

"I am not sure that is a bad thing, Jeonghan. Perhaps it is time," Jihoon feels Jeonghan's nails digging into Jihoon's skin this time, trying to hold himself back. Jihoon turns his own hand and squeezes it, lets him take out his anger.

They're saying they don't mind if the two regions they hate most end up fighting each other; they would have nothing but to benefit from it. And they’re saying it _straight to their face._

"After all, they have made an attempt on the life of the head of your family; you are not even sure if he will wake up, nonetheless anything else..."

"He is awake," Jeonghan interrupts, determined. Jihoon's heart chokes up. What?

They look as confused as him, but Jihoon makes sure to not let anything show on his face.

"Would you believe I would've taken such a step without my head being awake?" Jeonghan asks, squeezing Jihoon's hand once. Follow along.

The head and his second-in-command are clearly shocked beyond words.

"Seungcheol is awake, but we are biding our time to see what they plan to do with the knowledge that he is not, let them be brave and unearth all their plans. I am not here to ask for your help, do not mistake my words, but to let you know what we plan to do, and ask you to stand on the right side of this issue."

It's quite comical, how silent they are.

"Me not declaring war is not because I believe we are not capable of winning it, or because I believe we are in the detrimental. I will say it again, and I know that you will believe me now. Seungcheol and I have the utmost interest in seeing our old dynamics continue; we think the balance that was created between us is the best potential thing that could exist. We do not want that balance unearthed, and we do not want our people dead. We are not here to ask you to help us, we are here for your confirmation that you will stand behind agreements made a long time ago, and help set this right without pointless bloodshed. Others seem to have forgotten that the purpose of our families is not territory or power, but to protect this country and help it flourish; Seungcheol and I take that more than seriously, and we hope you, and the other families of this country, will prove to do the same when it counts."

Jeonghan finishes, and Jihoon is honestly shocked. He is... he is something else.

"I believe we have to apologize for misunderstanding you then," the head says, and Jeonghan nods his head once. "We did not know the full extent of this, it seems."

"That is alright. We can discuss the details of this more, but we hope you will be able to stand by us, knowing this."

"We shall," the head nods. "We shall."

\---

Jeonghan and he end up having to stay the night. By the time their discussion is done, it's past 10 PM, and they cannot reasonably deny the offer to stay the night instead of driving back to Seoul.

A maid shows them up to the rooms, and right before she leaves, Jeonghan stops her, plastering a smile on his face.

"Hi. Sorry to ask you, but... umm, look... we're not from a fancy place at all, and we're treated way better than we expected, like... your boss is great, we're in this room," he lays on a satoori that Jihoon knows he doesn't have. He was born in Seoul, for god's sake. But then he actually spent a while with Seungcheol in Daegu, so he guesses it was easy for him to learn it. "But... that dinner was so fancy, we couldn't eat much because we were _so nervous_ and we're starving. Any chance you could sneak us into your kitchen?" The smile on his face is something else, like nothing Jihoon has ever seen. It's just the right combination of charming, but pitiful. Like you should feel sorry for him. With his looks...

"I... umm, I'm just a maid..." she answers hesitantly, but she looks starstruck anyway.

"So no chance? Awwh, okay. Don't worry then, we should go to sleep..."

"Umm, I can see if I can bring you something. If that's okay."

"That's more than okay!" He smiles like she just told him the best news of his life. His hand's still in front of her and he drops it, answers her bow with a bow as deep.

"What the fuck," Jihoon asks right as they enter the room, Jeonghan closing the door. "She has to know who you are. Why did you do that?"

"She does, but it's not like she can confront me about me lying, right? You'll see. Are you okay with sleeping in the same room with me tonight?"

"Yeah, but why?"

"No matter how friendly they seem, we're in enemy territory. Ruffle the bed in the other room and come back."

Jihoon drops his stuff and does so, runs to unmake the bed, make it back a little, but clearly different, so it looks like he slept in it and then put it back to be a good guest. When he comes back to the room, Jeonghan's holding his phone, his headphones in, and hands one to Jihoon.

"No mics or cameras in the room, checked before entering. Here."

Jihoon's confused, puts the headphone in, but nothing except static comes for a few seconds, almost a minute. He's about to give up when Jeonghan waves at him, and he puts his headphone back in. Soon enough, he sees why.

_"They asked for some food anyway, before I could offer dessert to them. Should we put in the stuff now then?"_ The maid's voice comes through the headphones. Jihoon's jaw drops.

_"They did? What, they didn't like dinner?"_ A male voice scorns. _"Put it in. If the boss said so, we better do it. Better now than later tonight, if they asked."_

Jeonghan's eyebrow cocks at him, and Jihoon turns to him, his jaw to the floor. What the fuck.

"How did you do this?"

"Slipped a mic on her. I'll take it off when she comes back."

_"One?"_ She asks, and the male voice tsks.

_"Two. Make sure the fuckers sleep well."_

Wow. Jihoon feels attacked. He was nice the whole time, thought they were their allies.

_"Okay, oppa. I got it,"_ she answers, and there's nothing but rustling for a few seconds.

She comes back in a few minutes, and Jeonghan goes to help her, take the tray from her hands. Now that he knows what he's looking for, Jihoon sees Jeonghan unclip a small microphone from the inside of her cardigan.

"I apologize that's all we have," she says, and Jeonghan shakes his head.

"Please don't. This is great, thank you so much."

"Mr. Kim would also like to offer you dessert, if you'd like to."

"Ah..." Jeonghan scratches his head. "Would Mr. Kim mind if we left it for tomorrow? We've been awake for more than 24 hours."

"Of course not, sir. I will let him know."

"Thank you," Jeonghan smiles another disarming smile at her, and she bows and closes the door. Jeonghan bows back, goes to lock the door after she leaves, drops the tray on the floor, where it stays untouched.

"You could be an actor."

Jeonghan shrugs. "Dreams of old times. Now. Do you have your gun?"

"No, I left it on the dinner table," Jihoon snorts. "Of course I have it."

"Good. Take it with you to bed. Should we sleep?"

"Yeah, I'm almost dead. How should I keep it?"

"Put the gun under your pillow and the cartridge in your pants' pocket, so you don't accidentally shoot yourself or me in your sleep. Grab it and hold on to it, if it helps. I'm going to put this alarm on the door, and it will ring if it's opened. If you hear a noise though, first wake me up and then load your gun. Shoot if you need to. Don't think. Just shoot. Unless you don't feel me next to you. Then don't shoot."

"Okay," Jihoon nods. He lays under the covers on his back, turning off the light on his side, Jeonghan's breath staccato next to his.

But he’s too wired up to sleep.

"You gambled today," he whispers, turning to Jeonghan. If someone's listening in, at least they shouldn't hear. "You gambled with Seungcheol's life."

Jeonghan sighs, turning to face Jihoon as well. "It doesn't matter. I told you that if he's dead we all die anyway. Seungcheol will understand."

"But Jeonghan... if he actually dies, which he won't, but... you have to declare war. And you could win it. Why would you...?"

"Jihoon-ah... can I tell you something?" He interrupts, swallows, his voice different, raw. Jihoon's heart chokes up at the difference in his tone.

"What is it?"

"It's because of me that Seungcheol is... there."

_What?_ Jihoon asks, goosebumps raising on his skin. What?

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to tell you the whole story, okay? And then you can hate me as much as I hate myself, alright?" He whispers, and all traces of sleep are gone from Jihoon's body.

"Someone told me right away that Seungcheol had gone to the house, and that there was an ambush. A lot of our men called for help, and then our security team called me, said that Seungcheol was shot, and that I should go right away. I... I went there, but... I couldn't find him. There was nobody there, they couldn't find him," he breathes in, and Jihoon is horrified. He knew?

"I called Junhui right away, told him to trace everyone who was there. All... all of our security people have microchips installed. I know it's not ethical and stuff, but we need to be able to find them easily if something happens. Junhui found them at an abandoned warehouse a bit away, and I went. And... Seungcheol was there. But he was not good," he chokes up, and Jihoon furrows his eyebrows. He can't... he can't imagine this.

"He was shot in the side, as you know, and he was tied up. Whoever shot him, they knew how to shoot and didn't do it accidentally, so he wouldn't pass out right away; they tied up his wound so he wouldn't lose too much blood and pass out either. They knew we'd find him quick; they didn't want to kill him. But... Seungcheol didn’t let me help him. Seungcheol told me to shoot him again. So he would pass out and we could pin it on them. He'd wake up, he said, and then it would be different; him being in a coma, a real attempt to his life, would do much more damage than not, he said," he chokes up again, and Jihoon can see tears in his eyes from the low light of the window. Fuck... _Seungcheol._

"I listened to him. I don't know why I did, but I listened to him. I... I shot him in the shoulder.” Jihoon shivers, goosebumps on his skin. “And then he went into surgery, and I thought it would be fine, but... it's not fine, Jihoon. It's not fine at all, and it's all because of me," Jeonghan sobs silently, tears falling heavily down his face.

"He asked you to, right? He asked you?" Jihoon asks, low, barely more than a breath.

"Yeah. He did, but I shouldn't have done it anyway, I..."

"It's _fine,_ " Jihoon breaks, hugs Jeonghan and lets him cry in his chest. "It's not your fault. You did what he wanted you to do and you had to do, you didn't even know it would turn out like this."

Jeonghan doesn’t answer. Jihoon cries too though, just a little bit. He doesn't think he has tears to cry anymore, but...

"Why don't _you_ hate me, Jihoon? You should hate me."

"I don't hate you. You did what you had to do."

"I made a _mistake._ And it’s a terrible mistake."

"You did, but it's fine. He'll wake up. He told you he'll wake up, right?"

Jeonghan doesn't answer before he pulls away, looks at Jihoon again.

"If he dies, Jihoon, I have to wage that war, and do it first. I'm not going to win it. They're all waiting for a chance to pounce, and they'll probably split the territories between them, or figure out a different way. But if... even if I win, I don't care. If I win, someone else can be the head. I'm just going to see it through and then I'm going to go too, Jihoon," Jeonghan whispers as a declaration.

"But... he wouldn't want you to. He'd want you to help this family, make it..."

"No. It doesn't matter," Jeonghan shakes his head on the pillow. "It doesn't matter. We were born together and we are made to die together, Jihoon."

The words go like a knife through Jihoon's heart. He can... he can almost see it. How he'd have to return back to his old life, that's if he isn't killed himself too. How he'd have to live knowing all of this, knowing that everything's different and nothing's the same, knowing that all that existed, but it doesn't anymore. Like a horrible nightmare you remember, but the dream wasn't a dream. It was reality.

He couldn't. He couldn't. Seungcheol has to wake up.

\---

Except Seungcheol doesn't wake up. Not for days, weeks from when they get back. They talk in the car about setting the meeting for a few weeks after, in Jeju-do. Before, it felt like an escape, something that was going to make things right. Now it feels like anxiety in its purest form.

Jeonghan and he do things like Seungcheol will wake up; this meeting works only if he actually wakes up and they see the balance redone, carefully put back together. If he doesn't, this meeting's useless, and so, Jeonghan and he also prepare for war. Just in case.

They talk to Junhui in the car about what it means, if there are any ways to fight a cyberwar, bring them down before it's even started so at least people don't have to die. It's barely a passable option, but Junhui says he’ll look into it anyway.

\---

Jihoon looks at Jeonghan when they get back into the safety of Seungcheol's house, start to get everything ready. Jisoo's not back yet, his mother not good enough to do things by herself, and so he wonders how Jeonghan's feeling without them, the two most important people in his life. Like he's signing his will, knowing that soon enough he might have to die, or with some sort of hope still in his heart?

What about Jisoo? Does he know? Is he ready for it? Jihoon couldn’t know, because he himself is not ready.

“What do you think? About the Jeolla-do family," Jeonghan asks, now that they're sure nobody's listening.

Jeonghan’s question falls a little bit flat anyway. It’s clear what Jihoon thinks.

“You should mobilize people to be ready for after the meeting. I just don’t see why he’d want to poison us otherwise. Or not poison, but just... make sure we sleep. Like what did they want to do? Put mics on us? ”

Jeonghan snorts. “Out of all the people I thought the Jeolla-do family would ally with, it was not Gyeongsang-do.”

“Yeah... Yeah.” Jihoon nods, huffs. It’s stupid. It’s so dumb.

“I’ll call Gaeun.”

Jihoon gets his earlier question answered: Jeonghan’s voice sounds like he’s signed his own death certificate. In many ways, he has.

Jihoon... Jihoon truly wants to cry. This doesn’t feel right. This doesn’t feel right at all, falls really wrong in his chest. It doesn't feel like Jihoon has to resign himself to this terrible idea, it just feels like a bad choice.

“Hyung...”

“Hmm.”

“Hyung,” Jihoon’s voice falls.

Jeonghan’s eyes snap to his, when Jihoon lets what he thinks shine through.

“Can you... can you not do it, hyung?”

“Jihoon-ah...” His voice softens. “Jihoon-ah, I have no choice.”

“That’s such bullshit. You always have a choice. Can you find it? Just... take ownership of it. It’s just...” Jihoon twists his lips, choking up, trying not to cry. “It’s just _wrong,_ hyung.”

Jeonghan blinks, his face twisting in a grimace. “Jihoon-ah, our lives have never belonged to us. I can’t make a choice over something I don’t have.”

The first tear falls from Jihoon’s eyes, and he can’t stop it.

“Please don’t cry for me, Jihoon,” Jeonghan whispers. “I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”

Jihoon grits his teeth, tries to stop the tears. Tries to tell himself that he’s never had any stake in this, any ownership. That Seungcheol was never his, and all of this was nothing, all of them are nothing to him in the end.

It’s too late. It’s been way too late for a long time now.

“I just... _I don’t think I’m ready to lose this, hyung.”_

Jihoon sees nothing, but feels Jeonghan’s arms wrap around him. He buries his face in his chest and fists his hands in Jeonghan's shirt, clutching on to him for dear life.

“I’m sorry, Jihoon. _I’m so sorry."_

Jihoon cries. Cries and cries, and wonders if there was ever anything he could’ve done.

A phone rings somewhere behind them. And then it stops. Jeonghan whispers a hello.

And freezes.

Jihoon’s mind goes blank.

“Jihoon-ah... We have to go.”

Blank. Completely, entirely, utterly blank.

\---

Blank when they get in the car, Jeonghan refusing to tell him. Maybe it’s better that he doesn’t.

It’s not like Jihoon will believe him anyway. Not until he sees it for himself.

It’s bright, too bright when they walk into the hospital. Jihoon sees the tears on Wonwoo’s face way too clearly, on Soonyoung’s too.

He almost wishes he could make Wonwoo not open his mouth.

“He... flatlined. For a few seconds. I called the nurses and the doctors and they... got him back. It’s fine now. I’m sorry... when I called you, I... I didn’t know. I’m really, really sorry.”

_Oh god._

“But... Umm, you might want to talk to them, cause they said it’s not good. That if it happened once, it might happen again, and they can’t do this a lot. It means his heart is weakening, and they can’t do anything. There's not much time left."

Jeonghan nods, his hand around Jihoon’s shoulders, half supporting Jihoon, half supporting himself.

Jihoon wonders just how many times will he feel like collapsing.

The doctors come, and Jihoon musters the last of his strength to look at them.

“Hello. I’m sure you were explained what happened, so we wanted to talk to you about something,” the doctors tell them, and Jihoon follows Jeonghan into their office, sits down. Watches as they sit down across from them, two of them, one of them resting on the bookshelf. Jihoon moves through the motions robotically, his mind disconnected.

“We understand this is hard for you, but we should... talk about pulling life support, and if you wish to do so. But before then, actually, there is something that our colleagues in the US let us know about just very recently. A... drug. That forces and twists certain synapses in the brain to fire differently, potentially being able to awake people in a coma."

“What? What are you waiting for then?” Jihoon snaps in a second, disbelieving. _His_ synapses are firing up differently. There was something like this and nobody knew? And nobody _told them?_

“This is a very new thing. Like... very new. Clinical trials are still proceeding. But, we have gained permission to try it, if you agree to waive all rights for whatever happens. Essentially... you would participate in the clinical trial yourself. However, this is a very intense drug. If it does not work, considering tonight... it is very likely his heart will give.”

“So you’re saying it’s either do or die, pretty much,” Jeonghan tries to understand, his fist clenched. Jihoon looks at it, at the form of hope in that statement.

“Yes. And, also... we will be honest with you: we are doing this because we believe nothing ever trumps human life. We know... you are people with influence. So we are begging you, not as doctors, but as humans to humans, to ensure this is never going to be found out. We will not only lose our careers, but this will create an international scandal like no other. We will make sure that no one in this hospital but us knows, but we need to ensure... you do not as well. Please.”

“Of course,” Jeonghan nods, solemn.

“If this works...” Jihoon starts, the words coming from somewhere deeper inside him than he knows. “If this works, you do not know how grateful we will be. But even if it doesn’t... we will appreciate the effort,” Jihoon says. He gets what it means to sacrifice for something beyond you. He won’t forget. “Let’s do it,” he says with determination he hasn't felt in a while, looks at Jeonghan. They haven’t had time for a long time.

Jeonghan nods too, not an ounce of hesitation in his eyes.

“Yes. Let’s do it.”

\---

The amount of hope in that is enough to breathe life into what he and Jeonghan do next. It's different now, not like they're doing this to reach a conclusion that's expected, and just because they have to.

It's different, and it shows.

Jihoon's on the couch on his laptop, trying to read the latest reports people have sent, especially from the house masters and people. Wonwoo and Soonyoung are also working somewhere in the house, and Jeonghan is out at the hospital.

Jihoon was shocked when he saw everybody wants to go back, even if it's for a little while, before they go under lockdown again. But everyone does, from the girls to the security people to the house masters; it's not as much about what they do as it is about stability, about a way of life that Jihoon never imagined he could agree with, but then everything changed. He understood more about ownership over one's fate, about facets of sexuality and the lack of the shame that society naturally associates with it. He understands more now. So he gets it, and he wanted to help.

Jaehwa put him up to speed over maybe three days before with the basics, said that she can do most of it, but he has to double-check numbers and other stats with things only Seungcheol has in his office; Jihoon spent one whole night wrecking his brain over it, but then got most of it, and was able to help, he thinks.

And then Jeonghan calls in the middle of Jihoon running numbers on a calculator, and something tells Jihoon it's not good. Jeonghan was going to come straight back tonight, he didn't need to call.

He dreads picking it up. There's a hollowness in his chest and a knot in his throat, anxiousness through and through pulling at him. But he does. Because he has to.

"Hello, hyung. What's up?"

_"He's awake."_

\---

Wonwoo drives. Jihoon feels like it's both a second and a year until they get to the hospital, but Jihoon is patient. Patient for them to park the car, but when he's out...

He runs, knowing his way through the hospital by heart now. Wonwoo and Soonyoung are close behind him, and as the door gets closer and closer, Jihoon thinks he has tunnel vision, all blank.

His legs don't carry him much longer than the door, and he falls to his knees at the sight of Seungcheol sitting up on the bed.

It's not a joke.

_It's not a joke,_ Seungcheol is awake, smiling weakly at Jihoon, his eyes wide.

He can't even cry, too taken aback to even breathe. It's Soonyoung, maybe, who helps him up.

It's when he's finally reached Seungcheol's bed that he registers his open arms, and Jihoon flings himself at him, careful to not touch any wires or tubes or anything. Seungcheol's hug is all he's ever wished for in life.

"I'm going to kill you, Choi Seungcheol. I'm going to _kill you,"_ he whispers in his shoulder, hugging him tight, for Seungcheol to never leave him again.

"But baby, I just came back. Already?" He chuckles, his voice rough, unused for so long. Jihoon doesn't care.

He ignores his words, his low tease. Ignores how badly he wants to shake him, ask him so many questions, to just be able to drown in the feeling of Seungcheol's arms around him again.

He pulls away after what feels like an eternity, looking at Jeonghan, his arms still around Seungcheol.

"How?"

"It worked. They said they're monitoring normal heart functions, but for the most part, it's all fine. Nothing abnormal."

"What worked?" Wonwoo asks.

"Not now," Jeonghan shakes his head. They didn't get to tell them, Jihoon forgot. Does it even matter?

"Fuck," Jihoon whispers, looks at Seungcheol again, takes his hand. It's real. It's _real._

It's been so long, Jihoon chokes up. He _never_ thought this would happen, was almost ready to accept fate, _but..._

"Aww baby, don't cry," Seungcheol wipes his tears with a rough hand, his thumb trembling a little. He's weak, which is... he's been in this bed for weeks, months pretty much. Anything he does Jihoon considers a miracle.

"You are here, that's great," Jihoon hears a voice from behind him, turns to see the three doctors from before.

Jihoon owes them their life, and not theirs only. The lives of so many people too.

"Would it be possible to talk to you privately for just a second?"

Jeonghan and he nod, Jihoon wiping his tears with the back of his hand. "Be right back," he whispers to Seungcheol, sees his confused face. Jihoon shakes his head once, takes a good look at him, to imprint it in his memory, and follows them into the same office. Things are so different now.

"Thank you," both he and Jeonghan breathe out before even sitting down. "Thank you very much, you have... done the impossible, and we cannot tell you how much we appreciate it," Jeonghan says, his tone more than honest, and Jihoon nods, hopes his face shows his gratefulness.

"We are very happy it worked, and that Mr. Choi was able to be reunited with his loved ones again," one of them smiles, Dr. Park, who Jihoon thinks is the main one here. "We just wanted to talk some logistics with you. I am sorry if it is not the right time, but every minute is important."

"That is no problem," Jihoon nods. He wants to enjoy Seungcheol being awake, but he also wants to make sure he stays so.

"Great. As you know, several rounds of trials for this drug were completed before. There are several issues and effects we need to look for, most of which have to do with the heart, and also reassurance that brain functions are normal and working fine. Everything seems to be alright; Mr. Choi's heart is not at normal, but that is normal for patients who have been in a coma for a long time, especially since it collapsed before. For this purpose, we would like to hold him under supervision for a few weeks; we were recommended around a week, but we would like more time than that, if that is alright."

"Of course," Jeonghan and he nod. "As much as you think is alright."

"Thank you. We will be performing some tests in the meantime, to ensure everything is alright. Thank you so much for your understanding."

"Of course," Jeonghan nods again. "We... genuinely want to thank you. You have done more than we could have ever asked for, and please know that we will be repaying you back for the rest of our lives."

The silence following that statement is a bit unnerving. Hair raises on Jihoon's arms, knowing they have something to say.

"Mr. Yoon, Mr. Lee... you and Mr. Choi must have some very powerful enemies. We... do not want to get involved, but..."

Jeonghan shuts them up with a shake of his head, telling them not to continue that statement. He takes a piece of paper out of his wallet; a business card.

"That is my private number. We'll arrange a meeting to talk more."

They nod, understanding. Jeonghan blinks at Jihoon, and Jihoon nods. It's the question at the forefront of Jihoon's mind too. Why?

\---

Jihoon spends the next two weeks in the hospital again, but this time, it's different. It takes around the entire time to get Seungcheol up to speed with everything that's happened, even if they are all hesitant; the less stress the better, but Seungcheol is a stubborn, stubborn man, and it's not like they can deny him much.

It's so different, for Jihoon to tell Seungcheol things about the firm and the family instead of the other way around. He knows things not even Jeonghan knows, especially about the houses and security, because Jaehwa has been talking to him more than Jeonghan, since Jeonghan had a lot more to do. He had been talking to Gaeun too, especially since coming back from Jeolla-do, so he knows... a lot. Barely anything in the grand scheme of things, but enough to help.

On Seungcheol's first day home, in his bedroom, his eyes looking around in awe, like he can't believe he's back, Jihoon takes his hand.

"Hey... I thought about what you told me a few days ago."

"What?"

"Taking the CEO spot in the smaller firm. I know... you did it because you wanted me to help bounce ideas off of, but..."

Jihoon squeezes his hand, feels Seungcheol's fingers around his squeeze back.

"I really thought about it."

"You did?" He says, his voice betraying his anxiousness. Jihoon looks into his eyes, sees how a word from him can turn Seungcheol's whole life around at this point. Time apart has taught them this much. And despite how much it hurts... he's made a decision.

"I'll do it. I'll take the CEO spot. And... I'm... I'm leaving Seventeen. The idol life in general."

Seungcheol's jaw drops.

"Are you serious? Jihoon-ah, this is..."

"Yeah. I thought a lot about it, and I don't think I can be with them anymore anyway. I've been a shitty leader and a shitty idol for so long, and I think I knew this is where it would come. I've known for a long time."

"Jihoon... you didn't have to do this for me."

"I'm not doing this only for you. I mean, of course you're the biggest part, but I've gotten attached to the people we work with and... Jeonghan and I tried so hard. _So hard,_ hyung, to make this work. We're trying so hard to salvage this, make something out of it, and in the very few times I've forced myself to go to the studio or practice in the last few months, which I didn't even do much, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. About the fact that I should call Mrs. Lee to see how her daughter is doing, about how there is a child abuse case that was driving me crazy because Jaehwa-noona told me about in passing a few days before you woke up and I didn't even know what to do, how to add that in to the many things which have to be solved, about the people who struggled and are still suffering in hospitals across Seoul and what we have to do to help all of them, about... about _you_ above it all. I can't pretend I'm happy and sing love songs anymore. It's not fair to my members, our fans, and... I don't think it's fair to you and me either. It's clear my mind and heart are somewhere else, and I'd rather be there. No matter how much I love my members and how hard I'm going to fight for them, I don't think that life is for me. Not anymore."

He's crying. Large tears are dropping down his cheeks, and Seungcheol reaches out to wipe them with a gentle thumb, looking at Jihoon like he holds all the answers in his eyes. Now, Jihoon can say he wants to be looked at like that for the rest of his life, and wants to be able to look at Seungcheol the same way.

"Thank you, Jihoon-ah." Seungcheol hugs him, and Jihoon hugs him back, buries his head in his neck. "I don't think I can even thank you for everything you've done."

It's the same spot Jihoon told him he's staying with him back then, despite his thoughts and his doubts. He felt back then that something good could be coming, and... he feels this way now. Not like he's settling, but like he's opening his world to something that slowly became his fate, and what he wants to do for the rest of his life.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

\---

Jihoon gathers all of his members, and maybe... they know too, why he called them here. That it's different.

"So... yeah. This is really hard for me to do, but..."

Seungkwan covers his mouth with his hand, tears quickly rising in his eyes. Jihoon looks at all of them, at Mingyu's surprised expression, at Hansol's confused eyes, at Seokmin's frown instead of his usually bright smile, at Chan's pursed lips, at Minghao's flat expression that betrays his sadness. At Soonyoung, who closes his eyes.

"I talked to Pledis and... I'm leaving."

"Hyung," Seungkwan sobs, and _damn._

This is not easy. It's not easy at all, it's probably the hardest thing Jihoon's ever had to do. Harder than anything he's faced, because this is his _family_ above everything, the people he has shared everything with for the past years, for most of what he can remember as his life now. But... _he has to._

"I... I don't think it's fair for you, for our fans, for everyone working with us. I don't think it's fair for me to be that selfish, and... I have to. I'll still write your songs, but... I can't stay. I'm sorry."

"Are you sure, hyung?" Minghao asks, and Jihoon nods.

"Yeah. I can't stay in both places, but more than that, even if I break it up with him and stay... it can come down on you. It will never just be over. And I can't live with the thought of that."

Tears fall from his eyes, vulnerable like he always tried to never be in front of them, and everybody else starts crying, Mingyu jumping up to hug him, all of his members following. They don't protest. _They know it too._

But that doesn't make it better. Jihoon still feels like a part of his heart broke and withered away, and he knows he's not getting that back. Not soon, not *ever.* It hurts in a way that's indescribable, that's more than Jihoon's ever felt.

"I... I don't want you to pretend you don't know me. If you want to, I still want to be part of your lives, and I'll do my best to help you however I can."

"You are always going to be a member of Seventeen anyway, you know that hyung, right? You're not getting rid of us," Chan says in his shirt, clutching him tight, and Jihoon nods, swallowing his tears.

"Of course. _Of course."_

\---

Soonyoung comes when he's packing his stuff with everyone, and they leave. They don't even have to say anything. Jihoon puts his shirt down in his suitcase and turns to him, sits down on the floor. Soonyoung leans on Mingyu's closet across from him.

"I'm sorry, Soonyoung-ah. I know this is going to be hardest on you, and I'm sorry. I promise I'll try my best to be in meetings with Pledis too, and help out with the kids."

"Did you have to?" He asks, flat.

"Yeah. I have to."

"So you're just going to do what? Be his trophy wife, raise his children?"

Jihoon would get angry at him, but he can't. He knows Soonyoung is hurt; it's between them that this decision will hit the hardest.

"I'm going to be his second-in-command, actually. He's changing the structure of the family. Jeonghan and he will be co-heads, and Jisoo and I will be the ones responsible for strategy and people in the family. I'll also be taking over Seungcheol's old spot as CEO of the main company, if the board approves it tomorrow."

Soonyoung's eyes widen.

"I had to adapt to the change, Soonyoung. He needs me, and I've reached the point of understanding that not only he does. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with leading. But for that, I have to be there. With everything I have." He says, folding his hands on his chest. "I know you know everything changed, and I know you get me. I think you and I were always destined to have different paths, you to stay here, and me to stay there, even if we are always in the same position."

"After how much we fought for everything? What we went through?" Soonyoung's voice betrays his hurt.

It feels like they haven't been in sync with each other for years. And maybe they haven't; not since the first time when Soonyoung didn't believe in him and Seungcheol, not through what Soonyoung had been through and how Jihoon didn't know until long after, not since he slept with Jihoon for the stupidest reason that Jihoon has yet to fully understand on all parts, and Jihoon figured they've been stepping wrong on the same path for a while now.

He and Soonyoung are not good together. That much has been painfully true, and maybe redefining who they are is not a bad thing.

"I think that's especially why. I don't want to waste it. I don't want a scandal from me to ruin everybody, I don't want to have all of you look over your shoulder every day. I couldn't live with myself."

Soonyoung sighs, takes a large breath.

"I don't know if I can be alright with it. Not yet."

It will take a while. For both of them. But maybe... maybe it will turn out to be alright.

"Take your time. I'm here. For everything you want to talk to me about, every little thing you're unsure about. Just like before. Whenever you're ready. I promise I'll be involved, and I'll help you. I don't know if I could rip myself off completely anyway, and I don't _want to,"_ Jihoon says, trying to open himself up.

"Yeah," Soonyoung nods, and Jihoon does too.

He feels sorry. But more than sorry, he feels sad. When you gain so much, you can't help but lose some things along the way. Jihoon's lost the thing he probably didn't want to lose most, and has to live with that.

\---

He doesn't stay the night. He goes _home,_ to his and Seungcheol's home, dropping his two suitcases in the second closet Seungcheol's had made ready for him and rushing up the stairs to Seungcheol's bedroom.

_Their_  bedroom. Where Seungcheol's on the couch with his laptop, his eyes lighting up when he sees Jihoon, even with his tear-tracked face.

"Awwh, baby, come here," Seungcheol pulls him in, bracketing him in his arms. "It's okay. It's okay."

Jihoon lets go of the last of his tears, feeling the weight of the sadness in his heart, testing what he has to bear with.

Some things you win, some things you lose.

Jihoon raises his eyes to Seungcheol's, Seungcheol's hands tight on his waist. Jihoon wraps his around Seungcheol's neck.

"Marry me."

"Baby..."

"I haven't been surer of anything in my life, Choi Seungcheol," Jihoon shakes his head at him. "I swear to you... There's nothing I want more. There's nothing I want more than to wake up and to know you're there, through whatever we have to go through. _That's it._ That's _all_ that matters to me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It's as simple as that for me, and I love you so much I don't want anything else."

Seungcheol hugs him, pulling him close to him. He hugs him tighter than he's ever had, Jihoon's need to be as close to him as humanly possible mirrored in his embrace.

"You know I will marry you. I love you too, so,  _so_ much, Jihoon."

Jihoon closes his eyes, buries his face in Seungcheol's skin.

Seungcheol pulls away just a little, just enough for his forehead to rest against Jihoon's, for Jihoon's eyes to fall closed as he feels Seungcheol's lips on his.

There's nothing that Jihoon wants, _needs,_ more than Seungcheol. He's had weeks, months, years to understand that, to give himself fully to Seungcheol, and to be able to take all of him back.

But now... he's ready.

"Good. Because your father thinks we're engaged already," Jihoon mumbles.

"How did that happen?" He chuckles, and Jihoon blinks.

"Long story."


	15. dancing in the rain

Jihoon stretches when he blinks awake, the sun falling through the white blinds. It must be late, but Jihoon still feels the weight of Seungcheol in the bed next to him, so it can't be _that_ late. So he closes his eyes again, fits himself into the pillow.

"Awake?" Seungcheol asks him, his face close to his, their noses almost touching when Jihoon finally opens his eyes.

"Mhm," Jihoon nods, yawns, feels Seungcheol's fingers gently push back the hair out of his face. His touches are light, barely there, tickling over Jihoon's jaw. Jihoon leans over to kiss Seungcheol after what feels like months of waiting to do that simple thing. No matter how many times he does it, he will never get tired of it.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Jihoon yawns once more, stretches his back.

"I feel like I'm more stressed than you," Seungcheol whispers, chuckling.

"You are, but it's for nothing. We did the numbers over and over again, had the conversations. It's fine, right?"

"Yeah," Seungcheol whispers. "Yeah, it will be fine."

"Good. Now I want breakfast and a shower," Jihoon affirms, does exactly not that, climbing up in Seungcheol's lap and catching his lips in a deep kiss, his hands resting on both sides of his head on the pillow. Seungcheol grips his hips, holds Jihoon close, and everything else is forgotten in the heat between their bodies.

\---

"Raise your hand if you approve of Lee Jihoon becoming the CEO of Choi Group."

Jihoon looks at all of the people in the room, at some familiar faces and some unfamiliar faces that have to quickly become _very_ familiar. At Seungcheol right across from him who raises his hand first, who can't quite hold his smile when he sees most of the people in the room raise their hands as they expected, Jeonghan next to him second right after him. Seungcheol's father doesn't, and neither does his uncle, but that's not something Jihoon didn't expect. There's a lot of work he has left to do.

"I think the result is clear. Congratulations, Jihoon-ssi," Seungcheol says to him, his smile obvious. Jihoon subtly looks at him in return, breathing in when the claps in the room can hide his trembling breath.

"Thank you. I will make sure to fulfill my promises," Jihoon says, and everyone gets up. He bows to them, bows deeper to Seungcheol's father because he should, and sees Seungcheol walk to him. He doesn't do anything, waits as Jihoon bows to everyone who passes by and pats him on the shoulder, says his thank-yous.

It's not until it's only them and Jeonghan and Jisoo in the room that Seungcheol hugs him, and Jihoon hugs him back, leans into him.

"Congratulations, baby," he mumbles in his ear and Jihoon hums. When they separate, Seungcheol keeps a hand around his waist, tugs him close.

"You made it," Jeonghan says, hugs him, so Jihoon lets go of Seungcheol and hugs him back, hugs Jisoo as well. "Never thought you would," he teases him, and Jihoon huffs.

"That's why you begged me to help you back then."

"Hey, I didn't beg. I asked. You agreed," he fires back, good-natured.

"They worked well together," Jisoo comments to Seungcheol, who laughs and nods.

"You three did though. That's why we're all here." His tone turns a bit serious, wistful, and *no.*

"Don't get ideas," Jihoon threatens him with a pointed jab to his chest.

"We're watching you," Jeonghan adds, his tone matching Jihoon's.

Seungcheol laughs, and tugs Jihoon back to him with a hand over his shoulders.

"Nah. We're good now."

\---

Flying over to Jeju is the most stressful time of Jihoon's life, perhaps. It clearly falls into the top 5 at least. He's not anxious, he's just stressed; he's met some of these people before, or most of them, and even if now he's not supposed to do the talking, it's still nervewracking.

Seungcheol is a bit nervous too, so Jihoon puts his hand on his knee.

"It will be fine."

"I know it will be," Seungcheol smiles at him, kisses his forehead and leans on Jihoon's shoulder, settling into the chair. Jihoon leans his cheek on his head and looks at the ring on his left hand, the silver matching perfectly with his bracelet.

It's not a wedding band, but it is an engagement ring. Because they are engaged now. Properly so.

"Cheol..." Jihoon starts, hearing Seungcheol moan a barely audible sound to show that he heard. "When we get married... can I take your name?"

Seungcheol's head shoots up towards him, his eyes wide. "You want to?"

"Yes. I know it's not customary, but... Jisoo has Jeonghan's name. I guess it's customary in America, right?" He smiles a little, even though his tone is unsure.

"I don't care it's not customary. I want you to, of course. But... how come?"

Jihoon hums, taking Seungcheol's hand in his, the silver of his own band shining in the light.

"I guess I don't want my name to be traceable to my idol persona. And also just... I kind of want to be part of the family. Even if we don't get married in Korea, I..."

"I get you," Seungcheol answers, a wide smile blooming on his face. "We can join them if you want."

"No... I think I'm okay with taking yours."

"Okay," Seungcheol nods, grinning at him. "Choi Jihoon. Doesn't have a bad ring to it."

Jihoon huffs. "I guess it doesn't."

\---

Walking into the room, despite his earlier reassurance, still feels like hell. Easy chatting fills the air, and until everyone sits down at the table, their heads of security behind them, it's almost easy to forget this handful of men and women control an entire country.

But it settles when they do sit down, and the mind games begin.

Jihoon has learned today that Seungcheol is supposed to lead this conversation. Not because it's he who's the reason they're all here, but because the "Seoul head" always does lead conversations like these.

It is perhaps understandable that there is some level of animosity there.

He realizes though, when they sit at the dinner table, that there are no women in the entire room who are heads or second-in-commands, and Jihoon perhaps really hates this.

"First of all, thank you for your graceful hosting. We are very indebted that you have allowed for us to have this meeting here," Seungcheol nods his head to the Jeju head, who meets it with a small head bow of his own. "It is unfortunate that we must meet in these circumstances, but I hope for a productive meeting anyway."

"Choi Seungcheol, you don't need to be this formal with us," the Chuncheon head exclaims, and there it goes. All pretenses of politeness _out_  through the window. Whoosh. Jihoon takes a look through the room, goes through the faces of each of them. All the heads are old, older than 40, if not 50. Seungcheol, he, Jeonghan, and Jisoo are the only ones who are younger.

So is the wife of the Gyeongsang-do head, but it's not like Jihoon had any respect for him anyway.

"Would you like for me to jump straight into the issue then?" Seungcheol counters with a slight smile, commanding all the attention on him.

It's quite amazing.

"I would hope so, considering the ridiculous accusations you are bringing out here today," the Gyeongsang-do head angrily announces, way too angrily. Perhaps they're hoping to intimidate them into giving up.

It won't work. Seungcheol pulls out all the files he brought with him.

"I also believe these accusations are ridiculous, but I believe it's not for the same reason. I find it ridiculous that another head would dare do something this terrible, but that is the truth anyway."

He pulls out the documents, recites the connections between the Gyeongsang-do family and the attacks, and Mi-eun. All the work they've done these past months, for this. Jihoon knows all of it, top to bottom, so he takes the time to look at everyone in the room again.

Nobody is surprised. Not phased in the slightest, their poker faces incredible. Not even the Gyeongsang-do head looks phased; not annoyed, not disbelieving, not anything.

That's why they all are where they are. It's all under their control; these men are not run by human emotions.

"So what do you suggest, Choi Seungcheol? That we did this to what, to bring ruin to you? To take over?"

"We do not run on motivations. We run on facts. The facts are that you did this, so what _I_ suggest is finding a way to settle it."

The Gyeongsang-do head shows maybe the first sign of anger. He puts his hand on the table, clutches it into a fist before letting go.

Jihoon is tasked with observing the Chuncheon head, so that's what he does. He doesn't react much. Barely at all.

"But to be fully sincere..."

It's coming. It's coming. Jihoon clutches his hand into a fist and sends a quick prayer to nowhere and everywhere that this goes well.

"I admit there are _a few_ other facts to keep in mind before making a decision," Seungcheol starts, coughs. "One might be... that my family has known about yours and Mi-eun's plot from before."

The Chuncheon head doesn't react.

"I didn't, you see, not until I almost _died_ at your hand. But that doesn't mean your game wasn't actually set up against you from the beginning. Doesn't mean that my father didn't know. So with me alive or dead, even with who you thought was on your side but was not, it was all set up against you. You were never going to win."

They're shocked, Jihoon can see it in their faces. He was too, when he figured out he and Jeonghan, Jisoo, and Wonwoo and Soonyoung, Seungcheol too, trying to salvage this whole mess, were fighting a battle that was already fought in strategy a long time before. That they were simply fulfilling and going through with things that were already planned from before by Seungcheol's father without them even knowing.

The only thing, and probably the most important one, Jihoon won't ever forgive is that Seungcheol's father was willing to sacrifice all these lives to make sure that the plan went through in this messed-up game that they were never aware of.

All these lives and most importantly... his _son's._

His father probably couldn't have predicted that Seungcheol would do something this stupid though and thankfully it wasn't the case, but that doesn't mean Jihoon will count his blessings and move on.

But all in due course. Now, Jihoon can look at their shocked faces and rest in his chair.

"After all, why would my father push to Chuncheon, when there were way better provinces we could focus on? Did you never stop to consider that? That it was not only my family, but more of them who knew?"

Their eyes turn to the head of the Chuncheon province, who nods, and their eyes widen. There's defeat in their eyes, pure shock.

Jihoon might be messed up, but... he's happy. Something inside him is ecstatic, his heart jumping.  _Finally._ Finally, the feeling of revenge.

"But enough of this," Seungcheol throws. "I'm going to tell you what will happen."

His voice goes chilly. Chilly enough for it to raise goosebumps on Jihoon's arms, shivers down his neck.

"The most recent news in Korea: the wife of Choi Kyungsik, prominent Seoul-based businessman, died in an unfortunate car accident while on her way to visit her family in Gyeongsang-do, leaving behind a _devastated_ family. The owner of multiple businesses across the Gyeonsang-do province, Park Woosik, along with his wife, Lee Minhyung, were arrested on multiple allegations of money laundering, gambling, and treason to the state of Korea. Reportedly, their businesses funneled money to outside countries in the Pacific in a widescale operation including many government officials. Their son, betrayed by his parents, committed suicide. But I'm still working on that last part, it doesn't _quite_ have a ring to it yet, so let's come back to it later."

Jihoon doesn't think he will ever be able to forget the looks on their faces. But then again, nor will he be able to forget the looks of the families of the hundreds who died while they were attacked, so he feels no remorse.

He's long past that point.

"There is no forgiveness for you here, and the decision has been made a long time before. There are mistakes that you have made that caused your doom, and it is now the time to pay for them. As you have tried to bring me down, you will be brought down yourself, and I will ensure that I take good care of the provinces that were originally ours anyway, develop them in ways you were not able to." Seungcheol turns around then, to the left of the table, to the other heads, and bows 90 degrees. Jihoon stands up and does the same, and sees Jeonghan and Jisoo follow.

"Thank you for all your help and support, and for your graceful hosting," he addresses the head of the Jeju-do family, and bows to the others around. "As this is our issue, we will not take more of your time and we will ensure that it comes to an end ourselves. We wish you the best, and may we meet again in brighter circumstances. I will extend an invitation for us to celebrate our new beginnings once we are once again settled."

Their sweeping win. Jihoon bows once more, and follows Seungcheol out of the door.

\---

Jihoon settles in the seats of the limousine taking them to the airport, Seungcheol next to him and Jisoo and Jeonghan on the other side.

Right when they enter the car, Seungcheol pulls out his phone.

He doesn't look happy though, after the first few seconds. He looks unsettled, puts his phone back down and tries again.

"What's happening?" Jihoon asks.

"I can't reach them. The people who had Park. I can't reach them. They didn't answer once, and then voicemail came on. It means their phones were turned off."

"Seungcheol..." Jeonghan says, low.

Seungcheol gulps.

If Jihoon couldn't tell before, he could tell now, by Seungcheol's face. That something, somewhere, has gone really, _really_ wrong.

It takes him another second for it to hit though. 

There's no sweeping win. Because they didn't win.


End file.
